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  • Coming into this debate,

  • there have been a lot of new developments.

  • All right, Elizabeth Warren has surged in the polls.

  • Joe Biden and his son have become targets

  • of the Trump administration.

  • Bernie Sanders had a heart attack.

  • And last week, Pete Buttigieg

  • snuck into his first R-rated movie

  • -(laughter) -But...

  • by far the biggest development since the last debate

  • has been the impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump.

  • So that was the first topic of the night.

  • I don't really think this impeachment process

  • is gonna take very long, 'cause as a former prosecutor,

  • I know a confession when I see it.

  • This president had obstructed justice.

  • This president, on three occasions,

  • three occasions, has invited foreign governments

  • and heads of government to get engaged

  • in trying to alter our election.

  • We have to impeach this president...

  • He lied to investigators, obstructed justice,

  • fired James Comey, head of the FBI,

  • tried to fire Mueller...

  • The president ten years, or a hundred years from now,

  • will look back at this moment and draw the conclusion

  • either that no one is above the law

  • or that a president can get away with anything.

  • Okay, I hear what you're saying,

  • but let's be honest, the way the planet is going,

  • in a hundred years from now,

  • the president isn't gonna be worried about impeachment,

  • he's gonna be worried about the price of lizard blood.

  • -(laughter) -And as for Biden,

  • his question was a little different.

  • He was asked why it's not okay for a president's family

  • to be working with foreign businesses and foreign companies

  • but it's okay for a vice president's family to do.

  • And I... I think I get where he was going,

  • but it took a while for him to get there.

  • Look, uh...

  • my son did nothing wrong.

  • I did nothing wrong.

  • My son's statement speaks for itself.

  • What I think is important

  • is we focus on why it's so important

  • to remove this man from office.

  • On the 17...

  • Look, the fact that...

  • George Washington worried...

  • on the first time he spoke after being elected president,

  • that what we had to worry about is foreign interference

  • in our election.

  • Okay, one minute he's talking about his son,

  • then it's George Washington, then something about the 17?

  • Like, Joe Biden is the only candidate who remixes his speech

  • while he's giving it.

  • He's just like, "Removing this man from...

  • (imitates record scratching)

  • "...seven, on the sev, seven, seven, sev, 17th,

  • and the fact, that the fact that..."

  • This is, like, a weird thing that he does.

  • And aside from impeachment, aside from impeachment,

  • health care was a major topic tonight,

  • with the standard debate about whether government-run insurance

  • should be an option or the only option.

  • But the thing that got the crowd going

  • was when the O.G. of Medicare stepped into the game

  • and showed everyone

  • why they should put respect on his name.

  • The issue is whether the Democratic Party has the guts

  • to stand up to the health care industry,

  • which made a hundred billion dollars in profit.

  • Whether we have the guts to stand up

  • to the corrupt, price-fixing pharmaceutical industry,

  • which is charging us the highest prices in the world

  • for prescription drugs.

  • -(applause) -And if we don't have the guts to do that,

  • if all we can do is take their money,

  • -we should be ashamed of ourselves. -Thank you.

  • Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai! Bernie Sanders!

  • -(cheering, applause) -You can't deny it.

  • You cannot deny it. No one speaks about health care

  • with the passion that Bernie does.

  • I also have a suspicion that that's the same speech he gave

  • every time the nurses tried to give him pills.

  • He was like, "No more pills!

  • "I have the guts to stand up to the pharmaceutical industry!

  • I just need a nap. I'll be fine!"

  • Now, you probably didn't notice tonight,

  • but one of the 52 candidates on stage

  • was Tom Steyer, right?

  • Hedge fund billionaire and scarecrow from Oz.

  • And... most people,

  • most people only know Steyer from his TV ads

  • where he calls on President Trump to be impeached.

  • And if you think about it, it's a pretty cool perk

  • of being a billionaire.

  • You can just buy ads on TV and make everyone listen

  • to what you want to talk about. Yeah.

  • Like, if I was a billionaire, my ads would just be petty.

  • You know, I'd be like, "Hello, I'm billionaire Trevor Noah,

  • "and my Thai food was supposed to be here half an hour ago.

  • "Please, somebody call the restaurant for me

  • and see where it is."

  • Anyway, you may remember,

  • Bernie Sanders, a few weeks ago, made headlines

  • by saying billionaires should not exist.

  • So, of course, the moderators asked Tom Steyer,

  • an actual billionaire, about Bernie's comment,

  • and his answer was not what you'd expect.

  • Senator Sanders is right.

  • There have been 40 years

  • where corporations have bought this government,

  • and those 40 years have meant

  • a40-year attack on the rights of working people,

  • and specifically, on organized labor.

  • I was one of the first people on this stage

  • to propose a wealth tax.

  • I would undo every Republican tax cut

  • for rich people and major corporations.

  • Yes, the billionaire just said the government needs

  • to tax the shit out of billionaires.

  • And you saw Bernie's face, he was like,

  • "Is this a trap? Is this a joke?

  • "Wh-What? He's taking my thing.

  • You can't take my thing."

  • And, you know, it seems weird, but when you think about it,

  • it actually makes sense.

  • If you're already a billionaire,

  • you don't want more billionaires.

  • Yeah, it makes it less special. You'd be like,

  • "Yeah, tax them. I don't want them becoming billionaires."

  • Yeah. It's the same way I think America

  • has enough South African late night comedians.

  • Like, yeah. Zero was too few, and one is more than enough.

  • We get it. Apartheid. We get it. Move on.

  • We get it. One's enough.

  • (cheers and applause)

  • So the debate then moved to foreign policy,

  • in particular, President Trump's decision

  • to pull troops out of northern Syria.

  • And although all the Democrats had different proposals

  • on how they thought they would handle the conflict in the area,

  • they all agreed on one thing, that Trump is doing it wrong.

  • What this president has done

  • is that he has sucked up to dictators,

  • he has made impulsive decisions

  • that often his own team doesn't understand.

  • What he has done is wreck our ability to do foreign policy

  • because nobody in the world

  • will believe this pathological liar.

  • This president is caging kids on the border,

  • and effectively letting ISIS prisoners run free.

  • This president has betrayed American values...

  • Turning the moral leadership

  • of this country into a dumpster fire...

  • We have an erratic, crazy president

  • who knows not a damn thing about foreign policy.

  • Okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on.

  • You may not like Donald Trump but you can't say

  • he doesn't know a damn thing about foreign policy.

  • Because, unlike Trump, not one of these Democrats

  • has congratulated the country of Nambia

  • on their health care system, all right?

  • And maybe that's because there is no country called Nambia,

  • but that's not the point.

  • The point is not one of you can find it on a map!

  • (laughter)

  • Now, since the debate was in Ohio,

  • the moderators also spent time

  • focusing on the opioid epidemic

  • which has ravaged the Buckeye State.

  • And the candidates had different thoughts on the problem

  • but many of them agreed on who should help solve it.

  • Let's go after these pharmaceutical companies

  • for what they've been doing to destroy our country.

  • They are nothing more than some high-level dope dealers.

  • Until we hold those responsible, accountable for their actions--

  • Purdue Pharma, Johnson & Johnson,

  • we're gonna continue to have this problem.

  • The people that should pay for this,

  • that should pay for the treatment,

  • are the very people that got people hooked

  • and killed them in the first place,

  • and that is the people

  • that are manufacturing these opioids.

  • Yeah. Yeah.

  • I 100% agree with Klobuchar.

  • Drug companies should have to pay to rehabilitate

  • all the people that they got addicted,

  • oftentimes on purpose.

  • And you know what? It shouldn't just be drug companies.

  • Every industry-- If you create something addictive,

  • you should be responsible for making it harder to consume.

  • Like Oreos.

  • If they're gonna make those cookies so goddamn addictive,

  • the least they could do is after, like,

  • every fourth cookie, put a mousetrap inside.

  • Bam! Slows the addiction down.

  • "Ow. I'll try again tomorrow."

  • Yeah. Or, like, Pornhub.

  • Pornhub-- every hour that you're on there,

  • they should randomly pop up a picture of your grandmother.

  • Just, you'll be like, "Ah! I guess I'm done.

  • Hi, Nana."

  • But the elephant in the room the whole night

  • was Bernie's heart attack.

  • And eventually, the moderators got around to asking about it

  • in a very, very awkward way.

  • There is a question on a lot of people's minds

  • and I want to address it tonight.

  • You're 78 years old and you just had a heart attack.

  • How do you reassure Democratic voters

  • that you're up to the stress of the presidency?

  • If you're elected you will turn 80 during your first term.

  • Last month former President Jimmy Carter said

  • he could not have undertaken the duties

  • of the presidency at 80 years old.

  • Why are you so sure that you can?

  • If you win the presidency,

  • you would be the oldest president

  • ever inaugurated in a first term.

  • You would be 71.

  • Congressman Gabbard, you're 38 years old,

  • and you would be the youngest president if elected.

  • Should age matter when choosing a president?

  • Okay. Okay. Is it just me

  • or did the moderators ask everyone about their health

  • just to hide the awkwardness of them asking Bernie?

  • Right? 'Cause they were like, "Bernie, heart attack."

  • Then they're like, "But everyone. Everyone. Everyone."

  • I even, like, get the part

  • about asking people about being too old,

  • but asking Tulsi Gabbard about being too young?

  • Is that really a concern?

  • "Tulsi, uh, are you too fit

  • "and vibrant for the presidency?

  • Is it possible you might die of young age?"

  • And that-And that wasn't the weirdest part of the night.

  • The weirdest part of the night might have been

  • when Kamala Harris started a real life Twitter beef.

  • Senator Warren, I just want to say that I was surprised

  • to hear that you did not agree with me

  • that on this subject of what should be the rules

  • around corporate responsibility for these big tech companies,

  • when I called on Twitter to suspend

  • Donald Trump's account,

  • that you did not agree.

  • And I would, I would urge you to join me.

  • Twitter should be held accountable

  • and shut down that site.