字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -I've been watching your show. This season, it's fantastic. I've been noticing that you've been getting a lot of the presidential candidates on your show. -Yeah. I mean, well, there's 23 people running to be president. -That's true. [ Laughter ] -It's like they're going to trickle in on your show at some point. There's a guy named Tom Steyer running for president. -Sure. [ Laughter ] -Does anyone know who Tom Steyer is? He's not your high school guidance counselor. This is, like, a -- -That's not Tom Steyer. -He's a billionaire and yet no one knows who he is. [ Laughter ] That kind of defeats the purpose of being a billionaire. [ Laughter ] He really messed it up. You could have just bought your way for us to know that, but I guess not. -Yeah. -You know, Bernie is going to be on the show this week. -Oh, that's good too. -And we filmed with him the same day. We shot with him last week and he was on the show with you last week. -Yeah, he came on our show. -Yeah, and he sat down and he's like, "Hasan, I got to go," and I was like, "Why?" And he's like, "I got to go play basketball with Jimmy Fallon." And I'm like, "You sure, Bernie? You're going to play basketball with --" "Yeah, I'm going to go shoot hoops," and I'm like, "Are you?" and he did. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ] -I just thought grandpa was just talking about -- [ Laughter ] -After seeing everybody here, do you have an endorsement? Are you endorsing anyone for president? [ Laughter ] -Are you going to put me on the spot like that, Jimmy? -I'm not putting you on the spot like that. Yeah, I mean, why not? I already wished you merry Christmas. I mean -- [ Laughter ] -A "Tonight Show" exclusive. Let's do it. You guys ready? -Drumroll. [ Drumroll ] -In the 2020 election, I, Hasan Minhaj, endorse...Kamala Harris! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go. [ Trombone note plays ] -No, no, I'm sorry. -For the people. -No, no, Hasan. No, she dropped out of the race. She dropped out. She's not running. -Dude. [ Laughter ] We're a weekly show. We're not daily. I haven't caught up yet. [ Laughter ] -No, I'm sorry to tell you this. -Are you serious? -I'm sorry to tell you this. -Dude, Jimmy, she had the whole package. -Well, yeah. What? -Her father is Jamaican. Her mother is Indian. She managed to do the one thing every Indian dude wishes they could do. Be black. [ Laughter ] She did it. She nailed it. -Yeah. No, she dropped out. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. You guys. -Yeah, sorry, Hasan. Oh, my gosh. You're getting yourself in so much trouble on camera. -I got so much swag and everything. -You got swag. Well, you had Andrew Yang on your show. -He's not black. You know that. [ Laughter ] -No, no, but what I'm saying -- No, he's Asian. -Yeah, but we went to Chinatown last week for the show and we just wanted to see how young millennial voters, you know, interacted with Andrew Yang. -Alright. We have a clip. Everyone take a look at this clip here. Hasan Minhaj and Andrew Yang. -Do you know who he is? -No. -That's fine, but do you know who this is? -Yeah, I know who that is. [ Laughter ] -Would you be interested in the nation's first Asian-American president? -Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I'm Asian, right? -So, you would vote for that person for sure? -Yeah. -Like, no doubt? -Yes. -Well, you're looking at him. This is -- -Really? -You're kidding? -He's been doing literally every interview and press highlight he possibly could. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -He's a good sport. -He's a good sport. -Andrew's a good sport. -You know what I like about him? This is what I love about Andrew Yang, right? Every politician is coming in, and they're talking about confusing concepts and we all think that we know them, like "Oh, yeah, tax reform, Syria, tariffs," and he's like, "Who wants a thousand dollars?" [ Laughter ] -Yeah, that's his thing. -Yeah, man. -Who wants a thousand dollars? -You want a thousand dollars a month, just take this liberty bribe. Universal basic income is basically just allowance for adults and he just cut right through. -Yeah. But what would you do if you were running for president? How would you simplify it? -Dude, I got it right here, man. [ Laughter ] Alright. Look, here's the thing. You guys don't carry around your policy positions with you in your pocket? [ Laughter ] -I'm going to start. -You got to simplify and have broad appeal to everybody. Now, we're in America. America loves bans. We love religious bans, ethnic bans, soda bans. So the first thing you got -- -Oh, bans. -Yeah, you got to ban stuff. -Okay, sorry I thought you meant bands. -No, no, no, we like them, but not as much as like, "Muslim ban." Like, that's what -- -Banning. -Okay, first ban. [ Laughter ] This is America, you guys. First ban, no stickers on fruit. Cut it out. -Yeah! I told you. [ Cheers and applause ] I totally agree. I totally agree with you. -Bite into an apple. I know it's an apple. Have a banana, I don't need to know where it's from. I know it's a banana. -Yeah, I love bananas. -The second ban, no visors. Cut it out, visors. Are you a hat or are you eyewear? Make up your mind. You can't be in headwear purgatory. -Okay. -That's the second ban. Third ban, celery, you're done. Celery is done. -What? -What is -- Okay, celery has to be like, "Oh, I'm cool. I hang out with peanut butter." [ Laughter ] What do you bring to the table, celery? -Interesting. Okay. I see what you're saying. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay, I see what you're saying. -You have to be paired with -- oh, no, no, but the buffalo wings are here. No, no, no, celery. What are you about? -Okay, gotcha. -Celery's done. [ Laughter ] Dave and Buster's. Both of them banned. Dude. -What? -Adults don't like Dave and Buster's and no one wants to pay $19 for chicken fingers. -Oh, my God. -I have some other new ideas. -Sure. -Alright. So, you know, America loves entrepreneurship and innovation. This is just my campaign slogan. "Hasan Minhaj 2020, 'there's only one version of the college textbook.'" -Thank God! -You know how -- Yeah! Thank God! That's what I'm talking about! [ Applause ] The professor is like, "Oh, get the sixth edition." -Yes. -I rewrote the appendix. You're like, "Dude, I'm getting the version from my older brother." -Yeah. 300 bucks. I'm keeping it. -Paper straws. It's not our responsibility to fix climate change, okay? -What? -No. -What are you talking -- -The paper straw -- It always collapses, like it's a levy and I'm like, no. Twizzler straws. [ Laughter ] They're biodegradable and they're delicious. Twizzler straws. [ Cheers and applause ] Okay. -I love it. -Now, let me give you one thing. -Okay. -Now, Jimmy, right now it's starting to heat up in the political cycle, right? -Yes, yes. -All the major candidates are trying reaching out to minorities. It's pander season, baby. You're going to see them dabbing, speaking Spanish for no reason. -Sure. -They're going to come on the show and, like, come out with the Mariachi band with you. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -For immigrants we really have one main issue -- immigration. Okay? -Yeah. -So, Hasan Minhaj 2020: "I'll let one of your cousins in." [ Laughter ] I'll give you one person. You get one person. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hasan Minhaj, everybody. Catch new episodes of "Patriot Act" every Sunday on Netflix. We'll be right back with Charlie Puth. Dude, you run the show. Hasan Minhaj!