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-I've been watching your show. This season, it's fantastic.
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I've been noticing that you've been getting a lot
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of the presidential candidates on your show.
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-Yeah. I mean, well, there's 23 people
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running to be president. -That's true.
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[ Laughter ] -It's like they're going
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to trickle in on your show at some point.
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There's a guy named Tom Steyer running for president.
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-Sure. [ Laughter ]
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-Does anyone know who Tom Steyer is?
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He's not your high school guidance counselor.
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This is, like, a -- -That's not Tom Steyer.
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-He's a billionaire and yet no one knows who he is.
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[ Laughter ]
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That kind of defeats the purpose of being a billionaire.
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[ Laughter ] He really messed it up.
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You could have just bought your way for us to know that,
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but I guess not. -Yeah.
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-You know, Bernie is going to be on the show this week.
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-Oh, that's good too.
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-And we filmed with him the same day.
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We shot with him last week
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and he was on the show with you last week.
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-Yeah, he came on our show. -Yeah, and he sat down and he's
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like, "Hasan, I got to go," and I was like, "Why?"
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And he's like, "I got to go play basketball with Jimmy Fallon."
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And I'm like, "You sure, Bernie?
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You're going to play basketball with --"
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"Yeah, I'm going to go shoot hoops,"
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and I'm like, "Are you?" and he did.
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-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
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-I just thought grandpa was just talking about --
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[ Laughter ]
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-After seeing everybody here, do you have an endorsement?
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Are you endorsing anyone for president?
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[ Laughter ]
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-Are you going to put me on the spot like that, Jimmy?
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-I'm not putting you on the spot like that.
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Yeah, I mean, why not?
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I already wished you merry Christmas.
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I mean -- [ Laughter ]
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-A "Tonight Show" exclusive.
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Let's do it. You guys ready?
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-Drumroll. [ Drumroll ]
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-In the 2020 election, I, Hasan Minhaj,
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endorse...Kamala Harris!
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Let's go! Let's go!
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Let's go. [ Trombone note plays ]
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-No, no, I'm sorry. -For the people.
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-No, no, Hasan.
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No, she dropped out of the race. She dropped out.
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She's not running. -Dude.
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[ Laughter ] We're a weekly show.
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We're not daily. I haven't caught up yet.
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[ Laughter ] -No, I'm sorry to tell you this.
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-Are you serious? -I'm sorry to tell you this.
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-Dude, Jimmy, she had the whole package.
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-Well, yeah. What?
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-Her father is Jamaican. Her mother is Indian.
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She managed to do the one thing
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every Indian dude wishes they could do.
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Be black.
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[ Laughter ] She did it.
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She nailed it. -Yeah.
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No, she dropped out.
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[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. You guys.
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-Yeah, sorry, Hasan. Oh, my gosh.
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You're getting yourself in so much trouble on camera.
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-I got so much swag and everything.
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-You got swag.
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Well, you had Andrew Yang on your show.
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-He's not black. You know that.
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[ Laughter ] -No, no, but what I'm saying --
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No, he's Asian.
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-Yeah, but we went to Chinatown last week for the show
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and we just wanted to see how young millennial voters,
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you know, interacted with Andrew Yang.
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-Alright. We have a clip.
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Everyone take a look at this clip here.
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Hasan Minhaj and Andrew Yang.
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-Do you know who he is? -No.
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-That's fine, but do you know who this is?
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-Yeah, I know who that is. [ Laughter ]
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-Would you be interested in the nation's
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first Asian-American president?
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-Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I'm Asian, right?
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-So, you would vote for that person for sure?
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-Yeah.
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-Like, no doubt? -Yes.
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-Well, you're looking at him. This is --
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-Really? -You're kidding?
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-He's been doing literally every interview
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and press highlight he possibly could.
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[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
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-He's a good sport. -He's a good sport.
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-Andrew's a good sport. -You know what I like about him?
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This is what I love about Andrew Yang, right?
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Every politician is coming in,
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and they're talking about confusing concepts
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and we all think that we know them,
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like "Oh, yeah, tax reform, Syria, tariffs,"
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and he's like, "Who wants a thousand dollars?"
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[ Laughter ] -Yeah, that's his thing.
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-Yeah, man. -Who wants a thousand dollars?
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-You want a thousand dollars a month,
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just take this liberty bribe.
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Universal basic income is basically
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just allowance for adults and he just cut right through.
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-Yeah.
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But what would you do if you were running for president?
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How would you simplify it?
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-Dude, I got it right here, man.
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[ Laughter ]
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Alright. Look, here's the thing.
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You guys don't carry around your policy positions
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with you in your pocket? [ Laughter ]
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-I'm going to start.
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-You got to simplify and have broad appeal to everybody.
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Now, we're in America. America loves bans.
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We love religious bans, ethnic bans, soda bans.
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So the first thing you got -- -Oh, bans.
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-Yeah, you got to ban stuff.
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-Okay, sorry I thought you meant bands.
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-No, no, no, we like them,
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but not as much as like, "Muslim ban."
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Like, that's what -- -Banning.
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-Okay, first ban.
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[ Laughter ]
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This is America, you guys.
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First ban, no stickers on fruit. Cut it out.
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-Yeah! I told you.
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[ Cheers and applause ] I totally agree.
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I totally agree with you. -Bite into an apple.
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I know it's an apple.
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Have a banana,
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I don't need to know where it's from.
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I know it's a banana. -Yeah, I love bananas.
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-The second ban, no visors.
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Cut it out, visors.
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Are you a hat or are you eyewear?
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Make up your mind.
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You can't be in headwear purgatory.
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-Okay. -That's the second ban.
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Third ban, celery, you're done.
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Celery is done. -What?
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-What is -- Okay, celery has to be like, "Oh, I'm cool.
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I hang out with peanut butter."
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[ Laughter ]
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What do you bring to the table, celery?
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-Interesting. Okay.
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I see what you're saying. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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-Okay, I see what you're saying. -You have to be paired with --
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oh, no, no, but the buffalo wings are here.
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No, no, no, celery. What are you about?
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-Okay, gotcha. -Celery's done.
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[ Laughter ]
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Dave and Buster's.
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Both of them banned.
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Dude. -What?
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-Adults don't like Dave and Buster's and no one wants
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to pay $19 for chicken fingers.
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-Oh, my God. -I have some other new ideas.
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-Sure. -Alright.
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So, you know, America loves entrepreneurship and innovation.
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This is just my campaign slogan.
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"Hasan Minhaj 2020,
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'there's only one version of the college textbook.'"
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-Thank God! -You know how -- Yeah!
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Thank God!
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That's what I'm talking about! [ Applause ]
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The professor is like, "Oh, get the sixth edition."
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-Yes. -I rewrote the appendix.
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You're like, "Dude, I'm getting the version
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from my older brother." -Yeah.
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300 bucks. I'm keeping it.
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-Paper straws.
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It's not our responsibility to fix climate change, okay?
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-What? -No.
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-What are you talking -- -The paper straw --
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It always collapses,
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like it's a levy and I'm like, no.
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Twizzler straws.
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[ Laughter ] They're biodegradable
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and they're delicious.
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Twizzler straws.
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[ Cheers and applause ] Okay.
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-I love it.
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-Now, let me give you one thing.
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-Okay. -Now, Jimmy, right now
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it's starting to heat up in the political cycle, right?
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-Yes, yes. -All the major candidates
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are trying reaching out to minorities.
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It's pander season, baby.
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You're going to see them dabbing,
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speaking Spanish for no reason. -Sure.
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-They're going to come on the show and,
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like, come out with the Mariachi band with you.
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-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
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-For immigrants we really have one main issue -- immigration.
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Okay? -Yeah.
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-So, Hasan Minhaj 2020:
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"I'll let one of your cousins in."
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[ Laughter ] I'll give you one person.
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You get one person.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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-Hasan Minhaj, everybody.
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Catch new episodes of "Patriot Act" every Sunday on Netflix.
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We'll be right back with Charlie Puth.
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Dude, you run the show. Hasan Minhaj!