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  • - I gotta tell you though,

  • becoming a dad though was the greatest,

  • is the greatest fucking thing that ever happened to me, man.

  • It really is.

  • I don't have any jokes about my kid.

  • (audience cheers) No, it is.

  • And you're applauding my wife.

  • She did all the work.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Yeah, knocking a woman up, that's easy.

  • You just have fun.

  • Unprotected sex, bam, you knock 'em up.

  • And then they have to deal with it.

  • No matter how much they try to drag you into it,

  • it really is their show.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I always said my wife.

  • When my wife was pregnant, I've said,

  • "My wife, she's pregnant."

  • And then I always had these people like,

  • "Excuse me, you're 'sposed to say, "We're pregnant."

  • "You're 'sposed to say we're pregnant."

  • It's like well, I'm not a seahorse, so.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm not fucking pregnant.

  • My wife is pregnant.

  • Look at her, she's putting on weight,

  • her feet are swelling up.

  • She's miserable, fucking miserable.

  • I'm still doing pull-ups.

  • I'm crushing it!

  • (audience laughs)

  • While being pregnant!

  • I'm still drinking, smoking, yeah.

  • (laughs)

  • No, the only thing that sucked

  • was I had to get rid of my dog.

  • Yeah, had to find her a new home.

  • Well I finally had to admit that she was fucking crazy!

  • I got a crazy rescue dog and, yeah,

  • it was one of these fucking dogs.

  • It tried to kill both my parents,

  • it tried to kill my father-in-law,

  • it bit one of my friends.

  • I'd have family come over, friends or whatever,

  • we'd have to stick it in the back room,

  • like lock the door.

  • For the first hour it'd just be

  • throwing itself up against the door,

  • "(screams) I'll fucking kill all you motherfuckers!"

  • "I'll kill all you motherfuckers!"

  • Looking under the door,

  • "I can see your feet!"

  • "I know what you smell like!"

  • (audience laughs)

  • "I'll follow you home, I'll find you!"

  • "I'll fucking kill all of you!" (laughs)

  • And we were just in like total denial,

  • like, "No, she's just a little scared."

  • (audience laughs)

  • "Because she was abused."

  • And we got like a trainer and all of that shit,

  • and he finally just said, "Listen man."

  • "This is one of these dogs nature said no to

  • but people said yes to."

  • So I'm like Jesus Christ,

  • you could have told me that 10,000 fucking dollars ago.

  • (audience laughs)

  • So now my wife, she's five months pregnant.

  • She's six months, seven, eight months pregnant.

  • It's just the fucking, this thing

  • just hanging over my head.

  • And finally I just said to my wife,

  • "We gotta do something about this, man."

  • I'm not gonna be this guy on the news being like,

  • "Well you know,

  • the dog loved me and my wife,

  • so I figured all right to let it sleep near the bassinet.

  • "And well you can imagine my surprise the next morning."

  • Yeah, I wasn't gonna be that guy on the news

  • whose dog ate his baby.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I gotta get rid of this thing.

  • So we called my trainer and he goes,

  • "All right, I'll take it."

  • Okay, so thank God they're not gonna put the dog down

  • or anything like that.

  • So I'm like thank God.

  • So he goes, "I'll come back in a week."

  • And it was very sad because we both loved this dog

  • like with all our hearts, right?

  • And what amazed me though,

  • was over that week the way my wife handled grief versus me.

  • It was so mature.

  • She just like took it on.

  • I just went into denial.

  • I was just like, "Well, I'm not giving it away tomorrow,

  • so I'm not gonna think about it."

  • I just called the dog up in the bed, started petting her

  • and lashing out at people for no fucking reason.

  • Right?

  • My wife on the other hand,

  • she just went right into the bathroom that night,

  • she was brushing her teeth.

  • I could just hear her quietly crying like (imitates crying).

  • I swear to God, I was on the bed

  • and I literally got mad at her.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I didn't yell at her, I had it just internal.

  • You know?

  • And I was just thinking like why is she having

  • the proper emotion in this fucking moment?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Why isn't she just blocking it out

  • the fucking way I am, right?

  • Just don't deal with it until you fucking give it away,

  • and then just start yelling at people.

  • The way I do!

  • All right, and that's what we did.

  • I just blocked it out, and every night she would cry.

  • A little bit more, the whole week (imitates crying).

  • 'Til the night before she was like (imitates loud sobbing)

  • And what I didn't realize

  • was she had cried herself into acceptance.

  • And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line!

  • And then there's a knock at the door and she goes,

  • "Okay, he's here!

  • Go get the dog."

  • And I'm like, "Hey, Cleo!"

  • And she popped her head up,

  • and I saw her wagging her fucking tail,

  • and all of a sudden eight years of conditional love

  • all started bubbling up.

  • And I was like, "Aw fuck, not now!"

  • (audience laughs) "Not now!" (laughs)

  • So I just pushed it down (yells).

  • I just walked at her, like some weird game show host.

  • "Hey, how are ya?"

  • "I'm smiling for no reason, all right?"

  • "Now we're going for a walk."

  • "I'm just gonna say what we're doing

  • so I don't think about what I'm feeling!"

  • I just walked out, handed the leash to the new owner,

  • pet her on the head, didn't even look her in the eye

  • because I knew I couldn't.

  • And just turned around and walked away from something

  • that I loved more than I had loved

  • anything in my life, up to that point,

  • don't tell my wife.

  • (audience laughs)

  • So then I come back into the house, all right?

  • And she's just looking at me,

  • she knows I'm out of my fucking mind.

  • She's like, "Are you okay?"

  • "Is everything all right?"

  • "Do you wanna talk about it?"

  • "Are you going to get something to eat or something?"

  • I'm like, "No, I'm fine!"

  • "Sometimes you have to be up here and think logical

  • and not be in your heart!"

  • "I'm just gonna go into the bathroom for a second!"

  • And I went in, and I closed the door,

  • and for .8 seconds cried like a little boy

  • before (blows loudly) I put the lid back on the jar.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Fastened it back,

  • and just added it to the shelf of anger

  • (audience laughs)

  • that sits in every man's chest.

  • (audience cheers)

  • Yeah.

  • And I couldn't help but wonder in that moment,

  • who that I love in my life

  • is gonna pay for that in the future?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Like where am I gonna be?

  • Fam reunion!

  • Bed Bath and Beyond,

  • "How many fucking towels do we need?

  • Jesus Christ it's a fucking sickness with you!"

  • "Where is this coming from?"

  • "I just don't understand where this is coming from?"

  • (audience laughs and applauds)

- I gotta tell you though,

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A2 初級

ビル・バーのサイコ・ドッグ|Netflixはジョークです。 (Bill Burr's Psycho Dog | Netflix Is A Joke)

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    keepprogress に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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