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  • The following video material originates from the movie "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets" that was

  • lovingly made by J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. But it's been turned by new audio into a twisted, dirty and chaotic world...

  • ...full of unnecessary vulgar language, bad jokes about minorities and without structured plot

  • And now have fun with:

  • "Harry Potter and the secret Porn Basement"

  • Oh God, stop it, it's unbearable!

  • - No! -Shut your beak!

  • - Now just listen to it! - Shut your beak!

  • Hey, if I've got a boner, I have to wank.

  • Yes, but you can you not at least stop this terrible music?

  • - Hey, that's' s a classic! - Turn off that gay music you wanker!

  • You all have no taste in music.

  • I have no idea where to put the cherry, definitely not on this empty space.

  • Hey, what's up?

  • Your uncle wants to talk to you about this thing you're always doing upstairs

  • Did you wank again, or what?

  • That's really disgusting! You're sick, boy.

  • Yeah, you know what's also sick? A guy who's three times fatter than me,

  • Who let's his wife bake a cake, while he rapes his son.

  • Oh, that's not true at all. Turn around, boy!

  • Let me straighten your bow tie. Do you like it when I touch you like this?

  • Hey, I can jerk whenever I want. After all, I'm Harry Potter, I'm famous, respect me!

  • - Daddy only loves me! - Listen,

  • You're only gonna be respected in this house, when you stop satisfying yourself.

  • As long as you have your penis under my table, you do respectable things with it,

  • like ordinary people, like me.

  • Ah, now Fatty has touched the cake with his bogey fingers, but otherwise it's good, you can still eat it.

  • My asshole is so wide, I can stick my head through it.

  • And they say I was sick.

  • Let's see if I can break my record of jizzing three times in a row now.

  • I am the Gilb, I make white clothes gray and dirty.

  • Wow!

  • A stain dwarf!

  • Do you also have problems with stains, which are difficult to clean?

  • You know, I got the white giant,

  • and when I cum with it, then makes the really special stains, if you know what I mean.

  • Oh, that was really not in the job description.

  • You know, I only sell detergent

  • and old, rotten towels, which you can wear as T-Shirts like I do, but they don't sell that well.

  • Are you interested in buying?

  • No, but I'd like a blowjob!

  • What?

  • You probably think I'm buyable for everything?

  • Not that I would reject it, I really need the money.

  • Hey I'm sorry, you happen to be the perfect blowjob size

  • and I'll pull him out if you have to puke, okay?

  • Oh, Dobby has taken part in much worse things for money:

  • Sick sex games with piss and shit,

  • Animal porn,

  • - Worked at "McDonald's" ... - Oh God!

  • And you only want a blowjob?

  • You know, right now I would really fuck anything! Even an ugly gnome like you.

  • Thank you!

  • I will demonstrate my blowjob technique on this wardrobe.

  • - You really don't have to demonstrate it on the wardrobe. - And now in the ear!

  • I believe you that you can do it without any proof.

  • That's just our nephew and he's fucking, uuuh

  • the cat.

  • Did I just say that out loud?

  • Ey now stop it, they'll think I'm fucking the cat or something!

  • What? You fuck a cat?

  • That doesn't mean that I ever did that.

  • Oh, you can't shock Dobby with anything anymore. The family I live with is pretty kinky, you know?

  • I can not say the name, but it begins with "M" and ends with "alfoy".

  • That's too complicated for me.

  • But you should know the boy, he goes to your school.

  • He is smeared all over with lube, heven his hair is dripping with it.

  • Do you know the term "crawl in someone's ass"? He literally does that!

  • And his father

  • is not his father but his mother!

  • Allegedly he impregnated himself, with a

  • Sausage.

  • Oh, you mean Draco Malfoy and his Sugar Daddy.

  • Oh no! You

  • guessed it! And I wanted to

  • - keep it secret! - That was really not...

  • - I have to bash my head in with an Ikea lamp! - that hard of a riddle.

  • Hey!

  • Hey, my lamp!

  • Hey, my beautiful Ikea lamp!

  • And then he said: "Now I know, we are on Pluto!"

  • And I said...

  • Now let go of my lamp! I'm going to put you in the closet, you little fucker!

  • How many times have I told you, that you are forbidden to masturbate in this house ?!

  • I didn't fap.

  • Don't fuck the cat either, that's just as bad.

  • I didn't fuck the cat.

  • - At least not today. - Do you know this one? This is the brother of the middle finger,

  • I'll show you that one next time!

  • And I don't want to know what you're hiding in the closet!

  • No cat.

  • If you saw dildos in the closet, by any chance,

  • they don't belong to me I borrowed them.

  • No, I found them!

  • No! They...

  • They were already here when I moved in.

  • And what if Dobby found nudes of Harry Potter?

  • So what? Everybody knows them already. They hang in the common room.

  • But Dobby has to blackmail Harry Potter with something, to get money.

  • How else am I supposed to pay all those taxes from the GEZ?

  • I have five televisions that are not registered.

  • Did you just pull these bills

  • out of your ass?

  • It's become pretty flexible by now.

  • Cool!

  • Hey, come here!

  • Hey! Hey, stop running, shorty!

  • Hey! Hey, come here!

  • Hey!

  • Hey, I don't want a blowjob anymore!

  • I want to stick something in your ass, too!

  • Pie!

  • - Come here and let me fuck you! - ... And Dudley,

  • has now become a very big boy.

  • Wow!

  • You can do magic! I can't.

  • Yes, ever noticed that you never used magic in your first film,

  • even though you're a wizard?

  • Hey, I'm still learning magic, I'm attending Hogwarts after all.

  • At Hogwarts, you will learn how to get rid of your gag reflex, but you won't learn magic, just like me.

  • Have a look!

  • I want to be able to do that, too!

  • - Get out of the way! - Ow!

  • I have an idea:

  • I'm going to follow the pie like this so

  • that it looks like, I'm the one making it levitate

  • Yeah look! I can do magic, too!

  • - Oh, now the pie fell on her head, - Crap.

  • - But otherwise it's good, you can still eat it. - My beautiful suit!

  • You're never going to see your

  • abnormal friends again!

  • never again!

  • Yes?

  • - Never again! - I think you dialed the wrong number.

  • - Oh sorry. - No problem.

  • Hey! What the hell are you doing?

  • Isn't this Privet Drive no. 4, where Harry Potter lives?

  • No here is Privat Drive no. 4, Privet Drive No. 4 is two blocks ahead!

  • Oh sorry, that we destroyed your house.

  • Oh, no problem!

  • No problem...

  • There! The house down there. That must be it!

  • The one that stands out from the others! The one with the roof and

  • - the window! - I hope it's the right house this time.

  • Yes, what just happened to us happens just...

  • three out of four times, right?

  • - Hi Harry! - Hi Harry!

  • Ron! Torsten! Torben!

  • What are you doing here?

  • Well, we want to destroy Muggle houses.

  • Yours too. Come on out!

  • OK.

  • Warm socks, Vaseline, I'm ready.

  • All right.

  • Start driving, Torsten!

  • I am Torben.

  • What is that?

  • - Whoosh! -So, What's going on here?

  • Now he's gonna get it , the little brat!

  • Get in there!

  • Come on, move!

  • Quick, give me your dove!

  • That's a ... Oh!

  • I'll get you!

  • Stay right there!

  • Stay!

  • Let me go!

  • OK! You can leave!

  • But the shoes stay here!

  • - No! Not my shoes! - Drive, Torben!

  • He broke his neck!

  • But otherwise he's fine.

  • We killed your uncle.

  • - Yes, thank you! - You're welcome!

  • Oh no, we ran over Clifford!

  • Have you ever wondered why a fork

  • - Yes, a fork? - Has so many prongs,

  • - As it has? - Mommy?

  • - Yes? - Where do babies come from?

  • Oh, the boys stick their dick in your vagina.

  • Hello.

  • - What's up with her? - Ginny.

  • Just because she is the only girl,

  • - she has a penis phobia. - Aha.

  • Good morning, you incest children!

  • - Morning, Dad! - Oh, we are so poor, we only have half of a front door.

  • Here, darling: Burned baby birds

  • exactly how you like them.

  • - Are your parents really siblings? - Yes, my mother is also my aunt,

  • and my brother is also my cousin, it's really

  • - complicated. Hello dear sister.

  • I put extra salt on them.

  • Does anyone want some?

  • Who are you?

  • I'm Harry.

  • Oh no.

  • My wife probably slept with one of my sons again

  • - And had a child without telling me about it. - No I have not!

  • That only happened once and Ginny was the result from it.

  • - As if you don't sleep with your sons. - Yes, but if I fuck my sons in the butt,

  • at least they don't bear children from it.

  • No guys, honestly, incest is evil,

  • not all of you can marry Ginny

  • So Harry, tell me.

  • I see you're sitting next to Ron, so I assume you're gay,

  • and you're his boyfriend. Did he like you too, because you smelled like fried fish?

  • So, frankly ...

  • What the hell...?

  • Is this "Stinky" with the mail?

  • Yea I'll go look.

  • Come on, give it to me!

  • Bastard! Is it from the GEZ?

  • Much worse. There are the tuition fees for Hogwarts.

  • What? They charge tuition fees?

  • That's an impudence, my children learn nothing at all in this school.

  • I can't read, Mum.

  • - What does that say? - Give it to me!

  • - Mum, where do we get the money? - Oh, we need to prostitute ourselves.

  • Namely, in the Fuckingalley.

  • - Come up here! I'm totally hot for you. - Have you ever fucked twins?

  • Fuck me! I am Harry Potter!

  • I am famous!

  • - I have a vagina! - I can splash water

  • out of my nose and catch it with my mouth.

  • fuck, lousy € 50 for one round without a condom, I'll do it

  • twice again, maximum.

  • - Marilyn Manson also prostitutes himself. - Hello.

  • He looks like he has no money.

  • - Who else can I fuck to get money? - Hi baby, how about us two?

  • Noo. Nah, I'm just about to call it a day.

  • - Bye. - Hey! Hey, come here!

  • You are awefully cute, give me a kiss at least.

  • Hey Harry!

  • Hagrid!

  • Heard you're doing it for fifty?

  • PEOPLE WITH STD'S, THIS WAY!

  • The Fuckingalley is only for people, who live on the social margin, Harry.

  • Never thought that you would be lingering there.

  • You're famous, you've got the money.

  • - I did it for the Weasleys. - Oh, the Weasleys.

  • Wait a moment.

  • - What did you do there? - Me? Oh, I was just shopping.

  • In the Fuckingalley?

  • Yes. There's a great baker.

  • He makes delicious donuts, you know them, right?

  • Yes, the ones with a hole in the middle, I know.

  • So, textbooks, dildos, I have everything together.

  • Oh my God!

  • Jeez! Hi, Harry!

  • - Hey, Hermione. - Hagrid.

  • Hello, you stupid cow!