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One of the constantly surprising aspects of relationships is just how much reassurance we need to believe that we are actively wanted.
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And equally, how easy it is to forget this awkward fact both about ourselves and the other person.
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The standard narrative of love tells us that insecurity about being wanted is going to be at its height at the start of the dating period.
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When we are acutely –and rather sweetly – conscious of the many ways in which our partner might not be keen on taking things further.
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But, we assume, once a relationship has started, once there might be children, a home and an established pattern of life,
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then surely the fear of being unwanted should disappear.
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But far from it the fear of being unwanted continues every day.
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There could always be new threats to love's integrity.
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Just because we were loved yesterday does not ensure a sense that we will be needed today.
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More perniciously, if a fear is left to fester,
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it can lead us to adopt a defensive position where,
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because we assume we are unwanted, we start to behave in a cold and detached way,
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which encourages the partner to act likewise.
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Two people who are, at heart, very well disposed towards one another can end up in a cycle of each denying that they need the other;
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because they cautiously and pre-emptively assume that the other person no longer wants them.
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In order to try to calm these fears and cycles of unwanted detachment,
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we should be sure to institute an apparently small but in fact crucial ritual into our lives: a morning and evening kiss.
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Every morning before parting, no matter how much in a rush we both are,
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we should give one another a proper kiss on the lips, for at least seven seconds,
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which is – in reality – a very strangely long time.
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Lean in close together, don't think about the many things you have to do in the hours ahead.
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Simply concentrate on the sensation of their mouth on yours, feel your nose against their skin.
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Don't break off abruptly at the end; keep looking at each other for another few moments and give a smile.
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The same should be repeated every evening at the point of return.
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When we kiss we are tapping into a central channel of emotional connection.
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Intimate physical contact affects us in a way that's both distinct from, and in many ways superior to, words or ideas.
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We are sensuous creatures to at least the same degree as we are rational ones.
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A smile or a caress can therefore reassure us far more deeply than can an eloquent phrase or a well-articulated fact like 'Of course I love you.'
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As babies we were soothed by touch long before we could understand language,
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and we continue to need physical contact in order to believe, truly to believe, that we do have a place in somebody else's life.
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Normally a kiss follows from a tender feeling. We have an emotion first and then we express it.
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But there's another way in which our minds can work,
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a way in which a feeling can follow from an action.
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The morning and evening kiss should hence come first, independently of whether or not there is as yet a tender emotion.
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But then, almost for certain, if we go through with the kiss, the emotion will occur (it's very hard to kiss and feel nothing).
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We may need to make that rather odd-sounding move in love: a small effort.
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The morning and evening kiss should become a ritual.
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A central feature of rituals is that we do them whether we feel like doing them or not.
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The kiss should take place even if you've just had a rather sarcastic argument or if you are racing to an important early meeting,
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or if you are feeling resentful. Better feelings will follow from it.
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When leaving the house and heading to the station, we should no longer only ask whether we have remembered the keys or the report.
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We should always ask ourselves if we have done a far more crucial and love-sustaining thing: exchanged a seven second kiss.
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Our Relationships Reboot Cards inspire conversations that can help to rekindle love between you and your partner.