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  • I TELL YOU WHAT, I WANT TO THANK

  • YOU FOR COMING TO VISIT US IN

  • NOT-SO-SUNNY LOS ANGELES.

  • IT'S BEEN RAINING HERE FOR TWO

  • DAYS NOW.

  • IT RAIN PED YESTERDAY, AND THEN

  • THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED, IT

  • RAINED AGAIN TODAY.

  • I'M THINKING ABOUT SUING THE

  • SKY.

  • TODAY IS THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY

  • OF THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON.

  • TEN YEARS AGO TODAY, CAPTAIN

  • SULLY SULLENBERGER LANDED THE

  • PLANE SAFELY IN THE RIVER AND

  • EVERYONE GOT OFF SAFELY.

  • IF THIS HAPPENED TODAY, YOU KNOW

  • TRUMP WOULD HAVE BLAMED AMERICA.

  • THEY PROBABLY NEVER IMAGINED

  • THAT TEN YEARS LATER, THE HOST

  • OF CELEBRITY APRESENT TIGS PRENT

  • FORCING THEM TO HAVE A YARD

  • SALE.

  • THERE'S STILL NO END IN SIGHT.

  • WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO A LITTLE

  • SOMETHING TO HELP THOSE WHO

  • AREN'T GETTING PAYCHECKS.

  • SO EVERY NIGHT WE'VE BEEN GIVING

  • JOBS AT THE SHOW TO ONE OF THE

  • 800,000 FEDERAL WORKERS OUT OF

  • WORK.

  • TONIGHT WE ARE GIVING WORK TO

  • TWO FEDERAL WORKERS, THEY ARE A

  • MARRIED COUPLE.

  • PLEASE WELCOME MICHELLE AND

  • FERNANDO.

  • TELL EVERYONE HERE WHERE YOU

  • WORK OR WORKED, I GET.

  • >> WE WORK FOR THE IRS AS

  • CUSTOMER SERVICE

  • REPRESENTATIVES.

  • .

  • >> Jimmy: IRS CUSTOMER, SUDDENLY

  • THEY'RE HAPPY THAT YOU'RE OUT OF

  • WOURK.

  • DO YOU GET A DISCOUNT ON YOUR

  • TAXES?

  • DO YOU FILE A JOINT RETURN?

  • IS THAT WISE?

  • >> YES, IT'S WISE.

  • >> Jimmy: IF YOU AREN'T AT WORK,

  • DOES THAT MEAN FEWER PEOPLE ARE

  • GETTING AUDITED BY THE IRS?

  • >> I'M NOT ABLE TO ANSWER THAT

  • QUESTION.

  • >> Jimmy: ARE YOU ABLE TO ANSWER

  • THIS?

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY DEPEND ENTSS,

  • CHILDREN.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Jimmy: I HEARD YOU WERE GOING

  • ON VACATION, TO FRESNO BUT YOU

  • WEREN'T ABLE TO GO BECAUSE YOU

  • DIDN'T HAVE YOUR PAYCHECKS, WE

  • CALLED AND THEY ARE GIVING YOU

  • TICKETS TO BOTH THE PARKS.

  • [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

  • THERE YOU GO, WE'RE LASS GALSO G

  • TO GIVE YOU A JOB TONIGHT.

  • THIS IS NOT A HANDOUT SITUATION,

  • YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR THIS.

  • SO TED DANSON IS ON THE SHOW,

  • AND ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST

  • BELOVED ACTORS.

  • BUT THIS IS SAD.

  • TED DANSON DOESN'T HAVE AN

  • ENTOURAGE.

  • HE HAS NO PEOPLE.

  • COME ON OUT HERE.

  • [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

  • HI, TED.

  • THANK YOU FOR, SO TED, WHY

  • DON'T, YOU'RE A BIG STAR, WHY

  • DON'T YOU HAVE AN ENTOURAGE?

  • >> I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE.

  • I JUST NEVER COULD FIND THE

  • RIGHT PEOPLE.

  • >> Jimmy: GREAT NEWS, I GOT THE

  • RIGHT PEOPLE FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.

  • >> HERE WE ARE.

  • >> Jimmy: MICHELLE AND FERNANDO.

  • >> GO WITH TED AND FOLLOW HIM

  • AROUND ANG AND AGREE WITH

  • EVERYTHING HE SAYS.

  • >> COULD WE GO OUTSIDE?

  • I JUST LOVE IT WHEN IT RAINS.

  • >> WE DO TOO!

  • >> Jimmy: EVERYBODY'S A WINNER

  • HERE.

  • >> JIMMY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

  • HI TO GUILLERMO, I LOVE

  • GUILLERMO.

  • >> WE LOVE GUILLERMO, TOO!

  • >> OKAY.

  • OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME.

  • >> Jimmy: OPEN THE DOOR FOR TED,

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THAT'S HOW IT GOES.

  • PERFECT.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • YOU KNOW, ONE REAL NEGATIVE

  • EFFECT OF THE SHUTDOWN, LONG

  • NUMBERS AT THE AIRPORT.

  • TSA WORKERS HAVE BEEN CALLING IN

  • SICK.

  • MORE THAN TWICE AS USUAL MISSED

  • THEIR SHIFTS YESTERDAY OPTING TO

  • STAY HOME AND FRISK THEIR

  • FAMILIES I GUESS.

  • BUT THIS IS THE LINE IN ATLANTA

  • YESTERDAY.

  • AND SOMEBODY SHOT THIS VIDEO AND

  • PLACED IT ONLINE.

  • THIS IS THE LINE BEFORE THE TSA

  • LINE.

  • IT'S SO LOCHKNG IT GOES ALL THE

  • THROUGH THE AIRPORT, OUTSIDE,

  • INTO THE DESERT.

  • YOU SEE, IT STRETCHES ALL THE

  • WAY TO INDIA, OKAY?

  • SO THIS IS A REAL, THIS IS A

  • REAL INCONVENIENCE.

  • BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M WORRIED

  • ABOUT?

  • I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHEN THE

  • SHUTDOWN IS OVER AND THE TSA

  • AGENTS COME BACK TO WORK EXTRA

  • FIRED UP TO SEARCH US BECAUSE

  • THEY HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A WHILE.

  • YOU GOT TO PROTECT YOUR

  • CAVITIES, FOLKS.

  • THE FEDERAL WORKERS ARE GOING,

  • DONALD TRUMP MADE HISTORY, THE

  • FIRST U.S. PRESIDENT EVER TO

  • CONGRATULATE HIMSELF ON PLACING

  • A FAST FOOD ORDER.

  • HE TWEETED, GREAT BE BEING WITH

  • THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS CLEMSON

  • TIGERS.

  • BECAUSE OF THE SHUTDOWN I FED

  • THEM MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FOOD, I

  • PAID, OVER 1,000 HAMBURGERS, ET

  • CETERA.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • HAMBURGERS.

  • HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

  • THE E AND THE U AREN'T EVEN NEAR

  • EACH OTHER ON THE KEYBOARD.

  • IT'S LIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF

  • TWEETING HE HAD A STROKE OR

  • SOMETHING.

  • OR, IS IT POSSIBLE HE THOUGHT

  • THEY WERE CALLED HAMBURGERS

  • UNTIL TODAY?

  • HE TOOK THE TWEET DOWN AND

  • CORRECTED IT, BUT NOT BEFORE HE

  • GOT TROLLED BY AMONG OTHER

  • PEOPLE, BURGER KING.

  • DUE TO A LARGE ORDER YESTERDAY,

  • WE ARE OUT OF HAMBERDERS TODAY.

  • PUT THE TWEET UP AGAIN FOR A

  • SECOND.

  • I'M NOT SURE WHAT I LOVE MOST

  • ABOUT THIS, THE FACT THAT HE

  • WRITES HAMBERDERS OR "I PAID".

  • THE TWEET SAID IT WAS OVER 1,000

  • HAMBURGERS, BUT THE SOURCE

  • INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE CLAIMS

  • THE NUMBER OF BURGERS WAS MUCH

  • LOWER THAN THAT.

  • >> WE HAVE PIZZAS, WE HAVE 300

  • HAMBURGERS.

  • >> Jimmy: HE HAS TO LIE ABOUT

  • EVERYTHING.

  • HE CAN'T HELP IT.

  • OR MAYBE HE'S THE OTHER 700

  • HAMBURGERS HIMSELF.

  • THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS DON'T COME

  • OUT UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

  • BULL AS F

  • BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED WE

  • ALREADY HAVE THE BEST PICTURE.

  • THIS, TO ME, IS THE BEST PICTURE

  • OF THE YEAR.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • THE HAPPIEST HE'S BEEN SINCE KIM

  • KARDASHIAN VISITED.

  • THIS IS IMAGE YOU SEE WHEN YOU

  • TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD IN "BIRD

  • BOX

  • BOX."

  • IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S A SUPER

  • VILLAIN WHO SET UP A TRAP TO

  • CATCH HIMSELF.

  • BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM IT TO K

  • HOW TO SPELL HAMBURGERS.

  • WE WENT OUT ON THE STREET TO SEE

  • IF WE COULD FIND ANYONE WHO

  • COULD SPELL IT.

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> HI THERE.

  • SPELL HAMBURGERS.

  • >> CAPITAL H, LOWERCASE A,

  • M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> HAMBURGERS?

  • H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-E-R-S?

  • >> NO!

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?

  • >> HAMBURGERS, OKAY,

  • H-A-M-B-U-G-E-U-E-R-S.

  • >> THAT WAS WORSE.

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S?

  • >> PICTURE A HAMBURGER IN YOUR

  • HEAD.

  • >> THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.

  • H-A-M-B-U -- NO, E-R-G-U-E-R-S?

  • >> NO.

  • >> NOWHERE CLOSE?

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-U-S?

  • >> NO.

  • >> M-AH-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> START FROM THE TOP.

  • >> OKAY.

  • H-A-M.

  • B-U-R-G-U-E?

  • >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S.

  • >> HOW ABOUT HOT DOG?

  • >> HOT DOG IS AN EASY ONE.

  • H-O-T-D-O-G.

  • >> ALL RIGHT, CLOSE ENOUGH.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • >> Jimmy: MEANWHILE IN THE

  • SENATE, DAY ONE OF TWO-DAY

  • CONFIRMATION HEARINGS FOR

  • WILLIAM B

  • WILLIAM BARR.

  • HE SAID MUELLER SHOULD BE ABLE

  • TO CLEAT OMPLETE HIS WORK AND WI

  • NOT LET PERSONAL OPINIONS

  • INFLUENCE THE RUSSIA

  • INVESTIGATION.

  • >> WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE A

  • CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH MR.

  • MUELLER?

  • >> I WOULD SAY WE ARE GOOD

  • FRIENDS.

  • >> WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOU

  • UNDERSTAND HIM TO BE A

  • FAIR-MINDED PERSON?

  • >> ABSOLUTELY.

  • >> DO YOU TRUST HIM TO BE FAIR