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  • One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper The Rocky Mountain News in July 1985.

  • The work of two University of Denver psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, the questionnaire

  • asked readers to identify which of three statements most closely reflected who they were in love.

  • To hugely improve our chances of thriving in relationships,

  • we should dare to take the same test:

  • A: I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being

  • abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. B: I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.

  • I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me.

  • I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.

  • C: I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely,

  • difficult to allow myself to depend on them.

  • I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

  • Behind the scenes, the options refer to the three main styles of relating to others,

  • first identified by the English psychologist John Bowlby, the inventor of Attachment Theory in the 1950s and 60s.

  • Option A signals what is known as a secure pattern of attachment,

  • whereby love and trust come easily. Option B refers what is known as the anxious pattern of attachment, where one

  • longs to be intimate with others but is continuously scared of letdown

  • and often precipitates crises in relationships through counter-productively aggressive behaviour. Option C is what known as

  • the avoidant pattern of attachment, where it feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal.

  • Questionnaires in newspapers are rarely of much use but Hazan's and Shaver's is the momentous exception.

  • If there is one thing we should do to improve our relationships, it is to know which of the three categories we predominantly belong to – A, B, or C –

  • and to deploy the knowledge in love so as to warn ourselves and others of the traps we might fall into.

  • We then need a little training because half of us at least are not secure in love; we belong in the camps of either the avoidant

  • or the anxious, and we haveto complicate mattersan above average propensity to

  • fall in love with someone from the other damaged side, thereby aggravating our insecurities

  • and defences in the process. Here is a brief list of what avoidants and anxious types should keep in mind in their relationships:

  • IF YOU ARE AN AVOIDANT WITH SOMEONE ANXIOUSLY ATTACHED. Well, recognise the extent to which you check out

  • emotionally when things are intense, particularly when there is an offer of closeness.

  • Recognise how you will tend to prefer sex and closeness with strangers and how nervous you will be around cuddles and kissing.

  • You probably don't want to keep the light on either. Watch how you sabotage long-term intimacy.

  • Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want.

  • Think back to how in your past, closeness would have been frightening because people let you

  • down, and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself. You are hurt,

  • not bad. Remind yourself that the present is different from the past and that you are

  • ruining the present by bringing to it fear-laden dynamics that don't actually belong there.

  • It may feel like your partner is being aggressive and ill-tempered with you for no reason;

  • they are at heart upset and unable to express their needs in any other way. They want you;

  • and that is why they are behaving as they are. Look beneath their nagging and their accusations

  • and believe in their underlying goodwill. When they attack you, see their longing for love.

  • Do that very frightening thing: extend reassurance. And explain, calmly, the appeal of the cave.

  • IF YOU ARE AN ANXIOUS PERSON WITH AN AVOIDANT PARTNER. Here are some other things to bear in mind.

  • Things are not necessarily as bad as they seem. The other person's quiet might just be quiet, not a lack of love.

  • Their distance isn't necessarily meanness, it might be their way of maintaining equilibrium. On the other hand, you are not demented or 'needy'

  • to want more; but your way of dealing with what you legitimately need is aggravating things hugely.

  • You are be triggering your partner by asking for intimacy too directly and also

  • (probably) with too much anger. Realise that you need to tread lightly, and to be a little

  • distant in requesting closeness. The partner isn't mean or freakish; merely damagedas are you.

  • And that's very normal. A full 40% of the population are in your positions.

  • Knowing whether we can be classed as secure, avoidant or anxious in love should be a basic fact we grasp about ourselves.

  • The next step is to accept with grace that if we are either

  • avoidant or anxious, we will need considerable emotional schooling to get out of scratchy

  • patterns and stand a chance of building up a good enough relationship.

  • Our Relationships Book calmly guides us with calm and charm through the key issues of relationships.

  • To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck. For more click the link now.

One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper The Rocky Mountain News in July 1985.

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B1 中級

あなたの愛着スタイルは? (What Is Your Attachment Style?)

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    Tracy Wang に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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