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  • I really am a boring person when I'm home.

  • I just hang out at the house. I hang out with my cat

  • I got a cat named Jessica (audience chuckles)

  • Thank you. I'm a cat person, are there any other cat people out there?

  • (some audience members cheer)

  • Got some cat people here nice. I'm guessing the rest of you are dog people is that what it is yeah?

  • (audience cheers)

  • Yeah, I'm not anti dog , you know, every time I tell someone I'm a cat person

  • What does that mean? You don't like dogs? No, that's not what that means it just means. I like other people's dogs (laughter)

  • I like dogs. I just like them over there and I'll play with them, but then go back over there

  • I don't like that kind of energy in my house

  • You know what I mean that annoying dog best friend in your face all the time energy, just like "YEEAAAAHH!"

  • "I LOVE YOU HAHAHAHA!"

  • "YOU'RE HOME WHERE'VE YOU BEEN??? NYAHAHAHAHAH!!"

  • It creeps me out. I don't care for that

  • I don't like that at all, just in your face like "YOU WANNA GO OUT?? THERE'S A TREE!"

  • "I KNOW THIS TREE! YOU WANNA HANG OUT AT THIS TREE?? WHAT IF I JUST KEEP BREATHING INTO YOUR FACE? HAHAHAHAHA!"

  • EEugh

  • All the time? No thank you

  • That's why I like cats cats more like "Hey, what are you up to? Nevermind I just remembered. I don't care"

  • "I'll be in the kitchen, I'll see you later."

  • I Like that. I don't need a best friend at the house. I just need like an apathetic roommate

  • That sometimes wants to hang out

  • Like a dog you can pet a dog's belly all day. They'll never get tired of it

  • Just all day just like "Yeah, man. Never stop. You're the best! HAHAHAHA!"

  • Hopefully not that creepy, but you get the idea

  • A cat you can pet for what two, maybe three seconds since it's like "All right get away from me."

  • "I got my own things going on, I got a pile of clean laundry to lay on, get away from me."

  • That's what my cat does it waits for the pile of clean laundry

  • We haven't folded yet, and just rubs on it while making eye contact. Just like "Mm-hmm."

  • "Everyone's gonna know."

  • So bothersome

  • My wife, she has a new hobby, she's really into special needs animals. I don't know if that's made its way out here in Provo

  • If you don't know what special needs animals. They're animals, they have special needs

  • (audience laughs) That is all

  • There's this one, Oscar the blind cat, it was a cat

  • That was born without any eyes, and they have a like page on Facebook and my wife goes on there every day and cries

  • And that's what she does for fun. That's what she does for a good time, and it's weird cuz I come home

  • And she's just on the computer (crying noises)

  • And you know me being a guy I was thinking something I did

  • And then she goes no, and then she turns the computer and it's Oscar the blind cat "Look at Oscar."

  • And he's adorable he has no eyes

  • (whimper)

  • and I'm like (mournful sigh)

  • And she goes "I want a special-needs animal, I want one." I'm like "You don't ask for one you get bestowed one.

  • Cuz I don't know. What do you you can't just go to the pound be like

  • "Hey, hey, what do you have in the back?" like that's not how that works

  • "I need like a three-legged dog or a cat with something. What do you have?"

  • You can't do that

  • You know we got Jessica at the pound, that's where we got Jessica, and we didn't name her Jessica

  • They named her at the pound and people always ask. Why don't you change your name cuz that's wrong. You don't change someone's name

  • That's rude like if you adopt a kid from another country. You can't just be like "Yep can't pronounce that your name's Jeff now."

  • That's rude. You learn that person's name so I got a cat named Jessica

  • Very much your thing

  • Jessica's overweight she weighs more than she should for a cat

  • Which sucks cuz when people come over no one blames the cat in that scenario

  • You know what I mean no one comes over and goes what happened here, sweetheart a little heavy on the carbs? No

  • They look at you, and they go what'd you do to her?

  • And that's not fair cuz I try we have the laser pointer. I got the stick with the feather

  • I'm always running around my house "Come on, sweetheart. Let's get the cardio going"

  • She's not that into it, my wife and I we bought diet formula kibble

  • They make diet formula kibble, and they have rules just one cup per day cuz you're on a diet Jessica

  • We tried

  • But then at 2:00 in the morning Jessica would come into our bedroom at night climb onto our bed and then stand on my head

  • Twenty two and a half pounds of her you guys on my skull and she would come down into my ear and just go

  • "MEEEEEEEERRRRRR, MEEEEEEEEERRR"

  • and I'm like "Yeah, you're right this diet is over. I had no idea that's how you felt about it. I apologize."

  • "I'm getting up right now and cooking you some bacon. Let's get after it."

  • (audience claps)

  • I don't have any children

  • But if I'm out in public and I see a parent of an overweight child I make eye

  • Contact and I go "I get it.

  • "Does the little fella standing on your head at night and scream in your ear?"

  • "I get it give him what he wants, we need our sleep."

  • My wife and I we sleep on a memory foam mattress

  • That's what we say, but anyone else here rockin the memory foam mattress? It's the best mattress in the world

  • It's most comfortable is it not? It's the best, that mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only

  • Don't do anything else on my mattress, it was not created for that

  • That is not why scientists came together

  • just make for resting comfortably and that is it

  • I know cuz we tried and it sucks every time. It's like trying to wrestle in quicksand

  • It is the worst you just start sinking in slowly

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Stay calm, stay calm! Just try to get your leg out just breathe keep your eyes open!"

  • "Keep your eyes on the horizon try to get your leg out, get your leg out! I'm gonna get some help, Jessica!"

  • "We need some help!"

  • But she can't help, she just stands on our backs and pushes us in further

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I really am a boring person when I'm home.

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