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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> THANK YOU.
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GOOD TO BE HERE.
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I'VE COME HERE FROM ENGLAND BECAUSE I'M SICK OF ENGLAND,
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EVERYBODY I DO I HAVE TO FOLLOW THIS ACT, LOTS OF PEOPLE FOR
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AGES PRETENDING TO PUKE!
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I'M SICK OF IT!
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I COME TO AMERICA, WANT TO TREAT ME LIKE AN ARTIST AND LET ME
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TELL YOU, I'M FURIOUS RIGHT NOW!
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I CANNOT BELIEVE MY LUCK!
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ANYWAY, RECENTLY, I HAD A POLICE OFFICER EXPLAIN WITNESS
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PROTECTION TO ME.
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YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHY.
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(LAUGHTER) >> HE GOES JAMES, WHEN SOMEONE
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IS INTO WITNESS PROTECTION HE OR SHE IS GIVEN A NEW LOCATION, AND
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HE OR SHE IS RELOCATED AND HE OR SHE SPENDS THE REST OF THEIR
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LIFE UNDER GOVERNMENT PROTECTION.
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I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HE PUT IT.
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HE OR SHE, BECAUSE HE OR SHE IS ONLY SAID BY MEN WHO FULLY
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INTENDED TO SAY HE, AND THE VERY LAST SECOND RECOGNIZED THAT SHE
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EXISTS.
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PRETTY COOL.
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EVERY TIME.
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ALWAYS SAID HE OR SHE, LIKE JUST POPPED INTO THEIR HEAD, THEY
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CAN'T BELIEVE IT, THEY'RE SO DEFENSIVE, OR SHE, FROM THE LAST
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WORD, GOT NOTHING ON ME, OR SHE!
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(APPLAUSE) >> THAT'S RIGHT!
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WOMEN NEVER SAY HE OR SHE, MAN.
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THEY USE A DIFFERENT WORD, MEN DON'T USE THIS WORD, CONFUSING
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OR DIFFICULT TO PRONOUNCE, WOMEN SAY, I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THIS
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RIGHT -- THEY.
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(APPLAUSE) >> FINAL% OF MEN DON'T KNOW WHAT
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THEY MEANS, 1% THINK IT'S HE.
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IT'S A CONFUSING WORD.
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THIS MAN, NEVER HEARD THEY BEFORE?
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IT'S LIKE OH, FINE!
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SORRY!
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SOMEONE INTO WITNESS PROTECTION THEY, OR SHE -- WHAT A SNEAKY
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COP!
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WHAT A SNEAKY COP THAT GUY WAS!
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I'M GOING TO GO TO ITALY PERSONALLY, LEANING TOWER OF
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PISA IS MY FAVORITE OF THE WORLD.
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THE POSE, THE PERSPECTIVE TRICK, LINE IT UP.
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IT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE TOWER FROM A
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DISTANCE, VERY CLEVER, VERY FUNNY.
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ALL DOING IT.
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BAR NONE!
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EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, FILLED WITH PEOPLE DOING THAT AND ALL
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OF THEM WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR PHOTO TAKEN HAVE A SMUG LOOK IN
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THEIR EYE AS IF TO SAY, I CAME UP WITH THIS.
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IT'S MY IDEA.
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IT IS NOT THEIR IDEA!
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SOMEONE CAME UP WITH THAT ONCE BACK IN THE DAY.
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SOMEONE INVENTED THAT AND HE OR SHE WAS THE ONLY -- COULD HAVE
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BEEN A WOMAN, YOU MISOGYNIST.
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HE OR SHE INVENTED IT.
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ONE PERSON DOING THAT, A FIELD FULL OF PEOPLE NOT DOING IT.
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SOME OF THE OLD ONES, BIT BIT OF THAT, THAT ONE.
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THAT'S A CLASSIC ISN'T IT?
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THAT STILL GOES STRONG TO THIS DAY, ACTUALLY.
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WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH YEAH YEAH!
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(APPLAUSE) >> THERE IT IS.
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WE ALL LOVE A BIT OF THERE IT IS, DON'T WE?
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THE HAND SAYS THERE IT IS.
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BUT THE EYES SAY, HERE I AM!
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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> I WENT TO PISA HAD MY PHOTO
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TAKEN.
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I DIDN'T DO THAT, I DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT.
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I REFUSED.
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FLAT OUT REFUSED.
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WHEN MY PHOTO TAKEN GOT EVEN FURTHER AWAY, THE TOWER WAS EVEN
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SMALLER, THOSE PEOPLE WERE REALLY TINY AS WELL.
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THEN I LINED IT UP SO I HAD ABOUT THREE LITTLE GUYS ALL
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CALLING ME UP -- THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY I'M IN ENGLAND,
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VERY NICE TO SEE YOU!
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> James: JAMES ACASTER,
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EVERYONE!
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CHECK OUT "REPERTOIRE" ON NETFLIX NOW!