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  • - [Sister] Listen, I know tomorrow is your first day

  • of high school and you're probably nervous.

  • - (gulps)

  • - But don't worry, all you have to do

  • is follow these tips and you'll be fine.

  • - [Sister] First off,

  • you're going to need to survive the first day.

  • The other kids are gonna seem a lot older than you.

  • - Yeah, I get up around like four, you know?

  • Then I watch a half hour of YouTube motivation--

  • - Johnson, I told you to buy low and sell high!

  • No, I don't care what your wife thinks! Buy, buy, buy!

  • - [Sister] Learn the different types of students.

  • You have the jock.

  • - Yeah, I go to every party and

  • my girlfriend's head cheerleader.

  • I'm peaking right now and I don't even know it!

  • - [Sister] The preppy one.

  • - Remember! Tuesday's the last day to get

  • your votes in for the student council!

  • My parents got divorced last year,

  • so I exude positivity to mask my inner turmoil!

  • - [Sister] There's always some nerd.

  • - Yeah, this sucks. But in a few years,

  • I'll own a billion dollar company,

  • and I'll hire these jerks to wipe my ass.

  • - [Sister] The edgy one.

  • - My parents are warm and supportive,

  • but I act out because they don't get me.

  • - [Sister] The class clown.

  • - (clears throat) Viruses are not typically

  • considered orgasms because they lack --

  • - She said "orgasm" instead of "organism!"

  • (students laughs)

  • - [Sister] They're usually not even that funny,

  • just loud and obnoxious.

  • And finally, the no show.

  • - Jacob? Has he been to a class at all this year?

  • - [Sister] Get to know the different types of teachers.

  • There's the one who thinks she's in control.

  • - I'm still waiting!

  • - [Sister] But she's not.

  • - Still waiting.

  • - [Sister] The drama teacher who's most likely

  • a functioning alcoholic.

  • - Alright all my little stars, I want you to breathe in

  • through your noses (inhaling), and out through your vaginas.

  • - (exhales loudly) Oh yeah.

  • - [Sister] And the teacher who tries to make learning fun.

  • - (rapping) Your arms contains the humerus,

  • but yo, this isn't laughable. It's serious.

  • Lifting bones until I go delirious.

  • The epidermis protects the internal organs from bacterias.

  • "Hashtag" science is lit!

  • - [Sister] Develop your study habits.

  • - I'm so ready for this, I spent

  • the last three weeks studying.

  • - I skimmed the textbook at lunch.

  • - There's a test today? Man, English is B.S.

  • Me already talk good!

  • - Hey, check it out. I wrote all of Chapter 15 on my arm.

  • - We're on Chapter 16.

  • (slams hands on desk)

  • - [Sister] Your body is gonna go through ...

  • Changes. But don't be ashamed.

  • - There's nothing wrong with a little bit of "me" time.

  • (squirts lotion)

  • - You wanna take just a pea-sized dollop of lotion,

  • apply it to your T-Zone, spread it out--

  • - [Sister] High school is all about firsts,

  • like your first relationship.

  • (romantic music)

  • - Hey Amy! Chris thinks you're hot!

  • - (laughs) Oh yeah?

  • - No, no, I meant like you look warm, like sweaty.

  • Do you have the flu or something?

  • - (laughs) You're funny.

  • (students high five)

  • - [Sister] Your first time might be,

  • no, it'll definitely be awkward.

  • - [Chris] OK, just gonna put the seat back.

  • - [Amy] Ow!

  • - [Chris] Sorry.

  • - [Amy] Ew, why are your pants wet?

  • - [Chris] Shhh, let's just cherish the moment.

  • OK, now move left.

  • - [Amy] Here?

  • - [Chris] Yeah, perfect.

  • - [Amy] Is it in yet?

  • - [Chris] I think so. Oh god!

  • Wow, you are amazing.

  • Hey, what did you get on your math final?

  • (sighs) I think I flunked it.

  • - [Sister] The first breakup always hurts the most.

  • - You'll be okay, man.

  • - Don't even worry about it.

  • My girl broke up with me for the exact same reason.

  • - Besides, you'll feel a lot better

  • once you finish those 40s.

  • - Yeah, I guess so. (gulps)

  • - [Sister] Get good at lying to adults,

  • you'll be doing it a lot.

  • - Officer, I assure you these are non-alcoholic beers.

  • - I was gonna do my homework, but (cries)

  • my grandpa's been really sick, and it's been hard--

  • - Daddy, I swear we were studying algebra!

  • - Don't worry, I am not gonna have a party.

  • I'm just gonna be studying all weekend--

  • OK guys! Enjoy your trip! Bye!

  • - [Sister] When your parents leave town,

  • you are socially obligated to throw a party.

  • - Haha! The party has arrived!

  • - Hey! Careful where you put that! We got marble floors!

  • (gasps) Who took the plastic off the couch?

  • - You guys know Ms. Thompson? She's so hot!

  • - Who?

  • - Do you even go to our school?

  • - Alright. Cool. Anyone need more beer? Goin' on a run.

  • - Little bit of this, a little bit of that ...

  • Dad will never find out! Plus, it tastes better.

  • (spits)

  • - [Sister] Just remember to take it all in.

  • (vomits)

  • - It's OK, I swallowed it.

  • - [Sister] Because before you know it,

  • it'll be time to graduate.

  • - I can't believe we're finally done.

  • - Guys, we're still gonna see each other all the time.

  • - You know what? I have no fears about my future at all.

  • - Hey, did anyone learn how to do their taxes?

  • - And that's pretty much it. Any questions?

  • - So, what happens after high school?

  • - Well, you'll go to college where

  • you'll take out loans to pay for classes

  • you're not even sure why you're going to in the first place.

  • Then, you'll spend the next eight years

  • unsure of what you want, floating through periods

  • of binge drinking when you realize

  • you don't actually know anything.

  • You'll meet a handsome Guatemalan man

  • who promises he doesn't have herpes, but he does.

  • Every night you'll lie in bed,

  • hoping to fall asleep before you fall apart.

  • Anyways, enjoy your first day!

  • (bright music)

  • - I don't know what to do!

  • I'm lost in life,

  • I'm just 16, man. Come on!

  • - [Chris] Hey, what did you get on that biology midterm?

  • (laughs)

  • I was gonna say, "I got a 69!"

  • - [Sound Guy] Oh my god, I was just thinking that.

  • - [Chris] No way!

  • - And repeat this anywhere else on your face

  • where you might be having problem areas:

  • dry skin, extra acne--

  • - That's the anterior bicep

  • that you're feeling right there.

  • Yeah, I'll eat, like, a Pop-Tart for some carbs, but--

  • - I love Pop-Tarts.

  • - Me too.

  • - What kind's your favorite?

  • - Strawberry.

  • - Yeah, you kind of look like a strawberry.

  • (laughs)

  • - [Sister] What did we miss? Leave a comment

  • in the comment section below.

- [Sister] Listen, I know tomorrow is your first day

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B1 中級

高校生になるには (How to be a High Schooler)

  • 26 0
    ggwwppp179 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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