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  • On September 10, the morning of my seventh birthday,

    翻訳: Takako Sato 校正: Marika Taniguchi

  • I came downstairs to the kitchen, where my mother was washing the dishes

    9月10日 私が7才になった誕生日の朝

  • and my father was reading the paper or something,

    母は台所で食器洗いをして

  • and I sort of presented myself to them in the doorway, and they said,

    父は新聞を読んでいたの

  • "Hey, happy birthday!" And I said, "I'm seven."

    私の姿を見て 両親は“お誕生日おめでとう”

  • And my father smiled and said,

    ”7才になったよ” と私

  • "Well, you know what that means, don't you?"

    父がニコッとして言ったの

  • And I said, "Yeah, that I'm going to have a party

    “7才になる意味はわかってるね?”

  • and a cake and get a lot of presents?"

    “ケーキを食べたりプレゼントを貰うってこと?”

  • And my dad said, "Well, yes.

    “そうとも言えるけど もっと大事なのは

  • But more importantly,

    7才は分別年齢に達したってことさ

  • being seven means that you've reached the age of reason,

    神と人に対して罪を犯す可能性があるんだよ”

  • and you're now capable of committing any and all sins against God and man."

    (笑)

  • (Laughter)

    “分別年齢”って表現はその前から聞いたことはあった

  • Now, I had heard this phrase, "age of reason," before.

    2年生のクラスで シスターが言ってたの

  • Sister Mary Kevin had been bandying it about

    でもシスターが言ってたのは

  • my second-grade class at school.

    初めての聖餐や懺悔の準備に関わる―

  • But when she said it,

    興奮のように聞こえたのよ

  • the phrase seemed all caught up in the excitement of preparations

    白いドレスを着てベールをつけることだって思ってた

  • for our first communion and our first confession,

    “分別年齢”という表現は 深く考えたことがなかったから

  • and everybody knew that was really all about the white dress

    “もう一度おしえて” と言ったの

  • and the white veil.

    父が言うには “カトリック教会ではね

  • And anyway, I hadn't really paid all that much attention

    小さな子どもは善悪の区別が出来ないと神はわかってるけど

  • to that phrase, "age of reason."

    7才だと分別できるようになるんだ

  • So, I said, "Yeah, yeah, age of reason. What does that mean again?"

    もう大きくなったから これからは

  • And my dad said, "Well, we believe, in the Catholic Church,

    神様がお前の永久記録をつけ始めるのさ”

  • that God knows that little kids don't know the difference between right and wrong,

    (笑)

  • but when you're seven, you're old enough to know better.

    “そうなんだ でも待って 今日までずっと良い子にしてたのに

  • So, you've grown up and reached the age of reason,

    神様は気づいてくれなかったの?”

  • and now God will start keeping notes on you,

    “いや 私は気づいてたよ” と母

  • and begin your permanent record."

    (笑)

  • (Laughter)

    私は思ったわ “どうして

  • And I said, "Oh ...

    今まで知らなかったのかしら?

  • Wait a minute.

    良い子にしてた意味がないじゃない

  • You mean all that time, up till today,

    こんなに大事な情報を 意味がなくなる日まで

  • all that time I was so good, God didn't notice it?"

    知らなかったなんて最悪よ

  • And my mom said, "Well, I noticed it."

    “じゃあ サンタさんは 良い子か

  • (Laughter)

    悪い子かわかってるんでしょう?” と私

  • And I thought, "How could I not have known this before?

    父は “感謝祭と

  • How could it not have sunk in when they'd been telling me?

    クリスマスの間だけだと思うよ”

  • All that being good and no real credit for it.

    母は “お父さん 教えちゃいましょうよ

  • And worst of all, how could I not have realized

    この子は7才よ サンタなんていないの”

  • this very important information

    (笑)

  • until the very day that it was basically useless to me?"

    実はね これにはあまり驚きはしなかった

  • So I said, "Well, Mom and Dad, what about Santa Claus?

    出来過ぎた話だと思ってたの

  • I mean, Santa Claus knows if you're naughty or nice, right?"

    普通の家ではクリスマスイブの夜に

  • And my dad said, "Yeah, but, honey,

    サンタがプレゼントを届けて 翌朝一番に

  • I think that's technically just between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

    プレゼントを開けるけど

  • And my mother said, "Oh, Bob, stop it. Let's just tell her. I mean, she's seven.

    うちは両親が事前にサンタと相談してたから

  • Julie, there is no Santa Claus."

    サンタが来る時間が遅いわけ

  • (Laughter)

    来る時間は 大ミサが行われるクリスマスの朝9時

  • Now, this was actually not that upsetting to me.

    でも良い子にしていないと来てくれない

  • My parents had this whole elaborate story about Santa Claus:

    とっても怪しいと思ったわ

  • how they had talked to Santa Claus himself and agreed

    両親がプレゼントを用意してるのは明らかだった

  • that instead of Santa delivering our presents

    父の包装の仕方は独特だったし

  • over the night of Christmas Eve,

    母とサンタの筆跡はそっくり

  • like he did for every other family who got to open their surprises

    それに サンタが皆の家を回って

  • first thing Christmas morning,

    わざわざ うちまで戻ってくるなんて変よね

  • our family would give Santa more time.

    たくさんある証拠から導ける確かな結論は1つしかない

  • Santa would come to our house while we were at nine o'clock high mass

    我が家はあまりに異色すぎて

  • on Christmas morning, but only if all of us kids did not make a fuss.

    サンタさえ来ない

  • Which made me very suspicious.

    両親は陽気なサンタに拒否された恥ずかしさから

  • It was pretty obvious that it was really our parents giving us the presents.

    私たちを守ろうと頑張っていた

  • I mean, my dad had a very distinctive wrapping style,

    でもサンタだって良い子にしかプレゼントをくれない

  • and my mother's handwriting was so close to Santa's.

    だから サンタが架空だってことは ある意味 安心できたの

  • (Laughter)

    あまりショックを受けず台所を後にしたんだけど

  • Plus, why would Santa save time by having to loop back

    分別年齢を知らなかったことは

  • to our house after he'd gone to everybody else's?

    本当に唖然としちゃったわ

  • There was only one obvious conclusion to reach from this mountain of evidence:

    私には役に立たないけど この情報が使える―

  • our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit,

    誰かに教えてあげられる

  • and my poor parents were trying to protect us from the embarrassment,

    それには基準が2つ

  • this humiliation of rejection by Santa, who was jolly --

    分別年齢の概念を

  • but let's face it, he was also very judgmental.

    理解できて 7才未満であること

  • So to find out that there was no Santa Claus at all

    弟のビルは6才だわ

  • was actually sort of a relief.

    弟は近所にある学校の遊び場で

  • I left the kitchen not really in shock about Santa,

    遊んでた 土曜日だったの

  • but rather, I was just dumbfounded

    1人でボール蹴りして遊んでいた弟に

  • about how I could have missed this whole age of reason thing.

    私は走り寄って言ったの

  • It was too late for me, but maybe I could help someone else,

    “分別年齢は7才からだって 今わかったの

  • someone who could use the information.

    7才になると罪を犯す可能性が出ちゃうのよ”

  • They had to fit two criteria:

    ”だから何?” “7才まであと1年あるじゃない

  • they had to be old enough to be able to understand

    それまで何をしても神様は気づかないのよ”

  • the whole concept of the age of reason, and not yet seven.

    “それで?” と弟 “あんたバカね!”

  • The answer was clear: my brother Bill. He was six.

    走って帰ろうと思ったけど 頭に来たから

  • Well, I finally found Bill

    階段を上った所で 思わせぶりに振り返り

  • about a block away from our house at this public school playground.

    “そういえばね サンタなんていないのよ”

  • It was a Saturday, and he was all by himself,

    (笑)

  • just kicking a ball against the side of a wall.

    その当時は知らなかったんだけど

  • I ran up to him and said, "Bill!

    9月10日に7才になったわけじゃなかった

  • I just realized that the age of reason starts when you turn seven,

    13歳の誕生日に お泊まり会を計画したの

  • and then you're capable of committing any and all sins

    でも その数週間前に 母に呼ばれて言われたの

  • against God and man."

    “話さなくちゃいけないことがあるの

  • And Bill said, "So?"

    誕生日は9月10日ではなく10月10日なの” “えっ?”

  • And I said, "So, you're six.

    (笑)

  • You have a whole year to do anything you want to and God won't notice it."

    “幼稚園に入るには9月15日以前に生まれた子どもって言うもんだから”

  • And he said, "So?"

    (笑)

  • And I said, "So? So everything!"

    “だから誕生日は9月10日だって言ったのよ

  • And I turned to run. I was so angry with him.

    あなたが いろんなところで言いふらしたら困るから

  • But when I got to the top of the steps,

    誕生日は9月10日だって言い始めたのよ

  • I turned around dramatically and said,

    でもね あなたは準備万端だったのよ”

  • "Oh, by the way, Bill -- there is no Santa Claus."

    私は4歳のとき

  • (Laughter)

    既に4人兄弟の一番上で

  • Now, I didn't know it at the time,

    母は5人目を妊娠中だったから

  • but I really wasn't turning seven on September 10th.

    母が意味していたのは 彼女が準備万端だったのよ

  • For my 13th birthday,

    それで母は言ったの

  • I planned a slumber party with all of my girlfriends,

    “心配しないで 毎年10月10日の誕生日には

  • but a couple of weeks beforehand my mother took me aside and said,

    気づかなかったでしょうけど

  • "I need to speak to you privately.

    ケーキを食べさせてたのよ”

  • September 10th is not your birthday. It's October 10th."

    (笑)

  • And I said, "What?"

    嬉しいのか何なのか

  • (Laughter)

    私がその場にいながら 母は私抜きで誕生日を祝ってたの

  • And she said ...

    これを聞いて動揺したのは

  • (Laughter)

    お泊まり会の日を

  • "Listen. The cut-off date to start kindergarten was September 15th."

    変更することではなく

  • (Laughter)

    実は乙女座じゃなかったってこと

  • "So I told them that your birthday was September 10th,

    部屋に大きな乙女座のポスターを貼っていて

  • and then I wasn't sure

    毎日星占いも読んでたの しかも占いは大当たり

  • that you weren't just going to go blab it all over the place,

    (笑)

  • so I started to tell you your birthday was September 10th.

    私は天秤座だったってこと?

  • But, Julie, you were so ready to start school, honey. You were so ready."

    だから 私は天秤座のポスターを買いに行ったの

  • I thought about it, and when I was four,

    乙女座のポスターは長い髪の美女が

  • I was already the oldest of four children,

    水辺で くつろいでいる絵だけど

  • and my mother even had another child to come,

    天秤座は巨大な天秤だけ

  • so what I think she -- understandably -- really meant

    当時 私は成長期で

  • was that she was so ready, she was so ready.

    他の子よりも成長が早かったから

  • Then she said, "Don't worry, Julie.

    正直 サインが天秤だなんて

  • Every year on October 10th,

    不吉で憂鬱にしか感じなかった

  • when it was your birthday but you didn't realize it,

    (笑)

  • I made sure that you ate a piece of cake that day."

    でも新しいポスターを買って

  • (Laughter)

    天秤座の星占いを読み始めたら

  • Which was comforting, but troubling.

    あまりにも私にぴったりだったから驚いたわ

  • My mother had been celebrating my birthday with me, without me.

    分別年齢や誕生日の話を

  • (Laughter)

    思い出して 7才になったと思ったときに

  • What was so upsetting about this new piece of information

    実はまだ6才だったと気づいたのは

  • was not that I had to change the date of my slumber party

    しばらくしてからなの 神様が私の記録を

  • with all of my girlfriends.

    つけ始めるまで 自由な時間が1か月もあったのよ

  • What was most upsetting was that this meant I was not a Virgo.

    ああ 人生って残酷よね

  • I had a huge Virgo poster in my bedroom.

    ある日 モルモン宣教師2人組が訪ねて来たの

  • And I read my horoscope every single day,

    ロスの賑やかな場所に住んでいたから

  • and it was so totally me.

    セールスや勧誘の人が 家々を

  • (Laughter)

    回り始める場所だったの

  • And this meant that I was a Libra?

    セブンスデー・アドベンチスト教会の婦人が

  • So, I took the bus downtown to get the new Libra poster.

    天国の絵を持って来たり

  • The Virgo poster is a picture of a beautiful woman with long hair,

    雑誌の購読契約をしてくれれば 僕はギャングになったり

  • sort of lounging by some water,

    強奪はしないよと言う

  • but the Libra poster is just a huge scale.

    10代の子が来ることもあった

  • This was around the time that I started filling out physically,

    だから普段は居留守を使うんだけど この日は出たの

  • and I was filling out a lot more than a lot of the other girls,

    糊がきいた白の半袖シャツを着た19歳位の

  • and frankly, the whole idea that my astrological sign was a scale

    男の子が2人立っていて

  • just seemed ominous and depressing.

    末日聖徒イエス・キリスト教会の代表者だと

  • (Laughter)

    書いてある小さな名札をつけていた

  • But I got the new Libra poster,

    その2人は 神からのお言葉を伝えに来たって言うの

  • and I started to read my new Libra horoscope,

    “神様から私宛ての伝言?” “そうです”

  • and I was astonished to find that it was also totally me.

    私は末日聖徒教会の信者がたくさんいる―

  • (Laughter)

    アメリカの太平洋沿岸で育ったから

  • It wasn't until years later, looking back

    仕事も一緒にしたり デートだってしたことがある

  • on this whole age-of-reason, change-of-birthday thing,

    でも 教義や 布教活動でどんなことを言うのか―

  • that it dawned on me:

    無知だったから 好奇心が出ちゃって

  • I wasn't turning seven when I thought I turned seven.

    “お入りください” と言ったら とても嬉しそうだった

  • I had a whole other month

    家に上がるなんて稀だと思うの

  • to do anything I wanted to before God started keeping tabs on me.

    (笑)

  • Oh, life can be so cruel.

    彼らには座ってもらい 水を差しだしたの

  • One day, two Mormon missionaries came to my door.

    水を差しだした部分からね

  • Now, I just live off a main thoroughfare in Los Angeles,

    髪を触っちゃいけないのよね

  • and my block is -- well, it's a natural beginning

    (笑)

  • for people who are peddling things door to door.

    自分が映るビデオを目の前にして

  • Sometimes I get little old ladies from the Seventh Day Adventist Church

    髪を触らないなんて無理よ

  • showing me these cartoon pictures of heaven.

    (笑)

  • And sometimes I get teenagers who promise me

    彼らには座ってもらい 水を差しだした

  • that they won't join a gang and just start robbing people,

    軽い会話の後 “神が心から愛してくれていると信じますか?” って聞かれたの

  • if I only buy some magazine subscriptions from them.

    私は心の中で “もちろん神様のことは信じているけど

  • So normally, I just ignore the doorbell, but on this day, I answered.

    心っていう言葉が引っかかる

  • And there stood two boys, each about 19, in white, starched short-sleeved shirts,

    神を擬人化しちゃうもの

  • and they had little name tags

    それに神を ‘彼’として扱うのも好きじゃない”

  • that identified them as official representatives

    でも語意で争いたくなかったから

  • of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

    ぎこちなくて長い沈黙の後

  • and they said they had a message for me, from God.

    “はい 深い愛を感じます”

  • I said, "A message for me? From God?" And they said, "Yes."

    模範解答だったかのように

  • Now, I was raised in the Pacific Northwest,

    彼らは顔を見合わせ にっこりした

  • around a lot of Church of Latter-day Saints people and, you know,

    “人類みな兄弟だと信じますか?”

  • I've worked with them and even dated them,

    “はい 信じます”

  • but I never really knew the doctrine,

    即答できる質問でホッとしたわ

  • or what they said to people when they were out on a mission,

    “聴かせたいお話があるんです”

  • and I guess I was sort of curious, so I said, "Well, please, come in."

    彼らは紀元前600年にエルサレムにいたという―

  • And they looked really happy,

    リーハイという男の話を始めたの

  • because I don't think this happens to them all that often.

    その当時は男も女も

  • (Laughter)

    子どもも 赤ん坊も 胎児も

  • And I sat them down, and I got them glasses of water --

    みんな邪悪だったらしく

  • Ok, I got it, I got it.

    リーハイは “ボートにみんなを乗せれば

  • I got them glasses of water.

    ここから脱出させてあげよう” という啓示を受け

  • Don't touch my hair, that's the thing.

    アメリカに移住したって言うの

  • (Laughter)

    “紀元前600年にボートでエルサレムからアメリカに来たって?”

  • You can't put a video of myself in front of me

    “そうです”

  • and expect me not to fix my hair.

    (笑)

  • Ok.

    リーハイとその子孫は

  • (Laughter)

    600年の間 子孫を増やして

  • So I sat them down and I got them glasses of water,

    ニーファイ人とレーマン人の2つの人種に大きく分かれた

  • and after niceties, they said,

    ニーファイ人は誰もが善良で

  • "Do you believe that God loves you with all his heart?"

    レーマン人は誰もが

  • And I thought, "Well, of course I believe in God,

    骨の髄まで邪悪だったそうな

  • but you know, I don't like that word 'heart,'

    (笑)

  • because it anthropomorphizes God,

    キリストは十字架にかけられた後

  • and I don't like the word, 'his,' either, because that sexualizes God."

    天国へ行く途中 アメリカに寄ってニーファイ人を訪ね

  • But I didn't want to argue semantics with these boys,

    (笑)

  • so after a very long, uncomfortable pause, I said,

    一人残らずニーファイ人が

  • "Yes, yes, I do. I feel very loved."

    善良でいるならば

  • And they looked at each other and smiled,

    悪のレーマン人との戦いに勝たせてあげようと言ったんだって

  • like that was the right answer.

    でも 誰かが これをぶち壊しちゃった

  • And then they said, "Do you believe

    レーマン人がニーファイ人を皆殺しにしたの

  • that we're all brothers and sisters on this planet?"

    でも 森に身を潜めて 生き延びた―

  • And I said, "Yes, I do."

    モルモンって男がいたのよ

  • And I was so relieved that it was a question I could answer so quickly.

    彼は事の全てを金版に神官文字で

  • And they said, "Well, then we have a story to tell you."

    彫り刻み ニューヨークのパルミラ近くに

  • And they told me this story all about this guy named Lehi,

    埋めたそうなの

  • who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BC.

    (笑)

  • Now, apparently in Jerusalem in 600 BC, everyone was completely bad and evil.

    私は身を乗り出しちゃった

  • Every single one of them: man, woman, child, infant, fetus.

    (笑)

  • And God came to Lehi and said to him,

    “レーマン人はどうなったの?”

  • "Put your family on a boat and I will lead you out of here."

    “彼らはアメリカでネイティブアメリカンとなりました”

  • And God did lead them.

    “邪悪な人たちの子孫がネイティブアメリカンだと

  • He led them to America.

    信じてるの?” “そうです”

  • I said, "America?

    そして ジョセフ・スミスという人が

  • (Laughter)

    裏庭から金版と魔法の石を掘り出し

  • From Jerusalem to America by boat in 600 BC?"

    それを帽子の中に入れて顔を埋めると

  • And they said, "Yes."

    神官文字から英語へと

  • (Laughter)

    翻訳できたっていうの

  • Then they told me how Lehi and his descendants

    この時点で その男の子たちの

  • reproduced and reproduced, and over the course of 600 years,

    売り込み方を指導したくなったわ

  • there were two great races of them, the Nephites and the Lamanites,

    (笑)

  • and the Nephites were totally good -- each and every one of them --

    “その話から切り出しちゃだめよ” ってね

  • and the Lamanites were totally bad and evil --

    サイエントロジーだって ジヌーや宇宙の邪悪な帝王の話の前に

  • every single one of them just bad to the bone.

    (拍手)

  • Then, after Jesus died on the cross for our sins,

    性格診断から始めるわよね

  • on his way up to heaven,

    2人は “義にかなう預言者を通じた―

  • he stopped by America and visited the Nephites.

    神との対話を信じますか” “いいえ”

  • (Laughter)

    レーマン人や金版の話に

  • And he told them that if they all remained totally, totally good --

    納得がいかなかったけど

  • each and every one of them --

    実はよく考えてなかったから 少し考え直して

  • they would win the war