I came downstairs to the kitchen, where my mother was washing the dishes

9月10日 私が７才になった誕生日の朝

and my father was reading the paper or something,

母は台所で食器洗いをして

and I sort of presented myself to them in the doorway, and they said,

父は新聞を読んでいたの

"Hey, happy birthday!" And I said, "I'm seven."

私の姿を見て 両親は“お誕生日おめでとう”

And my father smiled and said,

”７才になったよ” と私

"Well, you know what that means, don't you?"

父がニコッとして言ったの

And I said, "Yeah, that I'm going to have a party

“７才になる意味はわかってるね？”

and a cake and get a lot of presents?"

“ケーキを食べたりプレゼントを貰うってこと？”

And my dad said, "Well, yes.

“そうとも言えるけど もっと大事なのは

But more importantly,

７才は分別年齢に達したってことさ

being seven means that you've reached the age of reason,

神と人に対して罪を犯す可能性があるんだよ”

and you're now capable of committing any and all sins against God and man."

（笑）

(Laughter)

“分別年齢”って表現はその前から聞いたことはあった

Now, I had heard this phrase, "age of reason," before.

２年生のクラスで シスターが言ってたの

Sister Mary Kevin had been bandying it about

でもシスターが言ってたのは

my second-grade class at school.

初めての聖餐や懺悔の準備に関わる―

But when she said it,

興奮のように聞こえたのよ

the phrase seemed all caught up in the excitement of preparations

白いドレスを着てベールをつけることだって思ってた

for our first communion and our first confession,

“分別年齢”という表現は 深く考えたことがなかったから

and everybody knew that was really all about the white dress

“もう一度おしえて” と言ったの

and the white veil.

父が言うには “カトリック教会ではね

And anyway, I hadn't really paid all that much attention

小さな子どもは善悪の区別が出来ないと神はわかってるけど

to that phrase, "age of reason."

７才だと分別できるようになるんだ

So, I said, "Yeah, yeah, age of reason. What does that mean again?"

もう大きくなったから これからは

And my dad said, "Well, we believe, in the Catholic Church,

神様がお前の永久記録をつけ始めるのさ”

that God knows that little kids don't know the difference between right and wrong,

（笑）

but when you're seven, you're old enough to know better.

“そうなんだ　でも待って　今日までずっと良い子にしてたのに

So, you've grown up and reached the age of reason,

神様は気づいてくれなかったの？”

and now God will start keeping notes on you,

“いや 私は気づいてたよ” と母

and begin your permanent record."

（笑）

(Laughter)

私は思ったわ　“どうして

And I said, "Oh ...

今まで知らなかったのかしら？

Wait a minute.

良い子にしてた意味がないじゃない

You mean all that time, up till today,

こんなに大事な情報を 意味がなくなる日まで

all that time I was so good, God didn't notice it?"

知らなかったなんて最悪よ

And my mom said, "Well, I noticed it."

“じゃあ サンタさんは 良い子か

(Laughter)

悪い子かわかってるんでしょう？” と私

And I thought, "How could I not have known this before?

父は “感謝祭と

How could it not have sunk in when they'd been telling me?

クリスマスの間だけだと思うよ”

All that being good and no real credit for it.

母は “お父さん　教えちゃいましょうよ

And worst of all, how could I not have realized

この子は７才よ　サンタなんていないの”

this very important information

（笑）

until the very day that it was basically useless to me?"

実はね これにはあまり驚きはしなかった

So I said, "Well, Mom and Dad, what about Santa Claus?

出来過ぎた話だと思ってたの

I mean, Santa Claus knows if you're naughty or nice, right?"

普通の家ではクリスマスイブの夜に

And my dad said, "Yeah, but, honey,

サンタがプレゼントを届けて　翌朝一番に

I think that's technically just between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

プレゼントを開けるけど

And my mother said, "Oh, Bob, stop it. Let's just tell her. I mean, she's seven.

うちは両親が事前にサンタと相談してたから

Julie, there is no Santa Claus."

サンタが来る時間が遅いわけ

(Laughter)

来る時間は 大ミサが行われるクリスマスの朝９時

Now, this was actually not that upsetting to me.

でも良い子にしていないと来てくれない

My parents had this whole elaborate story about Santa Claus:

とっても怪しいと思ったわ

how they had talked to Santa Claus himself and agreed

両親がプレゼントを用意してるのは明らかだった

that instead of Santa delivering our presents

父の包装の仕方は独特だったし

over the night of Christmas Eve,

母とサンタの筆跡はそっくり

like he did for every other family who got to open their surprises

それに サンタが皆の家を回って

first thing Christmas morning,

わざわざ うちまで戻ってくるなんて変よね

our family would give Santa more time.

たくさんある証拠から導ける確かな結論は１つしかない

Santa would come to our house while we were at nine o'clock high mass

我が家はあまりに異色すぎて

on Christmas morning, but only if all of us kids did not make a fuss.

サンタさえ来ない

Which made me very suspicious.

両親は陽気なサンタに拒否された恥ずかしさから

It was pretty obvious that it was really our parents giving us the presents.

私たちを守ろうと頑張っていた

I mean, my dad had a very distinctive wrapping style,

でもサンタだって良い子にしかプレゼントをくれない

and my mother's handwriting was so close to Santa's.

だから サンタが架空だってことは ある意味 安心できたの

(Laughter)

あまりショックを受けず台所を後にしたんだけど

Plus, why would Santa save time by having to loop back

分別年齢を知らなかったことは

to our house after he'd gone to everybody else's?

本当に唖然としちゃったわ

There was only one obvious conclusion to reach from this mountain of evidence:

私には役に立たないけど この情報が使える―

our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit,

誰かに教えてあげられる

and my poor parents were trying to protect us from the embarrassment,

それには基準が２つ

this humiliation of rejection by Santa, who was jolly --

分別年齢の概念を

but let's face it, he was also very judgmental.

理解できて ７才未満であること

So to find out that there was no Santa Claus at all

弟のビルは６才だわ

was actually sort of a relief.

弟は近所にある学校の遊び場で

I left the kitchen not really in shock about Santa,

遊んでた　土曜日だったの

but rather, I was just dumbfounded

１人でボール蹴りして遊んでいた弟に

about how I could have missed this whole age of reason thing.

私は走り寄って言ったの

It was too late for me, but maybe I could help someone else,

“分別年齢は７才からだって 今わかったの

someone who could use the information.

７才になると罪を犯す可能性が出ちゃうのよ”

They had to fit two criteria:

”だから何？”　“７才まであと１年あるじゃない

they had to be old enough to be able to understand

それまで何をしても神様は気づかないのよ”

the whole concept of the age of reason, and not yet seven.

“それで？” と弟　“あんたバカね！”

The answer was clear: my brother Bill. He was six.

走って帰ろうと思ったけど 頭に来たから

Well, I finally found Bill

階段を上った所で 思わせぶりに振り返り

about a block away from our house at this public school playground.

“そういえばね サンタなんていないのよ”

It was a Saturday, and he was all by himself,

（笑）

just kicking a ball against the side of a wall.

その当時は知らなかったんだけど

I ran up to him and said, "Bill!

9月10日に７才になったわけじゃなかった

I just realized that the age of reason starts when you turn seven,

13歳の誕生日に お泊まり会を計画したの

and then you're capable of committing any and all sins

でも その数週間前に 母に呼ばれて言われたの

against God and man."

“話さなくちゃいけないことがあるの

And Bill said, "So?"

誕生日は9月10日ではなく10月10日なの”　“えっ？”

And I said, "So, you're six.

（笑）

You have a whole year to do anything you want to and God won't notice it."

“幼稚園に入るには9月15日以前に生まれた子どもって言うもんだから”

And he said, "So?"

（笑）

And I said, "So? So everything!"

“だから誕生日は9月10日だって言ったのよ

And I turned to run. I was so angry with him.

あなたが いろんなところで言いふらしたら困るから

But when I got to the top of the steps,

誕生日は9月10日だって言い始めたのよ

I turned around dramatically and said,

でもね あなたは準備万端だったのよ”

"Oh, by the way, Bill -- there is no Santa Claus."

私は４歳のとき

(Laughter)

既に４人兄弟の一番上で

Now, I didn't know it at the time,

母は５人目を妊娠中だったから

but I really wasn't turning seven on September 10th.

母が意味していたのは 彼女が準備万端だったのよ

For my 13th birthday,

それで母は言ったの

I planned a slumber party with all of my girlfriends,

“心配しないで　毎年10月10日の誕生日には

but a couple of weeks beforehand my mother took me aside and said,

気づかなかったでしょうけど

"I need to speak to you privately.

ケーキを食べさせてたのよ”

September 10th is not your birthday. It's October 10th."

（笑）

And I said, "What?"

嬉しいのか何なのか

(Laughter)

私がその場にいながら 母は私抜きで誕生日を祝ってたの

And she said ...

これを聞いて動揺したのは

(Laughter)

お泊まり会の日を

"Listen. The cut-off date to start kindergarten was September 15th."

変更することではなく

(Laughter)

実は乙女座じゃなかったってこと

"So I told them that your birthday was September 10th,

部屋に大きな乙女座のポスターを貼っていて

and then I wasn't sure

毎日星占いも読んでたの　しかも占いは大当たり

that you weren't just going to go blab it all over the place,

（笑）

so I started to tell you your birthday was September 10th.

私は天秤座だったってこと？

But, Julie, you were so ready to start school, honey. You were so ready."

だから 私は天秤座のポスターを買いに行ったの

I thought about it, and when I was four,

乙女座のポスターは長い髪の美女が

I was already the oldest of four children,

水辺で くつろいでいる絵だけど

and my mother even had another child to come,

天秤座は巨大な天秤だけ

so what I think she -- understandably -- really meant

当時 私は成長期で

was that she was so ready, she was so ready.

他の子よりも成長が早かったから

Then she said, "Don't worry, Julie.

正直 サインが天秤だなんて

Every year on October 10th,

不吉で憂鬱にしか感じなかった

when it was your birthday but you didn't realize it,

（笑）

I made sure that you ate a piece of cake that day."

でも新しいポスターを買って

(Laughter)

天秤座の星占いを読み始めたら

Which was comforting, but troubling.

あまりにも私にぴったりだったから驚いたわ

My mother had been celebrating my birthday with me, without me.

分別年齢や誕生日の話を

(Laughter)

思い出して ７才になったと思ったときに

What was so upsetting about this new piece of information

実はまだ６才だったと気づいたのは

was not that I had to change the date of my slumber party

しばらくしてからなの　神様が私の記録を

with all of my girlfriends.

つけ始めるまで 自由な時間が1か月もあったのよ

What was most upsetting was that this meant I was not a Virgo.

ああ　人生って残酷よね

I had a huge Virgo poster in my bedroom.

ある日 モルモン宣教師２人組が訪ねて来たの

And I read my horoscope every single day,

ロスの賑やかな場所に住んでいたから

and it was so totally me.

セールスや勧誘の人が 家々を

(Laughter)

回り始める場所だったの

And this meant that I was a Libra?

セブンスデー・アドベンチスト教会の婦人が

So, I took the bus downtown to get the new Libra poster.

天国の絵を持って来たり

The Virgo poster is a picture of a beautiful woman with long hair,

雑誌の購読契約をしてくれれば 僕はギャングになったり

sort of lounging by some water,

強奪はしないよと言う

but the Libra poster is just a huge scale.

10代の子が来ることもあった

This was around the time that I started filling out physically,

だから普段は居留守を使うんだけど この日は出たの

and I was filling out a lot more than a lot of the other girls,

糊がきいた白の半袖シャツを着た19歳位の

and frankly, the whole idea that my astrological sign was a scale

男の子が２人立っていて

just seemed ominous and depressing.

末日聖徒イエス・キリスト教会の代表者だと

(Laughter)

書いてある小さな名札をつけていた

But I got the new Libra poster,

その２人は 神からのお言葉を伝えに来たって言うの

and I started to read my new Libra horoscope,

“神様から私宛ての伝言？”　“そうです”

and I was astonished to find that it was also totally me.

私は末日聖徒教会の信者がたくさんいる―

(Laughter)

アメリカの太平洋沿岸で育ったから

It wasn't until years later, looking back

仕事も一緒にしたり デートだってしたことがある

on this whole age-of-reason, change-of-birthday thing,

でも 教義や 布教活動でどんなことを言うのか―

that it dawned on me:

無知だったから 好奇心が出ちゃって

I wasn't turning seven when I thought I turned seven.

“お入りください” と言ったら とても嬉しそうだった

I had a whole other month

家に上がるなんて稀だと思うの

to do anything I wanted to before God started keeping tabs on me.

（笑）

Oh, life can be so cruel.

彼らには座ってもらい 水を差しだしたの

One day, two Mormon missionaries came to my door.

水を差しだした部分からね

Now, I just live off a main thoroughfare in Los Angeles,

髪を触っちゃいけないのよね

and my block is -- well, it's a natural beginning

（笑）

for people who are peddling things door to door.

自分が映るビデオを目の前にして

Sometimes I get little old ladies from the Seventh Day Adventist Church

髪を触らないなんて無理よ

showing me these cartoon pictures of heaven.

（笑）

And sometimes I get teenagers who promise me

彼らには座ってもらい 水を差しだした

that they won't join a gang and just start robbing people,

軽い会話の後 “神が心から愛してくれていると信じますか？” って聞かれたの

if I only buy some magazine subscriptions from them.

私は心の中で “もちろん神様のことは信じているけど

So normally, I just ignore the doorbell, but on this day, I answered.

心っていう言葉が引っかかる

And there stood two boys, each about 19, in white, starched short-sleeved shirts,

神を擬人化しちゃうもの

and they had little name tags

それに神を ‘彼’として扱うのも好きじゃない”

that identified them as official representatives

でも語意で争いたくなかったから

of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

ぎこちなくて長い沈黙の後

and they said they had a message for me, from God.

“はい　深い愛を感じます”

I said, "A message for me? From God?" And they said, "Yes."

模範解答だったかのように

Now, I was raised in the Pacific Northwest,

彼らは顔を見合わせ にっこりした

around a lot of Church of Latter-day Saints people and, you know,

“人類みな兄弟だと信じますか？”

I've worked with them and even dated them,

“はい　信じます”

but I never really knew the doctrine,

即答できる質問でホッとしたわ

or what they said to people when they were out on a mission,

“聴かせたいお話があるんです”

and I guess I was sort of curious, so I said, "Well, please, come in."

彼らは紀元前600年にエルサレムにいたという―

And they looked really happy,

リーハイという男の話を始めたの

because I don't think this happens to them all that often.

その当時は男も女も

(Laughter)

子どもも 赤ん坊も 胎児も

And I sat them down, and I got them glasses of water --

みんな邪悪だったらしく

Ok, I got it, I got it.

リーハイは “ボートにみんなを乗せれば

I got them glasses of water.

ここから脱出させてあげよう” という啓示を受け

Don't touch my hair, that's the thing.

アメリカに移住したって言うの

(Laughter)

“紀元前600年にボートでエルサレムからアメリカに来たって？”

You can't put a video of myself in front of me

“そうです”

and expect me not to fix my hair.

（笑）

Ok.

リーハイとその子孫は

(Laughter)

600年の間 子孫を増やして

So I sat them down and I got them glasses of water,

ニーファイ人とレーマン人の2つの人種に大きく分かれた

and after niceties, they said,

ニーファイ人は誰もが善良で

"Do you believe that God loves you with all his heart?"

レーマン人は誰もが

And I thought, "Well, of course I believe in God,

骨の髄まで邪悪だったそうな

but you know, I don't like that word 'heart,'

（笑）

because it anthropomorphizes God,

キリストは十字架にかけられた後

and I don't like the word, 'his,' either, because that sexualizes God."

天国へ行く途中 アメリカに寄ってニーファイ人を訪ね

But I didn't want to argue semantics with these boys,

（笑）

so after a very long, uncomfortable pause, I said,

一人残らずニーファイ人が

"Yes, yes, I do. I feel very loved."

善良でいるならば

And they looked at each other and smiled,

悪のレーマン人との戦いに勝たせてあげようと言ったんだって

like that was the right answer.

でも 誰かが これをぶち壊しちゃった

And then they said, "Do you believe

レーマン人がニーファイ人を皆殺しにしたの

that we're all brothers and sisters on this planet?"

でも 森に身を潜めて 生き延びた―

And I said, "Yes, I do."

モルモンって男がいたのよ

And I was so relieved that it was a question I could answer so quickly.

彼は事の全てを金版に神官文字で

And they said, "Well, then we have a story to tell you."

彫り刻み ニューヨークのパルミラ近くに

And they told me this story all about this guy named Lehi,

埋めたそうなの

who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BC.

（笑）

Now, apparently in Jerusalem in 600 BC, everyone was completely bad and evil.

私は身を乗り出しちゃった

Every single one of them: man, woman, child, infant, fetus.

（笑）

And God came to Lehi and said to him,

“レーマン人はどうなったの？”

"Put your family on a boat and I will lead you out of here."

“彼らはアメリカでネイティブアメリカンとなりました”

And God did lead them.

“邪悪な人たちの子孫がネイティブアメリカンだと

He led them to America.

信じてるの？”　“そうです”

I said, "America?

そして ジョセフ・スミスという人が

(Laughter)

裏庭から金版と魔法の石を掘り出し

From Jerusalem to America by boat in 600 BC?"

それを帽子の中に入れて顔を埋めると

And they said, "Yes."

神官文字から英語へと

(Laughter)

翻訳できたっていうの

Then they told me how Lehi and his descendants

この時点で その男の子たちの

reproduced and reproduced, and over the course of 600 years,

売り込み方を指導したくなったわ

there were two great races of them, the Nephites and the Lamanites,

（笑）

and the Nephites were totally good -- each and every one of them --

“その話から切り出しちゃだめよ” ってね

and the Lamanites were totally bad and evil --

サイエントロジーだって ジヌーや宇宙の邪悪な帝王の話の前に

every single one of them just bad to the bone.

（拍手）

Then, after Jesus died on the cross for our sins,

性格診断から始めるわよね

on his way up to heaven,

２人は “義にかなう預言者を通じた―

he stopped by America and visited the Nephites.

神との対話を信じますか”　“いいえ”

(Laughter)

レーマン人や金版の話に

And he told them that if they all remained totally, totally good --

納得がいかなかったけど

each and every one of them --

実はよく考えてなかったから 少し考え直して

they would win the war