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  • [KNOCK AT DOOR]

  • Hey, I know you.

  • You live across the street.

  • Oh, yeah? What's my name?

  • Uh... I don't know.

  • Right, so let's just keep this

  • on a professional level.

  • Okay.

  • I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam.

  • How many cartons should I put you down for?

  • Will my money go to a good cause?

  • Well, what do you consider a good cause?

  • Feeding the poor?

  • Our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe.

  • It's in New York.

  • I know where it is.

  • Aren't both of your parents

  • successful attorneys?

  • [SIGHING]

  • Is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way?

  • Your family is rich.

  • Why should I PAY FOR YOUR VACATION?

  • [WHIMPERING]

  • My troop leader said

  • people are nice if you give them a chance.

  • She said I would learn from this experience.

  • [BAWLING]

  • No, no. It's okay. Don't cry.

  • [BAWLING CONTINUES]

  • It's so unfair.

  • First, your generation pollutes the world

  • and plunders its natural resources.

  • Now, this.

  • Okay, okay, just calm down; I'll buy a box.

  • [WHIMPERING]

  • That'll be $80.

  • Eighty dollars? For cookies?

  • Okay, take my money.

  • Go visit the Fashion Cafe.

  • Maybe I'll buy a pony too.

  • Shouldn't you write down my name or something?

  • I don't like to leave a paper trail.

  • BOTH: Thank you.

  • You're welcome.

  • What?

  • You buckled under the pressure... wuss.

  • I helped a little girl learn

  • a valuable lesson about life.

  • I think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime.

  • No, I taught her by my example

  • that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor.

  • It feels good to give.

  • Agh! That's ridiculous.

  • I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give.

  • You are on, my cynical friend.

  • Okay. To settle the question

  • give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good.

  • That wouldn't FEEL GOOD.

  • Okay, then give me $20 because you lost the bet.

  • Did I just make a bet that would cost me $20

  • whether I won or not?

  • Yes, but you also got to help

  • someone more fortunate than yourself.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • [BUZZING]

  • This year, I have volunteered to chair

  • the Associated Way charity drive for our county.

  • I think you all know why.

  • Is it because you need another plaque

  • to cover a fly stain on your office wall?

  • Yes, that, and something about poor people.

  • I expect they'll send me some details in the mail.

  • [SHOUTING] It's like you're a saint or something!

  • No, Loud Howard, I'm no saint.

  • I just believe that people should do their fair share

  • or in the case where one of those people is the boss

  • other people should do it for him.

  • This is even more inspirational than last year.

  • Now, in keeping with tradition

  • three charity coordinators will be chosen

  • from the list of our most useless employees.

  • [CLEARS THROAT]

  • Wally.

  • Hey, top of the list four years in a row.

  • Whoo-whoo.

  • A dead guy we found

  • in the stairwell,

  • and the chair he's sitting in

  • which we've named Ronald.

  • Mmm. Tough competition.

  • Congratulations. You will each be assigned

  • an official Associated Way uniform

  • and a donation container.

  • Cool.

  • Chicks dig a man in uniform.

  • Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful

  • stylish "I Get to Keep my Job" t-shirts.

  • Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary.

  • Any questions?

  • [ALL SHOUTING] Yeah, what about the carnival?

  • The carnival.

  • Please, please!

  • Yes, yes, all right, youngsters.

  • Settle down.

  • We'll have the company charity carnival, okay?

  • [ALL CHEERING]

  • I hate that carnival.

  • All the money raised at the carnival

  • is spent paying for the carnival

  • and it's based on the premise

  • of cheap thrills and cheating--

  • Hardly charitable concepts.

  • How dare you!

  • How dare you

  • denigrate the carnival!

  • Shh! Shh!

  • Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival?

  • I'm a god, and I rarely admit that.

  • No, it's just that, uh...

  • Well, okay.

  • Exactly where does the money go?

  • Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about.

  • And, of course, the plaques don't grow on trees.

  • Isn't the plaque made of wood?

  • So?

  • Then it does grow on a tree.

  • Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer?

  • He's an arrogant bastard?

  • Now listen, punk.

  • If you think you can reinvent the wheel--

  • The Ferris wheel, that is-- then go right ahead...

  • Carnival chairman Dilbert.

  • Ha-harr!

  • What just happened?

  • So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for?

  • Here's 20 bucks.

  • Now leave me alone until next year.

  • Ooh, $20. I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you.

  • You don't even know where the money goes.

  • I don't know where pudding comes from, but I eat it.

  • That is such a bad analogy.

  • Thank you, Wally.

  • Now I can never eat pudding again.

  • Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories.

  • No matter what people say, Alice, looks ARE important.

  • Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society?

  • Yes. I signed up for payroll deduction.

  • I like to give.

  • I'm morally superior to Dilbert.

  • That is so illogical.

  • As long as there are starving people in the world

  • you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral.

  • There is ample precedent for my behavior.

  • It is completely societally appropriate

  • to give only as much as one can afford.

  • You just bought six pairs of shoes

  • that look exactly the same.

  • That came out of my shoe budget.

  • Don't rock the boat, Dilbert.

  • It's a fragile system.

  • That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year.

  • What's so moral about letting people starve to death

  • so that you can have extra shoes?

  • Stop it. You're ruining everything.

  • I mean, until you give it all AWAY

  • you're not more moral.

  • You just feel less guilty.

  • I don't agree. The concept of morality

  • is contingent upon the cultural context.

  • I mean, the relative value of guilt

  • in a so-called free society... I mean...

  • Altruistic inclinations are dependent upon...

  • I mean...

  • Damn. You're right.

  • I hate that.

  • Hey, can you spare a few dollars

  • for the Disabled Veterans of Retail Security?

  • You don't look disabled to me.

  • I've got prickly heat.

  • Ed's just kind of slow.

  • Which one of us is Ed?

  • You're on my turf, fellas.

  • Don't start with me!

  • You wouldn't be the first guy

  • in a monkey costume that I've had to kill.

  • Can you settle this outside?

  • I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion.

  • There's no such thing as perpetual motion.

  • Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday...

  • [ALL ARGUING]

  • ALICE: Who should I make that out to?

  • To the Society of Guys With Large Bellies

  • Who Don't Have Satellite Dishes Yet.

  • This will nearly triple our odds

  • of seeing naked people who can't see us.

  • [BOTH LAUGHING]

  • I don't know if I mentioned

  • that the cable viewer's guide-- that's extra.

  • BOY: Morning, gov'nor.

  • Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar?

  • Only five dollars.

  • How do I know my money won't be squandered

  • in administrative expenses and never reach the...?

  • What was the cause again?

  • We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy.

  • Canine apathy?

  • By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall

  • round glasses and a tail?

  • DOGBERT: Okay, urchins,

  • bring the money to the van.

  • You seem a little short.

  • No, sir. No, I would never...

  • Do I have to run a full body-cavity search on you?

  • Good. And put more dirt on your face.

  • Dogbert.

  • I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet.

  • [LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING]

  • Uh-oh.

  • Chain reaction.

  • [LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING]

  • At least I'll get a few minutes of peace.

  • Howdy there. [SCREAMS]

  • My name is Foster

  • from the organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows.

  • Why don't they just change jobs?

  • How's a cow going to change jobs, city boy?

  • Use your head.

  • Go away. Leave me alone.

  • [GASPS]

  • Would you donate money

  • to Women Who Cut Their Hair Too Short

  • and Don't Realize How Bad It Looks?

  • Money for Mountain Goats with Three Legs?

  • Hey! You're hiding your leg. I can see it.

  • Hey, mind your own business, buddy.

  • I'm not a man.

  • I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress.

  • Did I miss anything?

  • Okay, here, here.

  • This is all I have.

  • Everyone just leave me alone.

  • Oh, Dilbert.

  • I'd like you to pick up my plaque

  • at the Associated Way banquet tomorrow night.

  • Tell them how grateful I am.

  • Do you think this could have waited until later?

  • Don't mind me.

  • I'll just wait.

  • [WHISTLING]

  • There I was in the NBA--

  • All-star forward multi-millionaire.

  • Life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol.

  • Actually, that part was pretty good too.

  • I love DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.

  • But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune.

  • That's when the Associated Way helped me out.

  • I got sober; I started my own business.

  • Now I've got a beautiful wife

  • great kids, a mistress

  • a whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts

  • and a Learjet, and best of all

  • I haven't paid any taxes in years.

  • [CHEERING]

  • Thank you.

  • I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life.

  • And now, to accept the appreciation award

  • on behalf of our county coordinator

  • is one of his flunkies: