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  • In this episode of SCIENTIFIC TRUTH JOURNAL

  • we'll explore the theory of evolution

  • and we'll implicitly mock

  • the people who hold opposing viewpoints.

  • Hmm. Evolution-- What a crock.

  • Can we change it, please?

  • Evolution is a scientific fact, unless you're ignorant.

  • If it's a fact, why is it called a theory?

  • There are scientific reasons.

  • It's all very complicated.

  • Give me one good argument for evolution.

  • First of all, the only alternative is unthinkable.

  • It's raining toads.

  • Maybe I should say the only alternative is unproven.

  • Is that your whole argument?

  • No. There... there's extensive fossil records.

  • ...extensive fossil records

  • including this definitive find on the African subcontinent.

  • [GASPS]

  • It's a skull fragment

  • of our earliest ancestors.

  • I have found the missing link!

  • Look! The rest of the skull.

  • Oops.

  • I'll grant you that some of the evidence

  • is inconclusive, but when you put it all together...

  • Thanks to advanced computer graphics...

  • and clay...

  • we have recreated the missing link.

  • Now, this would be a good time

  • for you to renounce

  • your irrational belief in evolution

  • and change the channel.

  • I'd like to hear your THEORY.

  • My theory is that all the species that ever existed

  • are still around.

  • They're just hiding.

  • That's ridiculous.

  • Hey, guys.

  • BOTH: Hi, Bob.

  • Oh, finally.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Who moved my pencil sharpener?

  • Oh, no.

  • Those are not my shavings.

  • Who adjusted my monitor?

  • Who fondled my mouse?!

  • Who had the unmitigated gall

  • To soil my mouse with their grubby paws?!

  • [GRUNTING]

  • Hey, shut up in here.

  • Some of us are trying to work.

  • Hypothetically.

  • My cubicle's been defiled.

  • Someone's been in here.

  • Did they take anything?

  • I don't think so, but... ah!

  • Is that a yes?

  • Someone's been accessing the internet with my computer.

  • I'm no psychologist,

  • but I think Dilbert is suffering

  • from manic-depressive episodes

  • coupled with an acute delusional paranoia.

  • If you're not a psychologist,

  • then how can you say that?

  • I'm entitled to my opinion.

  • Wally? Yes?

  • Were you using my cubicle?

  • I barely use my own cubicle.

  • Alice?

  • Please. Your cubicle is a hotbed for cooties.

  • You can get fired for using the internet for personal stuff.

  • You're in big trouble.

  • How many personal web sites have you accessed?

  • I haven't accessed any!

  • So YOU say.

  • Ew! I touched your mouse.

  • Ew! Ew! What the hell am I thinking?

  • Look at those web sites on the history log.

  • I've never heard of any of them.

  • "Elf Hooters.

  • "Naked Troll Booty.

  • Little People, Huge--" Ow!

  • What was I thinking?

  • Someone's into hard-core leprechaun porn, big time.

  • Dilbert! You disgust me.

  • It wasn't me.

  • [MAN HUMMING]

  • Boss alert.

  • Am I interrupting anything important?

  • We've never done anything important.

  • Well, before you do, I need the three of you

  • to attend a meeting with the vendor who sells us

  • the Dullie dry erase markers for the white boards.

  • Why? Just because they asked for a meeting?

  • Right. I said I'd go and I realized

  • I'd have to have some technical support.

  • Technical support?

  • For marker pens?

  • Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice?

  • [SARCASTICALLY] No.

  • I didn't think so.

  • You don't know where these conversations can end up.

  • You start with dry erase markers

  • next thing you know

  • You're talking about... Oh, I don't know.

  • Something very technical?

  • Exactly. See? Wally knows.

  • I know it's a meeting with outside vendors.

  • And that means free food, and quality

  • not those stale chips and the black guacamole.

  • What color is guacamole supposed to be?

  • All right, all right, what time?

  • Check with your secretary.

  • I don't have a secretary.

  • Oh, too bad.

  • They're really quite great.

  • [HUMMING ]

  • Hey, here's a strange coincidence.

  • Another web site that's been surfed.

  • The Dullie dry erase marker web site.

  • Someone around here is into a weird scene.

  • Says the woman who collects unicorn art.

  • [COMPUTER DINGS]

  • E-mail.

  • Busted.

  • Someone's going down.

  • Someone's going to take the fall.

  • Someone's going to...

  • Wally, shut up.

  • You'll be okay if you just stick

  • with the story you told us.

  • It's not a story.

  • Hey, that's good.

  • That look of indignation really sells it.

  • Do you have an appointment?

  • You called me.

  • Excuse me? I said...

  • Answer my question.

  • I did. I did.

  • I see.

  • Still want to play games? Me?

  • Yes, you. What do you want with me?

  • Sign the papers.

  • I can't see them.

  • Oh, poor you.

  • It's just a simple confession.

  • Standard procedure in the human resources department.

  • "Using the internet for personal business.

  • "Pilfering dry erase markers.

  • Kidnapping the Lindbergh baby"?

  • "Shooting Larry Flynt"?

  • Wait a minute.

  • I'm not signing this.

  • Oh, yes, you are.

  • I make a fortune at autograph shows.

  • Hey, wait a minute.

  • I didn't do any of these things.

  • You should have thought of that

  • before I forged your confession.

  • Thanks for playing.

  • Now, go away.

  • CATBERT: Attention! Attention!

  • Dilbert has signed the confession.

  • You may treat him like a pariah.

  • That is all.

  • Also, outside vendor meeting in conference room.

  • Come on, Dilbert.

  • We know a short cut to the meeting.

  • Where are we? In the Jeffries Tube?

  • It's the air conditioning duct.

  • Oh. That's a disappointment.

  • We're close to the conference room.

  • I smell free lunch meat.

  • [SNIFFING]

  • And if I'm not mistaken, cantaloupe.

  • Why would someone leave a dry erase marker here?

  • Maybe it's empty.

  • That answer is, like, so stupid.

  • WALLY: Never mind that. We're here.

  • Food, glorious...

  • [ALL SCREAMING]

  • ALICE: Oh, my lord.

  • DILBERT: Picked clean.

  • This can't be happening.

  • We're the only ones who knew the shortcut.

  • Wally, pull yourself together.

  • Put the feedbag on, boys!

  • [GASPING]

  • The food!

  • It's gone!

  • All the food!

  • It's gone!

  • It's all gone!

  • Gone!

  • The food!

  • It's all gone!

  • [CRYING] Why?

  • Why couldn't you share?

  • It wasn't me. Ask Dilbert.

  • Wally didn't eat anything.

  • I can vouch for him.

  • Then maybe it was Dilbert.

  • Tell him, Wally.

  • Tell him what happened.

  • I wasn't with him the whole time.

  • Wally!

  • You wouldn't want me to lie, would you?

  • He's a pig! He ate our food!

  • String him up!

  • Hang Dilbert! Get a rope!

  • Back down! None of us ate it.

  • It was like this when we got here.

  • How do we know it wasn't you, ALICE?

  • CROWD: Yeah! Yeah!

  • I can prove it!

  • Look here...

  • Any more questions?

  • Sixty-seven, 68...

  • Okay, you see, yesterday I had 273 staples in here

  • Today, 272.

  • Did you staple anything?

  • Oh... yeah.

  • But I'm definitely missing 26 millimeters of scotch tape

  • and someone used my ruler.

  • How can you tell?

  • Is it shorter or something?

  • Look at the edge.

  • That's graphite from a regular pencil.

  • I only use mechanical pencils with the ruler.

  • Doesn't leave a mark.

  • Here's your mail, Dilbert.

  • Troll T & A...

  • Pygmies in Panties...

  • And Hot Homunculi.

  • Great! Now I'm on a mailing list.

  • Hello, Thumbelina.

  • That's disgusting! I could sue you both

  • for making this a hostile workplace.

  • Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.

  • He was senseless before I beat him.

  • We've got to solve this thing.

  • Let's start by making a list

  • Of all the missing items on the board.

  • Oh, there are a lot of advantages to tiny women.

  • Give me those.

  • Now, hand me a dry erase marker, please.

  • I don't see any.

  • Well, it's right over...

  • Hey, where'd it go?

  • Don't have a panic attack. I'll get you one.

  • Wait-- mine are all gone too.

  • WALLY: Same here.

  • This is very odd.

  • I wonder if the literature says anything about this phenomenon.

  • That's it?

  • There's only one left?

  • Got it.

  • Hey... hey!

  • DILBERT: What's going on?

  • [SCREAMING]