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  • Step one: reconnaissance.

  • First you need to identify your target.

  • How about her?

  • No, she's not planning on taking anything

  • home with her tonight.

  • What about that hottie down there?

  • Nope.

  • Not buying.

  • There.

  • How about this guy?

  • Maybe.

  • But he looks like the type of guy that would lowball me.

  • Service manager, line three.

  • Service manager, line three.

  • There.

  • She's the one.

  • I bet I'll have her sold in less than five minutes.

  • Come on.

  • Not only that,

  • I'm gonna sell her the flame car.

  • No way.

  • Watch this.

  • Yes, Mrs. Kennedy, I realize it's the only one

  • in the city, and that is why I'm holding it for you.

  • You are going to single-handedly

  • make it stylish for women to drive cars

  • with flames on them.

  • Exactly, more chic than women smoking cigars.

  • I promise you I will not sell it to anyone else.

  • You're very welcome.

  • I'll see you in half an hour.

  • All right.

  • Excuse me.

  • Can you tell me about this car here?

  • Wow.

  • You got her digits, too, didn't you?

  • Mm-hmm.

  • I don't know how you do it.

  • Hate to admit it, man, but it's my dad.

  • That's why he owns the place.

  • Hey, your dad's got about a dozen more

  • flame cars in the back.

  • You care which color I bring out next to the showroom?

  • Your call.

  • Good to see you, Mrs. Cranston.

  • David, I missed you.

  • I missed you, too.

  • David.

  • I'm surprised you remember how to find the place.

  • Where is he?

  • He's in the game room.

  • He's expecting you.

  • You two haven't spoken in how long?

  • And you think I'm just gonna let you show up

  • and surprise him?

  • I hear you're gonna drag my husband out again tonight.

  • Yup, just gonna play a little poker

  • at the dealership with the boys.

  • That's on his list of approved activities, isn't it?

  • Don't even try and play me

  • like you play your little bimbos, okay?

  • Rob already caved.

  • I know all about your plans.

  • I don't know what you're talking about.

  • Huh.

  • I'm sure you're gonna find quality ladies at...

  • What's the name of that club Rob told me?

  • I think it was Imagine.

  • Image.

  • And we're going to a nicer club this time.

  • Why?

  • To find nicer bimbos?

  • Okay.

  • He's married, David.

  • Stop dragging him to these things.

  • Hey, hey, I've been trying to get a hold of you, David.

  • I think he had a mild stroke about an hour ago.

  • What, what?

  • Oh, my... oh, my God.

  • Oh, Grandpa!

  • Oh, Grandpa.

  • Grandpa.

  • Hey, Grandpa, can your hear me, are you all right?

  • Oh, my God, I can't believe this.

  • I'm so sorry, Grandpa.

  • You were like a father to me.

  • I love you so much.

  • Da... vid...

  • Da... David, yeah.

  • Grandpa, it's me, it's David.

  • I...

  • I...

  • got...

  • you.

  • I got you, yes.

  • Of course you've got me, Grandpa.

  • I'm right here.

  • I got you!

  • You sick son of a bitch.

  • I can't believe you did that.

  • I can't believe you fell for that.

  • You think they'd just leave me sitting out here

  • after I just had a stroke?

  • All right, this was a bad idea.

  • No, no, no, don't go.

  • I'm sorry, it was a bad joke.

  • I'm sorry.

  • But I gotta say,

  • it was nice having the old David back for a moment

  • and hearing such nice things.

  • There's no old David.

  • Okay, it's just me.

  • Well, how have you been?

  • Fine... you?

  • Oh, my dentures don't fit

  • and I'm growing a bunion.

  • But I ain't got hemorrhoids.

  • So I guess I can't complain.

  • It's these others who are sick.

  • It's depressing.

  • I hope I don't look like that when I'm their age.

  • You're 84, you are their age.

  • They're in their 90s.

  • Hell, that guy over there I think's 150.

  • He knows too much about the Civil War.

  • You still in that crappy job of yours,

  • selling cars with your dad?

  • Play some chess like the old days?

  • Do you know what today is?

  • She was my wife, David.

  • Of course I know.

  • It's been two years, Grandpa.

  • Carrie tells me that you don't talk to anyone.

  • You sit around sad all day.

  • You can't go on like this.

  • I'm lost without her.

  • Sometimes it's hard to get through the day.

  • I can't take it anymore.

  • You know, last week, I almost tried to end it.

  • - Off myself. - That's not funny.

  • Don't you wanna know how?

  • Straight razor.

  • I figured, well, if I'm gonna go,

  • it's got to be dramatic.

  • A big, bloody mess.

  • All right, enough, Grandpa, okay.

  • This has gone on far too long.

  • It's time that you started

  • socializing with women.

  • Oh, no, I'm too old.

  • Grandma told me you promised her.

  • Yeah.

  • Yeah, I did.

  • And I never broke a promise to that sweet woman.

  • And I tried, but I just couldn't.

  • Well, I promised her something, too.

  • That I would help you keep your promise

  • to her if you couldn't.

  • Well, I'm gonna help you.

  • You're gonna help me?

  • Who's gonna help you?

  • No offense, David, but you never were

  • a real Rudolph Valentino with the women.

  • Actually, Grandpa, you might find this hard to believe,

  • but over the past few years,

  • I've become quite the chick magnet.

  • Yeah, that is hard for me to believe.

  • What are you doing tonight?

  • Oh, I got big plans tonight.

  • "60 Minutes" is doing an Andy Rooney retrospective.

  • Well, you can record it.

  • Because, like it or not, we're going out.

  • - We are? - Yup.

  • If you wanna win the game with women,

  • you first have to learn

  • how to play the game.

  • I'm gonna teach you every trick I've got.

  • Swell.

  • Where are we going?

  • Well, if you wanna meet women...

  • you go where the women meet.

  • Yo, Sergio.

  • I need two drafts and a glass of hot water with lemon.

  • So... I saw your wife at the home today.

  • Lovely as usual.

  • Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • You went with the poker story, right?

  • Yeah, and she told me you caved already.

  • What?

  • Please say you didn't tell her.

  • You know how she hates when I go rolling

  • for honeys with you!

  • She told me you caved already!

  • Oh, what?

  • You idiot, I didn't cave.

  • You caved!

  • Oh, she... she totally played you.

  • Damn it.

  • Damn it.

  • There you go.

  • All right.

  • What are you expecting, a flood?

  • Come on.

  • There you go.

  • Okay.

  • You okay there?

  • Hemorrhoids.

  • No, I don't have hemorrhoids.

  • I'm avoiding them.

  • Ahh!

  • Did you know the average person experiences

  • over three "G"s of pressure

  • in their butt as they sit down?

  • Uh, no, no, I didn't know that.

  • Yeah, the slower you sit, the less "G"s.

  • The way I do it, it's like I'm sitting on the moon.

  • That's fascinating, Mr. Ward.

  • You're full of interesting factoids.

  • The Discovery Channel never lets me down.

  • And not only that...

  • Whoa!

  • I was an apprentice to Harry Houdini back in the day.

  • It's...

  • It's true, David.

  • I was in the tank with him

  • at the Shelton for his last show.

  • He taught me everything he knew.

  • The secret to the milk-can escape...

  • Are you ready to get to work, Grandpa?

  • Oh, yes, sir.

  • - Ready and waiting. - Okay, good.

  • Step one...

  • Step one: reconnaissance.

  • First you need to identify your target.

  • I go for a nice-looking, intelligent girl

  • who I think can keep up with me intellectually.

  • What about her?

  • Nice, but she's drinking red wine,

  • and I like this shirt way too much.

  • Ultimately, I give up on the nice girl

  • and go for the hot chick.

  • What? Metamucil?

  • Oh, forgive me.

  • Where are my manners?

  • Oh, that's...

  • Oh, no, no, no... Okay. Cool.

  • Oh. There.

  • All right, now, step two:

  • the approach.

  • You have to meet her, or, more accurately,

  • you have her meet you.

  • Planned spontaneity, Grandpa.

  • That's the name of the game.

  • You gotta have her thinking that she discovered you.

  • If she knows you're pursuing her, it's all over.

  • - Excuse me. - Oh!

  • Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

  • That jerk-face.</