字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント Step one: reconnaissance. First you need to identify your target. How about her? No, she's not planning on taking anything home with her tonight. What about that hottie down there? Nope. Not buying. There. How about this guy? Maybe. But he looks like the type of guy that would lowball me. Service manager, line three. Service manager, line three. There. She's the one. I bet I'll have her sold in less than five minutes. Come on. Not only that, I'm gonna sell her the flame car. No way. Watch this. Yes, Mrs. Kennedy, I realize it's the only one in the city, and that is why I'm holding it for you. You are going to single-handedly make it stylish for women to drive cars with flames on them. Exactly, more chic than women smoking cigars. I promise you I will not sell it to anyone else. You're very welcome. I'll see you in half an hour. All right. Excuse me. Can you tell me about this car here? Wow. You got her digits, too, didn't you? Mm-hmm. I don't know how you do it. Hate to admit it, man, but it's my dad. That's why he owns the place. Hey, your dad's got about a dozen more flame cars in the back. You care which color I bring out next to the showroom? Your call. Good to see you, Mrs. Cranston. David, I missed you. I missed you, too. David. I'm surprised you remember how to find the place. Where is he? He's in the game room. He's expecting you. You two haven't spoken in how long? And you think I'm just gonna let you show up and surprise him? I hear you're gonna drag my husband out again tonight. Yup, just gonna play a little poker at the dealership with the boys. That's on his list of approved activities, isn't it? Don't even try and play me like you play your little bimbos, okay? Rob already caved. I know all about your plans. I don't know what you're talking about. Huh. I'm sure you're gonna find quality ladies at... What's the name of that club Rob told me? I think it was Imagine. Image. And we're going to a nicer club this time. Why? To find nicer bimbos? Okay. He's married, David. Stop dragging him to these things. Hey, hey, I've been trying to get a hold of you, David. I think he had a mild stroke about an hour ago. What, what? Oh, my... oh, my God. Oh, Grandpa! Oh, Grandpa. Grandpa. Hey, Grandpa, can your hear me, are you all right? Oh, my God, I can't believe this. I'm so sorry, Grandpa. You were like a father to me. I love you so much. Da... vid... Da... David, yeah. Grandpa, it's me, it's David. I... I... got... you. I got you, yes. Of course you've got me, Grandpa. I'm right here. I got you! You sick son of a bitch. I can't believe you did that. I can't believe you fell for that. You think they'd just leave me sitting out here after I just had a stroke? All right, this was a bad idea. No, no, no, don't go. I'm sorry, it was a bad joke. I'm sorry. But I gotta say, it was nice having the old David back for a moment and hearing such nice things. There's no old David. Okay, it's just me. Well, how have you been? Fine... you? Oh, my dentures don't fit and I'm growing a bunion. But I ain't got hemorrhoids. So I guess I can't complain. It's these others who are sick. It's depressing. I hope I don't look like that when I'm their age. You're 84, you are their age. They're in their 90s. Hell, that guy over there I think's 150. He knows too much about the Civil War. You still in that crappy job of yours, selling cars with your dad? Play some chess like the old days? Do you know what today is? She was my wife, David. Of course I know. It's been two years, Grandpa. Carrie tells me that you don't talk to anyone. You sit around sad all day. You can't go on like this. I'm lost without her. Sometimes it's hard to get through the day. I can't take it anymore. You know, last week, I almost tried to end it. - Off myself. - That's not funny. Don't you wanna know how? Straight razor. I figured, well, if I'm gonna go, it's got to be dramatic. A big, bloody mess. All right, enough, Grandpa, okay. This has gone on far too long. It's time that you started socializing with women. Oh, no, I'm too old. Grandma told me you promised her. Yeah. Yeah, I did. And I never broke a promise to that sweet woman. And I tried, but I just couldn't. Well, I promised her something, too. That I would help you keep your promise to her if you couldn't. Well, I'm gonna help you. You're gonna help me? Who's gonna help you? No offense, David, but you never were a real Rudolph Valentino with the women. Actually, Grandpa, you might find this hard to believe, but over the past few years, I've become quite the chick magnet. Yeah, that is hard for me to believe. What are you doing tonight? Oh, I got big plans tonight. "60 Minutes" is doing an Andy Rooney retrospective. Well, you can record it. Because, like it or not, we're going out. - We are? - Yup. If you wanna win the game with women, you first have to learn how to play the game. I'm gonna teach you every trick I've got. Swell. Where are we going? Well, if you wanna meet women... you go where the women meet. Yo, Sergio. I need two drafts and a glass of hot water with lemon. So... I saw your wife at the home today. Lovely as usual. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went with the poker story, right? Yeah, and she told me you caved already. What? Please say you didn't tell her. You know how she hates when I go rolling for honeys with you! She told me you caved already! Oh, what? You idiot, I didn't cave. You caved! Oh, she... she totally played you. Damn it. Damn it. There you go. All right. What are you expecting, a flood? Come on. There you go. Okay. You okay there? Hemorrhoids. No, I don't have hemorrhoids. I'm avoiding them. Ahh! Did you know the average person experiences over three "G"s of pressure in their butt as they sit down? Uh, no, no, I didn't know that. Yeah, the slower you sit, the less "G"s. The way I do it, it's like I'm sitting on the moon. That's fascinating, Mr. Ward. You're full of interesting factoids. The Discovery Channel never lets me down. And not only that... Whoa! I was an apprentice to Harry Houdini back in the day. It's... It's true, David. I was in the tank with him at the Shelton for his last show. He taught me everything he knew. The secret to the milk-can escape... Are you ready to get to work, Grandpa? Oh, yes, sir. - Ready and waiting. - Okay, good. Step one... Step one: reconnaissance. First you need to identify your target. I go for a nice-looking, intelligent girl who I think can keep up with me intellectually. What about her? Nice, but she's drinking red wine, and I like this shirt way too much. Ultimately, I give up on the nice girl and go for the hot chick. What? Metamucil? Oh, forgive me. Where are my manners? Oh, that's... Oh, no, no, no... Okay. Cool. Oh. There. All right, now, step two: the approach. You have to meet her, or, more accurately, you have her meet you. Planned spontaneity, Grandpa. That's the name of the game. You gotta have her thinking that she discovered you. If she knows you're pursuing her, it's all over. - Excuse me. - Oh! Oh, my God, I am so sorry. That jerk-face.