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  • - I made fun of them for--women weren't allowed to drive

  • to drive in Saudi Arabia, and I was going in on it.

  • I'm like, "Well, maybe you should let the women drive,

  • 'cause you guys drive like shit," you know,

  • "And that"--so I was like, "Oh, my God.

  • "This is payback. I'm gonna lose my head,

  • and they're gonna blame fucking ISIS or some shit," right?

  • [dark electronic music]

  • - Oh! Ahh!

  • Ugh! Oh! Ahh!

  • Augh!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Super stoked to get this guy.

  • Everybody fucking loves him.

  • One of the biggest comics in the world, to be honest.

  • Please give it up for Mr. Russell Peters, everybody.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - I've been doing stand-up for 27 years,

  • so when you're doing it this long and you start

  • to progress, things in your life change.

  • Like, my situation changed from being this broke brown kid

  • in Canada to a doing-okay kid in L.A. now, right?

  • Or old-ass man, but whatever.

  • And I get to go around the world.

  • That's the beauty of what I do for a living

  • is I get to go around the world, and I go to places

  • that the American media tells you not to go to

  • because they want you to be scared

  • and keep your moustache like that.

  • [laughter]

  • So recently I was in the Middle East.

  • I can't say which country because I signed an NDA, but...

  • [laughter]

  • But I was there. I did a show in this place in the Middle East.

  • Well, I can say this.

  • I was in Saudi Arabia, and-- and it was very different.

  • I'd never been to Saudi Arabia before,

  • because I was always scared to go to Saudi Arabia.

  • Everybody was like, "Saudi Arabia."

  • I'm like, "Fuck you."

  • And that's based on watching the news in America, and I'm like,

  • "Well, you better not go to Saudi Arabia

  • "or they'll tie you to two different camels

  • and they'll make them run away," you know what I mean?

  • That's all you ever hear about Saudi Arabia is that torture

  • and beheadings and they'll kill you

  • and watch what you say.

  • That's all true.

  • [laughter]

  • But--but you don't see it.

  • In the Middle East, it's very quiet.

  • It's like, "No, don't tell anyone what we do.

  • Just..."

  • so anyway, I do the show there, great--had a great time.

  • There's 10,000 princes is Saudi Arabia,

  • so there's a lot of fucking royalty just running around

  • Saudi Arabia.

  • So I do a show.

  • I'm tripped out because when I get onstage,

  • the audience is segregated.

  • Not--not like this.

  • Not like hipsters on one side and, you know, like--

  • but it's, like, it's women on one side and men on the other.

  • And--because they're not allowed to be together.

  • And I was like, "Why can't the women be together

  • with the men?"

  • And this is the honest answer I got.

  • I thought it was fucking hilarious.

  • I go, "Hey, why can't the women and the men be together?"

  • "'Cause they'll go crazy, want to fuck everybody."

  • I'm like-- [laughs]

  • You're--it's not the men that are gonna go crazy,

  • just so you're aware of this.

  • These women are lunatics apparently,

  • and they're just gonna fuck everybody, right?

  • So I go, "All right. Good plan."

  • Right?

  • And so we do the show,

  • and then one of the other princes

  • who was a little more higher up, I guess,

  • in the prince hierarchy, hears about the show

  • and tells the other prince-- I guess,

  • who's his cousin--and he goes,

  • "I want a private show with Russell."

  • And then he comes to me at the--they have this little

  • after-party for me, and you would think, like--

  • you're like, "All right."

  • You know, 'cause it's Saudi Arabia,

  • you're gonna be like, "There's mad bitches.

  • They got the doors closed."

  • Fucking two chicks in the whole room,

  • and they're, like, sisters of somebody in there, right?

  • You're like, "Ah, come on, guy."

  • And then there's guys-- guys are dancing with guys.

  • It's not--it's weird.

  • It's not, like-- but it's not like here.

  • You know, 'cause over--here in America, we've lost the idea

  • of what dancing is, you know?

  • White people have won the dancing war.

  • I mean, let's be honest.

  • Like, when you go to, like, an EDM thing,

  • everybody's just jumping up and down,

  • and nobody's dancing anymore.

  • That means white people won.

  • [laughter]

  • And it's either that or you're just fucking

  • ass fucking everybody all night, know what I mean?

  • [laughter]

  • So when I say the guys are dancing on each other,

  • they're not like, "Hey, bro, do it."

  • You know, like, they're just--

  • I'm not exaggerating.

  • There was a dude doing a dance--

  • [laughs]

  • It looked like a camel.

  • That's what--that's what his dance--his dance was this.

  • [laughter]

  • He was fucking--I was like, "Is that how you pick up chicks

  • over here?"

  • "One hump or two?" You know?

  • And then-- [laughter]

  • So anyway the other prince calls this prince and he's like,

  • "Private show tomorrow," and then my brother,

  • who's my manager, is like, "All right, well,

  • "let me talk to him,

  • and then we can sort the details out."

  • And I go--I go, "I'm scared about this, 'cause we're already

  • here, and, you know, we already don't know enough about these

  • people, but..." and then he comes over, and he talks to

  • him, and he's like, "Oh, shit. That's a lot of money."

  • [laughter]

  • So I go, "Uh, yeah, we'll do that show, right?"

  • And then my brother goes, "Okay, well, we're gonna need lights.

  • "We're gonna need the cameraman. We're gonna need the DJs.

  • We're gonna need the opening act."

  • And he's like, "No. Just Russell."

  • And I'm like, "Oh, fuck. All right."

  • And he goes, "Has to be private event."

  • And I go, "All right.

  • Well, can you give me any information?"

  • "No information."

  • I'm like, "Well, how many people?"

  • He goes, "It's a very small party for the prince."

  • And I'm like, "Okay."

  • And I'm thinking small, all right?

  • Private thing.

  • Maybe 50 to 100 people, right?

  • I've done worse.

  • 27 years of stand-up, I've done shows

  • where there's two people in the audience.

  • I literally put the mic down and just sat with them.

  • I was like, "All right, listen.

  • "It's--it's fucking stupid for me to try and--

  • uh, what do you do?"

  • You know, so...

  • so...

  • So I go, "How many people?"

  • And they go, "Maybe 10 to 12."

  • I'm like, "Oh, come on, guy," right?

  • "This is ridiculous."

  • And then my brother goes, "Doo-doo-doo," and I go,

  • "That's a lot of money. Yeah, you're right.

  • Let's--let's do it."

  • So I go to the palace the next day, right?

  • And I get there, and they put us in, like, a waiting room,

  • and then this guy comes in, he goes, "Mr. Peters, please."

  • And my brother and I--'cause, you know, obviously he's got

  • the same last name--we both get up, and he goes, "No, no.

  • You stay. Just him."

  • And--and I'm thinking, "Great, I'm gonna get beheaded

  • or some shit," right?

  • 'Cause I talked mad shit the night before, right?

  • I mad fun of them for--women weren't allowed to drive

  • in Saudi--it's illegal for women to drive in Saudi Arabia,

  • and I was going in on it.

  • I'm like, "Well, maybe you should let the women drive,

  • 'cause you guys drive like shit," you know,

  • "And that"--so I was like, "Oh, my God.

  • "This is payback. I'm gonna lose my head,

  • and they're gonna blame fucking ISIS or some shit," right?

  • So--so I go into this room, and it's a little-ass room

  • with a 110-inch TV, and I walk in,

  • and I figure 'cause the TV-- say this is the TV behind me--

  • I walk in the room and I'm like, "All right, I guess

  • "I'll just stand in front of this TV and do my little jokes

  • for these 11 people that are here."

  • And I walk in, and then the prince is sitting in the middle

  • of the room, and he gets up, and he goes,

  • "Hey, thanks for coming."

  • He doesn't sound like how you're thinking.

  • He's not like, "Please, please, entertain my friends," you know.

  • He's like, "Hey, thanks for coming," and I'm like,

  • "What the fuck is happening right now?"

  • [laughter]

  • Like, Ashton Kutcher's gonna come out.

  • Ha-ha! You've been punked!

  • You know. And then--

  • so he goes--he goes, "Sit down. Russell, please sit down."

  • So I sit down, and I just start making fun

  • of everybody in the room.

  • Literally, like, I'm like, "You, bam, you, bam,"

  • and then--and then the prince is, like, feeding my lines.

  • "That guy owns camels."

  • And I'm like--and I'm like, "You, fucking camel guy," and...

  • "How's it going?" And then--

  • I don't know if that's the greeting or the dance, right?

  • So...

  • you know, the prince, I'm making fun of him.

  • I start making fun of the prince.

  • I got a little fucking carried away.

  • And I knew when I was getting carried away 'cause everybody

  • went, "Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm."

  • [laughter]

  • "Mm-mm. Everybody else, no problem, but him? Mm-mm."

  • And there's--then the prince says to me--there's a guy

  • sitting beside me, and he goes, "Hey, Russell, that guy has one

  • of the only brown diamonds in the world."

  • And I go, "What the fuck is a brown diamond?"

  • He goes, "Show him, show him."

  • The guy takes off his ring and he's got this little

  • tiny-ass brown diamond on a ring, right?

  • And I go, "Oh, cool," and I go to put it on my hand,

  • and it wouldn't go past my pinkie nail.

  • And I'm like, how small are your hands?

  • [laughter]

  • And I look at the prince and I go,

  • "This guy's got child-like hands."

  • And the prince starts laughing, and then as a joke,

  • I grab the guy's wrist, right?

  • And I have friends that are magicians, and they taught me

  • how to take a watch off somebody's wrist, so I grab his

  • wrist, and I unlock his watch, and I pull it off, and I go,

  • "How small are your wrists?"

  • And then I go, "Oh, wow. Nice watch."

  • I go, "What is that, a Richard Mille?"

  • He goes, "No, it's Hublot."

  • And I go, "Oh, nice.

  • I go, "Here."

  • He goes, "Oh, keep it."

  • And I'm like, "Okay, buddy," so I put--I put the watch on,

  • and I'm doing--I start talking again, and about ten minutes

  • later, I go, "Hey, man, here's your watch."

  • He goes, "No, no. I give to you."

  • And I'm like, "What the fuck?"

  • [laughter]

  • So I start getting comfortable, right?

  • 'Cause now I feel like I've done my job.

  • Everybody's laughed in this room, and then the prince goes,

  • "Come on, let's eat."

  • And I go, "All right, let's eat."

  • So we go to this other room to eat, and I'm sitting there,

  • and I go, "Hey, man, where's the guy that gave me the watch?"

  • He goes, "Oh, he left."

  • And I go, "But I've got his watch."

  • And he goes, "He gave it to you."

  • And I go, "All right."

  • And he goes, "That's how it is in Saudi Arabia.