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  • But let's get to the big news.

  • One week from today

  • the presidential election will be over,

  • and that day cannot come soon enough,

  • because not only is it ruining the country,

  • it's ruining my Fridays.

  • Every Friday afternoon-- you think I'm joking--

  • but every Friday afternoon,

  • some new huge breaking story rocks the political world.

  • The pussy grab tape, Friday afternoon.

  • The DNC hack, Friday afternoon.

  • Hillary's secret speech transcripts, Friday afternoon.

  • TGIF used to mean Thank God it's Friday,

  • now it stands for "This Government is (bleep).

  • (laughter and applause)

  • And...

  • And last Friday afternoon, last Friday afternoon, like usual,

  • we got another bombshell.

  • TV REPORTER: The FBI's Clinton bombshell.

  • TV REPORTER: A blockbuster double-barreled

  • October surprise from FBI Director James Comey.

  • He is investigating Hillary Clinton and her server again.

  • He says this in connection with an unrelated case,

  • the FBI has learned of the existence of e-mails

  • that appear pertinent to the investigation.

  • Oh, you thought the email scandal was over?

  • Well, it turns out, Comey don't play dat!

  • (laughter)

  • And-and look at how the scandal has effected everything.

  • Before last week, Hillary had this election in the bag.

  • Trump had been outed as a pervert

  • who tries to conceal the size of his tiny hands

  • -by hiding them inside vaginas. -(laughter)

  • Hillary wasn't just winning, I mean,

  • she was measuring the drapes in the Oval Office,

  • and making sure she had a pantsuit to match.

  • -But now... -(laughter)

  • But now since Comey's completely ambiguous revelation,

  • Hillary's lead has been cut in half,

  • and it turns out the only thing worse than this discovery

  • was how it was discovered.

  • TV REPORTER: Those emails found on a laptop

  • belonging to Anthony Weiner,

  • the husband of Clinton's long-time aid Huma Abedin,

  • currently under investigation

  • for sexting with a purportedly underaged girl.

  • Anthony Weiner?!

  • Are you kidding me?

  • Hillary Clinton, 30 years of public service,

  • and her whole life is going to be taken down

  • by this guy's dick pics?

  • You know what this feels like?

  • You know what this feels like in a way?

  • It feels like this is the penis, the penis itself

  • trying one last time to stop the vagina

  • from getting into the White House.

  • Like, it seems like Anthony Weiner's penis

  • is sacrificing itself for all the other penises out there

  • just diving in front of the election like,

  • "Nooooo!

  • (cheers and applause)

  • And, by the way, by the way, if you don't know Anthony Weiner,

  • this is not the first time his dick

  • has blown up in everyone's face.

  • TV REPORTER: It came from Congressman's Anthony Weiner's

  • Twitter account over the weekend,

  • a photo of an anonymous man's bulging underwear.

  • Is that a photograph of you?

  • We're trying to find out the s...

  • where that photograph came from.

  • Congressman Anthony Weiner

  • resigns amid intense pressure over his sexting scandal.

  • REPORTER: Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner

  • wants another shot at political life.

  • REPORTER 2: Former congressman Anthony Weiner

  • enters the New York City mayor's race.

  • Anthony Weiner caught in a sexting scandal yet again.

  • REPORTER 3: Weiner has now plummeted

  • to fourth place in the polls.

  • REPORTER 4: Weiner lost by a very wide margin.

  • REPORTER 5: Weiner was caught sexting yet again.

  • REPORTER 6: Perhaps worst of all, Weiner allegedly

  • sent out a picture of the couple's son,

  • climbed into bed with him while he was sexting.

  • God damn.

  • It's like this guy is trying to see

  • how many times he can end his career.

  • He's gonna go to medical school next.

  • They'll be like, "Congratulations, Dr. Weiner,

  • here's your diploma." And he'll be like,

  • "Uh, here's your dick pic, I'm out."

  • And if you don't know much about Anthony Weiner,

  • all you need to know is, uh,

  • he's a guy who's known for sexting total strangers.

  • He once pretended his name was Carlos Danger,

  • which is the only name that sounds more fake

  • than Tony Weiner,

  • and he texted a woman named Sydney Leathers

  • that he promised to bang her so hard

  • that her tits would hit her in the face. Yes.

  • Uh, once again, a politician making empty promises.

  • This (bleep) is so crazy

  • and at the same time the story is so Shakespearean...

  • You know, think about it.

  • Hillary survives Bill's sex scandal,

  • but now gets a scandal from her top aide's husband

  • and it was Bill who married them.

  • Not to mention that Trump

  • got his sex scandal from Billy Bush,

  • whose uncle was defeated by Hillary's husband

  • before Trump later defeated his cousin Jeb!

  • There are only, like,

  • 15 characters in the entire story.

  • Now, because Weiner's sexting has potentially exposed

  • new Hillary e-mails, the investigation

  • is facing a-a time crunch.

  • And fortunately, the FBI has a plan.

  • REPORTER: FBI forensic experts have developed a program

  • with key search terms, and the process

  • of sifting through the records

  • on Anthony Weiner's computer has begun.

  • You know, I-I feel so bad for those FBI agents.

  • Think about it-- you went through the grueling training,

  • you dreamed of taking down mob bosses and serial killers.

  • And now, you're basically living the life

  • of a harassed woman on Tinder.

  • Dick pic. Dick pic.

  • Dick pic. Dick pic. Oh, wait, there's a fa...

  • Nope, that's an upside down dick.

  • Dick pic. Dick pic.

  • You know what would make the story even crazier?

  • Is if Donald Trump predicted this over a year ago.

  • Trump was one of the people sounding the alarm

  • about Anthony Weiner's proximity

  • to sensitive information early on.

  • Huma, now, is one of the people

  • that it all sort of came through Huma.

  • Who is Huma married to?

  • (crowd clamors)

  • One of the great sleazebags of our time--

  • Anthony Weiner.

  • You know, the little bing, bing, bing, bong, bong.

  • So, Huma is getting

  • classified secrets.

  • Do you think there's even a five percent chance

  • that she's not telling Anthony Weiner,

  • now of a public relations firm,

  • what the hell is coming across?

  • Where was Trump-- in a revival tent?

  • The way he's talking about that story--

  • "Any of this..." It's like he's casting out demons.

  • "And then I said to the demon...

  • "I said to the demon, 'Get out, demon!'

  • "Bing, bing, bong, bong.

  • "Uh, bing, bing, bong, bong, get out, demon!

  • "I cast you out now, demon!

  • Get out!"

  • He sounded like a madman. That was a year ago.

  • But when Trump was shouting, "Bing, bing, bong, bong,"

  • he was actually making sense. Even though he looks and talks

  • like Beaker from The Muppets.

  • Bing, bing, bing, bong, bong.

  • (babbles)

  • Yeah, Trump-Trump is the-the one on the left.

  • The one on the right... the one on the right

  • is more qualified to be president.

  • Now, can you imagine... can you imagine

  • what the Founding Fathers would think of this election?

  • Have you ever thought about that?

  • Because they don't have dick pic scandals, you know?

  • I mean, partly because back then you had to employ an artist

  • to do an oil painting of your member.

  • But... I'll tell you this. I know a lot of people

  • are thrown by this Anthony Weiner scandal.

  • And there's one thing we should learn from all of this is

  • Anthony Weiner-- he needs to start

  • using his dick pics for good.

  • No, seriously. He's-he's so talented

  • at getting attention paid to his penis.

  • Think about it-- this scandal was gone

  • and his penis has brought the e-mails back.

  • He needs to harness that power

  • to raise awareness for important issues.

  • He should put a polar bear on a melted arctic ice cap

  • in the background. Yeah. And then people would be like,

  • "Did you see what happened with that?

  • We've got to investigate climate change."

But let's get to the big news.

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The Daily Show - The FBI (Once Again) Examines Hillary Clinton's Emails

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    g2   に公開 2016 年 11 月 03 日
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