Placeholder Image

字幕表 動画を再生する

  • TRUMP IMPERSONATOR: Hi, America, it's me,

  • President the Donald.

  • The last four years have been tremendous.

  • Some of the best years ever.

  • Our health, our trade, the borders.

  • I've done a great job. Everyone says so.

  • So, this election day,

  • vote for me-- or else.

  • In my fantastic second term...

  • (grunts) All right. Stay there, stay there.

  • It's on. Oh, it's on, it's on, it's on.

  • Yes!

  • Oh, yes, it's on. It's on.

  • Oh... Okay, okay, uh,

  • uh, where's the other one? Oh...

  • (grunting)

  • Hello? No, no.

  • There.

  • There we go.

  • Oh, yeah. Look at that.

  • My good side.

  • Oh, we're back.

  • Oh. Oh, yes, it works.

  • Hey, it's me, Trevor Noah.

  • I've come out of hiding to broadcast one more episode

  • of The Daily Show. I know I'm taking a risk.

  • I'm risking my life and yours by broadcasting the show.

  • But with the election just days away,

  • it's a risk worth taking, people.

  • You know, it's like getting a chance with Beyoncé

  • when you don't have any condoms.

  • You got to do it. So what if she has something?

  • She probably does and p... You got to do it.

  • People, we cannot let Donald Trump become president again.

  • In fact, I don't even understand

  • how we let that happen the first time.

  • Things were looking good for Hillary,

  • I mean, other than the-the Clinton foundation stuff

  • and, you know, secret speeches and her husband's past.

  • But other than that, things were going well.

  • Then the e-mails, man.

  • The (bleep) e-mails.

  • The (bleep) e-mails just. Oh, man.

  • The e-mails a week-a week before the election.

  • Why is this thing not going? There. There we are.

  • A week before the election,

  • we got sidetracked by those e-mails.

  • And then it turned out there was nothing new.

  • It was just 650,000 of Anthony Weiner's dick pics.

  • Yeah, it's no wonder that President Trump

  • changed the Washington Monument

  • into the Weiner Monument.

  • Huh? Look at that-- one dick got another dick elected.

  • And it's only gotten worse.

  • And from what I can tell, the only news out there now...

  • is TNN.

  • Coming up after the break,

  • we'll be back with more completely true news.

  • ANNOUNCER: This is TNN.

  • ♪ ♪

  • What the (bleep) is this?

  • The Trumpaganda Force used the new libel laws

  • to shut down legit news sources. It was so sad.

  • Seeing CNN pack up...

  • all their stuff.

  • Yeah, turns out the Malaysian plane

  • was in their supply closet all along.

  • (giggles) Aah!

  • But at least most people in the media

  • got to stay in the country.

  • I will never forget the day they took John Oliver away.

  • ...which is all fine, until you realize

  • that egg safety standards actually vary so widely

  • from state to state that there is a...

  • No, no, no, no, no.

  • No, no, no, guys, guys, guys, g...

  • Please, just give me the decency...

  • Let me-let me finish the bit.

  • Let-Let me complete the egg bit, guys.

  • Now? It has to be now?

  • No, the... no, the point is unless Congress takes action,

  • your brunch could not only become

  • even more of a teeming sea of bacteria, but...

  • No, no, no! Not the graphic. Not the graphic!

  • I'm gonna miss you, grown-up Harry Potter face.

  • You know, they would have taken me away as well.

  • The only reason I escaped is because

  • I had the perfect disguise-- I snuck into Steve Harvey's house,

  • stole his mustache from his face. The police

  • couldn't tell the difference between us.

  • And, again, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Harvey.

  • But I'll never be sorry for those nights we shared.

  • Survey says...

  • true love.

  • (phone vibrates)

  • What?

  • Oh, man. Oh.

  • Roy?

  • Roy, is that you?

  • Hey, Africa, I got your black signal.

  • What's going on?

  • Oh, my God. Roy! It's so good to see you, man.

  • It's-It's been years.

  • Look, everyone, it's R... it's Roy Wood Jr.

  • What are you doing?

  • I'm-I'm making the show.

  • Making the show?

  • Yeah, I-I snuck back into the studio.

  • Are you getting paid for this?

  • What?

  • Are you cutting me out?

  • -No, no, Roy. -Don't cut me out.

  • No, Roy, listen, where are you?

  • I'm in the inner city.

  • Yeah, which-which inner city, Roy?

  • It doesn't matter. Black people live here, so,

  • according to Trump, it's the inner city.

  • Oh, man, that's... that's pretty messed up.

  • How bad is it for you out there?

  • Actually, it's not that bad.

  • There's no crime, nobody getting shot.

  • Hell, they got rid of the police, now.

  • -Wait, seriously? -Yeah, they got rid of 'em.

  • They made black people wear automated stop-and-frisk arms.

  • Hell, you don't even have to stop anymore.

  • It's just arms pop out every 90 seconds and pat you down.

  • -It's more convenient for everybody. -(whirring)

  • Oh, there it goes.

  • Let it do its thing, man.

  • ROBOTIC VOICE: What do we have here?

  • Oh, come on. That's the 20th time today

  • you tried to bust me for my antacids, man. Get out.

  • ROBOTIC VOICE: Stop resisting, bitch.

  • (sighs) It's not an efficient system.

  • -I got to go, man. -ROBOTIC VOICE: Shots fired.

  • -Shots fired. -I got to call my lawyer.

  • No, Roy, Roy, Roy!

  • Stay safe, Roy.

  • We can't live like this, people.

  • You understand that this may be the last election

  • where we can change things. I mean,

  • all the people we thought would run against Trump,

  • look at what's happened to them.

  • Just a week until Election Day 2020

  • and still no one has come forward

  • to run against the great President Trump.

  • Hillary Clinton, of course, is serving out her sentence

  • in Super Guantanamo,

  • along with former vice president Mike Pence.

  • Meanwhile, Ted Cruz continues to teach

  • inner city kindergarteners, saying,

  • "Politics just got too dirty for me."

  • Joe Biden snuck aboard the Elon Musk rocket ship

  • that took the Obamas to Mars.

  • Yeah.

  • President Obama escaped with his family to Mars.

  • Right now, Michelle is teaching little fat aliens

  • to get in shape.

  • Bill Clinton didn't go with them,

  • 'cause he decided to go to Venus,

  • because that's where women come from.

  • Because that's-that's a joke-- Men are from M...

  • Man, I miss having an audience.

  • But, look, even if... even if the candidate you like

  • isn't in this election, it doesn't mean you shouldn't vote.

  • Hell, vote for anyone.

  • You-you can even vote for...

  • you can even vote for the Woman of the Woods,

  • Elizabeth Warren.

  • Yeah, I know her policies might raise taxes,

  • but at least she has a plan.

  • We can't survive four more years of Trump, people.

  • This is the same guy who repealed Obamacare on day one.

  • And then he said he would replace it

  • with something much better. Remember that? Yeah.

  • And then it turned out to be... turned out to be this.

  • Huh? An energy drink. This is...

  • this is what he replaced it with, huh?

  • Something much better. Literally, that's what it was.

  • The guy is a complete moron. Change the thing.

  • He dropped a bomb on Iceland! He dropped a bomb on Iceland

  • because he insisted that ISIS comes from Iceland.

  • Huh? In a few short years,

  • Trump has turned against Europe, alienated Asia.

  • He told Africa to go back to Africa.

  • He sued South America for copyright infringement.

  • And he's banned from Antarctica after sexually assaulting

  • a penguin. I didn't even know

  • that you could grab a penguin's pussy.

  • How do you grab a penguin's pussy?!

  • Not only did Trump get kicked out of the U.N.,

  • America is in such decline right now,

  • even white people aren't having a good time.

  • Here, look at this BBC report

  • that got smuggled into the country.

  • ♪ ♪

  • NARRATOR: Four years into the Trump regime,

  • construction is still underway on the wall.

  • Although Trump promised a grand structure,

  • so far it stands at just four feet tall.

  • Still, workers on the scene remain optimistic.

  • Things are going great.

  • Uh, the wall's coming along. Mexico's paying for it.

  • Well, President Trump sent them an invoice. So, same thing.

  • And there's finally someone in the White House

  • who understands the concerns of white men like me.

  • Despite Trump's promise of a great America,

  • not everything has turned out as hoped,

  • as even his staunchest supporters are aware.

  • I guess if I had to nitpick anything,

  • it would be the total economic collapse.

  • I didn't realize that white men would be subject

  • to that sort of thing. And someone could've mentioned

  • that deporting the immigrants meant we'd have

  • to build the wall ourselves. (chuckles)

  • Now, with the 2020 presidential election quickly approaching,

  • the discontent has reached a fever pitch.

  • Oh, yeah, things definitely need to change.

  • That's why I'm voting for Trump.

  • He's not a politician. He tells it like it is.

  • He'll make America great again.

  • Again.

  • ♪ ♪

  • Poor Jordan, man.

  • I hope he's doing well.

  • -(stomach grumbling) -Ah, damn.

  • I'm so hungry all the time. (hisses)

  • Good thing I have some of this money.

  • Mmm.

  • You know, the dollar might be worthless,

  • but it tastes so good. Mmm.

  • Tastes like a strip club. (chuckles)

  • -I sometimes w... -Hey, Trevor!

  • Ronny? Ronny, is that you?

  • Hey, what's up, Trev?

  • Thank God. You got the signal.

  • -Where are you, man? -Oh, yeah,

  • I've-I've been in China.

  • As soon as Trump won, I got on a plane and got out of here.

  • I'm not dumb.

  • What, you stayed in America this whole time?

  • Yeah, I did.

  • (laughing) You idiot.

  • Oh, man, things are great in China.

  • We're all super rich thanks to Trump's dumb-ass trade policies.

  • You know, that trade deal? The-the...?

  • Yeah, the Much Better Than NAFTA So Much Winning Act of 2017.

  • -That one? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one, yeah.

  • That was great for China.

  • So what are you doing back in the U.S. then, Ronny?

  • Oh, yeah, I'm here

  • at Trump's White House Hotel and Casino representing China.

  • America went double bankrupt,

  • so I'm here again for America's annual yard sale.