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  • Welcome to The Daily Show. Thank you so much, everyone.

  • I'm Trevor Noah and we are live, live, live, live, live.

  • That's right, there's mo room for nistakes. Damn it.

  • All right, my guest tonight, from Rolling Stone magazine,

  • Matt Taibbi's joining us. But first,

  • let's get right to it, people. The third and final

  • presidential debate of 2016 just ended in Las Vegas,

  • and I got say all the prostitutes in Vegas

  • must have really enjoyed the evening, because, for once,

  • they got to watch other people screw Americans.

  • And it was appropriate for the debate to be in Las Vegas,

  • since this was America's night to let loose.

  • Let loose before she settles down and makes a commitment

  • to one person. This was like a bachelorette party,

  • except the giant novelty dildo was on stage behind a podium.

  • And... and that was actually the biggest difference

  • from the last debate, when the candidates

  • could wander around and creep up on each other, right?

  • But Hillary wasn't taking any chances tonight.

  • And, uh, she had a barbed wire fence installed

  • just in case. She even got Mexico to pay for it.

  • Kudos, Hillary. Now, if you thought... if you thought

  • it would be hard to top the craziness of the last debate,

  • you know, when Trump brought all of Bill Clinton's accusers

  • as his guests, well, you were wrong.

  • Because tonight Hillary brought Mark Cuban as her guest,

  • which, in my opinion, was a poor choice,

  • considering Trump has shown he has no problem

  • dealing with Cubans at debates.

  • Uh, good thing, though, Clinton also brought

  • all the women who have accused Trump. Yeah.

  • And those are just the ones that lined up early, folks.

  • Trump, on-on his side, he did bring a special guest tonight,

  • as you may know, and we'll get to that a little bit later.

  • Uh, but that definitely wasn't his first choice,

  • as we discovered in these newly leaked voice mails.

  • (beep)

  • (man impersonating Trump)

  • It just doesn't work. It didn't work out for him.

  • And-and when those people didn't work out for Donald Trump,

  • he decided to take a slightly different route.

  • REPORTER: Donald Trump has invited the half brother

  • of President Obama. Now, Malik Obama

  • is a Donald Trump supporter. He's from Kenya but he's also

  • a U.S. citizen and he says he believes Donald Trump

  • can make America great again.

  • Steve Bannon, the manager for Donald Trump's campaign,

  • or advisor-- he's now saying

  • that Barack Obama's half brother, uh, Malik Obama,

  • who is coming to the debate as a guest of the Trump campaign,

  • is just an appetizer.

  • What the father are you doing, Donald Trump?

  • I don't understand-- he brings Obama's half brother

  • to throw off Hillary? Why?

  • And then they're like, "This is just the appetizer."

  • That's the appetizer for the wrong table,

  • that's what that is.

  • What, do you think, like, Hillary's looking out,

  • going, "Oh, no, it's Obama's half brother."

  • What is that? That doesn't make any sense.

  • That is so strange.

  • Malik Obama's not what I'd call an appetizer.

  • Bad appetizer, went to the wrong table. No one's interested.

  • I'm sorry, I ordered the, uh, mozzarella sticks

  • and I got Malik. I wasn't thinking of this.

  • Although... although it did get a little crazy.

  • I don't know if you guys saw this in the debates.

  • When Malik Obama rushed the stage. Yeah, he rushed...

  • God damn, it was... Uh, it was crazy.

  • And then, out of nowhere, President Obama came out

  • and he was like, "Uh, Malik, uh, don't do this.

  • Uh, this is between me and you."

  • And then Malik was like, "This ends here, Barack."

  • And then the lightsabers came out and then...

  • We all know how it ended, so I'll just move on, I'll move on.

  • So, say what you want about Trump, he knows

  • how to orchestrate a spectacle. That's all I'm saying. Uh...

  • And you know, you know, uh, ri-right... Sorry.

  • You know right-right before... Sorry. Uh...

  • You know right... Wow, uh, this is embarrassing.

  • We're live. Um, sorry, I'm just...

  • I'm a little distracted. I... I-I just noticed that someone

  • brought my half brother to the show tonight.

  • Is-is that you?

  • You blew it again, Trevor.

  • No wonder everyone in the village

  • started calling you Ebola.

  • What? They-they call me Ebola? Why?

  • Because you were terrible in Africa

  • and you'll never catch on in America.

  • What an asshole.

  • I'd hate him if he weren't so handsome.

  • But anyway, back to the debate.

  • I get why Trump had to pull out a stunt--

  • he needed a win tonight, right? And it didn't help

  • that he had Billy Bush hiding in his podium all night,

  • pressuring him on what to do.

  • Billy Bush was in the podium, like,

  • "Donald, I know one way to end this debate."

  • Donald was like, "Quiet, Billy."

  • "Come on, I've got Tic Tacs."

  • "Not now.

  • Okay, maybe one, maybe one, just in case."

  • It was an awkward evening. And from the very beginning,

  • we saw that Hillary still has no regard

  • for law enforcement in America.

  • This time, defying not the FBI,

  • but the fashion police

  • by wearing all white after Labor Day.

  • Lock her up! Lock her up!

  • In a closet and let her choose another outfit.

  • She looked fly. I'm messing with her.

  • But this debate followed a pretty normal cycle

  • for Trump/Clinton debates, you know?

  • When the debate started, Trump was calm,

  • stuck to his positions pretty well.

  • He even found some new ways of expressing himself.

  • One of my first acts will be to get all of the drug lords,

  • all of the bad ones-- we have some bad, bad people

  • in this country that have to go out. (sniffs)

  • We're gonna get them out. We're going to secure the border.

  • And once the border is secured, at a later date,

  • we'll make a determination as to the rest.

  • But we have some bad hombres here,

  • and we're gonna get 'em out.

  • There are so many things funny in that clip.

  • The last is one of my favorite. "Bad hombres."

  • Look at you, Donald Trump, huh, huh?

  • Connecting with the Hispanic community there.

  • "They're bad hombres. You see what I did there?

  • I learned something, folks. Bad homb..."

  • I feel like... It's like... Are there Mexican people at home

  • going, "You know, I know Trump thinks we're all criminals

  • "and rapists, but he said 'hombres.' Yeah.

  • Maybe we're not so different after all, man"?

  • And also when Trump was like, "You know,

  • there's bad drug deal... We're gonna get rid of the bad..."

  • (sniffs, grunt) "...drug dealers.

  • The bad ones."

  • Now...

  • now, the one downside, the one downside

  • of subdued Donald for Hillary

  • was that Chris Wallace got to ask more questions.

  • And once again, when pressed about the substance

  • of her leaked e-mails, Hillary defaulted to shifty mode.

  • You are, uh, very clearly, uh, quoting from WikiLeaks,

  • and what's really important about WikiLeaks

  • is that the Russian government

  • has engaged in espionage against Americans.

  • They have hacked American, uh, Web sites,

  • American accounts of private people, of institutions.

  • Then they have given that information to WikiLeaks.

  • Yes, you're right, Hillary.

  • Russia hacked your e-mails and gave your stuff to WikiLeaks,

  • but now that the information's out there,

  • you can't just expect us to ignore it by bringing up Russia.

  • You can't do that. No one else gets away with that.

  • "Yeah, honey, uh, but how did you find out

  • "I have stripper glitter on my shirt, huh?

  • Was it Putin? Huh?!"

  • Yes, Hillary brought Russia into the conversation.

  • And if we've learned anything from international relations,

  • once Russia gets involved in a conflict,

  • things go from bad to worse.

  • -Look, Putin, from everything I see, -Wait, wait...

  • has no respect for this person.

  • Well, that's because he'd rather have a puppet as president

  • -of the United States. -No puppet. No puppet.

  • -And it's pretty clear... -You're the puppet.

  • -it's pretty clear you won't admit -No, you're the puppet.

  • that the Russians have engaged in cyber-attacks

  • against the United States of America.

  • "No, you're the puppet. You're the puppet."

  • To be fair, Trump thinks all women are puppets.

  • That's why he's always trying to stick his hand up them.

  • -Uh, honestly though, honestly, -(laughter, applause)

  • I kind of got a glimpse into Trump's mind tonight,

  • because Donald Trump really, really doesn't get

  • why he's losing this election.

  • The end of last week, they came out with an anemic jobs report.

  • A terrible jobs report. In fact, I said,

  • "Is that the last jobs report before the election?

  • Because if it is, I should win easily." It was so bad.

  • "Then I said pussy things on the bus,

  • and everything went downhill."

  • (chuckling)

  • (grunts, chuckling)

  • This is the problem with Donald Trump.

  • When he gets this angry and passionate,

  • he lets Hillary destroy him.

  • And she destroyed him so hard with a calm answer

  • that really spoke to Americans.

  • At the last debate, we heard Donald talking

  • about what he, uh, did to women.

  • And after that, a number of women have come forward

  • saying that's exactly what he did to them.

  • Now, what was his response?

  • Well, he held a number of big rallies where he said

  • that he could not possibly have done,

  • uh, those things to those women

  • because they were not attractive enough

  • -for them to be assaulted. -I-I did not say that.

  • I did not say that.

  • And he went on to say, "Look at her.

  • I don't think so."

  • He attacked the woman reporter

  • writing the story, called her disgusting,

  • as he has called a number of women, uh, during this campaign.

  • Donald thinks belittling women makes him bigger.

  • He goes after their dignity,

  • their self-worth.

  • And I don't think there is a woman anywhere

  • who doesn't know what that feels like.

  • Wow.

  • That was power.

  • That was an answer that Trump would really need to draw deep

  • within his dignity and grace to recover from.

  • And he did not.

  • You have been warning at re... rallies recently

  • that this election is rigged

  • and that Hillary Clinton is in the process

  • of trying to steal it from you.

  • Your running mate, Governor Pence, pledged on Sunday

  • that he and you-- his words--

  • "will absolutely accept the result of this election."

  • I want to ask you here on this stage tonight,

  • do you make the same commitment

  • that you will absolutely... sir...

  • that you will absolutely accept the result of this election?

  • I will look at it at the time.

  • I'm not looking at anything now. I'll look at it at the time.

  • I will tell you at the time.

  • I'll keep you in suspense.

  • I'm sorry. Keep us in susp...?

  • Am I the only one who is super freaked out by this?

  • Am I the only one who is sup...?

  • Like, this guy just said, he may not accept the election results.

  • Did Donald Trump just dismiss democracy

  • like it was dressing on a salad?

  • "You know what? I'll look at it later.

  • "Put it on the side. Put it on the side.

  • Yeah, I'll have it on the side."

  • What do you mean, you'll keep us in suspense?

  • Trump's basically gonna run his campaign

  • like an episode of Scandal,

  • only with less black people and less women in power

  • and a more realistic understanding of politics.