字幕表 動画を再生する
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>> Dave: NOW HERE IS AN
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ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I HEARD, AND I
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JUST HEARD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT,
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REMEMBER STAR TREK, THE SHOW
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STAR TREK, THE GUY WHO PLAYED
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SULU ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY,
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DID YOU REALIZE THAT, HE
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ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY.
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SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: WHAT?
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(LAUGHTER)
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I GOT A -- I WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.
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SET YOUR FASERS ON FABULOUS.
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>> Paul: AH!
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Paul: EITHER WAY.
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SHORE.
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THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: SO I SAY SET YOUR
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TASERS THAT --
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: AND IF YOU ARE GAY,
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THEN SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.
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UNLIKELY.
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(LAUGHTER)
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>> Dave: BUT WE STARTED OUT THE
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WEEK WITH AN OLD FRIEND, AND I
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SAID BY GOD IF HE IS STILL IN
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TOWN, AND I THINK HE IS IN TOWN
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ON BUSINESS.
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I SAID GET AHOLD OF HIM AND SEE
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IF WE CAN'T FINISH THE WEEK THE
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SAME WAY, AN OLD FRIEND OF US
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HERE AT THE LATE SHOW, DO ME A
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FAVOR, MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME, IT
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IS THE GUY ON FIRE.
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COME ON OUT.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: HE'S IN TOWN ON
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BUSINESS.
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>> YOU KNOW, THE REAL PROBLEM
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WITH THAT IS THE SECONDHAND
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SMOKE.
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>> I WAS GOING TO SAY.
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>> THAT'S WHAT WILL KILL YOU.
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>> JUST AS DANGEROUS.
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>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
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ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT, HOW
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ABOUT THIS, TED KOPPEL IS
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JOINING US.
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>> Paul: OH, REALLY?
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: TED, OF COURSE, WAS THE
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FOUNDING FATHER AND HOST OF
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NIGHT LINE FOR 25 YEARS, 25
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YEARS, THAT'S REMARKABLE.
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ABSOLUTELY.
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AND HE'S DOING HIS FINAL NIGHT
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LINE SHOW
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>> Paul: HE IS A GOOD PLAYER.
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>> AND THERE IS A -- WE'VE BEEN
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HERE IN THE THEATRE, HOW LONG,
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12 YEARS.
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AND CBS HAS A GROUP OF PAGES.
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AND IT'S KIDS RIGHT OUT OF
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COLLEGE AND THEY COME HERE AND
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WORK FOR A COUPLE YEARS AND WORK
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THEIR WAY UP THROUGH THE
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BROADCAST BUSINESS.
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AND WE FOUND OUT A MONTH OR TWO
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AGO THAT THERE IS A GUY HERE WHO
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HAS BEEN A PAGE NOT FOR TWO
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YEARS, YOU KNOW HOW LONG?
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38 YEARS.
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38 YEARS.
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THAT TELLS YOU THAT SOMETHING IS
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WRONG.
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I THINK THAT HE IS LOST IN THE
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SYSTEM.
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>> I SEE.
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>> Dave: HE HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED.
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NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND HAS TURNED
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ITS BACK.
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SO WE BRING HIM OUT HERE EVERY
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NOW AND THEN TO SEE HOW HE IS
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DOING.
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9 OLDEST PAGE AT CBS, SAY HELLO
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TO JOHNNY DARK.
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JOHNNY, COME ON OUT.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: JOHNNY DARK, LADIES AND
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GENTLEMEN.
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JOHNNY DARK.
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JOHNNY IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE --
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>> HANG ON, THE SHOW IS ALMOST
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OVER.
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>> OH, I SEE, YOU BOUGHT ONE OF
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THOSE NEW VIDEO -- VIDEO iPODS,
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MAN?
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>> OH, MAN, I WOULD NAIL EVERY
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ONE OF THOSE DESPERATE
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HOUSEWIVES.
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>> Dave: SO YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF
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AN iPOD, IS THAT THE DEAL?
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>> YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I
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COULD AFFORD A VIDEO iPOD ON THE
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SALARY I MAKE IN THIS DUMP YOU
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-- NO, I FOUND IT IN THE
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AUDIENCE.
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AFTER THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: SO I -- I ASSUME YOU
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ARE PLANNING ON RETURNING IT,
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RIGHT?
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>> WELL, IF I RETURN IT, YOU
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MEAN PAWN IT AND GET A WHORE?
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>> Dave: WELL, THAT'S JUST --
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THAT'S AWFUL.
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THAT'S JUST AWFUL.
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>> WELL THEN, SURE.
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>> Dave: I'M SORRY, JOHNNY, ARE
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YOU NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE IN THE
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THEATRE.
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I'M SORRY.
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>> WELL, REMIND ME TO BRING THAT
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UP NEXT TIME YOU BLOW SMOKE UP A
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CELEBRITY'S ASS.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> OH WHAT DID HE SAY?
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>> Dave: NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT
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SOMETHING ELSE, JOHNNY.
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WE HAD THE BIG MAYORRAL ELECTION
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THIS WEEK, DID YOU VOTE?
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>> VOTE!
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DID YOU GET A BROW LIFT.
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>> Dave: NO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
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WHAT THAT MEANS.
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>> I AIN'T BEEN IN A VOTING
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BOOTH SINCE '86.
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LONG STORY SHORT, MY PANTS GOT
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CAUGHT IN THE LEVER.
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>> Dave: OH, NO.
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>> NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS
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ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
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>> Dave: I WILL BE DARN, THAT'S
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TOO BAD.
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NOW BEFORE YOU GO, DO YOU HAVE
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ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE
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WEEKEND?
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>> PLANNED?
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YEAH, I'VE GOT PLANS.
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IF YOU DON'T MIND YOUR OWN
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BUSINESS, I PLAN TO KICK YOUR
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ASS.
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>> Dave: WELL, NOW THAT'S --
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>> HEY, SHAFFER.
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LET'S TWIST AGAIN.
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[♪♪♪]
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>> GOOD NIGHT.
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>> Dave: MAN, HOW ABOUT THATING
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AS THE BATTLE SHAPES UP OVER
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PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST SUPREME
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COURT NOMINEE THE WHITE HOUSE
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CONFESSES -- CONTINUES TO
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CONFESS -- TO SET THEIR TA SESS,
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TAS, ERS ON STUN, THE WHITE
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HOUSE CONTINUES TO MAKE MISSTEPS
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THIS ANNOUNCEMENT DREW CRITICISM
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ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST
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SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, WATCH?
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>> PRESIDENT BUSH IS CONFIDENT
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THAT SAMUEL ALITO EXPENSE --
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EXTENSIVE JUDEICIAN EXPERIENCE
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WILL MAKE HIM A MORE VIABLE
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NOMINEE THAN HARRIET MIERS
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HOWEVER AS THE CONTINUING
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SUPPORT HARRIET MIERS -- MAYORS
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CONTINUES TO GET FROM THE
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PRESIDENT, HE IS ASKING JUDGE
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ALITO TO DRESS AS MS. MIERS.
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GEORGE W. BUSH NOT TODAY.
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>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT?
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VERY EXCITING TO LEARN THAT
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OPRAH WINFREY'S BROADWAY MUSICAL
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"THE COLOR PURPLE" RIGHT ACROSS
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THE STREET, RIGHT ACROSS THE
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STREET FROM US AT 53rd AND
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BROADWAY, AND I WENT OVER THERE
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THIS MORNING AND I THOUGHT WELL,
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THIS WILL BE EXCITING.
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BECAUSE OPRAH IS PRODUCING IT.
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AND LIKELY SHE HAD BE THERE,
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PERHAPS EVEN IN THE BOX OFFICE
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SELLING TICKETS.
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(LAUGHTER)
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>> Paul: YEAH.
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>> Dave: SO I GET MY HOPES, I'M
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ALL EXCITED.
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I GO OVER THERE THIS MORNING AND
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ONCE AGAIN, I WAS DASHED.
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>> Paul: AH.
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>> Dave: YEAH, WATCH.
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ISN'T THAT AWFUL?
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I CAN'T EVEN -- THEY DON'T WANT
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ME --
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>> CAN'T EVEN GET INTO THE SHOW.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Paul: AH.
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>> Dave: MAYBE I WILL JUST PAWN
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IT AND GET A WHORE.
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HERE WE GO.
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HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WE THINK
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IT'S IMPORTANT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
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TO LEARN ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS.
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WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY, DON'T WE.
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>> I FEEL THAT WAY.
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>> Dave: EVEN THE HORN SECTION
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FEELS THAT WAY.
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>> YES, THEY DO.
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>> Dave: WE'RE STARTING A NEW
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FEATURE CALLED WEEK IN REVIEW
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FOR KIDS STARRING OUR FRIEND
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DELI OWNER RUPERT G.
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TAKE IT AWAY, RUPERT G, WEEK IN
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REVIEW FOR KIDS.
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>> HI, KIDS.
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LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF
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THIS WEEK'S NEWS STORIES WITH MY
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LITTLE BUDDY Mr. CURRENT EVENTS.
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(LAUGHTER)
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>> I'M MICHAEL BROWN, I WRITE
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CRAZY E-MAILS.
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>> VERY NICE, MR. CURRENT
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EVENTS.
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WHO ELSE IS IN THE NEWS.
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>> I'M TERRELL OWENS.
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I CAN'T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
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>> WOW!.
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ANYONE ELSE THE KIDS AT HOME
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SHOULD KNOW ABOUT Mr. CURRENT
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EVENTS?
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>> I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN, I'M
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GETTING READY FOR MY TRIAL LATER
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THIS WEEK.
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>> O, SADDAM HUSSEIN, ARE YOU A
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BAD MAN, HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF
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YOU.
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WELL, KIDS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME,
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STAY IN SCHOOL.
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(APPLAUSE)
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>> Dave: MAYBE WE SHOULD OPEN
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THAT ONE OUT OF TOWN.
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>> Paul: I WAS GOING TO SAY.
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(LAUGHTER)
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>> Dave: YOU GO IN THERE
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TOMORROW, IT WILL BE IN THE CASE
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IT WILL BE IN THE CASE.
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>>
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IN THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY
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MUCH.
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TED KOPPEL IS HERE TONIGHT, AN
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TREY AN STASIO, AND IT'S -- WHEN
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YOU THINK ABOUT, TOM BROKAW
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RETIRED, DAN RATHER DETIRED,
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PETER JENNINGS PASSED AWAY, TED