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  • Hey it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business

  • and life you love, and this is Q&A Tuesday. Now, today’s question comes from Nina and

  • she writes, “Hi Marie, I’m an Art Studies graduate from Germany and I recently stumbled

  • over your videos and I love them. You helped me find the motivation to finish my bachelor

  • thesis and get excited about the start of a new phase in my life. Now, I have a question.

  • I actually had to repeat writing the thesis since I failed in the first attempt. That

  • was one of the worst failures in my life so far, but I managed to get through it and write

  • a new one within 2 months. I recently handed it in, but I’m left with a lot of insecurity

  • about my abilities and my knowledge. How can I overcome such a devastating failure like

  • that and regain my confidence? Thank you so much, love Nina.” Now, Nina, that this is

  • an incredible question and to answer it today I’m having back one of our favorite guests

  • of all time, Doctor Cathy Collautt. Cathy, thank you so much for coming back to MarieTV.

  • So happy to be here.

  • Ok, so I’m excited to dig into this with you, but before we do just for everybody out

  • there, I know failure is one of those words, right? People can take a lot of issue with

  • it and debate about it. There’s no such thing as failure, there’s only experiences

  • or results. Were not going to get into the debate about that, we just wanna help

  • people when you feel like something really bad has happened and you really don't have

  • any confidence and you wanna get back out there in the game. And then the second thing

  • we wanna say is nothing were gonna share today is about not giving yourself time to

  • lick your wound, you know, when you have a failure, yeah, and you need some time to grieve.

  • So all of this is when youre ready to get back in the game, how to do it in a really

  • healthy way.

  • Yeah.

  • So you have 4 steps that we can help ourselves with. What’s step number one?

  • So step number one is to realize that Nina’s is a very important question because the truth

  • is you must. You must learn to deal with setbacks, failures, and devastating failure, you must

  • learn to deal with blows to your confidence, you must learn to overcome because they are

  • going to happen. The chance of you making it through life without setbacks and failures

  • is, what? Nil? Especially if youre gonna try new things and to be new things and especially

  • if youre gonna live a life worth living. So step number one is to recognize that the

  • question how can I overcome failure and regain confidence is not about possibility as in

  • how is it possible for me to, but about necessity. I have to find a way to deal with setbacks

  • and failures even, and perhaps especially, devastating failure and to regain confidence

  • when I lose it. I have to find a way to overcome. It must be possible, because they are going

  • to happen. As you always say, Marie, it’s a non negotiable.

  • Yes, it really is a non negotiable and I love this idea of you have to make it a must. That’s

  • it.

  • Right.

  • There’s no other possibility.

  • That’s step number one, make it a must. If youre gonna live a life worth living

  • you will see setbacks, so make it a must to learn to deal with them.

  • Awesome.

  • On to step two. You will see setbacks and failures because success and failure are not

  • two separate roads like you would meet at a crossroads, for example. Success and failure

  • are on the same road. Just picture success as farther down that road. So step two is

  • recognizing that success and failure are on the same path. Think about it. Always before

  • you can do something there’s a period of time in which you cannot or have not yet proven

  • that you can do this thing.

  • Yes.

  • Always you can’t do it first. In fact, up until that third or 30th or 300th time when

  • you succeed, every prior attempt is to some extent a setback or a failure. This means

  • that successful people actually fail just as often, if not more than their unsuccessful

  • counterparts. Youve probably heard some version of the saying that the most important

  • difference between successful and unsuccessful people is that successful ones never interpret

  • failure as the last word on the subject. That is worth repeating. The most important difference

  • between successful and unsuccessful people is the way they respond to failure and to

  • losing. So your action step here is to relax about it. Leave off drawing conclusions about

  • your character, your worth, and/or your entire existence because youve seen failures.

  • You will see failures. Youre supposed to see failures, otherwise youre probably

  • not, as in pretty definitely not, givingreally trying. And by that I mean giving enough

  • of yourself to your life.

  • Right. Youre probably playing it safe.

  • Yes.

  • Youre not taking any kind of risks whatsoever.

  • Right.

  • Youve probably been sitting on the couch.

  • Right. Doing the same thing over and over.

  • Absolutely.

  • Next, step 3. Celebrate the effort, not the result. To begin to regain confidence, you

  • want to applaud yourself for trying. Remember you had two options: try or not try. Genuinely

  • applaud yourself for putting yourself out there and for trying. Your applause should

  • be equal to your earnestness, how much of yourself you really gave, and the raw effort

  • you made, and not in proportion to your perceived success or lack thereof. So your action step

  • here is to applaud yourself to the extent that you got in the ring instead of sitting

  • on the sideline.

  • That’s important. I mean, for so many people, especially I think in our world, you know,

  • the online world for me at least. I see so many, like, armchair quarterbacks and people

  • that are, oh you should do this, you should do that. And I’m like are you really in

  • there getting anything done? Where I love this idea of celebrating ourselves really

  • for making the effort and I love that distinction to the degree that we actually made the effort.

  • So if youre, like, half assing it

  • The applause is less.

  • ...youre gonna do a golf clap.

  • Exactly.

  • Right?

  • Right. And like I say, you wanna genuinely applaud yourself. It’s not like it’s some

  • consolation prize because it isn’t. You wanna be giving yourself props for doing the

  • most important thing and the thing over which you actually have control, which is putting

  • yourself out there and really trying.

  • I think that’s another important distinction, you know, because in so many areas of our

  • lives we can’t control the outcome, you know, whether it’s a business negotiation

  • or youre pitching something. You really can’t manipulate, nor would we necessarily

  • want to. But youre right, the only thing that we can have any sort of control over

  • is how we show up and to the effort that we do.

  • Exactly.

  • Beautiful.

  • Which is why I would say even when you win, you wanna celebrate the effort and enjoy the

  • result.

  • Yes.

  • Right?

  • Yes. So step number 4 is actually one of my favorites, all about confining our conclusions.

  • What does that mean?

  • You don't wanna let this specific failure become global about you, your life, your abilities.

  • You wanna confine your conclusions and your shame to this iteration, to this try, to this

  • specific experiment, to this particular manifestation of your effort, to this try or, as I call

  • it, the iteration. I can relate to Nina failing her first thesis attempt because so did I.

  • I failed my PhD the first time and I know exactly why I did and it had nothing to do

  • with my knowledge or my abilities, evidently as I also rewrote it in a matter of a month

  • or two and passed. But even if I did fail a second time, would that mean I was incapable?

  • Whether I am or not is still undetermined at the end of a failure because success, if

  • it does exist, exists farther down that same road. But fine. Say I wasn’t capable. The

  • question is, incapable of or inept at what exactly? Watch the tendency to draw increasingly

  • global conclusions as the result of a specific failure. So do I question my ability to write

  • a passable thesis on this particular topic or in this particular field or in academia

  • in general? Do I go on to question my ability to read or write or think at all? What about

  • my ability to make good decisions and to follow through and handle my life in general? Are

  • all these things being brought into question?

  • Usually I think. Right?

  • Right? And the more you generalize and abstract your conclusion from this specific iteration

  • or expression of your effort, the more you inflate its failure to cover ever increasing

  • aspects of yourself and your life and the harder it will be for you to do two things:

  • learn from it and try again. So your action step here is to confine your conclusions and,

  • as I say, your shame to the iteration. Don't by rote spin off into an abyss of lifelong

  • character judgments, nor even necessarily what a lost cause you are at this. Relegating

  • your conclusions to the effort rather than to your essential nature is definitely a healthier

  • if not more correct way to engage with the game of life.

  • I love it. I mean, I think it’s so easy for any of us when we experience the tiniest

  • failure, again, it just balloons up and it does become global so fast and I think that

  • this last piece is where people get really, really tripped up because they start assigning

  • it and looking through that lens on every level. And of course you can feel crippled

  • at that point.

  • Sure.

  • Of course it would be hard. So I love that. It’s a very conscious way to gobring

  • it down.

  • And it’s much harder to change your behavior if it’s attributed to your essential nature

  • as opposed to the one effort. I can do something different next time as opposed to of course

  • I can’t do anything different, I’m just incapable of or I’m inept or, you know,

  • I’m really bad at.

  • Cathy, this was awesome. So let’s review.

  • So life, as they say, is the successive unfolding of success from failure inasmuch as every

  • attempt proceeding success will invariably be to some extent a failure or a setback.

  • Life really lived is comprised of these iterations. Just redress your understanding, your definition

  • of a failure. A failure is a try that didn't work. These are your options: regret trying

  • or applaud yourself for trying. Let this failure give you reason enough to sit down and step

  • out of the ring indefinitely or learn from it in order to improve the next try, the next

  • iteration. Don't pretend that sitting on the sidelines is the responsible and rational

  • and objective thing to do. Try instead in the name of logic and reason to contain the

  • result to the effort. Just because you didn't yet does not mean you can’t. It may mean

  • you won’t, but that is still entirely unknown and totally up to you.

  • Beautiful. Cathy, thank you so much for being here today.

  • My absolute pleasure. Thanks for having me back.

  • Now Cathy and I would love to hear from you. Have you ever overcome a devastating failure

  • or maybe you know someone else who has? What were the steps that helped you? We would love

  • to hear about it in the comments below. Now, as always, the best discussions happen after

  • the episode over at MarieForleo.com, so go there and leave a comment now. Did you like

  • this video? If so, subscribe and share it with your friends. And if you want even more

  • great resources to create a business and life that you love plus some personal insights

  • from me that I only talk about in email, get yourself over to MarieForleo.com and sign

  • up for email updates. Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world

  • needs that special gift that only you have. Thank you so much for watching and I’ll

  • catch you next time on MarieTV.

Hey it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business

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壊滅的な挫折を克服するための4つのステップ (4 Steps to Overcome a Devastating Setback)

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