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  • Third day of high school, and I,

  • Victor Knudsen, was hit by an epidemic.

  • And we're not talking about your everyday epidemic like chicken pox.

  • Or the flu. Nope, we're talking a case of total, incurable...

  • "Anya-itis".

  • Hello, gorgeous.

  • It's not so much the fact

  • that she's the most beautiful girl in the history of the world.

  • It's that... well...

  • - Whassup, ladies? - Hey, Peter!

  • Why don't you boys go park my precious?

  • Sure thing, Peter.

  • If you scratch her, you die.

  • Open house this evening. Please come by.

  • Nothing feels quite like expensive wheels. Not even sex.

  • You ladies should stop by Nick and Ernie's party tonight.

  • It's gonna be off the hook.

  • Especially you mama. I'll make sure you're on the VIP list.

  • Take a hike, losers.

  • They'd never set foot at your retarded little party.

  • Yo, Vic!

  • Hey, Vic!

  • Is he even alive?

  • Come on, this is your big chance.

  • Never mind the fact that she's the world's most unattainable girl.

  • And that's... maybe her boyfriend.

  • Just walk on up to her and invite her to Ernie's party tonight.

  • So what if she's a Senior? Nothing. It means nothing.

  • Oh my god, what a smile!

  • I don't think we've been introduced.

  • Huh, no we haven't.

  • Those eyes...

  • My name's Vic...

  • "Viccup"?

  • That sure looks like your geek brother trying to score.

  • How freaking stupid can you be, trying to score a Senior?

  • Must run in the family. You wrote Paris Hilton, didn't you?

  • She's not a Senior now, is she?

  • Besides, she's much more mature than high school chicks.

  • Right.

  • We could make the catastrophic film of the century

  • about Victor and Anya.

  • "What not to do when one wants to get some ass".

  • We're gonna win Sundance!

  • You do the directing, I'll cast the floozies.

  • - Score! - Yeah!

  • I think Esmeralda is just about ready...

  • Adios, mamacita.

  • Now there's pussy in the air, boys.

  • - She sure does slide nicely. - Why Esmeralda?

  • We can name her Anya if you prefer.

  • What do you think Ernest?

  • This is America. We can all dream, right?

  • - Do you think she'll come? - Not the first few times.

  • Victor, my man, she's a Senior.

  • You'd have a better chance trying to score Angelina Jolie.

  • I don't exactly think she walks around dreaming about a 15 year old

  • who's never had any, except his own right hand.

  • - Get lost, you little rug rat! - Alright, fine. I'll leave.

  • I'm sorry,

  • I thought you were my hideous little brother and his stupid camera.

  • I don't think Brian looks this great in a dress.

  • Very sexy. You're out for some trouble tonight, aren't you?

  • - Aren't I always? - Yeah.

  • - Anya's bedroom, take four. - Marker!

  • Brian and Zack, that's it!! Get the hell out of my room!

  • One more time from the top, Sis.

  • And maybe you could lose the bathrobe in this take?

  • Out now!

  • Keep that expression, Anya.

  • You're totally challenging Uma Thurman in Kill Bill!

  • Get out! Scram!

  • Come on Anya, get dressed.

  • The Froshes are having a party and we're crashing it!

  • What, Freshmen?

  • Sure you'll fit right in. They don't have sex either.

  • Thanks.

  • - Hey, Ernie! - What's up, baby?

  • No sandals next time, buddy. We're running a classy joint here.

  • Luckily, I'm in a good mood. Hello.

  • Wearing dancing shoes.

  • So, have you seen her yet?

  • If you are referring to your lady friend Anya, she was just here.

  • - I told her to take a hike. - You did what?

  • She didn't have an invitation, man. What do you want from me?

  • But she doesn't, she doesn't need a...a...

  • Bu, bu, but... Okay, geez, I'm just joking.

  • That broad has totally ruined your sense of humor.

  • Madames, proceed to the Garden of Eden.

  • Nice!

  • Yo, this place is packed with hotties.

  • Forget about Anya and just grab whatever you can get.

  • Which isn't a whole lot,

  • but, you know, there's gotta be someone desperate enough.

  • Man, you are a lost cause. Go make sure Ernie's still standing, will you?

  • Come on, lets just try to get into Avalon instead.

  • Peter just texted me and said it'd be happening tonight.

  • Peter should just be happy you are practicing on some toddlers.

  • Thanks for the confidence.

  • - Are you still scared? - Of what?

  • Of actually doing it with Peter.

  • No.

  • I mean, when we're alone together he's really nice,

  • and he says all the right things, it's just...

  • Anya, if you don't wanna do it, you shouldn't do it.

  • I do want to, I'm ready!

  • I don't know. I guess I'm just not sure if he's the right one.

  • Listen, you can't just throw away a woman's greatest treasure,

  • just because he wants you to.

  • You have to wait for your one true love.

  • The one you're gonna marry.

  • - What was that? - It's in the Bible.

  • You guys ever hear of role playing?

  • You got it, doll.

  • Two of Ernie's famous home juice.

  • Get lost girls, Hanna Montana starts in 5 minutes.

  • What was that?

  • Hi...

  • Such a lovely dress you're wearing, Anya.

  • Nice fabric. They don't make them like that anymore.

  • I just bought it, so I guess they do.

  • Okay, Tom Ford, fashion week is over.

  • - I'm Victor. - Hi.

  • Are you coming or what?

  • It's the nicest dress I've seen all night.

  • Okay.

  • That freshie really liked your dress.

  • Hey, let's make a bet, whoever gets a freshie hooked first,

  • has to pick up the tab later on at Avalon.

  • You're on.

  • It's the nicest dress I've seen all night?

  • That's the dumbest thing I've said in my entire life!

  • Ooooh!

  • Freak out time!

  • Just, just, just walk up to her and say

  • "Anya, baby, let's, let's groove.

  • I got some... R-rated moves for ya."

  • Dude, what are you doing in here, boy?

  • Okay. Don't mind me.

  • Hey, come on, close the door, it's not that big.

  • Or, is it?

  • Come on, you guys, walk!

  • You can do it. One foot after the other.

  • Don't tell me you're talking to your feet, Vic?

  • - No, I, I.... - Just go on up to her, man. Come on.

  • Just do it, Vic.

  • Do it, man,

  • Here comes your lover boy to comment on your dress again.

  • I sense your credit card's gonna hit the limit tonight.

  • Victor, my man, you obviously have something important to say.

  • I'm, I'm sorry, what was that?

  • Any hiccup experts in the house?

  • I know a good trick.

  • Come on, you've tortured Victor long enough.

  • So Victor, do you want me to try to fix these hiccups of yours?

  • I'll give you a great, big kiss if you can do one more hiccup for me.

  • Victor?

  • Victor?

  • Victor!

  • So, what will it be, big boy?

  • Go, buddy!

  • I, I can't do it.

  • But the most important thing is that your hiccups are cured, right?

  • Guess I'm stuck paying the tab tonight.

  • That's the price you have to pay for having such a "lovely dress".

  • - Hey, I got the hiccups too! - No, no, no, no, I do!

  • She would have kissed me!

  • Zachary Jaaaaaaaaames!!!!

  • That's my name, don't wear it out. I got the copyright, lady.

  • You know I can't stand spiders!

  • Then it's a good thing it's made out of licorice.

  • Where did I go wrong?

  • - When you and Dad were getting.... - Yes, thank you, young man.

  • Sounds like you woke up your mom, Zachary.

  • - Good morning. - Hi, Dad.

  • What about Victor? Is he up yet?

  • The old booze hound is hung over.

  • Oh, don't be silly. Your brother doesn't drink.

  • Yeah, and I don't dig girls over 18.

  • Victor, breakfast is ready!

  • Oh, good morning.

  • So son, any nice-looking girls there last night?

  • - Yeah, did you get any pussy? - Zachary!

  • You need to use a different language, young man!

  • Yes, Mom. Hizole consigue coño?

  • Did you get to bump into any big jugs?

  • Stop it!

  • Back in my day, we called them melons.

  • Christian!

  • Well, some people did, but, no, no, not me.

  • You know, I better get back to work.

  • - Oh, don't forget this one. - Thank you, son.

  • See you.

  • So, what kind of trouble are you boys planning on getting into today?

  • Nothing out of the ordinary,

  • Maybe knock over a liquor store, hit the titty bar.

  • Oh, that's great!

  • Hey, Mom, did anyone call?

  • No. Who would have called?

  • Oh, I don't know.

  • What if she's crazy about me, but just doesn't know it yet?

  • In theory she already kissed me. It's all subconscious.

  • She even smiled at me this morning.

  • Anya's the type who'd smile at a child molester.

  • If she likes you so much, why don't you go over and talk to her?

  • Well, she's sitting with all the Seniors.

  • What about that smart-ass Peter? Is she dating him or what?

  • No, I'm sure they're just really good friends.

  • Is Victor Knudsen really gonna go down in history

  • as the Kentucky fried chicken who didn't dare fight for his own woman?

  • You're right.

  • No, time out, time out. Are you sure there are no hiccups on their way up?

  • I got it covered.

  • I didn't drink a single sip of water today, or yesterday.

  • Good luck, Titanic!

  • Can't you faint from dehydration?

  • What's up ladies?

  • Is this Candid Camera or did you just say "what's up ladies"?

  • I just wanted to say how great it was to see you at the party.

  • Me and my dress?

  • Don't you know little Freshmen aren't allowed at the Senior table?

  • Last I checked there was no reservation sign.

  • Listen, you punk, I don't know what you're trying to pull here,

  • but don't ever talk to any of us ever again

  • or I'll split your skull in two!

  • Go buy yourself a Hershey's kiss, kid.

  • No one in their right mind would ever give such a loser one for free.

  • - Nice one! - Huh? You like that? Like that?

  • Well done.

  • "Go buy yourself a Hershey's kiss, kid".

  • - Hurry up. - Relax already.

  • Check the stalls, will ya?

  • Clear. Make this quick.

  • I seem to remember you never liked it when I was too quick about it.

  • Look, I'm sick and tired of Anya and her unspoiled, virgin bullshit.

  • What is she trying to prove?

  • Don't worry, she knows she can't graduate a virgin.

  • She said that?

  • She said she wants to do it soon,

  • and I told her the best way is to do it with someone with experience.

  • Someone who know's what he's doing.

  • Thanks for the compliment. Can't you...

  • Prepare her a bit?

  • - Prepare her, are you crazy?! - Just give her a few tips.

  • I'm going to her house on Wednesday while her parents are playing Bridge.

  • Seriously Peter, that's between you two.

  • I wanna see my girl happy and I am not pushing her to do it.

  • It was a lot easier with you back in the day.

  • All it took was a ride in the Precious Junior

  • and a twenty buck dinner.

  • Besides, when I've had Anya too, you girls can finally discuss sex.

  • So, I guess I'll basically be doing you a favor.

  • Chupa mi verga.

  • Keep talking dirty, baby.

  • Okay, Casanova. So you're gonna tell this girl you barely know

  • that she shouldn't sleep with her boyfriend even though she wants to?

  • Well, he's not really her boyfriend. But... yeah.

  • - Great plan, Vic. - lt's not so bad.

  • - Ah, God, you're so young. - But Peter doesn't love her!

  • So? When did that become mandatory for love making?