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  • "I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

    翻訳: Mari Arimitsu 校正: Misaki Sato

  • And Mourners to and fro

    「私は頭の中で葬式を感じた

  • Kept treading - treading - till it seemed

    会葬者たちがあちこちと

  • That Sense was breaking through -

    歩き回り、歩き回って とうとう

  • And when they all were seated,

    意識がぼやけてしまった

  • A Service, like a Drum -

    会葬者たちが席に着くと

  • Kept beating - beating - till I felt

    太鼓の音のような弔いが

  • My mind was going numb -

    うち響き、うち響いて とうとう

  • And then I heard them lift a Box

    心が凍ってしまった

  • And creak across my Soul

    その時 棺が持ち上げられ

  • With those same Boots of Lead, again,

    私の魂を横切って いつもの

  • Then Space - began to toll,

    鉛の靴が音をたてて通り過ぎた

  • As all the Heavens were a Bell, And Being, but an Ear,

    すると あたりで鐘が鳴りだした

  • And I, and Silence, some strange Race,

    まるで天国がひとつの鐘になって

  • Wrecked, solitary, here -

    存在が耳と化したような感じ

  • (Just) then a Plank in Reason, broke,

    私と沈黙はここでは

  • And I dropped down, and down -

    打ちひしがれたよそ者なのだ

  • And hit a World, at every plunge,

    その時 理性の板が壊れ

  • And Finished knowing - then -"

    私は下へ下へと落ちて行った

  • We know depression through metaphors.

    そして落ちるたびに別の世界にぶつかり

  • Emily Dickinson was able to convey it in language,

    とうとう何もわからなくなった」

  • Goya in an image.

    私たちは鬱というものを 隠喩を通して理解しています

  • Half the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states.

    エミリー・ディキンソンは 詩という形で言葉にし

  • As for me, I had always thought myself tough,

    ゴヤは絵画で表現しました

  • one of the people who could survive if I'd been sent to a concentration camp.

    芸術における大半の目的とは

  • In 1991, I had a series of losses.

    こんな象徴的なものを 描き出すことではないでしょうか

  • My mother died, a relationship I'd been in ended,

    私の場合 常に自分はタフな人間だと思ってきました

  • I moved back to the United States from some years abroad,

    強制収容所なんかに送られても

  • and I got through all of those experiences intact.

    絶対に生き延びるタイプだろうと

  • But in 1994, three years later, I found myself losing interest in almost everything.

    1991年から私が経験したことは

  • I didn't want to do any of the things I had previously wanted to do, and I didn't know why.

    母の死に始まります

  • The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.

    恋人と別れ

  • And it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment.

    この時 数年の海外生活を経て

  • Everything there was to do seemed like too much work.

    アメリカに帰国しました

  • I would come home,

    そして なんとか乗り越えることができました

  • and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine,

    しかし3年後の1994年のことです

  • and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friends,

    自分が ほぼ何もかも 興味を失っていることに気づきました

  • I would think, "What a lot of people that is to have to call back."

    以前やりたいと思っていたことが

  • Or I would decide I should have lunch,

    何一つやりたくなくなり

  • and then I would think, but I'd have to get the food out

    その理由さえ分かりませんでした

  • and put it on a plate and cut it up and chew it and swallow it,

    鬱の反対は幸福ではなく

  • and it felt to me like the Stations of the Cross.

    活力です

  • And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression

    そして活力こそが

  • is that you know it's ridiculous.

    当時の私から 消え去っていったもののように思います

  • You know it's ridiculous while you're experiencing it.

    目の前のやるべきことが

  • You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch

    全て大仕事のように思えました

  • and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door,

    自宅に戻ると

  • and that it's not a big deal, and yet you are nonetheless in its grip,

    留守番電話の赤いライトが 点滅しています

  • and you are unable to figure out any way around it.

    友達からのメッセージに 心躍らせる代わりに

  • And so I began to feel myself doing less and thinking less and feeling less.

    私はこう考えました

  • It was a kind of nullity, and then the anxiety set in.

    「なんて多くの人たちに 返事をしなくちゃいけないんだ」

  • If you told me that I'd have to be depressed for the next month,

    またある時は ランチをとろうとするものの

  • I would say, "As long I know it'll be over in November, I can do it."

    それには食べ物を取り出して

  • But if you said to me, "You have to have acute anxiety for the next month,"

    お皿に盛りつけて

  • I would rather slit my wrist than go through it.

    ナイフで切って 噛み砕いて 飲み込まなくてはいけないと考えるのです

  • It was the feeling all the time, like that feeling you have if you're walking,

    すると それが十字架ほどの重圧に感じました

  • and you slip or trip, and the ground is rushing up at you,

    鬱に関する議論を行う際に

  • but instead of lasting half a second, the way that does, it lasted for six months.

    上手くいかない理由の一つは

  • It's a sensation of being afraid all the time, but not even knowing what it is that you're afraid of.

    当人が馬鹿馬鹿しいと 認識していることです

  • And it was at that point that I began to think that it was just too painful to be alive,

    実際に なんて愚かだと分かっているんです

  • and that the only reason not to kill oneself was so as not to hurt other people.

    普通の人たちは

  • And finally one day, I woke up, and I thought perhaps I'd had a stroke,

    留守電のメッセージを聞いて ランチをとって

  • because I lay in bed completely frozen, looking at the telephone, thinking,

    シャワーを浴びて

  • "Something is wrong and I should call for help,"

    玄関から出かける それが当たり前のことだと分かっています

  • and I couldn't reach out my arm and pick up the phone and dial.

    玄関から出かける それが当たり前のことだと分かっています

  • And finally, after four full hours of my lying and staring at it,

    それでも鬱と決別できません

  • the phone rang, and somehow I managed to pick it up,

    そして どうあがいても 解決できなくなります

  • and it was my father, and I said,

    こんな調子で 私はやることが だんだん減ってきて

  • "I'm in serious trouble. We need to do something."

    思考も鈍くなり

  • The next day I started with the medications and the therapy.

    感情も失っていきました

  • And I also started reckoning with this terrible question:

    無に近づいていたように思います

  • If I'm not the tough person who could have made it through a concentration camp, then who am I?

    そこに不安が襲います

  • And if I have to take medication, is that medication making me more fully myself,

    もし来月中は ずっと うつ状態でいてくれと

  • or is it making me someone else?

    言われたら こう返答するでしょう

  • And how do I feel about it if it's making me someone else?

    「11月に終わるのであれば できますよ」と (10月に撮影)

  • I had two advantages as I went into the fight.

    でも もし

  • The first is that I knew that, objectively speaking, I had a nice life,

    「来月はずっと極度の不安を 抱えていてくれ」と言われれば

  • and that if I could only get well,

    やり遂げる前に 手首を切ってしまうでしょう

  • there was something at the other end that was worth living for.

    いつも感じていたのは

  • And the other was that I had access to good treatment.

    歩いたら 滑ったり

  • But I nonetheless emerged and relapsed, and emerged and relapsed,

    つまづいたりして

  • and emerged and relapsed, and finally understood

    地面が迫ってくる感覚で

  • I would have to be on medication and in therapy forever.

    この感覚が一瞬ではなく

  • And I thought, "But is it a chemical problem or a psychological problem?

    半年も続いているように感じるのです

  • And does it need a chemical cure or a philosophical cure?"

    常に不安を抱えているというのは 異常ですが

  • And I couldn't figure out which it was.

    不安の対象が何であるのかすら 分からないのです

  • And then I understood that actually,

    この時 私が思い始めたのは

  • we aren't advanced enough in either area for it to explain things fully.

    生きることは ただ辛すぎるということ

  • The chemical cure and the psychological cure both have a role to play,

    自殺をしなかった 唯一の理由とは

  • and I also figured out that depression was something that was braided so deep into us

    周りの人を悲しませたくなかったからです

  • that there was no separating it from our character and personality.

    ある日 目を覚ました私は

  • I want to say that the treatments we have for depression are appalling.

    脳卒中を起こしたかもしれないと 思いました

  • They're not very effective. They're extremely costly.

    ベッドに横たわる身体は 凍り付いていたからです

  • They come with innumerable side effects. They're a disaster.

    電話を遠目に こう考えます

  • But I am so grateful that I live now and not 50 years ago,

    「何かがおかしい 助けを呼ばなくては」

  • when there would have been almost nothing to be done.

    でも腕を伸ばして

  • I hope that 50 years hence, people will hear about my treatments

    受話器を取って ダイアルすることができません

  • and be appalled that anyone endured such primitive science.

    横たわりながら電話を見つめること 4時間

  • Depression is the flaw in love.

    ついに電話が鳴りました

  • If you were married to someone and thought, "Well, if my wife dies, I'll find another one,"

    なんとか受話器を上げると

  • it wouldn't be love as we know it.

    父からでした

  • There's no such thing as love without the anticipation of loss,

    私は「深刻な問題を抱えている

  • and that specter of despair can be the engine of intimacy.

    助けが必要だ」と話しました

  • There are three things people tend to confuse: depression, grief and sadness.

    翌日から 投薬とセラピー治療が

  • Grief is explicitly reactive.

    始まりました

  • If you have a loss and you feel incredibly unhappy, and then, six months later,

    そして ゾッとするような

  • you are still deeply sad, but you're functioning a little better, it's probably grief,

    こんな自問も始めたのです

  • and it will probably ultimately resolve itself in some measure.

    もし自分が強制収容所で

  • If you experience a catastrophic loss, and you feel terrible,

    生き延びられるような タフな人間でなければ

  • and six months later you can barely function at all,

    この私は誰だ?

  • then it's probably a depression that was triggered

    もし この薬を飲めば

  • by the catastrophic circumstances.

    もっと自分らしくなるのだろうか?

  • The trajectory tells us a great deal.

    それとも別人になってしまうのだろうか?

  • People think of depression as being just sadness.

    もし違う人間にしてしまうのなら

  • It's much, much too much sadness,

    私は どうなるんだろう?

  • much too much grief at far too slight a cause.

    この戦いを始めるにあたり 私には2つの強みがありました

  • As I set out to understand depression, and to interview people who had experienced it,

    まずは客観的に見ても

  • I found that there were people who seemed, on the surface,

    私はよい人生を送っていました

  • to have what sounded like relatively mild depression

    そして回復さえすれば

  • who were nonetheless utterly disabled by it.

    その先には 生きがいがある

  • And there were other people who had what sounded

    生活が待っていると分かっていました

  • as they described it like terribly severe depression, who nonetheless had good lives

    もう1つは 良い治療への アクセスがあったことです

  • in the interstices between their depressive episodes.

    それにもかかわらず 症状はぶり返し

  • And I set out to find out what it is that causes some people to be more resilient than other people.

    あらわれては ぶり返し

  • What are the mechanisms that allow people to survive?

    あらわれては ぶり返しました

  • And I went out and I interviewed person after person who was suffering with depression.

    ついに悟ったのは

  • One of the first people I interviewed described depression as a slower way of being dead,

    投薬とセラピー治療に

  • and that was a good thing for me to hear early on

    一生頼らなければいけない ということでした

  • because it reminded me that that slow way of being dead

    そこで考えたのは 「これは化学的問題か

  • can lead to actual deadness, that this is a serious business.

    それとも心理的問題なのか?

  • It's the leading disability worldwide, and people die of it every day.

    化学療法と心理療法の どちらが有用なのだろうか?」と

  • One of the people I talked to when I was trying to understand this,

    結局どちらが効果的なのか 分かりませんでした

  • was a beloved friend who I had known for many years,

    そこで理解したことは

  • and who had had a psychotic episode in her freshman year of college,

    実は どちらの専門領域でも

  • and then plummeted into a horrific depression.

    この病気を十分に解明できないのだと

  • She had bipolar illness, or manic depression, as it was then known.

    でも化学療法と心理療法は どちらも担うべき

  • And then she did very well for many years on lithium,

    役割があります

  • and then eventually, she was taken off her lithium

    また私が気づいたのは 鬱とは

  • to see how she would do without it, and she had another psychosis,

    私たちの 深部に編みこまれたもので

  • and then plunged into the worst depression that I had ever seen,

    個性や性格と

  • in which she sat in her parents' apartment,

    不可分であるということでした

  • more or less catatonic, essentially without moving, day after day after day.

    現代の鬱の治療法とは

  • And when I interviewed her about that experience some years later,

    酷い状況です

  • she's a poet and psychotherapist named Maggie Robbins, when I interviewed her, she said,

    効果的でないし

  • "I was singing 'Where Have All The Flowers Gone,' over and over, to occupy my mind.

    とても高額です

  • I was singing to blot out the things my mind was saying,

    数え切れない副作用も伴います

  • which were, 'You are nothing. You are nobody. You don't even deserve to live.'

    本当に最悪です

  • And that was when I really started thinking about killing myself."

    それでも現代に生きることができて 感謝しています

  • You don't think in depression that you've put on a gray veil

    50年前だったら

  • and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood.

    ほとんど 手の施しようが無い

  • You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness, and that now you're seeing truly.

    症状だったろうと思うからです

  • It's easier to help schizophrenics who perceive

    ですから50年後の人たちが

  • that there's something foreign inside of them that needs to be exorcised,

    私が受けている治療法を聞いて

  • but it's difficult with depressives, because we believe we are seeing the truth.

    そんな原始的な科学に耐えていたのかと

  • But the truth lies. I became obsessed with that sentence: "But the truth lies."

    驚愕してくれることを願います

  • And I discovered, as I talked to depressive people, that they have many delusional perceptions.

    鬱とは愛の欠陥です

  • People will say, "No one loves me."

    結婚している男性が

  • And you say, "I love you, your wife loves you, your mother loves you."

    「もし奥さんが死んだら 他を探そう」と思うなら

  • You can answer that one pretty readily, at least for most people.

    私たちが信ずる愛とは程遠いです

  • But people who are depressed will also say, "No matter what we do, we're all just going to die in the end."

    失うことが決してない愛など

  • Or they'll say, "There can be no true communion between two human beings.

    ありえないし

  • Each of us is trapped in his own body." To which you have to say, "That's true,

    絶望への不安は

  • but I think we should focus right now on what to have for breakfast."

    愛情をより深くさせる 原動力にもなります

  • A lot of the time, what they are expressing is not illness, but insight,

    皆さんが混同しがちなことが 3つあります

  • and one comes to think what's really extraordinary

    鬱、苦悩、悲しみです

  • is that most of us know about those existential questions, and they don't distract us very much.

    苦悩とは明らかに呼応するものです

  • There was a study I particularly liked,

    皆さんが誰かを失って 極度に不幸だと感じているとします

  • in which a group of depressed and a group of non-depressed people

    でも半年後に

  • were asked to play a video game for an hour, and at the end of the hour,

    深い悲しみは残っても 少しずつ元の生活に戻れるようなら

  • they were asked how many little monsters they thought they had killed.

    それは苦悩でしょう

  • The depressive group was usually accurate to within about 10 percent,

    この場合 何らかの形で

  • and the non-depressed people guessed between 15 and 20 times as many little monsters, as they had actually killed.

    自ずと癒されるはずです

  • A lot of people said, when I chose to write about my depression,

    もし皆さんが悲劇的な形で 誰かを失って

  • that it must be very difficult to be out of that closet, to have people know.

    極度に落ち込んで

  • They said, "Do people talk to you differently?" I said, "Yes, people talk to me differently."

    半年後に日常生活も ままならないようなら

  • They talk to me differently insofar as they start telling me about their experience,

    悲劇的な状況下によって 誘発された

  • or their sister's experience, or their friend's experience.

    鬱である可能性が高いです

  • Things are different because now I know that depression is the family secret that everyone has.

    どのような軌跡を辿るかが 大いに関係しているのです

  • I went a few years ago to a conference, and on Friday of the three-day conference,

    多くの人が うつ病とは ただ悲しみに暮れることだと考えています

  • one of the participants took me aside, and she said,

    ですが実際は想像以上に深い悲しみで

  • "I suffer from depression, and I'm a little embarrassed about it,

    大きすぎる苦悩なのです

  • but I've been taking this medication, and I just wanted to ask you what you think?"

    そして遠巻きに見ると 小さすぎる原因に端を発したものです

  • And so I did my best to give her such advice as I could.

    私は鬱を理解するため

  • And then she said, "You know, my husband would never understand this.

    その経験を持つ人たちに インタビューを始めました

  • He's really the kind of guy to whom this wouldn't make any sense,

    それで分かったことは

  • so, you know, it's just between us." And I said, "Yes, that's fine."

    表面的には比較的

  • On Sunday of the same conference, her husband took me aside,

    軽度のうつ病を患っている人も

  • and he said, "My wife wouldn't think that I was really much of a guy if she knew this,

    この病気によって 大きな支障を被っているということです

  • but I've been dealing with this depression and I'm taking some medication, and I wondered what you think?"

    その一方で 本人の説明によれば

  • They were hiding the same medication in two different places in the same bedroom.

    重度のうつ病を

  • And I said that I thought communication within the marriage might be triggering some of their problems.

    患っているように聞こえても

  • But I was also struck by the burdensome nature of such mutual secrecy.

    暗いエピソードの隙間から よい生活を送っている様子を

  • Depression is so exhausting.

    垣間見ることがあります

  • It takes up so much of your time and energy, and silence about it,

    そこで次に調べたのは

  • it really does make the depression worse.

    ある人たちが

  • And then I began thinking about all the ways people make themselves better.

    他の人たちに比べて より回復力がある要因です

  • I'd started off as a medical conservative.

    人々を生き延びさせるような

  • I thought there were a few kinds of therapy that worked.

    メカニズムは何だろうか?と

  • It was clear what they were. There was medication.

    これを解明するため 鬱に苦しんでいる

  • There were certain psychotherapies. There was possibly electroconvulsive treatment,

    あらゆる人たちに インタビューを行いました

  • and that everything else was nonsense.

    最初にインタビューの対象になった人は

  • But then I discovered something.

    うつ病を

  • If you have brain cancer, and you say that standing on your head for 20 minutes every morning

    ゆっくり死を迎える病気だと 表現していました

  • makes you feel better. It may make you feel better, but you still have brain cancer,

    これを早い段階で 聞けて良かったです

  • and you'll still probably die from it.

    というのも

  • But if you say that you have depression,

    ゆっくり死に向かうということは

  • and standing on your head for 20 minutes every day makes you feel better,

    実際に死に導かれているということで

  • then it's worked, because depression is an illness of how you feel,

    重大な問題です

  • and if you feel better, then you are effectively not depressed anymore.

    これが世界規模で まん延し

  • So I became much more tolerant of the vast world of alternative treatments.

    毎日 多くの人たちが命を絶っているのです

  • And I get letters, I get hundreds of letters from people writing to tell me about what's worked for them.

    私が話を伺った方の1人で

  • Someone was asking me backstage today about meditation.

    理解しようと努めた人は

  • My favorite of the letters that I got was the one that came from a woman

    大好きな友達で

  • who wrote and said that she had tried therapy, medication.

    旧知の友でした

  • She had tried pretty much everything, and she had found a solution and hoped I would tell the world,

    彼女は大学1年の時 精神病エピソードという

  • and that was making little things from yarn.

    一過性の精神障害をきたしたことで

  • She sent me some of them, and I'm not wearing them right now.

    酷いうつ状態に陥りました

  • I suggested to her that she also should look up obsessive compulsive disorder in the DSM.

    双極性障害でした

  • And yet, when I went to look at alternative treatments, I also gained perspective on other treatments.

    当時は躁鬱病として 知られていました

  • I went through a tribal exorcism in Senegal that involved a great deal of ram's blood

    長年に渡るリチウム投与の後

  • and that I'm not going to detail right now, but a few years afterwards I was in Rwanda,

    回復の兆しが見えたので

  • working on a different project, and I happened to describe my experience to someone,

    ついに

  • and he said, "Well, that's West Africa, and we're in East Africa,

    リチウムを断って

  • and our rituals are in some ways very different,

    どんな具合か見てみると

  • but we do have some rituals that have something in common with what you're describing."

    別の精神病にかかってしまい

  • And he said, "But we've had a lot of trouble with Western mental health workers,

    私がこれまで見た中でも 最悪のうつ病に

  • especially the ones who came right after the genocide."

    冒されてしまいます

  • I said, "What kind of trouble did you have?"

    彼女は両親のアパートに座って

  • And he said, "Well, they would do this bizarre thing.

    強硬症患者のように 来る日も来る日も

  • They didn't take people out in the sunshine where you begin to feel better.

    じっとしているのです

  • They didn't include drumming or music to get people's blood going.

    数年後に 彼女に当時のことを聞いてみると

  • They didn't involve the whole community.

    ― 彼女はマギー・ロビンズという 詩人兼 心理療法士です ―

  • They didn't externalize the depression as an invasive spirit.

    私がインタビューすると こんな話をしました