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  • Male Speaker: The President, often criticized for his caution,

  • is now doing things his own way.

  • He's got a climate deal with China.

  • He's issued an immigration order; we'll see how far he can take it.

  • ♪ ( I love It song plays) ♪

  • (applause)

  • The President: Good evening, everybody.

  • Welcome to the White House Correspondents Dinner -- the

  • night when Washington celebrates itself.

  • (laughter)

  • Somebody's got to do it.

  • (laughter)

  • And welcome to the fourth quarter of

  • my presidency.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • It's true -- that was

  • Michelle cheering.

  • (laughter)

  • The fact is, I feel more loose and relaxed

  • than ever.

  • Those Joe Biden shoulder massages,

  • they're like magic.

  • (laughter)

  • You should try one.

  • Oh, you have.

  • (laughter)

  • I am determined to make the most of every

  • moment I have left.

  • After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me, "Mr.

  • President, do you have a bucket list?"

  • And I said, "Well, I have something that rhymes with

  • bucket list.'"

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Take executive action on immigration?

  • Bucket.

  • (laughter)

  • New climate regulations?

  • Bucket.

  • It's the right thing to do.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • And my new attitude is paying off.

  • Look at my Cuba policy.

  • The Castro brothers are here tonight.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Welcome to America, amigos!

  • Que pasa?

  • What?

  • It's the Castros from Texas?

  • (laughter)

  • Oh.

  • Hi Joaquin.

  • Hi Julian.

  • (laughter)

  • Anyway, being President is never easy.

  • I still have to fix a broken immigration system,

  • issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran -- all

  • while finding time to pray five times a day.

  • (laughter)

  • Which is strenuous.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • And it is no wonder that people

  • keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me.

  • I look so old, John Boehner has already invited

  • Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Meanwhile, Michelle hasn't aged a day.

  • (applause)

  • I ask her what her secret is,

  • she just says "fresh fruits and vegetables."

  • It's aggravating.

  • (laughter)

  • The fact is, though, at this point,

  • my legacy is finally beginning to take shape.

  • The economy is getting better.

  • Nine in ten Americans now have health coverage.

  • (applause)

  • Today, thanks to Obamacare,

  • you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance

  • if you lose your job.

  • You're welcome, Senate Democrats.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Now, look,

  • it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy.

  • Six years into my presidency,

  • some people still say I'm arrogant and

  • aloof, condescending.

  • Some people are so dumb.

  • (laughter)

  • No wonder I don't meet with them.

  • (laughter)

  • And that's not all people say about me.

  • A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I'm the worst

  • President of his lifetime.

  • Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney

  • is the worst President of my lifetime.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • It's quite a coincidence.

  • I mean, everybody has got something to say these days.

  • Mike Huckabee recently said people shouldn't join our

  • military until a true conservative is

  • elected President.

  • Think about that.

  • It was so outrageous, 47 Ayatollahs wrote us a letter

  • trying to explain to Huckabee how our

  • system works.

  • (laughter)

  • It gets worse.

  • Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted

  • that I would bring about the biblical end of days.

  • (laughter)

  • Now that's a legacy!

  • (laughter)

  • That's big.

  • I mean, Lincoln, Washington -- they didn't do that.

  • (laughter)

  • But I just have to put this stuff aside,

  • I've got to stay focused on my job,

  • because for many Americans, this is still a time of

  • deep uncertainty.

  • For example, I have one friend -- just a few weeks

  • ago, she was making millions of dollars a year.

  • And she's now living out of a van in Iowa.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Meanwhile, back here in our \ ation's capital,

  • we're always dealing with new challenges.

  • I'm happy to report that the Secret Service,

  • thanks to some excellent reporting by White House

  • correspondents, they're really focusing on some of

  • the issues that have come up.

  • And they finally figured out a full-proof way to keep

  • people off my lawn.

  • (laughter)

  • It works.

  • And it's not just fence-jumpers.

  • As some of you know, a few months ago,

  • a drone crash-landed out back.

  • That was pretty serious, but don't worry,

  • we've installed a new, state-of-the-art

  • security system.

  • (laughter)

  • You know what, let me set the

  • record straight.

  • I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at my side for

  • seven years now.

  • I love that man.

  • (applause)

  • He's not just a great Vice President,

  • he is a great friend.

  • We've gotten so close, in some places in Indiana,

  • they won't serve us pizza anymore.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I want to thank our host for

  • the evening, a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented

  • Cecily Strong.

  • (applause)

  • On "Saturday Night Live, "

  • Cecily impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin.

  • Which is surprising, because usually the only people

  • impersonating journalists on CNN are journalists on CNN.

  • (laughter)

  • ABC is here with some of the stars from their

  • big new comedy, "Black-ish."

  • (applause)

  • It's a great show,

  • but I have to give ABC fair warning -- being "Black-ish"

  • only makes you popular for so long.

  • Trust me.

  • (laughter)

  • There's a shelf life to that thing.

  • (laughter)

  • As always, the reporters here had a lot to

  • cover over the last year.

  • Here on the East Coast, one big story was the

  • brutal winter.

  • The polar vortex caused so many record lows,

  • they renamed it "MSNBC."

  • (laughter)

  • But of course, let's face it,

  • there is one issue on every reporter's mind and

  • that is 2016.

  • Already, we've seen some missteps.

  • It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as

  • "Hispanic" back in 2009.

  • Which you know what, look, I understand.

  • It's an innocent mistake.

  • Reminds me of when I identified myself as

  • "American" back in 1961.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Ted Cruz said that denying the

  • existence of climate change made him like Galileo.

  • (laughter)

  • Now that's not really an apt comparison.

  • Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun.

  • Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.

  • (laughter)

  • And just as an aside, I want to point out,

  • when a guy who has his face on a "Hope" poster calls you

  • self-centered, you know you've got a problem.

  • (laughter)

  • The narcissism index is creeping up a

  • little too high.

  • (laughter)

  • Meanwhile, Rick Santorum announced that he

  • would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend

  • or a loved one.

  • To which gays and lesbians across the country

  • responded, that's not going to be a problem.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Don't sweat that one.

  • (laughter)

  • And Donald Trump is here. Still.

  • (laughter)

  • Anyway.

  • (laughter)

  • It's amazing how time flies.

  • Soon, the first presidential contest will take place.

  • And I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch

  • brothers pick.

  • It's exciting.

  • Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush,

  • Scott Walker.

  • Who will finally get that red rose?

  • (laughter)

  • The winner gets a billion-dollar war chest.

  • The runner up gets to be the bachelor on the next season

  • of "The Bachelor."

  • (laughter)

  • I mean, seriously,

  • a billion dollars.

  • From just two guys.

  • Is it just me, or does that feel a little excessive?

  • (laughter)

  • I mean, it's almost insulting to

  • the candidates.

  • The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion

  • dollars to get folks to like one of these people.

  • (laughter)

  • It's got to hurt their feelings a little bit.

  • (laughter)

  • And, look, I know I've raised a lot of

  • money too.

  • But in all fairness, my middle name is "Hussein."

  • (laughter)

  • What's their excuse?

  • (laughter and applause)

  • The trail hasn't been easy for

  • my fellow Democrats either.

  • As we all know, Hillary's private emails got her

  • in trouble.

  • Frankly, I thought it was going to be her private

  • Instagram account that was going to cause her

  • bigger problems.

  • (laughter)

  • Hillary kicked things off by going

  • completely unrecognized at a Chipotle.

  • Not to be outdone, Martin O'Malley kicked things off

  • by going completely unrecognized at a Martin

  • O'Malley campaign event.

  • (laughter)

  • And Bernie Sanders might run.

  • I like Bernie.

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