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Are you a high performing athlete?
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Do you strive for excellence and test the limits of your own endurance?
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If so, you're the ideal candidate to drink our flavored solution of salt, sugar and water.
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If you're not an elite athlete,
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a regular diet of salted, sugar water may contribute to obesity or high blood pressure,
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but we'd still like you to drink it.
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As the elite athlete market alone is too small to support our business,
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a solution of salt, sugar and water
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is also helpful if you have a hangover,
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extreme diarrhea,
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or just wanted to feel marginally less guilty about drinking a soda,
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we promise our flavored solution of salt, sugar and water
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will temporarily satisfy
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your obsolete, caveman brain's insatiable desire for sweets.
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That's because it contains the same amount of
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sugar as a can of Coke and enough salt to kill a banana slug.
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And only Horton brand combines three secret ingredients
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with bitchin' flavor names for a placebo effect that you can taste.
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We also put words on the bottle
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that seem connected to the idea of health,
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but actually means sugar and salt
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words like electrolytes
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fuel
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power
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vitamin
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and cooldurance.
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I made up that last one.
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Anyway, here's someone running on a treadmill
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attached to sensors.
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This does an excellent job of illustrating
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the type of thing that is not part of our process.
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Most professional athletes today
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don't even drink salted, sugar water unless we pay them to.
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You'd think they wouldn't need
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the extra money
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but they've ruined their bodies for your entertainment
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and they must take what they can
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before their spine degrade into a fine powder.
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ahh, mehh
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Kinda chalky
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Horton flavored solution: salt, sugar and water.
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This year there's a purple one called Panther Rain.
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That's what I call a slam dunk
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And Roger with the pick! arghhhh
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I'm Roger, by the way.