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  • [music playing]

  • -Hey.

  • -Go burst your boils, Renfield.

  • I'm playing hid and seek with Vlad.

  • -Not anymore you're not.

  • You're mum's here.

  • -Good.

  • This is my kitchen.

  • Not a playground.

  • So get lost.

  • And take your bag with you.

  • ELIZABETH: I do miss my Graham when

  • he's away at these plumbing conventions.

  • -Ahh.

  • Really?

  • -Apparently today they're discussing

  • some very exciting innovations in-- whoops.

  • Oh.

  • I must get this fixed.

  • Would you mind?

  • Everything all right?

  • -Everything is practically perfect.

  • -No!

  • Let me. -Oh.

  • -Dad's all thumbs.

  • Oh.

  • Thanks Vlad.

  • You're such a sweet boy.

  • Come on, Robin.

  • We don't want to be late for dinner.

  • Bye.

  • -Dinner.

  • Just what I was thinking.

  • -Dad!

  • -Ah.

  • -What's this?

  • RENFIELD: Crunchy rice and cream.

  • -But where are the cockroaches?

  • They're the crunch.

  • Without them, it's just a couple of small rodents in cow juice.

  • -A thousand apologies Master.

  • -Stuff your apologies.

  • I want my cockroaches.

  • -They're gone, Master. Abandoned ship.

  • -You're a housekeeper who can't keep house.

  • Your cooking is disgusting.

  • And a dead badger would be better company.

  • Remind me.

  • Why do I put up with you?

  • -Well, because I'm cheap.

  • Please Master.

  • If you twist any harder, my ear's going to come off.

  • -He's right. Go on.

  • Just one more turn.

  • -I can't.

  • -Oh.

  • -I'm too weak with hunger.

  • I mean when am I going to get someone decent to eat?

  • -I think you mean something.

  • -I know what I mean.

  • I can't bear this hunger.

  • -I know it's hard.

  • But this peasant-free diet is really working for you.

  • Well, you've got less color in your cheeks.

  • And ah-- that pasty goth look's really in right now.

  • -Well, you know.

  • I've always been a handsome rogue.

  • It's this classic bone structure.

  • I can carry off any look.

  • You're lucky Vlad.

  • You've inherited it from me.

  • Shame.

  • -Go lie on a sunbed.

  • -Oh.

  • My poor stomach.

  • I want blood.

  • And I want it now.

  • -Cockroaches.

  • The basic ingredient for so many practical jokes.

  • ELIZABETH: Robin. Hurry up.

  • You're going to be late.

  • VAN HELSING: So

  • got planned for this weekend?

  • -Let me guess.

  • We're going to stake out the castle as usual.

  • Look for vampires as usual.

  • Find nothing as usual.

  • Go home and watch your Dr. Who DVDs as usual.

  • -Well, that's where you're wrong.

  • -Really?

  • -Your DVD's broken.

  • --I want to forget about vampires this weekend

  • and do something other fathers and sons do

  • like-- like fishing.

  • -Do you like fishing then? -I don't know.

  • Nobody's ever taken me.

  • -Ingrid?

  • You ah-- going to the school disco next week.

  • -They've begged me so I'm thinking about it.

  • -Right.

  • I you do go, is there any chance you'd ah--, you know,

  • forced possibly go with--

  • -Me. -Jog on loser.

  • I asked first.

  • -Only cause you tied me to the gate.

  • INGRID: Boys.

  • Boys.

  • There is no point in arguing.

  • I'd rather let a tarantula lay eggs in my ear

  • then be seen in public with either of you.

  • Now get out of my face.

  • -Oh.

  • -Yes.

  • Three more hours to go, then two whole days of no school.

  • -I kinda miss it.

  • -And people think I'm weird.

  • -OK if I hang out at yours this weekend?

  • Dad's desperate for blood.

  • It's be a disaster if any breathers get in his way.

  • -You worry too much.

  • What's the worst that can happen?

  • -Uh-- Hello?

  • What part of my Dad's a blood sucking

  • killing machine didn't get?

  • You're mum has to stay away, well away.

  • -Mr. Count.

  • Mr. Count.

  • Open the door.

  • My house is infested with horrible bugs.

  • You've got to help me.

  • THE COUNT: Of course dear lady.

  • Please come in.

  • -Oh thank you. Oh.

  • Thank you so much.

  • -Out of 10, how bad would it be if I just

  • got a message saying on no account

  • do we go home but go straight to the castle

  • where Mum is waiting for us?

  • -Oh, I love these games.

  • It's like, if you have to, who would you kiss?

  • A ferret or your nan?

  • Uh-- you Mum r-- really--

  • -Is about to get her veins sucked dry.

  • Come on.

  • Let's go.

  • -Hang on. -Robin.

  • -OK. OK.

  • I'm coming.

  • -I wonder why those three are in such a hurry.

  • -We don't care. We're going fishing.

  • -Yes.

  • But maybe just a quick--

  • -No!

  • Otherwise, I'll tell the headmistress

  • that you got [inaudible] to me 200 sling states

  • for their end-of-term woodwork project.

  • [scream]

  • -Mum.

  • -Hello loves.

  • I was just showing Mr. Count how I screamed when I discovered

  • our house is overrun with horrible, creepy crawly

  • cockroaches.

  • -Cockroaches?

  • -Can you imagine?

  • I just have to get out of there.

  • And there's no way we're going back

  • until Mr. Renfield's got rid of the lot of them.

  • -So where are you staying?

  • -Your dad said we could stay here.

  • He's such a wonderful neighbor.

  • -Oh yes.

  • -No.

  • There's no room.

  • -It's a castle.

  • -Uh-- wh-- INGRID: Look.

  • Will you two stop following me around

  • like a couple of love sick puppies.

  • Oh, great.

  • The whole stinking litter's here.

  • -We're staying the night.

  • Our house is infested with cockroaches.

  • -I know exactly how it feels.

  • RENFIELD: See what trouble you cause when you run away

  • from daddy, my little lovelies hmm?

  • I can't let the master down.

  • I have to find each and every one of you.

  • Then I'll be trusty old Renfield again.

  • [kissing]

  • -I really don't know why you both look so uptight.

  • I've been meaning to have Mrs. Branaugh

  • for dinner for some time.

  • -That's what worries me.

  • You make my best friends mum into one of ya,

  • and Dad, it's going to seriously affect our relationship.

  • -How 'bout a thought for the real victim here.

  • I'm the one has to put up with dumb and dumber

  • worshiping the ground I glide on 24/7.

  • Do you have any idea how tiring it is being adored all day.

  • -Ingrid. Ingrid.

  • I hate to see you so stressed about this when you

  • have so much more to worry about.

  • -Like what?

  • -While Renfield's away, you're going

  • to be responsible for his household chores.

  • Heh.

  • I've made a list.

  • -I don't believe you. You're evil.

  • -It goes with the fangs.

  • -Ohhh. VLAD: Dad, listen.

  • If the Branaugh's find out you're the big D,

  • it will be hello pitchfork wielding mob again.

  • Only round here it'll probably be baseball bats.

  • Promise me, you'll behave yourself.

  • -Mmm?

  • Oh, cross my heart and hope to live.

  • -Mmm.

  • Smells delicious.

  • -Oh. Rank.

  • Must be something round here we can eat.

  • -Hi boys.

  • -What have we done? -Nothing.

  • I've just been thinking.

  • Maybe I will go to the disco with one of you.

  • -Really?

  • -Who?

  • -Depends who wants it the most.

  • Right now, I've got a pile of ironing that needs doing.

  • The iron's in the kitchen.

  • -I can't believe we're going to spend

  • the whole weekend fishing.

  • Thanks Dad.

  • -Pleasure son.

  • -And you're not going to mention vampires or slaying.

  • -Slayers-- I mean scout's honor.

  • -Aren't you going to take your coat off?

  • -In a minute. A bit chilly.

  • -Open your coat.

  • -Yeah, but I--I'm--

  • -Now!

  • -How did that lot get there?

  • -I had no idea you'd provide me with such

  • a satisfying feast, Mrs. Branaugh.

  • Mmmm.

  • -Cooking dinner was the least I could

  • do seeing as Mr. Renfield's so busy down at ours.

  • -Honestly, that was the best cashakeeshka

  • I've eaten in centuries.

  • -Centuries?

  • -Oh, did I say that?

  • I meant it feels like centuries.

  • What-- what is the cashakeeshka?

  • -I found it in a Transylvanian cookbook

  • at the back of the cupboard.

  • It's salamander intestine stuffed

  • with buckwheat groats and pig's blood.

  • -Oh.

  • -Oh.

  • I think I'm going to be sick.

  • -I do love pig.

  • It's my second favorite blood.

  • -I know exactly what you mean.

  • -You do?

  • -Sheep's blood's got a much subtler taste.

  • I spent every summer on my grandmother's farm.

  • And she always cooked everything in sheep's blood.

  • Sore by it. Right.

  • Who's for pudding?

  • Cow's heart ice cream.

  • -Is there anything you two won't eat?

  • INGRID: Actually you're going to have to give pudding a miss.

  • The crypt's not going to sweep itself out.

  • -I'll do it Ingrid.

  • -No you won't .