[sniffing]

-Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

-, you're a wolf not cockerel.

Please try to remember that.

ZOLTAN: I'm sorry, Master Vlad.

Your father wants to see you straight away.

-Well, that doesn't sound very good.

Is he angry?

-No, he's not angry.

-Whew.

-He's furious.

He's been reading you're school report.

-But my report's good.

-Yes, that seems to be the problem.

RENFIELD: Vlad is a nice boy who is a pleasure to teach.

-Nice?

Nice!

You're a vampire, Vlad, and vampires are never nice.

Not even at Christmas.

-Dad, I'm not like you.

I can't do charming and deadly.

-No, but you can do pathetic and loser really well.

Face it, Dad, he's just not cut out to be a vampire.

Me, on the other hand--

RENFIELD: Ingrid is a born troublemaker who delights

in causing as much destruction to the class as possible.

-Oh, Ingrid.

Can't you see I'm busy with the future Count Dracula here.

-But I'm the eldest.

I want to inherit the title.

[laughter]

COUNT DRACULA: Mmm.

Countess Dracula.

-Countess Dracula?

COUNT DRACULA: That's a good one.

RENFIELD: That's a good one.

-Now Vlad, I want to wake up and smell the coffee.

Now promise me-- promise you'll try

harder to cause trouble at school.

-Yes, Dad.

COUNT DRACULA: That's my boy.

[sighs]

[paper ripping]

-Robin is moody and difficult in class.

He only cheers up when he's dissecting a frog.

Please, could you ask him not to do this during maths.

PAUL: Morning.

-Morning.

-Why the long faces?

-It's Robin's school report.

It's not good.

-Well, we can't all be child geniuses, Little Miss Einstein.

-Besides, how many GCSE's you need to be a grave digger?

-Ha.

Ha.

Shouldn't you two be up playing rugby

and getting badly injured?

-Come on, I'm hungry.

Race you to the muesli?

-Oh, Robin.

Why can't you be happy like Ian and Paul?

-They're not happy.

They can cursed.

-Look, Robin.

Mum and Dad just don't want you to end up on the streets,

having to beg people for money.

-And my Dad wants me to end up on the streets

making people beg for their lives.

-You just can't keep away, can you, Ingrid?

You're drawn to me like moth to a flame.

INGRID: Drop dead, Branagh.

If you think I'm going to stand back and watch you inherit

my castle, you're more stupid than he looks.

VLAD: Do you think I like being Count, Junior?

Dad's waited 600 years for a son and heir.

Would have made my life a lot easier if I was born a girl.

-You know you really shouldn't say that out loud.

INGRID: I'm going to show Dad why I should be his favorite.

I'm going to be the biggest troublemaker

this school has ever seen.

-Oooh.

Opening an umbrella indoors, that's bad.

You go girl.

VLAD: Dad's not going to be impressed by that.

[fire alarm]

-I stand corrected.

I'm wet.

-You know, your sister really is quite twisted.

I like that, though.

-Well, don't just stand there.

Turn it off!

[sigh]

-It wasn't us!

-Do the words red-handed ring any bells?

I'm suspending you two until further notice.

Looks like I'll be having a word with your father.

Won't that be nice?

-I suppose you think this is funny?

-Funny?

I think it's terrible what happened.

I mean, who could do such a-- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You look hilarious.

Wait until my dad hears about this.

-He won't have to wait very long.

Vlad's probably telling him as we speak.

-Vlad?

CHLOE: Van Helsing suspended him and Robin over the fire alarm.

They were in a lot of trouble because of you.

-No!

[party horns blowing]

VLAD: I'm guessing the school rang you then?

-Suspended.

Vlad, I knew you could do it, you young hell-raiser!

RENFIELD: Congratulations, Master.

I have baked a cake in your honor.

VLAD: You shouldn't have.

RENFIELD: It's chocolate.

And pig's blood.

[spitting]

-Really, you shouldn't have.

-Mmm.

Sweet and uh, tangy.

ZOLTAN: Ahem.

I have composed a poem to celebrate

your great achievement.

There once was a vampire called Vlad,

who was terribly naughty and bad.

He got suspended from school and learned to be cruel.

So now he can fang out with his dad.

-Huh.

This is ridiculous.

-Well, it probably needs a bit of work, but--

VLAD: I mean, this!

I don't want to be suspended.

I want to learn things.

I want to lead a normal life.

RENFIELD: Oh.

Cake, anyone?

I'll make a start on the washing up.

-Psst.

Don't leave me here.

-I am, uh, very disappointed in you.

ZOLTAN: I am sorry, Master.

I am just not good with family rows.

-Not you.

Him!

-I'll just be over here if you need me.

[whimpers]

-Oh, Dad!

You've got to stop creeping up on me like that.

-It's all part of the training, Jonathan.

A good vampire hunter never drops his guard.

You can't be too careful.

Could be anywhere.

JONNO: Oh, you mean that one behind you?

VAN HELSING: I'm serious.

You'll see.

I'll need your help, Major.

We're going slaying.

JONNO: You know, Dad, just for once it'd be nice if you said,

let's go bowling or let's go to the cinema.

-But slaying is fun.

JONNO: You call hiding behind some rocks

watching the castle all night, fun?

VAN HELSING: This is going to be different.

The time for watching and waiting is over.

Vlad has given me the perfect excuse to suspend him.

-So?

-Which gives me the perfect excuse to visit the castle.

We're going in.

-But, Dad, they're not vampires.

We've been watching them for weeks, and the only things

we've seen that bite are mosquitoes.

VAN HELSING: Sometimes, you have to go with your gut reaction.

JONNO: I know all about your gut reaction.

We share a caravan toilet, remember.

But, Dad, I'm not gonna let you slay that family.

-Oh, yeah?

Just try and stop me.

[music]

[popping]

-This is your new timetable.

VLAD: Nine a.m., fang hygiene.

Followed by double coffin maintenance.

[ding]

-And after lunch, it's hypnosis and flying.

VLAD: What about my friends?

If I don't go to school, I'll hardly see them.

COUNT DRACULA: We're vampires, Vlad.

A friend is just someone we haven't bitten yet.

-The Branagh's, Master.

Welcome, friends.

ELISABETH: It's terrible isn't it?

Vlad and Robin getting suspended.

-Terrible.

And I hate to think of all the lessons they're missing.

GRAHAM: So, you're teaching Vlad yourself?

COUNT DRACULA: Well, I don't like to brag,

but I am an expert on most things in life.

-Please, will you teach Robin?

He can't afford to fall behind in his school work.

He's doing badly enough as it is.

-Ah, thanks for the vote of confidence, Mum.

GRAHAM: I'm not sure that's a good idea.

These boys are obviously a bad influence on each other.

COUNT DRACULA: Bad influence, you say?

Hmm.

Leave him with me.

I'll see what I can do.

Hmm.

[scratching]

-I'm sorry to hear about Vlad.

-Why is everybody always so concerned about Vlad?

You sound just like my dad.

It's always, Vlad this, Vlad that.

-You've Vlad enough of it.

Heh.

I've heard there's a great film on at the cinema.

You should go and see it. You know, get out of the castle?

All of you.

The whole family, tonight.

-Is that your lame way of asking me on a date?

-No, I'm just trying to be helpful.

-Oh, you can help all right.

You can help get me suspended.

Now, look into my eyes.

Deep into my eyes.

-As you can see the sharp fangs enable the vampire

to bite into the neck of their victim and drain them of blood.

Ah, but be careful if they've just

been trampolining as it could be a bit fizzy.

Now you must be rather peckish after your hard morning study.

Renfield has prepared something special for you.

-Wow.

This looks posh.

Better than school dinners any day.

Mmm, yummy.

You've really outdone yourself this time, Renfield.

-Bon appetit.

COUNT DRACULA: Garlic.

Deadly to adult vampires but, well, harmless at your age.

-Harmless?

On a first date, these can be lethal.

-I want you to eat one so you're familiar with the taste.

Know your enemy, and all that.

Of course this doesn't apply to you--

this doesn't apply to you, Robin,

so you don't have to eat yours.

-Mm, mm, mm.

Not bad.

You should try some.

-This is all a dream.

I'm going to wake up and find I'm back in school.

-Eat.

VAN HELSING: Jonathan.