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  • [theme music playing]

  • RENFIELD: Master, no!

  • N-n-n-- sorry, Master!

  • -How many times have I told you, Renfield?

  • You feed me one more cup of tomato juice

  • and I will throw it in your face.

  • -Master, I--

  • -I don't want excuses!

  • I want fresh blood.

  • -I am sorry, Master, but the paper boy got wise to my traps.

  • -Dad, you promised to be careful.

  • Do I need to spell it out for you?

  • M-O-B.

  • -I am Count Dracula, not Spell Dracula.

  • -M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.

  • -I know that, but I'm bored.

  • Vladey, tomorrow you shall stay home from school

  • and entertain me.

  • Invite your village friends over.

  • We'll play murder in the dark.

  • -For the last time, no.

  • If you need entertaining, get a TV.

  • -You want me to stare at a glass box all day?

  • I'd rather be dead-- and I am.

  • And I love it.

  • No television and that's final.

  • -If we get to do evil stuff, I'll stay home with you.

  • -Well, it's settled.

  • I shall buy a television.

  • You, go barter with the peasants for their finest television.

  • And you, clear up this mess.

  • -Why can't Vlad do it?

  • It's because he's a boy, isn't it?

  • -No.

  • It's because he's my son.

  • He's my future, my hopes, my dreams.

  • He is--

  • -Going round to Robin's.

  • -Then I'm going, too, and you can't stop me.

  • -Fine.

  • Fine!

  • Just remember to polish my coffin when you get home.

  • -I can't believe you talked me into another vampire stake-out.

  • -We're slayers.

  • It's our duty to fight the forces of darkness--

  • -Shh!

  • They're coming out.

  • SLAYER: Off to commit evil deeds, no doubt.

  • -Or maybe they're just going to hang out with mates.

  • -What a great idea.

  • -Oh, no.

  • -You're in Vlad's class.

  • You must befriend him, gain his trust.

  • One day, the mask will slip and then

  • it's out with the garlic and stakes.

  • -You want me to invite him around for dinner?

  • -Sometimes, I think your heart just

  • isn't in the slaying business.

  • -O-of course it is, dad.

  • It's just that, well, what if I was

  • to try and get close to Ingrid, instead?

  • -I knew you were a chip off the old stake.

  • -Hey, Robin, do you want to smell my flower?

  • -Do I look stupid?

  • -Just play along.

  • We're trying to win "You've Been Shamed."

  • You could be on telly.

  • -Great.

  • I'm gagging to embarrass myself in front of my friends.

  • -How many times?

  • You haven't got any friends.

  • -Robin?

  • Your friends are here.

  • -Ingrid!

  • Knew you couldn't keep away.

  • -Ignore the freak.

  • we're going to make you a star.

  • -What do you mean "make"?

  • -You know the TV show "You've Been Shamed?"

  • -No.

  • -Uh, well, people make funny movies and send them in.

  • -The top prize is 1,000 pound.

  • -And we're going to win it with you as our leading lady.

  • -Have either of you two clowns ever made a movie before?

  • -We've been creating movies for years.

  • -Yeah?

  • -They mean they filmed our family holidays

  • on dad's crapped out old camcorder.

  • -Cinematic masterpieces.

  • -10 years of Branaugh holidays.

  • Merthyr Tydfil, [inaudible], oh, I forgot about this one.

  • Transylvania.

  • What?

  • -1994, holiday in Bistritz, Transylvania.

  • -That's just a few miles from our old castle.

  • -I don't remember going to Transylvania.

  • -Ah, it was years ago.

  • -Put it on.

  • Put it on.

  • CHILD (ON VIDEO): Dad said I could play with this, not you!

  • CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Yes, I can! [inaudible]

  • FATHER (ON VIDEO): Silly lads, it's not a toy.

  • CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Give me the camera, back, smelly--

  • MOTHER (ON VIDEO): Come on, boys, don't fight.

  • INGRID: Spielberg must be panicking so much right now.

  • -I can't believe I'd been to Transylvania and never knew.

  • You're so lucky to have lived there.

  • I'd give anything to switch lives with you.

  • That's it.

  • VLAD: What?

  • -You don't fit in to your family.

  • I don't fit in to mine.

  • I was in your village with I was a baby.

  • What if me and you were like accidentally swapped around?

  • -Look, I know you think you don't fit in,

  • but that's just because you're individual,

  • not because you're a vam-- a Vlad.

  • -It would explain a lot, though.

  • -Well, I'm convinced.

  • -When you moving out?

  • -Master, why don't you let me entertain you?

  • -Because I don't think I could survive yet

  • another hour of your Transylvanian twist.

  • -Hmm, are you sure?

  • Huh?

  • I've made a new sparkly leotard.

  • -Now, let's see what mindless trash

  • passes for entertainment these days.

  • Up a bit.

  • Left a bit.

  • Just right.

  • -Master, I think you should know that I am in agonizing pain.

  • -Perfect.

  • Hold it there.

  • -Fantastic.

  • You got the TV.

  • We're finally normal.

  • -No son of mine is normal.

  • Vlad, you're banned from watching this thing.

  • It'll turn you int a weak-willed, sheep-like native.

  • Ingrid, you can watch it if you like.

  • -I hope you get hooked on that breather box.

  • -It'll have no effect on me.

  • I am incorruptible.

  • Watch this.

  • Boring, boring, boring.

  • Hmm.

  • VLAD: Morning, dad.

  • Dad?

  • Good old blood-free toast, the perfect breakfast.

  • -Has he been watching TV all night?

  • -Looks like it.

  • OK, dad, I'm off to school.

  • Bye, dad.

  • Bye, Vlad.

  • See ya.

  • -I thought you were incorruptible.

  • -Shh!

  • Quiet.

  • Sheila is about to find out if Edna is really her daughter.

  • -Well doesn't she know?

  • -Of course not, you foolish girl.

  • She has amnesia.

  • DOCTOR (ON TV): Here are the results

  • of your DNA test, Mrs. Scott.

  • I'm sorry to tell you Edna is not your daughter.

  • -[gasp]

  • DOCTOR (ON TV): However, I am your son!

  • -Oh.

  • -Oh!

  • -Well, I didn't see that one coming.

  • -Of course not, because it's really far-fetched and stupid.

  • -Oh just go to school, Ingrid!

  • -I don't believe this.

  • You love that TV more than your children.

  • -Of course I don't.

  • I just love TV more than my daughter.

  • -[sigh]

  • -Have you eaten plenty of garlic?

  • -Yes, dad.

  • -Good.

  • And what do you say if she invites

  • you up to see her coffin? -[inaudible] Can I go now?

  • -Wait, wait.

  • I, uh, I got you these.

  • You're a slayer now, my son.

  • -Yeah.

  • Thanks.

  • -OK, how about this?

  • Bistritz beer festival, 1994.

  • My parents drink too much ale and push away the wrong pram.

  • That's possible, right?

  • -Umm.

  • -Just think about it, that's all.

  • -OK.

  • Can I stop now?

  • I'm starting to worry about you.

  • -Worry about yourself, snot.

  • -What have I done now?

  • -You made dad buy that TV.

  • Thanks to you, I'm now his third favorite.

  • -Oh come on, sis.

  • You know that's not true. You forgot about Renfield.

  • That makes you fourth favorite.

  • [laughing]

  • IAN: Ingrid!

  • -What!

  • -Uh, don't you want your homework?

  • -Oh.

  • Yeah, thanks.

  • I'm sorry I snapped.

  • It's just my brother.

  • He really bugs me.

  • -Uh, don't worry about it.

  • -Yeah, we understand.

  • -You do?

  • -Yeah.

  • -You have met Robin?

  • He's delusional.

  • He keeps going on about how he was swapped at birth.

  • -Shame he wasn't.

  • That'd solve all our problems.

  • -Yes.

  • Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

  • It really would.

  • Thank you.

  • I owe you. IAN: In that case--

  • PAUL: Will you be in our movie?

  • -Yeah, whatever.

  • -Safe.

  • -We'll see you later, then.

  • -Ingrid, um, uh, I couldn't help overhearing that you let

  • the twins do your homework for you.

  • -So tell the Head Mistress.

  • See if I care.

  • -Oh, no, th-that's not what I meant.

  • If you ever want something done probably, just ask.

  • -As if.

  • Actually, there is something you can do for me.

  • Meet me in the library after school.

  • Oh, come on!

  • You could have written The Lord of the Rings by now.

  • -What's the rush?

  • It's only homework, isn't it?

  • -It's kind of more like an evil plot to destroy my brother.

  • -Oh, OK.

  • Um, why?

  • -Well you see, with Vlad gone, I get the lot.

  • The castle, the coffins, my father's love.

  • -See?

  • You're not evil at all.

  • You just want your dad to understand you.

  • -How did you know?

  • -Believe me, I know what it's like.

  • -You know, I'm sensing a real connection here.

  • So it's a shame I've got to kill you.

  • -Wha?

  • Kill-kill me?

  • Why?

  • -It's a vampire thing.

  • Kind of what we do.

  • -You're a vampire?