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  • [theme music]

  • -Now fly into my arms.

  • Come on, fly!

  • Fly like a bat!

  • -Dad, this is stupid.

  • -It's not stupid, it's fun.

  • Now come on, every young vampire must learn how to fly.

  • -So why haven't you taught me yet?

  • -Oh, Ingrid, I've told you.

  • It's because you're a girl.

  • -Look, I've got to get to school.

  • -You did it.

  • You flew.

  • -Yeah, from the table to the ground.

  • -Oh, my son and heir.

  • Where's my money bag?

  • -Dad, for the last time, I can't-- believe it.

  • I can fly.

  • -You're not seriously giving him 10 pounds for that?

  • That's so unfair.

  • -Oh, Ingrid, darling.

  • I shall never understand this irrational jealousy

  • of my favorite child.

  • Now Vlad, let's see you flying from up there.

  • -What-- um--

  • -Yeah, come on.

  • Let's see you in action.

  • -I'd love to, but-- I better not be late for school.

  • Bye.

  • -I wouldn't be treated like this if mum was here.

  • -Well, she isn't, is she?

  • So tough peasants.

  • -Dad, what are you doing?

  • -Shh.

  • Vampire surveillance.

  • -Can't we give slaying a rest?

  • -No, we can't.

  • I know Vlad's a vampire.

  • I just need to prove it.

  • -No, what you need is help.

  • ERIC: Ow!

  • -Thank you, boys.

  • Just down here will be fine.

  • Not you, the bag!

  • Go on, scram!

  • -Oh, someone got out their coffin the wrong side.

  • -Ingrid, you're sulking.

  • Because I can fly, and she can't.

  • -You'll be flying out the window if you carry on.

  • -Oh, and, uh, by the way, mum says hello.

  • -Mum?

  • You've spoken to mum?

  • -Yeah, I've asked her to stay for a couple of days.

  • -You did what?

  • -Don't you want to see her?

  • -I'm sorry, which mum we talking about here?

  • Because I'm thinking of the back stabbing witch from hell one.

  • -Cool!

  • At least she sounds like a proper vampire.

  • I mean, you two haven't got a fang between you.

  • -Just you wait until I'm 16, Branaugh.

  • -Are you OK, Vlad?

  • -Why, shy shouldn't I be?

  • -Got you.

  • [crash]

  • Oh!

  • -So I carry the one and add up the columns, which makes 3,921.

  • -Correct.

  • -Wow.

  • I never realized doing homework could be so much fun.

  • -You're joking.

  • -I'd rather have my tongue pulled out.

  • -Oh, don't say that when mum gets here, Robin.

  • Wouldn't want to give her ideas.

  • -You really believe she's going to turn up

  • after all the times she's let us down?

  • Mum doesn't care about us.

  • She ran off with the a werewolf.

  • Get over it.

  • -Werewolf?

  • This gets better and better.

  • Is he coming too?

  • -Ignore her.

  • My mum is not coming to stay.

  • [door opens]

  • [wind blowing]

  • -Hello, darlings.

  • -Oh, is that the time?

  • Come on, Robin.

  • -Oh, mum, I've missed you.

  • I hate living with dad.

  • -There, there, don't cry.

  • No, really.

  • Don't.

  • It's a Sach.

  • And how's my little Vladdy?

  • Goodness.

  • Haven't you changed?

  • -Not that much, I haven't.

  • -Oh, Vlad.

  • I didn't recognize you.

  • -[coughing]

  • Who let the skunks out?

  • Oh, it's you, Mistress Magda.

  • -So you're still around, are you?

  • Take my case up to the spare coffin, serf.

  • I'll see you all at dinner.

  • Or for dinner, even.

  • -Your mum's awesome.

  • -Yeah, isn't she?

  • -Dad's going to be so pleased to see her.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Out!

  • -But Bunbun--

  • -And don't call me Bunbun.

  • Now go on!

  • Back to that manky dog you left me for!

  • -Well, Patrick and I have been having some problems.

  • -You just thought you'd come crawling back to me, eh?

  • -I thought I'd pop in for a drink and a chat.

  • I brought our favorite tipple.

  • -French Aristocratic, 1792.

  • Oh!

  • There's a spare towel in the airing cupboard.

  • But if I catch hide or hair of that werewolf,

  • you're straight out the door!

  • Psycho!

  • INGRID: Wow, that's beautiful, just seeing the two of you

  • back together.

  • -I am so over her!

  • Did you think there was a bit of chemistry there?

  • [organ playing]

  • -Is this your idea of a sick joke?

  • INGRID: They're mum's favorite.

  • -You know what I mean.

  • Dad's just going to end up getting hurt again.

  • -Dad, the cold hearted Prince of Darkness?

  • -Oh!

  • Ah!

  • These trousers are pinching a bit.

  • -What are you wearing?

  • -Hot stuff, eh?

  • If Patrick can pull it off, so can I. Ow!

  • -Dad!

  • You don't need to dress up.

  • Just be yourself.

  • You and mum were meant to be together.

  • -Yeah, until she left us.

  • -Stop being so negative.

  • Don't you want us to be a family?

  • -Not if she's going to leave us again.

  • And she will.

  • The last thing we need is another full grown vampire

  • roaming around trying to bite people's heads off.

  • -Oh, come on.

  • How many people have I attacked since we got here?

  • -Dad, we've had 11 different postmen.

  • -Master Vlad does have a point.

  • Hey, let's get rid of her.

  • I put garlic in her soup.

  • -Renfield.

  • Do you want these worms in your face?

  • -I-- I'd rather eat them.

  • Yaaaa!

  • Ahhhh!

  • -You hear that, Jonno?

  • Another innocent victim of the evil Count Dracula.

  • -You actually saw him bite someone?

  • -Yes.

  • Sort of.

  • No.

  • -Well, sharpen the wooden stakes.

  • The guy's clearly a vampire.

  • They're all vampires, Jonno.

  • There's even a mother vampire.

  • I heard it with my own ears.

  • -Dad, trust me.

  • I spend all day with Vlad.

  • I think Id know if--

  • -That's it.

  • JONNO: What is?

  • -Well, here's me doing all this secret surveillance

  • stuff when you're in his class.

  • Jonno, you are going to be my mole.

  • -Mole?

  • I'm not being anyone's mole.

  • I'll be your special agent.

  • -Hey, that's my boy.

  • Special agent, code name-- Mole.

  • -So, how do I look, Vladdy?

  • -Desperate?

  • -Fantastic.

  • -Mum's never going to come back and live here.

  • And why would you want the world's worst mum back anyway?

  • She's selfish, manipulative, and totally evil.

  • Hi, mum.

  • -Vlad, darling.

  • Why do you hate me?

  • -I don't hate you.

  • I just don't want us all to get hurt again.

  • I mean, how long are you going to stay this time?

  • -Well, that's down to your father, isn't it?

  • [organ playing]

  • -I know I've been a bad mother, but we all make mistakes.

  • I just wish we could be a family again.

  • -Well, dad's not falling for it this time.

  • Are you, dad?

  • -Oh, Magda!

  • -Oh, Bunbun.

  • -Welcome home.

  • [music stops]

  • -Right.

  • Now mum's back, I want Vlad's room.

  • -I think that sounds fair.

  • -Hang on!

  • Dad gave me that room.

  • Didn't you, dad?

  • -Oh, Vlad, just do as your mother says.

  • -But dad, it's me, your son and heir.

  • Vladdy!

  • You're not going to let them take away my room, are you?

  • I'm going to trash you next week.

  • It's called "My Mum's A Two-Timing, Blood Sucking

  • Vampire, And My Dimwit Sister's Asked To Live With Us."

  • -Vlad, get over it.

  • Mum's back.

  • -Yeah, course she is, until the next full moon

  • when she runs off with another werewolf.

  • -OK, firstly, that's not going to happen.

  • And secondly, I've got your room now.

  • Sucker.

  • -Right, that's it. I've got to get rid of her.

  • -Are Issue serious?

  • -Yeah, she'll ruin everything.

  • Dad's already thrown me out of my room.

  • -There are worse things that could happen.

  • -It's not just that.

  • She's done this ever since we were little.

  • Turns up, promises the world, then leaves.

  • I can't go through it again.

  • -OK.

  • It's a bit radical, but there is one

  • way you could get rid of her.

  • Remember what your dad was saying?

  • That if he found hide or hair of that werewolf,

  • Magda would be straight out the door.

  • -Mmm.

  • Nice idea, Chloe, but where we going to find werewolf hair?

  • -Uh-- uh-- I'm just going for a, uh, no!

  • -And then, of course we'll need a bigger coffin.

  • -Magda please.

  • I'm trying to sleep.

  • [howling]

  • What was that?

  • It sounded like a--

  • -Werewolf hair, all over the upstairs bathroom.

  • -What!

  • -I mean, I don't mind you sneaking your boyfriend in,

  • mum, but tell him to keep out of the plug hole, yeah.

  • COUNT DRACULA: Out!

  • -But Bunbun--

  • -Out!

  • Witch!

  • INGRID: Dad, please, just give her one more chance!