We had not planned to spend the night but did at the last minute. The only

available motel was an older place with

horribly soft old mattresses. From what I can figure out halfway through the night

while kind of curled up against the wall I slipped out

off the mattress and got wedged between the wall and the mattress.

I then had an apnea attack with inability to move or breathe which

sent me into some sort of cardiac failure. This is all conjecture and only

supported by the mild abnormality in my

EKG over the past year since. Whether I coded is

or not is really not at the heart of the issue

or my experience. There are tons of debates regarding what really happens

when you die

by both medical and theological theorists worldwide.

I can only relate what I experienced

I admit that even as I write it sounds like science fiction

but I can assure you that it happened and I believe it to be real

in every sense. Without trying to be overly dramatic the next events were

what I have found to be in subsequent studies a classic near-death experience.

I did not see myself in bed as the room was too dark but I was blasted through

an amazing tunnel

plasma? lights? not sure. A brightness that brought me even closer to an

unbelievable bright light

in what seemed like minutes regular time does not seem to apply.

I arrived in a place that was so overwhelmingly

bright and swimming with fluid colors of the entire spectrum

that I did not at first realize I was without my physical body.

Well I could see or least had a sense of vision

I could not see my hands. It was about this time that my experience was

significantly different

than others I have read. I realized what was happening and I was not happy about

it.

Almost immediately I started screaming in a voice that I could hear in my head

but could not physically perceive. I thought

no f'ing way! No I'm not finished yet!

I still have young children I've not seen my life

through yet. No damnit! I continued with a stream a verbal abuse of

anyone that was listening in a very profane language until I heard another

voice say "Okay"

"Relax, It's not your time." I knew at that moment

two very clear truths to be real. First I was not going to die yet

or stay dead if I was. Second there was a god

and an afterlife beyond our life on Earth. Then things got strange

interesting and terrifying. Unlike

other NDE experiences I've read about I did not see anyone or feel the presence

of Jesus or buddha or Alah

nor did I see a physical presence of any of my relatives that had passed before

me.

Although I had a feeling that they were there with me. What I

did see was a much brighter place perhaps thirty to fifty feet away

of course I had no real clear understanding of depth ratio

but seemed almost to pull at my heart to come closer.

I was awash with the complete feeling of peace, calm

and contentment whenever I looked in the direction of this portal

and yet I knew that moving into the portal would certainly mean that I was

not...

that I would not be able to return to my life on Earth.

Without speaking and yet speaking and understanding what was spoken to me

a conversation ensued the changed my life. "Your troubled" the voice said

"You need to know the truth about your life. It is holding you back from living

your life to the fullest"

I agreed without speaking. "You must understand the gift to be able to enjoy

and treasure the gift that you have been given." the voice said

At this time the voice was neither clearly male nor female.

I realize that does not make a lot of sense.

I knew that the communication was coming from all that is

all that was all that ever shall be. The voice was that of what I understood to be

God

and yet even then while thinking this it was evident that the entity knew what

I was thinking

and chastised me for doubting are trying to figure out

its very existence.

"In order to understand that which you feel you must understand

to be happy. You must first know

what you need to change in your life on Earth." the voice said

In an instant I was seeing my life in review

First of all the wonderful feelings that love had brought joy into my life.

I saw all the incredible events of my life when love the most powerful positive

force

in existence was most present in my life. Childhood memories, my first real loves,

the births of my children, the first time I knew I loved my wife more than I

loved myself.

I saw anything and everything associated with love in my life

flying past my eyes and filling my heart with the joy that

felt almost overwhelming in its scope

but then came the other side of my life. To my surprise I was not subjected to

all the lying and deceit that I would expect to see

from my youth or all of the sexual trysts and dalliances from my college days.

What was presented to me was explained to be the times that I had heard others

to such a degree as to make them doubt their self-worth

or their ability to love and be loved. Girls I had slammed and

disrespected in my college days. people who admired me

who had admired me only to be disrespected or even worse

ignored when they reached out a hand in friendship.

People that I could barely remember or hardly knew who had been harmed by my

cutting sarcasm and

smart ass wit. Worst of all

were the unkind comments and actions I had made to people I did not care about

and love. Callous remarks or actions that at the time seemed inconsequential.

My heart ached with each new revelation knowing that my actions seeming pride

and inconsequential at the time had

affected the outcome of so many lives.

It was immediately evident to me that the healing power of unconditional love and

respect could

be so easily subverted with even a single act of deceit

or abuse of trust. Like virginity once you have crossed the line thats never yours

to take back.

The changes are permanent all you can do is ask for forgiveness and move on.

It is that act of contrition forgiveness

that heals the soul. I knew this because I was

not presented with the acts that I had expected to see

I had not been presented with the memories of the acts that I knew were so bad.

They required me to seek forgiveness from a higher power

even in my least repentant days of youth.

The acts that were thrown into my face were those that seemed inconsequential and

trivial.

The thoughtless acts of impulse dismissed by my

cocky, self-assured attitude

that were "Not a big deal they'll get over it."

but even with this primary evidence in front of me the only question that remained

clearly in my head was why? what does it all mean?

what is this all about? and that my friends is where I made a mistake that

almost ruined my life

Upon hearing the question "Must you really know the answers to be able to

enjoy your life on Earth?"

I replied "Yes" In the next

instant I was blasted with a force of knowledge so powerful and so completely

overwhelming

that the biblical phrase "God smote him." became completely relevant.

In a blast of light and cognition I was suddenly faced with all of the answers

the answers to life the answers to death the answers to science and theology

and all of the amazing intricacies of the interaction between what is

what was and what always shall be.

I was filled with an overwhelming wonder that was overridden by a sense of

terror an inability to comprehend even the slightest nuance of this creation

and I was filled with a feeling of such unbelievable

inadequacy as to reduce anything I thought or felt or believed before this

time

into a single point of nothingnes.

In the next instant I felt the air scream from my lungs and I awoke

terrified in the darkness doubting anything that had happened

yet suddenly full of more intimate knowledge

innate knowledge that I could ever truly conceive all pounded into my brain each

fragment of knowledge

with a life of its own seeking to rectify itself with the larger questions

of scientific

existence and theology.

My wife awoke, asked what was wrong.

Terrified to speak of what I had just experience and more afraid of the

reality that I had just died.

I never doubted it from the second that I breathed life again.

I chose immediately not to concerned her as long as my heart seemed to beat

and I felt no physical effects. I realized to this day that this was not only

dangerous but created a breach of faith in our love for one another.

I just felt it the right thing to do at the time.

Looking back I wish I would have woken her, told her what had happened and

tried to help her understand.

As it is even today she seems to resent the fact that I

kept the experience a secret for a few months while I tried to work through what

had happened to me.

In the instance that I return from my little trip to the other side

as I affectionately call it I knew several things to be true.

First it was real, it happened I knew this

because of the onslaught of information that was coursing in through my mind.

Facts about things I had never studied or even had a remote interest in such as

physics, quantum mechanics the balance between positive and negative

energy and the correlation between digital

information good and bad in the world.

Additionally the societal conflicts between innate knowledge of what is

right

and mankind's equally innate need to qualify

to quantify his life with organizational structure of

what cannot be quantified all in a blast of

semi cognition.

Second my life would not be complete until I made sense of it all.

Third the very fact that the questions existed was a complete verification

of both my experience and

the very existence of something beyond this life

and then I blew it.

Consumed with a need to fit all the pieces together I started a quest that

would last almost two years.

I read everything I could get my hands on from Paul Davies and his theories of

time and space to

CS Lewis in his wonderful books that combine theology and

the basics of relativity into a concept that is both science

and God's Word. The more I read and studied the more I realized that

mankind is only on the very edge of understanding creation.

More important not only was every theory, ,every religion,

every concept ever devised comprehend the big question

entirely wrong but that the same theories concepts or religions were

entirely right

just a small piece of the ultimate answer.

For almost two years I was rendered almost completely without any other

purpose.

While I understood that being a husband and a father was important my quest to

understand why

actually kept me from fulfilling my roles.

Instead I tried to connect the dots all the dots

I was convinced that if I just connected the dots it

would all make sense like and enjoy and treasure my life if only

if only if only. . .

However, try to imagine connecting every grain of sand in the ocean

or every visible star in the universe. This is what my quest for the ultimate

knowledge entailed

bits of information that I was able to connect made perfect sense and

the big picture clear. Things like God

for lack of a better term is actually an entity of energy without beginning or

end made up of every bit of energy in the known universe in every dimension

yet unknown. Who we are is not the body that manifests in this reality on earth

but the life force of energy that is one with all energy

that is God. All religions are man made in an effort to try and understand

what cannot be understood. So we as humans feel that we are in some way in control

of our destinies on earth.

that we have the ability to decide between what is right

and what is wrong and act accordingly. Prayer is real

not because you ask for God to change things but because

in a state of meditative prayer especially with the power of others

directing their energy on the same thought you tap into the

ultimate power of all that is to change the physical manifestation

of things, people, outcomes, events

here on earth.

Everything on earth is created from the same subatomic particles

all with the connection to the same energy that is the cognitive

knowledge of all that is.

That these particles can change for the determination of the energy that makes

up everything.

Everything exists in a continual balance between the light and the dark

good and evil, positive and negative, on and off

even being reduced to a kind of digital code of zeros and ones in

constant flux and balance. The matter

that we don't see is as important to this delicate illusion

as the matter that we can see on and on

and on till I thought I would go mad trying to understand the gift I'd been

given.

It was killing me from within muddying up the clear cool waters of life

in such a way as to render everything I did as being inconsequential and without

meaning.