字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント The big event happened one night while we were visiting the Oregon coast. We had not planned to spend the night but did at the last minute. The only available motel was an older place with horribly soft old mattresses. From what I can figure out halfway through the night while kind of curled up against the wall I slipped out off the mattress and got wedged between the wall and the mattress. I then had an apnea attack with inability to move or breathe which sent me into some sort of cardiac failure. This is all conjecture and only supported by the mild abnormality in my EKG over the past year since. Whether I coded is or not is really not at the heart of the issue or my experience. There are tons of debates regarding what really happens when you die by both medical and theological theorists worldwide. I can only relate what I experienced I admit that even as I write it sounds like science fiction but I can assure you that it happened and I believe it to be real in every sense. Without trying to be overly dramatic the next events were what I have found to be in subsequent studies a classic near-death experience. I did not see myself in bed as the room was too dark but I was blasted through an amazing tunnel plasma? lights? not sure. A brightness that brought me even closer to an unbelievable bright light in what seemed like minutes regular time does not seem to apply. I arrived in a place that was so overwhelmingly bright and swimming with fluid colors of the entire spectrum that I did not at first realize I was without my physical body. Well I could see or least had a sense of vision I could not see my hands. It was about this time that my experience was significantly different than others I have read. I realized what was happening and I was not happy about it. Almost immediately I started screaming in a voice that I could hear in my head but could not physically perceive. I thought no f'ing way! No I'm not finished yet! I still have young children I've not seen my life through yet. No damnit! I continued with a stream a verbal abuse of anyone that was listening in a very profane language until I heard another voice say "Okay" "Relax, It's not your time." I knew at that moment two very clear truths to be real. First I was not going to die yet or stay dead if I was. Second there was a god and an afterlife beyond our life on Earth. Then things got strange interesting and terrifying. Unlike other NDE experiences I've read about I did not see anyone or feel the presence of Jesus or buddha or Alah nor did I see a physical presence of any of my relatives that had passed before me. Although I had a feeling that they were there with me. What I did see was a much brighter place perhaps thirty to fifty feet away of course I had no real clear understanding of depth ratio but seemed almost to pull at my heart to come closer. I was awash with the complete feeling of peace, calm and contentment whenever I looked in the direction of this portal and yet I knew that moving into the portal would certainly mean that I was not... that I would not be able to return to my life on Earth. Without speaking and yet speaking and understanding what was spoken to me a conversation ensued the changed my life. "Your troubled" the voice said "You need to know the truth about your life. It is holding you back from living your life to the fullest" I agreed without speaking. "You must understand the gift to be able to enjoy and treasure the gift that you have been given." the voice said At this time the voice was neither clearly male nor female. I realize that does not make a lot of sense. I knew that the communication was coming from all that is all that was all that ever shall be. The voice was that of what I understood to be God and yet even then while thinking this it was evident that the entity knew what I was thinking and chastised me for doubting are trying to figure out its very existence. "In order to understand that which you feel you must understand to be happy. You must first know what you need to change in your life on Earth." the voice said In an instant I was seeing my life in review First of all the wonderful feelings that love had brought joy into my life. I saw all the incredible events of my life when love the most powerful positive force in existence was most present in my life. Childhood memories, my first real loves, the births of my children, the first time I knew I loved my wife more than I loved myself. I saw anything and everything associated with love in my life flying past my eyes and filling my heart with the joy that felt almost overwhelming in its scope but then came the other side of my life. To my surprise I was not subjected to all the lying and deceit that I would expect to see from my youth or all of the sexual trysts and dalliances from my college days. What was presented to me was explained to be the times that I had heard others to such a degree as to make them doubt their self-worth or their ability to love and be loved. Girls I had slammed and disrespected in my college days. people who admired me who had admired me only to be disrespected or even worse ignored when they reached out a hand in friendship. People that I could barely remember or hardly knew who had been harmed by my cutting sarcasm and smart ass wit. Worst of all were the unkind comments and actions I had made to people I did not care about and love. Callous remarks or actions that at the time seemed inconsequential. My heart ached with each new revelation knowing that my actions seeming pride and inconsequential at the time had affected the outcome of so many lives. It was immediately evident to me that the healing power of unconditional love and respect could be so easily subverted with even a single act of deceit or abuse of trust. Like virginity once you have crossed the line thats never yours to take back. The changes are permanent all you can do is ask for forgiveness and move on. It is that act of contrition forgiveness that heals the soul. I knew this because I was not presented with the acts that I had expected to see I had not been presented with the memories of the acts that I knew were so bad. They required me to seek forgiveness from a higher power even in my least repentant days of youth. The acts that were thrown into my face were those that seemed inconsequential and trivial. The thoughtless acts of impulse dismissed by my cocky, self-assured attitude that were "Not a big deal they'll get over it." but even with this primary evidence in front of me the only question that remained clearly in my head was why? what does it all mean? what is this all about? and that my friends is where I made a mistake that almost ruined my life Upon hearing the question "Must you really know the answers to be able to enjoy your life on Earth?" I replied "Yes" In the next instant I was blasted with a force of knowledge so powerful and so completely overwhelming that the biblical phrase "God smote him." became completely relevant. In a blast of light and cognition I was suddenly faced with all of the answers the answers to life the answers to death the answers to science and theology and all of the amazing intricacies of the interaction between what is what was and what always shall be. I was filled with an overwhelming wonder that was overridden by a sense of terror an inability to comprehend even the slightest nuance of this creation and I was filled with a feeling of such unbelievable inadequacy as to reduce anything I thought or felt or believed before this time into a single point of nothingnes. In the next instant I felt the air scream from my lungs and I awoke terrified in the darkness doubting anything that had happened yet suddenly full of more intimate knowledge innate knowledge that I could ever truly conceive all pounded into my brain each fragment of knowledge with a life of its own seeking to rectify itself with the larger questions of scientific existence and theology. My wife awoke, asked what was wrong. Terrified to speak of what I had just experience and more afraid of the reality that I had just died. I never doubted it from the second that I breathed life again. I chose immediately not to concerned her as long as my heart seemed to beat and I felt no physical effects. I realized to this day that this was not only dangerous but created a breach of faith in our love for one another. I just felt it the right thing to do at the time. Looking back I wish I would have woken her, told her what had happened and tried to help her understand. As it is even today she seems to resent the fact that I kept the experience a secret for a few months while I tried to work through what had happened to me. In the instance that I return from my little trip to the other side as I affectionately call it I knew several things to be true. First it was real, it happened I knew this because of the onslaught of information that was coursing in through my mind. Facts about things I had never studied or even had a remote interest in such as physics, quantum mechanics the balance between positive and negative energy and the correlation between digital information good and bad in the world. Additionally the societal conflicts between innate knowledge of what is right and mankind's equally innate need to qualify to quantify his life with organizational structure of what cannot be quantified all in a blast of semi cognition. Second my life would not be complete until I made sense of it all. Third the very fact that the questions existed was a complete verification of both my experience and the very existence of something beyond this life and then I blew it. Consumed with a need to fit all the pieces together I started a quest that would last almost two years. I read everything I could get my hands on from Paul Davies and his theories of time and space to CS Lewis in his wonderful books that combine theology and the basics of relativity into a concept that is both science and God's Word. The more I read and studied the more I realized that mankind is only on the very edge of understanding creation. More important not only was every theory, ,every religion, every concept ever devised comprehend the big question entirely wrong but that the same theories concepts or religions were entirely right just a small piece of the ultimate answer. For almost two years I was rendered almost completely without any other purpose. While I understood that being a husband and a father was important my quest to understand why actually kept me from fulfilling my roles. Instead I tried to connect the dots all the dots I was convinced that if I just connected the dots it would all make sense like and enjoy and treasure my life if only if only if only. . . However, try to imagine connecting every grain of sand in the ocean or every visible star in the universe. This is what my quest for the ultimate knowledge entailed bits of information that I was able to connect made perfect sense and the big picture clear. Things like God for lack of a better term is actually an entity of energy without beginning or end made up of every bit of energy in the known universe in every dimension yet unknown. Who we are is not the body that manifests in this reality on earth but the life force of energy that is one with all energy that is God. All religions are man made in an effort to try and understand what cannot be understood. So we as humans feel that we are in some way in control of our destinies on earth. that we have the ability to decide between what is right and what is wrong and act accordingly. Prayer is real not because you ask for God to change things but because in a state of meditative prayer especially with the power of others directing their energy on the same thought you tap into the ultimate power of all that is to change the physical manifestation of things, people, outcomes, events here on earth. Everything on earth is created from the same subatomic particles all with the connection to the same energy that is the cognitive knowledge of all that is. That these particles can change for the determination of the energy that makes up everything. Everything exists in a continual balance between the light and the dark good and evil, positive and negative, on and off even being reduced to a kind of digital code of zeros and ones in constant flux and balance. The matter that we don't see is as important to this delicate illusion as the matter that we can see on and on and on till I thought I would go mad trying to understand the gift I'd been given. It was killing me from within muddying up the clear cool waters of life in such a way as to render everything I did as being inconsequential and without meaning.