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  • The big event happened one night while we were visiting the Oregon coast.

  • We had not planned to spend the night but did at the last minute. The only

  • available motel was an older place with

  • horribly soft old mattresses. From what I can figure out halfway through the night

  • while kind of curled up against the wall I slipped out

  • off the mattress and got wedged between the wall and the mattress.

  • I then had an apnea attack with inability to move or breathe which

  • sent me into some sort of cardiac failure. This is all conjecture and only

  • supported by the mild abnormality in my

  • EKG over the past year since. Whether I coded is

  • or not is really not at the heart of the issue

  • or my experience. There are tons of debates regarding what really happens

  • when you die

  • by both medical and theological theorists worldwide.

  • I can only relate what I experienced

  • I admit that even as I write it sounds like science fiction

  • but I can assure you that it happened and I believe it to be real

  • in every sense. Without trying to be overly dramatic the next events were

  • what I have found to be in subsequent studies a classic near-death experience.

  • I did not see myself in bed as the room was too dark but I was blasted through

  • an amazing tunnel

  • plasma? lights? not sure. A brightness that brought me even closer to an

  • unbelievable bright light

  • in what seemed like minutes regular time does not seem to apply.

  • I arrived in a place that was so overwhelmingly

  • bright and swimming with fluid colors of the entire spectrum

  • that I did not at first realize I was without my physical body.

  • Well I could see or least had a sense of vision

  • I could not see my hands. It was about this time that my experience was

  • significantly different

  • than others I have read. I realized what was happening and I was not happy about

  • it.

  • Almost immediately I started screaming in a voice that I could hear in my head

  • but could not physically perceive. I thought

  • no f'ing way! No I'm not finished yet!

  • I still have young children I've not seen my life

  • through yet. No damnit! I continued with a stream a verbal abuse of

  • anyone that was listening in a very profane language until I heard another

  • voice say "Okay"

  • "Relax, It's not your time." I knew at that moment

  • two very clear truths to be real. First I was not going to die yet

  • or stay dead if I was. Second there was a god

  • and an afterlife beyond our life on Earth. Then things got strange

  • interesting and terrifying. Unlike

  • other NDE experiences I've read about I did not see anyone or feel the presence

  • of Jesus or buddha or Alah

  • nor did I see a physical presence of any of my relatives that had passed before

  • me.

  • Although I had a feeling that they were there with me. What I

  • did see was a much brighter place perhaps thirty to fifty feet away

  • of course I had no real clear understanding of depth ratio

  • but seemed almost to pull at my heart to come closer.

  • I was awash with the complete feeling of peace, calm

  • and contentment whenever I looked in the direction of this portal

  • and yet I knew that moving into the portal would certainly mean that I was

  • not...

  • that I would not be able to return to my life on Earth.

  • Without speaking and yet speaking and understanding what was spoken to me

  • a conversation ensued the changed my life. "Your troubled" the voice said

  • "You need to know the truth about your life. It is holding you back from living

  • your life to the fullest"

  • I agreed without speaking. "You must understand the gift to be able to enjoy

  • and treasure the gift that you have been given." the voice said

  • At this time the voice was neither clearly male nor female.

  • I realize that does not make a lot of sense.

  • I knew that the communication was coming from all that is

  • all that was all that ever shall be. The voice was that of what I understood to be

  • God

  • and yet even then while thinking this it was evident that the entity knew what

  • I was thinking

  • and chastised me for doubting are trying to figure out

  • its very existence.

  • "In order to understand that which you feel you must understand

  • to be happy. You must first know

  • what you need to change in your life on Earth." the voice said

  • In an instant I was seeing my life in review

  • First of all the wonderful feelings that love had brought joy into my life.

  • I saw all the incredible events of my life when love the most powerful positive

  • force

  • in existence was most present in my life. Childhood memories, my first real loves,

  • the births of my children, the first time I knew I loved my wife more than I

  • loved myself.

  • I saw anything and everything associated with love in my life

  • flying past my eyes and filling my heart with the joy that

  • felt almost overwhelming in its scope

  • but then came the other side of my life. To my surprise I was not subjected to

  • all the lying and deceit that I would expect to see

  • from my youth or all of the sexual trysts and dalliances from my college days.

  • What was presented to me was explained to be the times that I had heard others

  • to such a degree as to make them doubt their self-worth

  • or their ability to love and be loved. Girls I had slammed and

  • disrespected in my college days. people who admired me

  • who had admired me only to be disrespected or even worse

  • ignored when they reached out a hand in friendship.

  • People that I could barely remember or hardly knew who had been harmed by my

  • cutting sarcasm and

  • smart ass wit. Worst of all

  • were the unkind comments and actions I had made to people I did not care about

  • and love. Callous remarks or actions that at the time seemed inconsequential.

  • My heart ached with each new revelation knowing that my actions seeming pride

  • and inconsequential at the time had

  • affected the outcome of so many lives.

  • It was immediately evident to me that the healing power of unconditional love and

  • respect could

  • be so easily subverted with even a single act of deceit

  • or abuse of trust. Like virginity once you have crossed the line thats never yours

  • to take back.

  • The changes are permanent all you can do is ask for forgiveness and move on.

  • It is that act of contrition forgiveness

  • that heals the soul. I knew this because I was

  • not presented with the acts that I had expected to see

  • I had not been presented with the memories of the acts that I knew were so bad.

  • They required me to seek forgiveness from a higher power

  • even in my least repentant days of youth.

  • The acts that were thrown into my face were those that seemed inconsequential and

  • trivial.

  • The thoughtless acts of impulse dismissed by my

  • cocky, self-assured attitude

  • that were "Not a big deal they'll get over it."

  • but even with this primary evidence in front of me the only question that remained

  • clearly in my head was why? what does it all mean?

  • what is this all about? and that my friends is where I made a mistake that

  • almost ruined my life

  • Upon hearing the question "Must you really know the answers to be able to

  • enjoy your life on Earth?"

  • I replied "Yes" In the next

  • instant I was blasted with a force of knowledge so powerful and so completely

  • overwhelming

  • that the biblical phrase "God smote him." became completely relevant.

  • In a blast of light and cognition I was suddenly faced with all of the answers

  • the answers to life the answers to death the answers to science and theology

  • and all of the amazing intricacies of the interaction between what is

  • what was and what always shall be.

  • I was filled with an overwhelming wonder that was overridden by a sense of

  • terror an inability to comprehend even the slightest nuance of this creation

  • and I was filled with a feeling of such unbelievable

  • inadequacy as to reduce anything I thought or felt or believed before this

  • time

  • into a single point of nothingnes.

  • In the next instant I felt the air scream from my lungs and I awoke

  • terrified in the darkness doubting anything that had happened

  • yet suddenly full of more intimate knowledge

  • innate knowledge that I could ever truly conceive all pounded into my brain each

  • fragment of knowledge

  • with a life of its own seeking to rectify itself with the larger questions

  • of scientific

  • existence and theology.

  • My wife awoke, asked what was wrong.

  • Terrified to speak of what I had just experience and more afraid of the

  • reality that I had just died.

  • I never doubted it from the second that I breathed life again.

  • I chose immediately not to concerned her as long as my heart seemed to beat

  • and I felt no physical effects. I realized to this day that this was not only

  • dangerous but created a breach of faith in our love for one another.

  • I just felt it the right thing to do at the time.

  • Looking back I wish I would have woken her, told her what had happened and

  • tried to help her understand.

  • As it is even today she seems to resent the fact that I

  • kept the experience a secret for a few months while I tried to work through what

  • had happened to me.

  • In the instance that I return from my little trip to the other side

  • as I affectionately call it I knew several things to be true.

  • First it was real, it happened I knew this

  • because of the onslaught of information that was coursing in through my mind.

  • Facts about things I had never studied or even had a remote interest in such as

  • physics, quantum mechanics the balance between positive and negative

  • energy and the correlation between digital

  • information good and bad in the world.

  • Additionally the societal conflicts between innate knowledge of what is

  • right

  • and mankind's equally innate need to qualify

  • to quantify his life with organizational structure of

  • what cannot be quantified all in a blast of

  • semi cognition.

  • Second my life would not be complete until I made sense of it all.

  • Third the very fact that the questions existed was a complete verification

  • of both my experience and

  • the very existence of something beyond this life

  • and then I blew it.

  • Consumed with a need to fit all the pieces together I started a quest that

  • would last almost two years.

  • I read everything I could get my hands on from Paul Davies and his theories of

  • time and space to

  • CS Lewis in his wonderful books that combine theology and

  • the basics of relativity into a concept that is both science

  • and God's Word. The more I read and studied the more I realized that

  • mankind is only on the very edge of understanding creation.

  • More important not only was every theory, ,every religion,

  • every concept ever devised comprehend the big question

  • entirely wrong but that the same theories concepts or religions were

  • entirely right

  • just a small piece of the ultimate answer.

  • For almost two years I was rendered almost completely without any other

  • purpose.

  • While I understood that being a husband and a father was important my quest to

  • understand why

  • actually kept me from fulfilling my roles.

  • Instead I tried to connect the dots all the dots

  • I was convinced that if I just connected the dots it

  • would all make sense like and enjoy and treasure my life if only

  • if only if only. . .

  • However, try to imagine connecting every grain of sand in the ocean

  • or every visible star in the universe. This is what my quest for the ultimate

  • knowledge entailed

  • bits of information that I was able to connect made perfect sense and

  • the big picture clear. Things like God

  • for lack of a better term is actually an entity of energy without beginning or

  • end made up of every bit of energy in the known universe in every dimension

  • yet unknown. Who we are is not the body that manifests in this reality on earth

  • but the life force of energy that is one with all energy

  • that is God. All religions are man made in an effort to try and understand

  • what cannot be understood. So we as humans feel that we are in some way in control

  • of our destinies on earth.

  • that we have the ability to decide between what is right

  • and what is wrong and act accordingly. Prayer is real

  • not because you ask for God to change things but because

  • in a state of meditative prayer especially with the power of others

  • directing their energy on the same thought you tap into the

  • ultimate power of all that is to change the physical manifestation

  • of things, people, outcomes, events

  • here on earth.

  • Everything on earth is created from the same subatomic particles

  • all with the connection to the same energy that is the cognitive

  • knowledge of all that is.

  • That these particles can change for the determination of the energy that makes

  • up everything.

  • Everything exists in a continual balance between the light and the dark

  • good and evil, positive and negative, on and off

  • even being reduced to a kind of digital code of zeros and ones in

  • constant flux and balance. The matter

  • that we don't see is as important to this delicate illusion

  • as the matter that we can see on and on

  • and on till I thought I would go mad trying to understand the gift I'd been

  • given.

  • It was killing me from within muddying up the clear cool waters of life

  • in such a way as to render everything I did as being inconsequential and without

  • meaning.