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  • (crowd cheering)

  • - Oh! I hope Sandra Bullock doesn't give them back.

  • (audience laughs)

  • (upbeat techno music)

  • - [Announcer] The following

  • is a presentation of HB.O Sports.

  • (upbeat music)

  • Fall has begun and the Tosh.0 team returns to the office,

  • rejuvenated after the off season.

  • (upbeat music)

  • - Tuck in your shirt!

  • (audience laughing)

  • - [Announcer] But not everyone on staff

  • has maintained peak physical condition.

  • Head writer, Nick Malice, has come to camp

  • 20 pounds overweight.

  • Tosh knows

  • he must handle the situation delicately.

  • - You are fat as (beep).

  • (audience laughs)

  • - [Announcer] Tosh wastes no time putting his staff

  • through its paces.

  • - Except for me, I'm sure you are all a little rusty.

  • So let's get to work.

  • - [Announcer] After four seasons

  • and countless internet videos,

  • the team struggles to find the right clips.

  • - We're never gonna use that on the show.

  • That's not for us.

  • No! Idiots.

  • No. Come on, up your game.

  • No!

  • Nobody cares about produce.

  • You know what? Send me that link.

  • - [Announcer] Improvement is needed

  • and Tosh's impossibly high standards

  • cause some to crack under the pressure.

  • - Let's go, keep going, dig, dig, dig,

  • write, write, write, give me something!

  • Come on, come on!

  • Dig deep!

  • (audience laughing)

  • There you go!

  • Write, write!

  • (upbeat music)

  • (audience laughing)

  • - Why are you guys coming forward?

  • Don't you know how to jog in place?

  • Come on, knees up.

  • - [Announcer] With tape day approaching,

  • Tosh attempts to motivate his team

  • with some inspiring words.

  • - Piss poor effort from every one of you excluding me.

  • If we do that next week, sons of anarchy

  • is gonna destroy us in the 18 to 24 male demo.

  • Is that what you want?

  • Is that what you want?

  • Then play like it matters.

  • Hit the showers.

  • (upbeat music)

  • (audience laughing)

  • (upbeat music)

  • - [Announcer] After a tense morning,

  • Tosh brightens the mood with some lighthearted hazing

  • of the rookie writers.

  • (audience laughing)

  • But things get serious

  • when it's time to make the first cut-off camp.

  • - Come on in, have a seat.

  • You know what this is, right?

  • We're letting you go.

  • Now this isn't the end for you.

  • - I gotta call my grandma.

  • (audience laughing)

  • - Call your grandma, weirdo.

  • - Hold on.

  • The problem is you write in cursive.

  • I don't like to read cursive.

  • No one likes to read cursive.

  • I'm gonna have to ask you to turn in your marker.

  • - It's been a pleasure working for you.

  • - Okay. You gotta go.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Where was this?

  • - [Announcer] With team morale at an all time low

  • and tension mounting, Tosh hits the studio early

  • for the final pre-season episode.

  • - And three, two, one.

  • - Welcome back to Tosh.0

  • - Perfect.

  • - Second string. Don't be too funny.

  • - [Announcer] Veteran backup host, Dom Herrera,

  • can't wait for his last shot at green-screen glory.

  • - Comedy Central doesn't feel

  • that I appeal to younger demographic.

  • Tell that to the 18 year old twins

  • I fingered last night.

  • (audience laughing)

  • - [Announcer] For Daniel Tosh, each new day

  • means a chance to improve.

  • Despite the fame, women, money, cars, men, world tours,

  • cartoon shows, Goldman Sachs accounts and designer dogs,

  • Tosh is still the last one out of the door each night.

  • It's the only way he knows.

  • (audience applauds)

  • (upbeat music)

  • - [Commentator] (indistinct) for his first (indistinct) win

  • since 2014.

  • (whistle blows)

  • - I got it, I got it!

  • (audience laughing)

  • - Could be worse.

  • She could have been at Baylor.

  • That's Ashley and if we go to the replay, we will see

  • that she did not have it.

  • This is what happens when you're on the sideline

  • at the Auburn LSU game

  • and you think you can share kickoffs

  • from a Lou Groves Award finalist.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (upbeat music)

  • We interrupt our normal hysterical show

  • with a "Tosh.0 sclusive".

  • (audience laughing)

  • I have just received an illegal copy

  • of New England Patriot's owner,

  • Robert Kraft's, sex tape.

  • (audience oohs)

  • Airing it will hopefully get me blackballed

  • from show business.

  • I've been told by my legal dream team

  • it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

  • So here it is,

  • for your Emmy consideration, the Robert Kraft sex tape.

  • - [Announcer] ESPN, with the express written consent

  • of the NFL,

  • presents the 30 for 30 documentary, "Ejacugate".

  • (audience laughing)

  • - Stunning charge, the billionaire owner

  • of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft,

  • - Caught up in a sex sting in South Florida,

  • - Soliciting prostitution,

  • - Robert Kraft paid a prostitute.

  • - Human trafficking,

  • - Paying for and receiving sex.

  • He was twice videotaped.

  • (audience laughing)

  • - A billionaire flew from Boston to Jupiter, Florida

  • to be jerked off by some 40 something woman

  • in a strip mall hours before the AFC championship game.

  • I can't even imagine the sick shit

  • he was doing before the (indistinct) round.

  • - Orchids is pretty filthy,

  • but it's the second nicest jerk shack in Jupiter.

  • Probably wouldn't go there

  • if it weren't so close to my favorite liquor store.

  • (speaking in foreign language)

  • (audience laughing)

  • - What this boils down to is human sex trafficking.

  • The New England Patriots support human sex trafficking.

  • - It is what it is. It is what it is.

  • - I've had it up to here!

  • Spygate, Deflategate, Aaron Hernandez,

  • Russell Wilson throwing the Super Bowl

  • and now Bob Kraft's rub and tug?

  • Boston doesn't want the Patriots anymore.

  • I hope he sells the team to OKC.

  • - He wore six rings and said things like,

  • "I'm the Patriot's owner Robert Kraft."

  • Which made it real easy to identify him.

  • - Because I'm a Dolphins fan,

  • people are gonna call me a hater.

  • You're right.

  • I hate human sex trafficking.

  • I also hate the people of New England,

  • but not as much as I hate human sex trafficking.

  • - Before the massage,

  • he insisted that the masseuse kiss his championship rings.

  • Bam, bam, bam! (beep) balls on that mother (beep)!

  • (audience laughing)

  • (speaking in foreign language)

  • - And I got to his office fully prepared to suck his (beep).

  • - Mr. Kraft wasn't able to achieve an erection

  • until the sex worker put on a Tom Brady jersey.

  • (audience laughing)

  • As I stated in my report, it wasn't a firm erection,

  • it was more like a raw chicken tender.

  • (speaking in foreign language)

  • - I am a season ticket holder.

  • So in a way I feel like

  • I have been paying for these hand jobs.

  • (speaking in foreign language)

  • - You don't wanna go in the room at the Robert Kraft.

  • No! It smells like something died in his balls.

  • - Human sex trafficking!

  • - I thank God we didn't get audio.

  • (audience laughing)

  • - It bothered me a lot more a long time ago.

  • Now after 17 years of it, I have healthy boundaries.

  • - The last 20 years have been forever tainted,

  • might as well give back the rings.

  • At least we got our chowder and the socks

  • down at the harbor with the wicked Matt Damon.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Sam Adams! Two!

  • - When you come to Florida, look at our alligators,

  • enjoy our space program,

  • but don't jizz on victims of human sex trafficking.

  • - I lost my family.

  • - I'll tell you who really got jerked off that day,

  • every young football fan.

  • I mean in a roundabout way, Bob Kraft jerked off children.

  • That's his legacy.

  • - [Announcer] Next week on 30 for 30,

  • what if I told you Mark Wahlberg

  • spent 45 days in prison for robbing and blinding

  • a Vietnamese man.

  • Derek Jeter presents, "Mark Walberg Did a Hate Crime."

  • (audience laughing)

  • - Did I mentioned humans sex trafficking?

  • When the real tape inevitably comes out,

  • I vow to air it every single week until I'm canceled.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (upbeat music)

  • (audience cheering)

  • - Oh! I hope Sandra Bullock doesn't give him back.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Now you know why they call them special teams.

  • (audience laughing)

  • No, he doesn't play for the Raiders.

  • He plays for the Las Vegas Cobras,

  • a semi-pro football team where you get none of the fame

  • and fortune, but all of the higher risk for Parkinson's.

  • (audience laughing)

  • If your job requires you to wear a helmet,

  • nobody should expect you to be mentally sharp.

  • He tackled his own teammate, big deal,

  • it's not like he shot himself

  • or a dog, or been a strip club bouncer,

  • or smoked a sticky icky icky.

  • Oh Ricky!

  • Or is Ray J's wiener cousin.

  • (audience laughing and clapping)

  • You have to be willing to forgive.

  • I don't care if they read at a fifth grade level,

  • if you can read a defense

  • and not blow my three game parlay,

  • you're okay in my book.

  • It's a violent game with serious consequences.

  • Playing football qualifies you for only three things

  • later in life, coaching football, analyzing football

  • or successfully murdering your ex-wife and her boyfriend.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Corey was just a kid chasing his dreams

  • in front of an announced crowd of 79

  • in a Vegas middle school.