字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント - Dude, those are my numbers, I won! Look I have the ticket right here. (ominous music) Crap, where's the ticket? I'm gonna teach people how to manifest winning the lottery the same way I did. Before I picked my numbers I said to myself, "If I continue to be this broke, I will (beep) lose my (beep)." (meditative Eastern music) And then the numbers just came to me. I'd prefer not to get the banks involved in this, so if you could just give me my winnings in hard cash, that would be great, preferably unmarked bills. I'm gonna buy all the stuff I wanted as kid, but my parents wouldn't get me, like a pony, an ice cream truck, a jet pack. Wait, have jet packs even been invented yet? If not, I'll just get two ice cream trucks. Quit my job just because I won the lottery? That seems pretty irresponsible to me. Given the rate of inflation, who knows if $400 million will even see me through retirement? I thought now that I'm rich and fancy, I'll start throwing lavish parties every weekend, you know what I'm saying, just like the Great Gatsby. But then I realized I was blowing through my money at a startling pace, so I think I need to tone it down a bit, be more like the Average Gatsby, the Adequate Gatsby, the So-So Gatsby. Now look, I know some of you family members are gonna come out of the woodwork and say, "Oh you promised you were gonna share the money if you ever won." But wait a second, I think we all know I never woulda said that if I thought I'd actually win. I had a better chance of getting struck by lightning while being eaten by a shark that was on a plane that was crashing. Aunt Hilda, you need money for what? A Brazilian butt lift? Why do you even want that at your age? Never mind, I don't wanna know, how much do you need? Wow, with this money I can support my imaginary future wife and our three children. Maybe the kids won't even have to go to state school for college. (sniffs) I'm so happy for them. Let's see, should I take my winnings as a lump sum now, which will result in higher taxes and me getting less money overall, or should I take it as payments every year for the next 30 years? In other words, do I take a guaranteed jackpot now, or trust that the government will keep a promise to me for the next three decades? Ha, ha, ha, I made myself laugh there. You think I'm gonna stop at a couple hundred milly? Nah, buckle up boys, we're tryin' our luck in Vegas. I am now officially an eccentric millionaire, and I am done explaining myself and my quirks to you people. And yes, in case you were wondering, I'm gonna dress like this every day, thank you. Hey Sally, I know we haven't talked since middle school, but I just wanted you to know I'm very rich and successful now. Betcha feel bad about bullying me, huh? - [Sally] Why don't you use some of your money on therapy? - Well, maybe I will. I'll get a real expensive therapist. With all this money, I can finally stop saying, "I would write the next great American novel if only I had the time." I can actually just do it. No distractions, no excuses. (ominous music) (man breathes in nervously) I bet you all thought I would quit now that I'm rich, huh? Well, I did one better. I bought the company. That's right, you can call me "boss" now. Except for you, Timmy, you're fired. I've been thinking, it's great to win the lottery, but how messed up is it that one person can randomly win all of this wealth? Meanwhile, so many others struggle just to scrape by. Oh yeah, this is a new suit, though. It's pretty nice, right? If you wanna own some of these cool designs to wear on your own body, the link is in the description. You can be reppin' your favorite YouTube channel, which is this one. (upbeat country music) (man gasping loudly) (man laughs) Maybe the kids won't even have to go skate, skate school. Except for you, Timmy, 'cause you're promoted. I'm kidding, you're fired.