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  • - Dude, those are my numbers, I won!

  • Look I have the ticket right here.

  • (ominous music) Crap, where's the ticket?

  • I'm gonna teach people

  • how to manifest winning the lottery

  • the same way I did.

  • Before I picked my numbers I said to myself,

  • "If I continue to be this broke,

  • I will (beep) lose my (beep)."

  • (meditative Eastern music) And then the numbers

  • just came to me.

  • I'd prefer not to get the banks involved in this,

  • so if you could just give me my winnings in hard cash,

  • that would be great,

  • preferably unmarked bills.

  • I'm gonna buy all the stuff I wanted as kid,

  • but my parents wouldn't get me,

  • like a pony, an ice cream truck, a jet pack.

  • Wait, have jet packs even been invented yet?

  • If not, I'll just get two ice cream trucks.

  • Quit my job just because I won the lottery?

  • That seems pretty irresponsible to me.

  • Given the rate of inflation,

  • who knows if $400 million

  • will even see me through retirement?

  • I thought now that I'm rich and fancy,

  • I'll start throwing lavish parties every weekend,

  • you know what I'm saying,

  • just like the Great Gatsby.

  • But then I realized I was blowing through my money

  • at a startling pace,

  • so I think I need to tone it down a bit,

  • be more like the Average Gatsby,

  • the Adequate Gatsby,

  • the So-So Gatsby.

  • Now look, I know some of you family members

  • are gonna come out of the woodwork

  • and say, "Oh you promised you were gonna share the money

  • if you ever won."

  • But wait a second, I think we all know

  • I never woulda said that if I thought I'd actually win.

  • I had a better chance of getting struck by lightning

  • while being eaten by a shark

  • that was on a plane that was crashing.

  • Aunt Hilda, you need money for what?

  • A Brazilian butt lift?

  • Why do you even want that at your age?

  • Never mind, I don't wanna know, how much do you need?

  • Wow, with this money

  • I can support my imaginary future wife

  • and our three children.

  • Maybe the kids won't even have to go

  • to state school for college.

  • (sniffs) I'm so happy for them.

  • Let's see, should I take my winnings

  • as a lump sum now,

  • which will result in higher taxes

  • and me getting less money overall,

  • or should I take it as payments every year

  • for the next 30 years?

  • In other words,

  • do I take a guaranteed jackpot now,

  • or trust that the government

  • will keep a promise to me for the next three decades?

  • Ha, ha, ha, I made myself laugh there.

  • You think I'm gonna stop at a couple hundred milly?

  • Nah, buckle up boys, we're tryin' our luck in Vegas.

  • I am now officially an eccentric millionaire,

  • and I am done explaining

  • myself and my quirks to you people.

  • And yes, in case you were wondering,

  • I'm gonna dress like this every day, thank you.

  • Hey Sally, I know we haven't talked since middle school,

  • but I just wanted you to know

  • I'm very rich and successful now.

  • Betcha feel bad about bullying me, huh?

  • - [Sally] Why don't you use

  • some of your money on therapy?

  • - Well, maybe I will.

  • I'll get a real expensive therapist.

  • With all this money,

  • I can finally stop saying,

  • "I would write the next great American novel

  • if only I had the time."

  • I can actually just do it.

  • No distractions, no excuses.

  • (ominous music)

  • (man breathes in nervously)

  • I bet you all thought I would quit

  • now that I'm rich, huh?

  • Well, I did one better.

  • I bought the company.

  • That's right, you can call me "boss" now.

  • Except for you, Timmy, you're fired.

  • I've been thinking, it's great to win the lottery,

  • but how messed up is it

  • that one person can randomly win all of this wealth?

  • Meanwhile, so many others struggle

  • just to scrape by.

  • Oh yeah, this is a new suit, though.

  • It's pretty nice, right?

  • If you wanna own some of these cool designs

  • to wear on your own body,

  • the link is in the description.

  • You can be reppin' your favorite YouTube channel,

  • which is this one.

  • (upbeat country music)

  • (man gasping loudly)

  • (man laughs)

  • Maybe the kids won't even have to go skate, skate school.

  • Except for you, Timmy, 'cause you're promoted.

  • I'm kidding, you're fired.

- Dude, those are my numbers, I won!

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B1 中級

宝くじに勝つ16の人格 (16 Personalities Winning the Lottery)

  • 6 0
    Mahiro Kitauchi に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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