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  • Walking home from that new Thai restaurant that just opened in town you suddenly feel

  • that dreaded twist in your stomach, the universal sign that a monstrosity of a poop is on its

  • way, and it's not the kind of poop you can hold in.

  • Why oh why did you ask for extra chilis in that Tom Yam spicy soup?

  • You run so fast to your house that if you'd have been seen you might have been picked

  • for the U.S. Olympic sprinting team.

  • You almost lose your stash at the door, now gripping those cheeks together with such force

  • you could crush a walnut between them.

  • Ohhhhh, what a relief as your load hits the pool and decorates that pristine ceramic receptacle.

  • Now at ease you pull out your phone and hit the Infographics Show, since there's nothing

  • better than animated fact-filled fun in the midst of post-poop ecstasy.

  • Something then happens to you that is arguably one of humanity's worst fears; something

  • so bad you'd spend a week stepping on Legos to prevent it happening.

  • You went to flush your giant load of spicy detritus down that hallowed hole and in doing

  • so your brand new iPhone slipped out of your hands and went with it.

  • That's a thousand dollar poo you just took, and suddenly you're not so concerned about

  • that ring of fire under your shorts.

  • Maybe it didn't go down too far, you muse, but before you investigate you have to clean

  • your Jackson Pollock-esque artwork off the porcelain walls.

  • First you look around for some rubber gloves and any bottle that has a skull and crossbones

  • on the label.

  • Ok, you say to yourself, you can do this, others have, so you can do it too.

  • The cleaning then commences.

  • Nothingyou reach inside that mysterious hole and you find nothing.

  • Your iPhone must have set sail, embarked on an exciting adventure into the underworld,

  • only you have no idea where that underworld leads.

  • For you the toilet is merely a bowl and once you've filled and flushed you've never

  • thought much about the rest of the operation.

  • For a second you feel a little bit guilty, slightly ignorant.

  • It suddenly hits you that that poop of yours, those thousands of poops you've done from

  • school to the workplace to the home, have been taken care of in your absence.

  • Philosophically you muse, there's another universe out there, dedicated to deal with

  • your dumps.

  • You also want that iPhone back.

  • You're pretty sure that for $1,000 bucks it's gotta be poop-proof.

  • If Steve Jobs were alive today he'd definitely have made all devices poop friendly.

  • So, how to follow the phone?

  • That's difficult given that you can't exactly get down that hole.

  • Ok, so that guy in the movieTrainspottingdid it, but that was just a moviethe scene

  • was surreal, it was symbolic, not real life.

  • Then it hits you.

  • If they can do that in the movies then The Infographics Show can do it in an animation.

  • Thankfully you have the phone number of the writer writing this script.

  • You go get your old phone and call him.

  • The conversation goes like this: Hi, Infographics writer, I'm a guy in one

  • of your plots and I'm wondering if you can make me really small so I can go retrieve

  • an expensive smartphone from the toilet and by doing so explain to viewers what happens

  • to poop.

  • Sure, I can do that for you buddy.

  • It'll be easy.

  • In writing we call something like this deus ex machina.

  • It's a plot device when something totally unexpected or unbelievable happens usually

  • to help the protagonist, in this case, you.

  • Thanks so much.

  • By the way, can you do a face reveal?

  • Good luck!

  • Byeeee.

  • All of a sudden you're just a few inches tall, but thankfully during that deus ex machina

  • the Infographics show writer has created a stairway of Lego bricks that lead to the edge

  • of the toilet seat.

  • At the bottom of the stairs there is a sign and it reads, “Stairway to HeavenYou

  • guess that smiley face is a bit sinister, and you're pretty sure that if there's

  • anything that glitters down there it's likely only toxic algae.

  • You climb to the top and there waiting for you is a miniature Scuba diving kit and so

  • you slip into that.

  • Ok, you think, time to take the plunge.

  • Three, two, one, jump

  • You're now submerged in the water.

  • Soon you find yourself inside something called a sewerage pipe and you swim with this downhill.

  • At the start visibility is fine, but then you find that this one pipe joins an even

  • bigger pipe.

  • Suddenly your world turns darker, and while you have a head lamp on, there's just so

  • much rubbish in front of you.

  • It's like navigating a meteorite storm except the stones are actually poop.

  • It's a pooperite storm, and it's not pleasant.

  • You can see that this big pipe is connected to all the pipes on the street, and from those

  • pipes you see thick brown water emerging mixed with tissue paper, that now wet, kind of looks

  • like translucent stained-brown jellyfish.

  • Some of it wraps around your mask and you wonder which neighbor's excrement you've

  • just got intimate with.

  • You are startled because this large pipe could fit a bus inside of it.

  • It's certainly a tunnel of gloom, a Hades of excrement and hair and God knows what else.

  • When you look up to the side you see rats scurrying around, nibbling on bits of food

  • waste that cling to the filthy walls.

  • How on Earth will you find your iPhone in all of this?

  • You daren't even go close to the side of the tunnel where a lot of waste collects,

  • since those rats could rip off your tiny head in an instant.

  • Maybe this mission wasn't worth a thousand bucks, you think, but there's no going back

  • now.

  • Sewers are like rivers, they flow one way, and swimming against a sea of poo would be

  • unthinkable, if not impossible.

  • There's no way you're going to take that mask off because you learned in school that

  • in this sewage water there are parasites, as well as all kinds of bacteria and viruses.

  • For a small man like yourself, this might be the most dangerous place on Earth.

  • The next words that flash through your mind are, “eat your heart out Bear Grylls.”

  • Would he do the sewer challenge?

  • Not likely.

  • You can just imagine him surviving on sandwichesthat's poop between two slices of wet tissue.

  • The entree of course is cold poop soup.

  • You keep swimming in this putrid water, trying hard not to get near the bottom.

  • The reason for this is, what lies at the bottom is a world of thick poop.

  • There's a sign on the wall with a picture of this mess and the words, “sewer sludge”.

  • Get stuck in the sludge and your cause of death will besuffocation by poop.”

  • That's not the way you want to go.

  • You're going to follow the water since you're sure your phone has been taken with it.

  • But as you're swimming down that tunnel you meet another guy that has also been shrunken

  • by the writer to make this show make sense, since at the start the writer said you knew

  • nothing about sewerage systems.

  • He takes off his mask and tells you that poop sludge and whatever else is in it, doesn't

  • just stay there.

  • That would be dangerous.

  • It would become very toxic.

  • He tells you if you want to know just how bad untreated poop sludge can get, just read

  • about theGreat Stinkin London in 1858.

  • This little guy explains to you that there's something called theactivated sludge process”,

  • which is basically a process in which microorganisms feed on the organic compound rich material,

  • namely lots of people's poop.

  • Then it's given more oxygen in what's called a mechanical aeration process and the

  • outcome should be cleaner liquid.

  • What's left can be dried out, and that dry stuff can be used as fertilizer.

  • He tells you, “What goes in, comes out, but in a way, goes in again.”

  • For a second you wonder if that makes you a “Coprophiliac” (poop-eater), but you

  • quickly brush that thought away.

  • The small guy notices your concerned expression and says smiling, “Waste not, want not.”

  • Anyway,” you say, “I have to get that phoneThanks for the educationand I promise

  • to check out the Great Stink just as soon as I'm big again.”

  • You swim and swim past more pooppast more ratspast rats covered in pooppast poop

  • covered in rats….

  • past people's poop covered in other people's poop.

  • Tissues, hairs, even a candy wrapper at one point gets stuck on your mask.

  • A few seconds later and a used opened diaper covers your face like that scene out of Alien.

  • This is nothing like that time you Scuba dived in the Maldives.

  • But then suddenly this dark world opens out into a much more pleasant looking pool of

  • water, and you see a sign that reads, “Sewage Treatment Plant.”

  • You manage to climb to the side of this pool and since you're so small no one can see

  • you.

  • You witness chemicals being added to the water, and you guess this is the treatment part.

  • You hear two guys talking, and it looks like it's one of the bosses explaining to a new

  • kid just how it all works.

  • He says that it takes days to clean the water, and after that, it might be released into

  • rivers or oceans, but you have got to be really careful because if it's not cleaned properly

  • it can pollute those rivers and oceans.

  • The guy says this has happened before, many times.

  • This guy explains that perfect cleaning is what happens at this plant, but he said at

  • some other places the treated water can be used in farms or factories, while some countries

  • will turn that stuff into drinking water.

  • After what you've just seen in that river of refuse, that foul and infested lair where

  • no man should ever go, all you can do is GULP.

  • The first thing you'll do when you're big is find out where sewage is turned into

  • the something you later drink.

  • You've come this far and you will stop at nothing at getting back your beloved iPhone.

  • You're a smart guy, and you know there must be a part of the facility where all the stuff

  • you shouldn't flush, the stuff that makes it past the sludge, will collect.

  • And then you see it, a giant grate where a bunch of things have collected.

  • You put the mask back on and start swimming towards the mound of junk.

  • When you get there you are startled, because when you take off your mask staring right

  • at you is a doll's head.

  • Just the head, not the body.

  • You start pulling items out of the pile, finding such things as a Justin Bieber action figure,

  • a bunch of used diapersthis makes you wretchtons of cigarette butts, sanitary

  • pads, enough dental floss to wrap around a small town, lots of plastic spoonsyou even

  • find a grill, a multicolored one, so you expect it was worn by Tekashi 6ix9ine.

  • In fact, there are dentures everywhere, but you've got a full set of teeth and you just

  • want that iPhone.

  • One thing you thought you'd find was about three million unwanted goldfish, or those

  • that had gone togoldfish heaven”, but there wasn't a fish in sight.

  • Finally, you see it, your iPhone, nestled between what looks like a half-eaten cat and

  • a gang of hypodermic syringes.

  • At your size, wrestling the thing out of the pile isn't easy, but eventually you get

  • it to dry land.

  • You clean it down with some dirty tissue and then by using your feet you call the Infographics

  • writer again.

  • RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING, RING….

  • You call again and again, now scared out of your wits that you'll remain this size forever.

  • What you don't know is that it's Friday and it's 5 pm and this Infographics Show

  • writer is really hungry.

  • His girlfriend is waving a bottle of quality wine at him and she's getting more upset

  • by the minute because he's been taking so long to write a show aboutabout poop of

  • all things.

  • Frankly, she's not impressed.

  • So, sorry buddy, it looks like there just isn't enough time to make you big again.

  • Maybe next time if I'm in the mood to employ a bit of deus ex machina I'll change you

  • back.

  • Adios chapo.

  • If you thought a show on poop was a bit painful to watch then we suggest to see how painful

  • things can really get, so have a look at this utterly macabre video, “Most Painful Things

  • A Human Can Experience.”, or perhaps you'd rather check out this other video instead.

  • Either way, click now!

Walking home from that new Thai restaurant that just opened in town you suddenly feel

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B2 中上級

実際にあなたのウンチはどうなっているのか? (What Actually Happens to Your Poop?)

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    Summer に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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