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  • I was in agony, absolute, total, agony.

  • Around me were hundreds, if not thousands of people, all of us intent on being some

  • of the first people to take a ride on Hagrid's Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure at Universal's

  • Islands of Adventure theme park.

  • I'd seen the sneak preview video and it looked amazing, like no other ride I'd ever

  • seen.

  • There was no way I was going to drop out of that queue, but the pain….

  • oh my God, the pain.

  • I felt as if I was holding on to a rising balloon, and if I just held on a little longer,

  • I could make it, but if my grip failed me, I would fall and die.

  • That's just a metaphor, but in reality I really was on the verge of death.

  • Let me explain.

  • First of all, you should know that I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, not just a fan of the

  • movies, but the books and everything else related to the magical teen and his band of

  • extraordinary buddies.

  • You're probably thinking that I'm just a kid, but you'd be wrong.

  • I was a kid when the first movies came out, but as some guys on the mean streets sometimes

  • say, “Once an addict, always an addict.”

  • When I heard about the new ride in Orlando I got in touch with another guy I knew from

  • the Harry Potter Fan Club Facebook page and we both agreed we'd try and get on the inaugural

  • ride.

  • The reason I picked him is because we both live in Florida, I'm in Tampa and he's

  • in Jacksonville.

  • We wouldn't have too far to travel, so the deal was made.

  • The plan was to get a hotel close to the theme park and the next day wake up well before

  • dawn and start queuing before the crowds came.

  • As you guys all know, you can have the best intentions in the evening and when you get

  • up in the morning you don't have the same amount of enthusiasm.

  • We were sharing a room and when that alarm clock went off at 3 a.m. we weren't in the

  • best of moods.

  • Maybe those few beers the evening before had been a bad idea.

  • Fortunately, the hotel had a 24-hour café and I sank two double espressos, followed

  • by a bottle of water, followed by a mocha Frappuccino to go.

  • My friend wasn't into coffee, he said it gave him anxiety, but I can tell you this,

  • soon after I'd downed those espressos I was good to go.

  • Since we knew we'd be standing in a queue for maybe a couple of hours we bought some

  • stuff from the convenience store and put the food, water and soft drinks in our backpacks.

  • What was surprising was the fact when we got to the park around 5 a.m. there was already

  • a stream of people lining up at the entrance to the park, all of them there for Hagrid's

  • Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure.

  • No kidding, we even met a guy who'd come all the way from England.

  • The dude was dressed in a wizard's cape and written on it were the words, “Potty for

  • Potter.”

  • He had to explain to me thatpottycan mean crazy in the UK.

  • The guy was kinda condescending about having to explain that to me, but I paid it no mind.

  • This guy was potty, there was no doubt about that, flying over the Atlantic for a theme

  • park ride.

  • He told me he'd read in the media that the experience was one of a kind, and the park

  • had spent $300 million on it.

  • He said some of his countrymen travelled the world to watch their stupid football teams

  • lose, so what he was doing wasn't all that crazy.

  • You mean soccer?”, I asked, genuinely.

  • What did I know?

  • NO!”, he said, shaking his head in disdain, I mean football!.

  • Jeez, I thought, I'm gonna have to spend the next few hours next to this guy and I've

  • already upset him.

  • After about an hour we saw more and more people join the queue.

  • It was hard to say how many because it wrapped around the corner.

  • In front of us I would guess there were about 300 to 400 people.

  • The time was now about 7 am so there were only a couple of hours to wait before the

  • park opened, but the thing was, I needed a pee.

  • I'd only had those small espressos and had barely touched my mocha Frappuccino, but I

  • still felt those first pangs of pee pain.

  • You know, the part where you're not quite sure that if you just hit the release button

  • for a second if something will come out.

  • At nine am we were allowed inside the park and to my surprise no one tried to jump the

  • queue.

  • Every single person was directed towards the ride, with some of us now inside the theme

  • park and from what I could see, a lot of others still queueing on the outside.

  • That made me feel quite proud that we'd made the decision to wake up so early.

  • The sun was now out and I was in a bit of a predicament.

  • I still needed that pee, well, I needed it more, but I was also thirsty.

  • Those beers the night before really had been a bad idea.

  • I decided I would just take a sip of some Coca-Cola rather than glug down water.

  • I'd later find out that this decision was a bad one, because sweet, soft drinks, like

  • the coffees I'd drunk, are what you call diuretics.

  • What are they, you might wonder.

  • Well, the answer is they promote something called diuresis.

  • Ok, so you're still in the dark about this.

  • The simple answer is they make you pee.... pee more than say, water.

  • Caffeine is like the king of diuretics, and I'd just had it in coffee and Coke.

  • I was really holding that pee in around the 10 am mark, about 5 hours into our queuing.

  • There were some helpful distractions, such as videos playing with some amusing words

  • from Hagrid, or pictures of the ride itself and the pretty amazing Forbidden Forest that

  • had been created.

  • Still, I was now in pretty serious pain.

  • At around the six-hour point I was standing cross-legged and slightly bent over.

  • This seemed to ease the pain, as if I was squeezing the tubes where the urine traveled

  • to meet its final destination.

  • What I would later find out after a bit of research was that at this point I was in danger

  • of weakening my bladder muscles, something which could harm my bladder for the rest of

  • my life.

  • In hindsight, this was the least of my worries.

  • Surely, we were close to getting on the ride, I hoped, and I just stood there looking like

  • a man who was slightly demented or had recently been in an accident.

  • My buddy had done the right thing and had just been taking small sips of that water,

  • but to be honest, in his excitement I don't really think he was that concerned about my

  • predicament.

  • I'd also later find out that the parts of my body that were helping me keep in this

  • pee, now probably a tsunami waiting to happen, are called urethral cylindrical sphincters.

  • These are great when you tighten them for a short while, such as when you don't want

  • a puddle of pee beneath you on a busy bus, but they are brakes, not doors, so they can

  • be worn out.

  • At the seven hour mark I couldn't overstate how much agony I was in.

  • I knew we were close to getting on the ride, so I held on for dear life.

  • That British guy heard me telling my buddy that I thought I was about to pee myself.

  • My friend laughed, but I can tell you, it wasn't funny to me.

  • My buddy said that if it was that bad just go find a bathroom and he'd hold my spot

  • in the queue.

  • You won't believe what happened next.

  • That British guy overheard this and said in no uncertain terms that if I left the queue

  • I'd have to start from the back.

  • He said he also needed a pee, but in Britain, he said, there's a thing called queuing

  • etiquette.

  • I think this guy thought he was special just because Harry Potter is British.

  • That, or he was just a xenophobic snob.

  • I can recall his exact words.

  • He said, “The reason we have queuing etiquette is because if we didn't there would be chaos.”

  • Queuing chaos doesn't work,” he said, and then went on about a time in the past

  • he'd had difficulty buying a train ticket in India and how he'd almost gotten into

  • a fight at a buffet where hordes of hungry Chinese people fought over shrimp.

  • He said he wasn't picking on me, only that if order broke down then order would cease

  • to exist.

  • Formal and orderly queuing,” he said in a patronizing way, “is the mark of a

  • civilised man.”

  • What a total jerk.

  • He told me that if I left the line he would make a complaint and say I had jumped the

  • queue.

  • What I really couldn't believe is that other people in the queue didn't get my back.

  • I guess one less man in the queue was good for them, and so they just kept quiet.

  • The words that went through my head were, “The milk of human kindness”, and then

  • I wished I hadn't thought about milk.

  • Gallons of it, pouring over pristine porcelain mountains.

  • At that moment my urethral sphincters almost called it quits.

  • I'll fill you in later, but I will tell you that I had already caused myself some

  • damage.

  • It was at about the nine-hour point that we were very close to the ride entrance.

  • I'd almost made it, but the problem now was the excitement I felt almost made me lose

  • concentration and loosen those muscles, and let all the urine flood out.

  • I had to concentrate.

  • Keep the door locked, I kept saying to myself.

  • Everyone was laughing and joking, taking selfies and looking in awe at the ride we were about

  • to go on.

  • I was undoubtedly the only man in that queue who did not have a smile on his face.

  • If anything, I grimaced, a kind of agonized grimace, like someone who's just won the

  • lottery and then been told they only have a week to live.

  • We finally got in the castle, but to be honest, I was in no mood for taking photos.

  • I was hardly even aware at this point if I was actually holding a pee in, it was like

  • I'd gone into survival mode.

  • It felt like my urine had become a hardened prisoner and my entire body now was some kind

  • of detainment unit.

  • The ride itself consisted of Hagrid's motorcycle with a side cart next to it.

  • I told my buddy that in the interest of me holding in this pee it might be best I take

  • the bike and he the side cart.

  • It was all about control, you see, I needed to feel in control.

  • That British guy was right behind me on the other bike, something he'll regret to this

  • day.

  • At something like 50 mph we drove past Fluffy the three-headed dog, and other such things

  • as Cornish pixies and a Centaur.

  • I didn't really care, I just wanted the experience to be over as quickly as possible.

  • This was turning out to be one of the most painful and pointless days of my lifeand

  • there would be consequences to come.

  • I thought I had it under control, even on the biggest descents and through the sharp

  • bends, but then there was a surprise drop and the heavens burst, the tsunami came, my

  • bladder roared as its doors were kicked down by a violent torrent of urine.

  • My pecker must have been flailing around like an out of control fire hose, hours of back-up

  • urine gushing from its spout like a great yellow geyser.

  • The pee was everywhere and it stunk.

  • It was old pee, neglected pee, and when it ejected from me it spread far and wide.

  • I looked behind me and saw that British guy wincing, looking utterly disgusted, his eyes

  • glaring into mine.

  • Was I embarrassed, you might ask.

  • No, is the answer, I was relieved, incredibly relieved, and almost ecstatic that my British

  • foe had tasted the vapors of an agony he had been an accomplice in creating.

  • I know guys, maybe I shouldn't have felt so overjoyed that someone had to experience

  • great wafts of urine vapor in their face.

  • But you know what, I paid for it.

  • I soon got my karma.

  • When I finally got back to Tampa after a pretty awkward farewell with my Harry Potter fanboy

  • buddy, I felt a stinging pain every time I went to the bathroom to pee.

  • After seeing a doctor I was told I had a urinary tract infection.

  • That could be cured he said, and told me he couldn't believe I'd done a 10 hour urine

  • hold.

  • If there are records, he said, I might have broken some.

  • The bad news, though, was that he said the damage done could be irreversible.

  • He told me that long-term bladder stretching could make it hard for me to pee in the future

  • and one day if I kept doing this kind of thing I might have to put a catheter into my member

  • and draw the urine out.

  • On the other hand, all that stress on my bladder could lead to incontinence, so holding in

  • even normal pees would be impossible.

  • I had some blood checks and my kidneys were functioning normally, but he said when you

  • do something as crazy as I did, kidney damage can occur as can the appearance of kidney

  • stones.

  • Just don't make a habit of enduring those marathons,” he said.

  • “A few minutes is fine, but holding on for hours isn't good for you at all.”

  • The one thing that really scared me is when he told me that the bladder can actually burst

  • when you hold in a pee as long as I did.

  • He said it was very rare, but it had happened.

  • When it does happen you can actually die.

  • He told me not to worry, though, because the cases he'd heard about all happened to people

  • who already had compromised bladders.

  • He said, like what happened to me, before the bladder bursts people will just pee themselves.

  • He said cases of healthy bladders just bursting are so rare that he doubted that could have

  • happened to me, but in the few cases it has happened, urine leaked into the abdomen and

  • when people didn't get straight to the emergency room they died.

  • The punchline to this story is that I could have actually told one of the attendants at

  • the park that I needed the bathroom and gotten the green light to go.

  • He would have made sure I got right back into the queue, despite what that British guy might

  • have had to say about that.

  • We can think of one really suitable match for this story, a video that might put you

  • off going to an amusement park ever again.

  • You'll know what we mean after you've seen, “The Worst Amusement Park Ride Disasters.”

I was in agony, absolute, total, agony.

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おしっこを抱っこしてはいけない理由 (Why You Should Never Hold Your Pee)

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    Summer に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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