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- Now listen, look guys, I know, I know,
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I am aware...
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that I must seem like a tough, cold, son of a bitch up here.
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In fact, the only time I've ever cried in public,
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in my entire life, was at my moms funeral.
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I might be a tough,cold,son of a bitch, but that doesn't
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mean I'm not also,
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one hell of an actor.
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(laughs)
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My mom was a depressed woman.
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My mom was a very depressed woman.
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My mom was so depressed, she had the words,
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"In case of an accident, please do not resuscitate"
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tattooed across all of her children.
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Let's say my mom's funeral was like ten,
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eleven years ago now.
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Last year, I had her body dug up...
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to settle a legal dispute with my siblings.
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Turns out I was wrong.
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That is illegal.
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(laughs)
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Now at this point I should admit my parents were actually
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pretty reasonable people when they were raising me.
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Unless, they found drugs in my bedroom.
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Then, they were high for days.
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I think the strangest thing in my family, my family
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was just weird about sex. You know? I was the oldest of five
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kids in a tiny little house. When my parents wanted alone
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time they would gather us together, say kids go play hide
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and seek, and they'd lock their bedroom door for an hour.
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Of course I always knew what was going on in there, I mean,
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I would hide in their room.
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My parents are weird about sex.
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I think the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire
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life, is the time my mom and dad caught me watching a
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hardcore bondage pornography,
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over their shoulder.
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(laughs)
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And I'll never forget, I'll never forget the first time I
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had sex. You know those stories you hear,
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about kids who lose their virginity to the hot babysitter?
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I was the babysitter.
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(claps)
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Yeah, I could've opened with that if I wanted to.