-Hey! How are you? -Thank you so much...

-Hello, James. -...for being on my show.

You know I love you. -I'm honored.

-Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-Thank you. And, by the way, I don't know

what you have on your lens, but you look fantastic.

Really. Is it the bleach injections?

Is the hydroxychloroquine -- What are you doing?

You could be a third Cuomo. Really.

-[ Laughs ] -Really.

And even though we're 2,400 miles apart...

[ Sniffs ] Wow. That is pungent cologne.

I'll tell you. That's -- That's strong.

English Leather I think. Or is it...?

I don't know which one, but it's pleasing.

But I watch you every night.

And you've been doing brilliant from-home shows, really.

But, you know, I will say that -- that you have a slide.

-I do. I have a slide in the house, yeah.

-That's just -- That's very odd.

Why is it that I feel that you sleep in a racecar bed?

Is that impossible?

-[ Laughs ] Who's telling?

-Or a bird's nest, a bird's nest where big birds fly in

and you go, "I'm just a little egg."

There's a youthful quality to you that's pleasing

and at the same time alarming.

-[ Laughs ]

Well, I like to keep people on the edge of their seat.

You know? That's what I do.

Marty, can I talk to you about what's going on right now

with everything? Obviously, the pandemic,

but then, you know, the protests and everything.

How are you dealing with everything?

-You know, I'm like everyone.

I just can't believe what I'm seeing, but I'm --

I'm also aware that this is a defining moment in history.

And even though we've been on

the precipice of great change in the past,

when I think of, like, Sandy Hook

and how we thought everything was going to change

with gun laws and nothing happened.

Even though President Obama had every parent

of those 20 children at the Rose Garden, and nothing happened.

I think this is different. I feel wildly optimistic.

And I have a sense in my heart that this time it really looks

like change might actually happen.

-Good.

-So I'm -- I'm feeling very positive.

-You've been -- You're in L.A. right now, right?

-I am. -Did you start there

in quarantine or did you end up there?

Where were you when -- -No, no.

Steve Martin and I were on tour in the United Kingdom.

-Really? -Yeah.

In March, President Trump got on and said, you know,

everyone had to leave in 24 hours from Europe.

And so we frantically, you know, got flights and got back.

We later -- You know, he left out that although

if you're in Ireland or the United Kingdom, that's fine,

or if you're an American citizen, but we didn't --

He forgot that part. -How have you been --

How have you been spending the time in quarantine?

Just a lot of...?

-I've been watching television, old reruns.

By the way, when did you replace Jay?

I've been so far behind.

I've been watching, again, old reruns.

I -- You know, I finally -- I saw the last episode

of "St. Elsewhere."

Totally surprised by that. Very moved.

And, you know, I started out this pandemic knowing nothing

about the Property Brothers,

and now I know that Jonathan is the spunky one.

-[ Laughs ] Ohh.

-The other thing I've been doing, which is hilarious,

is I've been photocopying --

You know, every time there's a --

something horrible that happens in Los Angeles,

like, a fire or something, I'm usually away.

And one of my kids says, "Dad, we're loading the car.

There's fires. What should we put in?"

And I was always say, "I guess old photo albums."

So while I was watching, you know, these old shows --

I'd never seen "Downton Abbey."

I watched six years of that -- or six seasons of that.

I started -- I got a photocopy machine,

and I've been taking old pictures starting from 1913 on,

transferring them to my computer, then I play with them.

I think, "Gee. Grandma looks tired there.

What if I got rid of her bags?" So I do that.

And then I put it in a file and think,

"Gee. Grandma looks kinda hot."

So I'm making people who died 50 years ago

feel better about themselves.

-This is a show right there. I'd watch this show.

-What have you been watching? What have you been watching?

-I love any reality show. I've been watching so much.

I've watched "Below Deck" and "Survivor" and any reality show.

I'm -- I'm just obsessed with it right now.

-Yeah, I don't -- I don't really

watch any reality television show.

But, you know, remember, I'm a reader, so it's different.

-[ Laughs ] I see. I see.

But I've tried to -- I've tried to keep busy.

Exercise. I started jump-roping.

-Really? -Yeah.

I think I'm going to bring back the jump rope.

-I would like to see that.

What are you wearing when you jump-rope?

-I'm completely naked. -Wow.

That must be the first time

you've felt having a small penis as an advantage.

-[ Laughs ]

-Not going to hurt anybody. -Yeah, yeah.

Well, I didn't want to tell you,

but what do you think I'm using for the jump rope?

-Ohh! -Ohh.

I miss hanging out with you, though, we did actually --

How great -- How wild was that Zoom call

that we were on, for real? -Oh, that was hilarious.

That was -- Tell them about the Zoom call.

-We -- Well, we have a mutual friend...

and he said, "Let's get some friends together," and --

So we can all just Zoom and just kind of try, you know,

get through the quarantine

and just talk about our stories and blah, blah, blah.

And I go, "Okay." So we --

I didn't even know that you were -- you were on.

No one knows who was going to be on it, right?

-No, no, no.

-So, here's my version of the story, because it's bizarre.

I did mine on an iPad,

so I could only see six squares on mine.

So mine's like a "Brady Bunch." That's all I can see.

I can't see everybody that's on the call.

-You had to hit "gallery." -I didn't know that.

-Well, you're young. You're young.

-I think it's different on an iPad or something like that.

For an iPad, you have to swipe it or something.

Anyways -- So I saw -- It was you.

I saw Sandler, Rock, Spade, Guy, and then -- I forget who --

And then you, but then everyone kept reacting to everyone.

"Hey, Leo! Hey, what's up, man?"

And I go, "Leo's here?" I don't see anyone.

I couldn't -- -It was insane.

Julia Roberts and Danny were there.

You know, Beck -- It was the most eclectic

famous Zoom in the history of Zooms maybe.

-You remember the first time we met?

-I do, vividly. We met in September of 1999.

And it was at the 25th anniversary of "SNL."

And they had a big, big, big show kind of like the 40th.

But it was the 25th. But everyone was in black tie.

And all humanity of celebrity was there.

And I remember Steve and Chevy and I

did a thing as the Three Amigos in our full Amigos costume

and kind of bombed, I remember.

Kind of bombed to the point that when I then took my seat back

in the audience, Billy Crystal said,

"Hey, Marty, when do you go on?"

-[ Laughs ] That's a good one.

-But I remember at the party afterwards, and, again,

it was a million people,

and every time Nancy, my wife, and I

looked over, you were kind of there like this.

You were like 23 or something. You just started.

-Yeah.

-And she said, "Should we invite that adorable puppy dog over?"

And I said, "Yeah." And you came over.

And you said, "Okay, so, let me say this.

You did a special called 'I, Martin Short, Goes Hollywood.'

If you say any line from it, I can say the next line

because I've seen it over 150 times."

-I mean, I wore -- I wore that tape out.

I would watch it every single day, at least 20 times a day.

It's so brilliant. I was freaking out to meet you.

-Yeah. And -- And then after that, we became friends.

-Yeah.

-Right away, I was struck by --

You had such an actual authenticity

about your enthusiasm toward people that you --

And it was very... -Well, I love you.

Do you mind sticking around for another segment? Is that okay?

-You know, I'm kind of jammed, um, but sure.

Let me clear some -- Let me clear out my schedule.

-More with Martin Short when we come back, everybody.