字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -You guys, this is fun. "Shark Week" is officially here. -Yeah. [ Cheers ] -And if you're excited about that, you're either a marine biologist or really high. [ Laughter ] I read that "Shark Week" started back in 1988. Yeah. It's been around for over 30 years. Even crazier, they've just been airing the same ten shows and nobody's noticed. [ Laughter ] Get this, every year there are about 80 unprovoked shark attacks. Yeah, 80 unprovoked attacks. Or as President Trump calls that, a weekend. [ Laughter ] -Yeah! [ Laughter and cheering ] -Actually, Trump loves "Shark Week." It's the one time he can tweet "I love great whites" without being called a racist. [ Audience "oh"s ] -Really? [ Laughter and applause ] -Speaking of the President, the other day he invited some reporters in to talk about how he might put a tax on French wine. Even though he doesn't drink, he still weighed in on what he thinks about French wine versus American wine. Listen to this. -I've always liked American wines better than French wines. Even though I don't drink wine. [ Laughter ] I just like the way they look. [ Laughter ] -After that, his staffers were like everyone on "Family Feud" after a teammate gives a weird response. They're like, "Good answer. Good --" [ Laughter ] Show me "Like the way they look"! [ Imitates buzzer ] Oh, sorry. [ Laughter ] It looks -- yeah. Some more political news. This week, there are two more Democratic debates and tomorrow's airs at the same time as "The Bachelorette" finale. -Ooh. -So no matter which one you watch, you'll see a bunch of sad guys going home in a limo. It's just -- [ Laughter ] No matter what. But everyone's getting ready for the next round of Democratic debates, which are this Tuesday and Wednesday. -Oh, man, that's great. I can't wait to see my favorite candidate, Eric Swalwell. [ Light laughter ] -You didn't hear, Tariq? Eric Swalwell dropped out of the race. He's actually the only candidate not returning to this round of debates. -Are you kidding me right now? -No, I'm -- I'm not kidding. [ Light laughter ] You liked Eric Swalwell? -Duh. Why else would I get all these shirts made that say "You can't --" [ Laughter ] "You can't spell 'America' without 'Eric'"? [ Laughter ] -I had no idea that -- [ Cheers and applause ] I had no idea that you liked him so much. I -- I -- -I thought everyone did. [ Light laughter ] Why else would I get all these shirts made... [ Laughter ] ...that say "We don't need a wall, we need a Swal"? -Yeah, yeah -- Well, I -- [ Laughter and applause ] I understand... it must be upsetting, but I'm sorry I had to break it to you like this. I mean... -Man, this is the worst. Now what am I going to do with all these shirts... [ Laughter ] ...that say... "All's swell that ends Swell"? [ Laughter ] -"All's well that's Swalwell"? -Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. -Well, these shirts are getting worse and worse. Tariq, how many shirts did you get made? -I mean, who cares? It doesn't matter anyway. I mean, who's even replacing him in the debate? -A guy named Steve Bullock. -Oh, man, really? I love Steve Bullock. He was my second pick. [ Light laughter ] -Please don't tell me that you -- -Which is why I got all these shirts made... [ Laughter ] ...that say, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still Steve from the -- Steve from the Bullock." [ Laughter and applause ] -All right, thank you very much. That's a pretty good one. Thank you. Tariq Trotter, everybody. Tariq, thank you very much. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheering continues ] "I'm still Steve from the Bullock." -Yeah. "From the Bullock." "From the Bullock." -"I'm still Steve from the Bullock." -Yeah. And he's got a bunch of rocks. -Some -- Some news from overseas. There are rumors that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have banned their neighbors from talking to them. -Ooh. [ Audience "ooh"s ] -Apparently the neighbors aren't even allowed to say "Good morning." -Oh. -Right now you're thinking that's rude, but you're also a little jealous. [ Laughter ] Check this out. I heard that soon Teslas will be able to stream Netflix on the car's center display. It's all part of Tesla's plan to cut down on emissions and pedestrians. -Oh. [ Laughter ] -Here's some good news from Washington. Democrats and Republicans just worked together to pass a bill that would block robocalls. I think it's the one thing -- [ Cheers and applause ] It's the one thing we can agree on, that robocalls are the worst. -You know what, it's funny, because I never get robocalls. -Well, you're one of the lucky ones, because they can be pretty awful. [ Phone vibrating ] -Oops, sorry. Getting a phone call right now. [ Laughter ] That's weird. It's my area code, but I don't recognize the number. -No, Higgins, that is a robocall. -No, clearly it's a local call. -No, no, Higgins, that's what they do now. That's -- -Probably one of my relatives from a random line because their phone broke, you know. -No, no, no. That's what they want you to think. -No, no, no. Here, I'll put it on speaker. You got the Steve. -Hello, this is a call regarding your computer's security. This is an emergency. -Whoa, good thing I answered. Huh, smart guy? -No, no, no -- No, Higgins -- -You must update your Social Security information immediately. -Well, of course. My Social Security is 9-8-7 -- -No, no. Higgins, Higgins, Higgins! -This'll just take a second. -No, don't -- It's 9 -- -Don't give them or America your Social Security number right now. That's crazy. -Dude, it's totally cool. That's why they call it "Social" Security. [ Laughter ] It's meant to be social. It's meant to be shared. -No, that's not -- That is not what it means, actually. That's not what it -- -No, that's what it means. No, you got a pen? It's 9-8-7 -- -Oh, my goodness. -...6-5-4-3-2-6. And thank you for looking out for me. -I can't believe you just did that. That -- it's a total scam. I mean, if you're not careful with these calls, someone's going to steal your identity. -[ Laughs ] Don't worry about it. Everything is fine. [ Laughter and applause ] You just -- just do your monologue. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] -What -- what are you swiping? -I'm on Tinder. -Ah, get out of here. [ Laughter ] Oh, this isn't good here, guys. A woman in Tennessee was staying at a Hampton Inn and she woke up when a snake slithered across her body. [ Audience "ooh"s ] Hampton Inn is defending itself. They were like, "Well, did our wake-up call work or not?" I mean -- [ Laughter ] And finally, you guys, I'm excited about this. Tonight on the show we have the winner of the "Fortnite" World Cup Championship... [ Cheers and applause ] ...Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf. He's just 16 years old and he won $3 million. [ Cheers, gasping ] Right now parents everywhere are going, "All right, put down your homework and go play video games."