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  • -Well, you guys, today is Cyber Monday.

  • Yeah.

  • All across the country, people spent the day

  • ordering a bunch of crap online in their underwear,

  • then remembered it was Cyber Monday.

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • -Seriously, Americans love Cyber Monday.

  • Mostly 'cause it's like Black Friday minus the cardio.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

  • But I feel like Cyber Monday has gotten way too commercial.

  • It used to mean something.

  • But now it's just about buying stuff.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is cool.

  • I saw that Forever 21 had a great Cyber Monday deal.

  • The entire store was 40% off.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Not the products.

  • You could actually buy a Forever 21 for 40% off.

  • I bought like three of them. -I bought two.

  • -Also, today, I saw that you could also get 20% off on Spanx.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • It's kind of cool. You get 20% off on Spanx.

  • And then Spanx takes 20% off of you.

  • -Oh. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -That's the way it works.

  • Of course, Amazon had all kinds of great deals on speakers,

  • cameras, smart TVs, voice assistants,

  • and a bunch of other stuff

  • that secretly records people having sex.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of Amazon, I heard that lately federal officials

  • have been cracking down on fake reviews on the site.

  • But the good news is,

  • you can usually tell when a review is fake.

  • Check it out.

  • For instance, here's a rapid egg cooker.

  • The fake review says, "Cooks 12 eggs super quick."

  • The real review says, "It's never been faster

  • to fill your home with egg stank."

  • -Nice. That's nice.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Egg stank. -Egg stank, yeah.

  • -Next up, here's a package of Christmas lights.

  • Fake review says, "A beautiful way to spread Christmas cheer."

  • The real review says, "You'll spend six hours untangling them,

  • nine hours hanging them.

  • Then you'll look for that one single light that's out

  • before saying screw it and converting to Judaism."

  • [ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

  • "I can't find it!

  • Now it's blinking. Now it's blinking."

  • Next up, here's a Hydro Flask water bottle.

  • Fake review says, "Keep liquids ice-cold."

  • Real review says, "Um, perfect if you're a basic VSCO girl.

  • Just don't get my color, bitch."

  • Ts-ts-ts-ts! And ooh.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Next, here's the Kindle Paperwhite.

  • Fake review says, "Way better for reading than an iPad."

  • Real review says, "With my iPad,

  • I keep getting too distracted to read,

  • as opposed to this, which I just never use."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Oh, it's not charged.

  • -And finally, here's a handheld clothing steamer.

  • Fake review says, "Great way to eliminate wrinkles

  • after a day at work."

  • Real review says, "Terrible way to warm up a crotch

  • after shoveling snow."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Can't trust every review.

  • That's right. It's the start of the holiday season.

  • Oh, Tariq, I've been meaning to ask you,

  • how was your Thanksgiving this past weekend?

  • -Small.

  • -Oh, nice.

  • Small Thanksgivings are always fun, intimate.

  • Did you cook the turkey yourself?

  • -Delivery.

  • -You got it delivered? That's cool.

  • Where'd you spend the holiday?

  • -30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10112.

  • That's Studio 6B.

  • -Wait, you were at work for Thanksgiving?

  • -Confirm.

  • -Did you see anyone from the office?

  • -Confirm!

  • -Who else was here?

  • -Same as billing.

  • Same as billing! -What? What?

  • -I'm sorry, Jimmy. What were you saying?

  • I was just ordering a panini maker from Bed Bath & Beyond.

  • I got 15% off and free shipping.

  • Happy Cyber Monday, baby.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Confirm!

  • -Thank you, thank you. Tariq Trotter.

  • Tariq Trotter again.

  • -[ Laughing ]

  • -Do you want to do confirm? -He's ordering more.

  • -Do you want to say "confirm" one more time?

  • -Confirm!

  • -Confirm. We got it.

  • Thank you.

  • And the Emmy goes to...

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • ...Tariq Trotter!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Oh, this is fun.

  • Earlier today, Melania Trump

  • unveiled this year's White House Christmas decorations.

  • And this year's theme was spirit of America.

  • Check it out.

  • Yeah. -Oh.

  • -That was way better than last year's theme,

  • Christmas meets "The Shining."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this -- But this is fun.

  • Melania used Scrabble tiles

  • to decorate the White House Christmas tree.

  • Check it out.

  • I like it. It says, "Be best."

  • President Trump also has a Scrabble ornament.

  • It says, "Witch hunt."

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • -Listen to this.

  • A new poll found that a majority of Republicans

  • think Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln.

  • But whether or not you agree, Trump actually has some quotes

  • that are very similar to Lincoln's.

  • I'll show you what I mean.

  • For example, Abraham Lincoln said,

  • "I've always found that mercy bears richer fruits."

  • While President Trump said,

  • "I've always found that red gummy bears are the juiciest."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Next up, Lincoln said, "Give me six hours to chop down a tree,

  • and I will spend the first four sharpening the ax."

  • While Trump said, "I once put both of my feet

  • into the same leg hole and tipped over."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, Lincoln famously said,

  • "Four score and seven years ago."

  • While Trump said,

  • "Seven years ago, I went to Scores four times."

  • [ Laughter, cheers and applause ]

  • Similar. -Yeah, very similar.

  • Very.

  • -Some entertainment news --

  • The new trailer for the next James Bond movie came out today.

  • [ Cheering ]

  • I'm not saying James Bond is getting old.

  • But in this movie, he and his Bond girl

  • just spend the night in bed watching "The Kominsky Method."

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • -You guys, New York got pounded with snow today.

  • It was crazy out there, right?

  • It was rough out there.

  • On the way to work, I walked by the Nuts 4 Nuts guy.

  • He asked me to help warm his nuts.

  • -Really? [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm not trained. I don't know how to do that.

  • The weather is so bad, travelers flying out of JFK and Newark

  • had delays between one and two hours,

  • while people flying out of LaGuardia

  • were given sleeping bags and told, "You live here now."

-Well, you guys, today is Cyber Monday.

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ホワイトハウスのアメリカ精神をテーマにしたクリスマス (White House's Spirit of America-Themed Christmas)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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