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  • -Hey, hey. All right. Thanks. Sorry. A little sluggish.

  • Really did it up last night.

  • I got to take it easy on the booze, you know.

  • My cousin's a doctor.

  • He thinks we should get rid of alcohol.

  • Said it kills 2 1/2 million people every year, which is sad,

  • but, I mean, think of how many people it produces.

  • Yeah. It's got to be like 3-to-1, you know?

  • If my parents didn't drink, I might not be here.

  • I'm definitely going to name my kids

  • after the substance that got them conceived.

  • "This is my daughter Tequila. This is my son Jager."

  • "What about the kid hugging your leg?"

  • "Ha! That's Molly."

  • Yeah, went out with my friend. He's gay.

  • We get along really well. He's gay, I'm broke.

  • I feel like poor people and gay people

  • have a lot in common, you know, right?

  • Both born that way. Yeah. Yeah.

  • Women just want to be our friends.

  • And when you finally tell your parents they're like,

  • "Yeah, we knew."

  • Yeah. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yeah, we were drinking that White Claw.

  • You guys ever touched -- Yeah, that stuff's --

  • It's too much.

  • I like White Claw because it sounds like

  • the new Marvel hero --

  • White Claw, you know?

  • Sounds like Wolverine's overprivileged nephew, you know?

  • White Claw's superpower would be showing up

  • to a wedding in flip-flops and driving his dad's boat

  • while hitting a Juul.

  • Yeah. I'm doing better, though.

  • I used to black out four or five nights a week.

  • I've cut back.

  • Now my phone is my main addiction.

  • Everybody goes, "Hey, phone addiction --

  • better than alcohol."

  • I don't know. Same side effects.

  • Both dangerous while driving, both what I go to

  • when I'm nervous at a party, and both have helped us

  • all sleep with very regrettable people.

  • Right? The phone is just the new booze.

  • Both are fun, but if you do it too long,

  • it just becomes depressing.

  • You know, you drink too much, you're like, "I hate myself."

  • You look at your phone too long you're like,

  • "Ah, even Jeff found love?

  • God!" Yeah.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.

  • It's too much. Too much. Yeah.

  • My biggest fear used to be the bar closing.

  • That was, like, my biggest fear.

  • Now my biggest fear is my phone dying, you know?

  • Which is pretty good.

  • 100 years ago, we had real problems.

  • "My baby's got the black lung.

  • She might not make it through the night."

  • I'm like, "I'm at 2%.

  • I might actually have to feel something."

  • Yeah. I'm hooked. Oh, geez.

  • Yeah, I actually carry a battery pack on me

  • now in case my phone dies.

  • That's insane.

  • That's like carrying a flask to fill up your empty flask.

  • That's where I'm at.

  • And I don't even know -- can you quit a phone?

  • You know, like, If somebody goes, "Hey, I gave up drinking,"

  • I go, "Good for you."

  • If somebody goes, "Hey, I gave up my phone,"

  • I'm like, "How did you get here?"

  • Yeah. The phone is ruining our lives.

  • It's bad.

  • You know, I was walking down Third Avenue.

  • I was next to a homeless guy. He was drunk. I was on my phone.

  • We were doing the same stuff, you know?

  • He's yelling about the government.

  • I'm tweeting at Trump, you know?

  • He's creepily staring at beautiful women.

  • I'm scrolling through Instagram, you know?

  • He's flashing everybody. I'm sending a photo of mine.

  • Yeah. I don't know. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yeah, we don't know how to connect anymore.

  • You know, my friend just got dumped, so I took him out,

  • tried to wing-man him, meet some ladies for him.

  • Didn't go too well. You know, he got upset.

  • He's like, "Screw this. Let's go to a strip club."

  • I don't get that logic.

  • You know, to me, that's like going fishing,

  • not catching anything, and being like, "Screw this.

  • Let's go to the aquarium."

  • It's the same thing. Yeah. Yeah.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, yeah.

  • The only difference is -- no one leaves an aquarium going,

  • "I tell you -- I think that flounder was into me.

  • That's one hot piece of bass." Yeah. Yeah.

  • I don't know. We'll figure it out.

  • I got to figure something out. I'm 35.

  • You know, I'm at the age where all my friends

  • are getting divorced.

  • And, yeah, it's tough.

  • I'm surprised people still want to get married.

  • That shocks me, especially younger people.

  • They're so against traditional stuff, you know?

  • But, yet, every lady I know is dying to get married,

  • which blows my mind.

  • Ladies, you've come so far, so much progress,

  • but, yet, when it comes to marriage,

  • you guys get very old-fashioned.

  • "I want the ring and the dress and the party."

  • What? Grow up.

  • Ladies, you're killing it. Go frolic, be free.

  • "But it's my special day."

  • All right. Why do you have to ruin mine?

  • I don't know.

  • But that's why you ladies are brilliant.

  • You gals are geniuses, ladies, because you guys tend to be

  • the ones who want to get married, yet, somehow,

  • you've designed it to where the man asks you.

  • That's some Jedi-level mind trickery right there.

  • Yes. Well-played. Right?

  • Genius, ladies. Genius. You're like Yoda.

  • "I want to get married, but you'll ask me."

  • Yes. You got it.

  • "And you'll get down on one knee."

  • No problem.

  • "And you'll buy me an expensive ring."

  • Will do.

  • "And whose idea was this?" All Mine.

  • Well-played, ladies. Well-played.

  • I don't know. Am I nuts?

  • Marriage just feels like the least-romantic thing

  • on the planet.

  • It's legal. Ugh!

  • Got to go to a courthouse, get a license.

  • What's the license for?

  • That's the only license we don't check, by the way.

  • Driver's license, liquor license.

  • People check a fishing license.

  • I'm gonna start checking marriage license.

  • Next time I see a short, broke, weird guy --

  • he's like, "That's my hot wife over there" --

  • I'm gonna be like, "Let me see some I.D."

  • Thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart. Thank you.

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Hey!

  • Mark Normand.

  • For more info, visit marknormandcomedy.com.

-Hey, hey. All right. Thanks. Sorry. A little sluggish.

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マーク・ノーマン スタンドアップ (Mark Normand Stand-Up)

  • 2 0
    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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