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-You just got back from traveling. Where were you?
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-I was all over the place, but for the last few months,
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few months leading up to the holidays, I was in India.
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-Yeah, you were in India. -Whoo!
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-What were you doing there? Can we say what you were doing?
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-I was -- I'm shooting a TV show,
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a new TV show for Apple. -Oh.
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-An adaptation of the novel "Shantaram."
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-Ah. And how -- It didn't really go --
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I mean, the shooting went well, and the project is great,
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but you didn't have the best time in India.
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-No, there were some challenges.
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I had a series of pretty significant health issues
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that, as they went on, seemed like
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a series of assassination attempts.
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I got a -- I got a lung infection
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which turns into a sinus infection.
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And then I got conjunctivitis in both my eyes.
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[ Audience groans ] Then I got an ear infection.
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Then I got strep throat, then a bacterial gut infection.
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And then I got bitten by a mosquito
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and contracted dengue fever.
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[ Audience exclaims ]
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-It is -- [ Laughter ]
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-Thank you. [ Applause ]
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-They should have put you in a box,
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and I had to touch you. I mean, wow.
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-It was kind of confounding, 'cause I kind of pride myself
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on having impeccable personal hygiene,
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but I think some of those things sometimes go against you.
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I think my immune system was too delicate
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because I'm too clean.
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-You're too clean, so you got to get out there and just start --
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-You got to roll around in the mud a little bit.
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-Yeah. -Yeah.
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-But you have a weird kind of history of almost dying.
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-I do. I do.
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This year particularly.
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It was a strange year.
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-Hopefully it's over with.
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-Well, we'll see.
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I mean, I had a mosquito in my room last night.
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-That doesn't count. That doesn't count.
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-But it's New York, and it's January,
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and I was on the eighth floor.
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-Think he's, like, a super mutant mosquito?
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-You know, I was worried, because I don't --
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I don't know the ins and outs of dengue fever.
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You have it for a period of time,
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but then the antibodies stay in your body, obviously,
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'cause you have to get tested,
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and that's the way antibodies work.
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And I wondered, if that mosquito bit me,
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does then that mosquito contract dengue fever,
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and then the next person who checks into that hotel --
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These are the things you got to ask yourself.
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These are the things that I stay up late night worrying about.
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-You're trying to save lives out here.
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-I am. You know, I'm doing what I can for the people.
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-[ Laughs ] Wow.
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-It was a weird year. It started off getting a --
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I went camping, and I got a deer tick that burrowed into my leg,
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and I did not contract Lyme disease,
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'cause I once had gotten a deer tick
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in the highlands of Scotland,
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which I didn't even know had Lyme disease,
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and I got Lyme disease.
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But I didn't get Lyme disease.
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But a very strange thing happened to me
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when I went camping a few months later.
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I went out looking for firewood one day,
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and it was end of the season. It was kind of picked dry.
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And so I was pretty far from my camp.
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And I was just wearing some sweatpants and a t-shirt.
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And there were three trees fallen into a triangle,
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and in those trees was a mother lode of firewood.
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So I said, "Alright, here we go."
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And I got up, and I was...
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crouched down like this picking up firewood,
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and all of a sudden,
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wham, like, a snakebite in the perineum.
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-Where's -- The perineum, where is that?
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-The perineum is that sweet piece of no man's land
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between the anus and the scrotum.
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-Okay. [ Applause ]
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-Alright, so -- -That is a suboptimal place
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to get bitten by a snake.
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-Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, a snake jumped out and --
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-So, I -- That's what it felt like.
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And I look down, and there was no snake.
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So I was trying to process what could have happened,
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and, bam, another shrill pain in my ass cheek.
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-Okay.
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-Then one in the back of my head,
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and then one under my armpit,
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and I realized I was under siege from yellow jackets.
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I'd kicked over a nest of yellow jackets.
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And as I was processing this angry swarm coming at me --
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Sorry. I'm very bad at microphone etiquette.
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As I was processing this swarm coming at me,
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I got stung about another 10 times in about 5 seconds.
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So I took off running, as any, you know, heroic figure would.
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I took off sprinting through the forest
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and ran for about a minute and a half
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and stopped to see what was happening
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and immediately bam, bam, bam,
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got stung about another five times.
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Now I'm starting to get really worried, you know?
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I don't know much about yellow jackets.
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But I assume 20 bites is probably -- or stings
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is probably reaching the threshold.
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-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.
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-So, I ripped all of my clothes off.
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I kicked my shoes off, and I took all my clothes off.
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-Yeah. -And then --
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And then put my shoes back on and continued sprinting
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completely naked.
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[ Women cheering ]
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And this is all true.
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I realized at that moment I was actually inside a nightmare,
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a recurring nightmare.
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I for many years had had this recurring dream that I was --
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a nightmare that I was sprinting for my life naked in a forest.
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In that moment,
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I was literally inside -- -Living --
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-I was living my recurring nightmare.
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-Oh, my goodness.
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-And I haven't had that dream since.
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So it was something of a prophecy or something, right?
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So I'm going to start --
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I'm going to start taking -- [ Cheers and applause ]
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I'm gonna start taking these dreams a little more seriously.
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-That is unbelievable. -Yeah.
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-So it was not a snake at all.
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-No. -But, gosh, that's awful.
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Did you have to go to the hospital?
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-I did, but I -- Well, you know, it's funny.
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I was very sick that day. And my -- I was with my girlfriend,
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and she went and got the park ranger.
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I mean, we were way out.
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And she went and got a ranger, and he came and looked at me.
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He said, "You're probably going to be okay."
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And I was sort of okay that day,
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and then two days later, I got very, very sick.
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And I spoke to my doctor, and he said,
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"You had probably so much venom in your system
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that your body starts to create antibodies to fight the venom."
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And then if I got stung again,
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because I have those antibodies in my system now,
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I could have a bad reaction.
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So I'm supposed to carry an EpiPen,
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but of course, I'm an idiot, and I don't.
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-Maybe you got superpowers for a day.
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-Maybe. -Like, maybe you --
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-They didn't do me much good in India, let me tell you.
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-No, that's true. [ Laughs ]
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I forgot about India. Never mind. Yeah.
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-So it was a strange year, 20--
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But we're in a new decade now.
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-Here we are. Yeah. -We'll see.
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-Oh, please. It's going to be the best year for you yet.