字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -There is so much going on right now. Guys, the House is drafting up articles of impeachment, North Korea is moving closer to a nuclear missile, and Russia is interfering in the U.K. elections. Let's see what President Trump is focused on. -People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. They end up using more water. -Yeah, that's right. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] During a business roundtable, Trump said that people are flushing the toilet 10 or 15 times because of low water pressure. Trump was like, "It's crazy. I take off the lid, I sit on the tank, I do my business, flush 10 times, and nothing happens." [ Laughter ] Sit on the tank? People in the room were like, "Maybe you're not jiggling the handle properly." He's like, "Read the transcript. it was a perfect jiggle." [ Laughter ] Let's just assume that people are flushing their toilets 10 or 15 times. Does that mean that people are telling the president of the United States about their flushing habits? [ Laughter ] Or Trump is asking about them? I don't understand. Like, "Forget about North Korea. How many times does it take for you to flush?" Trump was complaining about toilets, and he actually said that he's had to flush a toilet over 10 times. Well, it might explain this commercial I saw earlier today. Watch this. -Are you having trouble flushing your toilet? -People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times. -Then you need the Trump toilet. -Oh, my God! -The Trump toilet uses 25 gallons of water per flush. -Whoa! That's strong. -And it's got built-in Wi-Fi so you can tweet while you use it. -That's my dream. -And if you order now, we'll throw in a roll of toilet paper made out of the failing "New York Times." -It's going down the tubers. -So forget about saving water and get the Trump toilet. [ Cheers and applause ] -[ Chuckles ] Trump then spoke about his administration's effort to stop the production of energy-efficient light bulbs. Listen to why he doesn't like new light bulbs. -And we're doing other things -- the light bulb. They got rid of the light bulb that people got used to. The new bulb is many times more expensive. And I hate to say it, it doesn't make you look as good. Of course, being a vain person, that's very important to me. [ Laughter ] It gives you an orange look. I don't want an orange look. [ Laughter ] >> [ Whistles ] -In response, the light bulbs were like, "Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Uh, you're orange." Yeah, Trump thinks light bulbs make him look orange. -God. -Which means there's a decent chance Trump might not know the difference between a light bulb and a mirror. It's like... [ Laughter ] Today, the House Judiciary Committee held another impeachment hearing. Democrat Jerry Nadler said that a jury would convict President Trump in, quote, "Three minutes flat." Or in other words, the same amount of time Trump spends flushing a toilet. [ Laughter and applause ] [ As Trump ] "Eight, nine." [ Normal voice ] That's right, Democrats are being led by House chairman Jerry Nadler. Here's a picture of Jerry Nadler. Wow. [ Audience ohs ] Look at his pant -- I mean, you're laughing, but every grandpa is like, "I like his style." [ Laughter ] So, the Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee have been exchanging GIFs, G-I-F-S -- GIFs -- in a group text to lighten the mood of impeachment. Yeah, that might explain why the chairman opened today's hearing by saying, "In ermahgerd we trust." [ Laughter ] Before the impeachment hearing began, a lawyer for the Republicans made quite an entrance. Look at what he brought with him. [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Light laughter ] Yeah. [ Indistinct conversations ] Meanwhile, his wife is at the Whole Foods checkout with a briefcase full of depositions. [ Laughter ] Going, "What am I doing?" [ Cheers and applause ] "Ugh." [ Chuckles ] But in his opening statement today, the lawyer for the Republicans had an interesting choice of words. Take a look at this. -To impeach a president who 63 million people voted for, over eight lines in a call transcript is baloney. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, either the impeachment is either baloney, or he got distracted looking into his shopping bag. [ Laughter ] That's right. At the hearing, Democrats presented a lot of evidence against President Trump, and it seems like they've broadened their investigation beyond just Ukraine. Check out some of the other scandalous evidence that they uncovered about the president. For example, they uncovered allegations that Trump eats all the chunks out of Ben & Jerry's pints, then puts the cartons back in the freezer. That's -- -Come on. -You can't do that. -No. -You can't do that. As well as a testimony that after watching previews, Trump loudly comments about whether or not he would see the movie. [ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] "I'd see that." [ Normal voice ] Then, there were charges that Trump doesn't wash his legs in the shower, because the falling shampoo basically gets it. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] And finally, there was evidence that Trump sides with the husband in the Peloton commercial. [ Laughter ] Can you believe that? [ Applause ] Come on. Some 2020 news. I saw that a lot of the candidates are selling holiday merchandise. That's very nice. For 50 bucks, you can get a Joe Biden holiday sweater. And for 100 bucks, Pete Buttigieg will come over and be your own little Elf on the Shelf. -Aww. [ Laughter ] -Speaking of Pete Buttigieg, he's in hot water because he won't release information about the work he did in his first job for the consulting firm, McKinsey. But he's not the only one who has a strange past. It turns out Mike Bloomberg had a weird job when he was young. Can we see a picture of him? Yep, turns out he was a singer in the band Simon, Garfunkel, & Bloomberg. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Odd job. This isn't good. Last night, Democratic candidate Marianne Williamson fell for a hoax and tweeted that Trump had pardoned Charles Manson. Trump heard that, and like, "That was crazy." And then he slowly erased the idea from his whiteboard. [ Laughing ] Here's a big story today. Russia was banned from next year's Olympics 'cause of doping violations. Meanwhile, when Trump heard "Russia" and "dope" and "violations," he said, [As Trump] "Oh, no, what did Rudy Giuliani do this time?" [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ] Some business news. Walmart has apologized for selling a sweater that features Santa With cocaine. [ Light laughter ] Check it out. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I guess that explains why Rudolph's nose is so red. -Oh. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] Oh, this is sad. The wife of Papa John's founder John Schnatter has filed for divorce. -Oh. [ Audience aws ] -It looks like they already have a settlement and Papa John is being very, very generous. He's giving her half his money, plus cheese sticks and a two-liter of Coke. -Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] -I think that's very generous. Well, this made me laugh. Ryan Reynolds got the actress from the Peloton ad to star in a commercial for his brand of gin, where she sips on gin after a tough day. [ Laughter ] Though it's a little awkward at the end, when her husband from the Peloton ad shows up and tells her to stop having so many carbs. [ Audience groans ] I'm joking. these are jokes. -Jokes. -These aren't facts. -He didn't really do it. -There aren't facts. No, these are jokes. -[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] Guys, I read about a woman aboard a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Atlanta who was bit several times by a scorpion. Even crazier, it was her emotional-support scorpion. [ Laughter ] Check this out. I read that the tube in London will now have first-class cars, where the rich can drink champagne and eat hors d'oeuvres. While on the New York City Subway, you can still play that fun game, "Is that man passed out or dead?" [ Laughter and applause ] And finally, this weekend in New York City, police were called after a firefighter got into a fight with a sanitation worker over a parking spot. Then, a biker and a sailor walked by, and they all burst into "YMCA." We have a great show.