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  • Thank you.

  • Take a seat.

  • I can't actually see if you're standing,

  • but I assume some of you are, and probably not wearing pants.

  • So please, sit down.

  • Well, here I am again, same place as yesterday and the day

  • before that and the day before that day.

  • I have been sitting in this chair for so long,

  • it's actually made a perfect mold

  • of my caboose, which will make it a one of a kind

  • when I sell it on Craigslist.

  • I think we'll make a fortune.

  • I'll donate this--

  • I have never heard you call it your caboose.

  • Well, what would you like me to refer it to?

  • Your ass.

  • Your ass.

  • Anyway, today is Cinco de Mayo, so happy Cinco de Mayo,

  • everyone.

  • This is normally the part of the show

  • where my audience would cheer and get really excited cause

  • I was talking about a holiday that involves drinking.

  • So I was pausing there, and then I realized, obviously,

  • I can't hear you cheering because you're not there.

  • Or because you've already passed out.

  • This year, Cinco de Mayo is on a Tuesday, which is good,

  • because if it was on a Wednesday,

  • that would mean we're celebrating

  • Cinco de Mayo on hump day.

  • And I am not a rocket genius, but if there's

  • two things that do not mix, it's tequila and humps.

  • I think it's rocket scientist.

  • Really?

  • Yeah.

  • Well, that's why I said-- that's why I'm not one.

  • Rocket genius.

  • Yeah.

  • For the first time ever, Cinco de Mayo

  • falls during a quarantino.

  • So I know some people are feeling

  • like they're missing out because they can't celebrate

  • with family and friends, and lots of us

  • are staying safe at home.

  • I came up with some new quarantine-themed drinks.

  • Now I see the excitement.

  • Everyone can enjoy to celebrate this Cinco de

  • Mayo these quarantine drinks.

  • But before I tell you what they are, I want to remind everyone,

  • please be responsible.

  • If you start googling how to give yourself a tattoo

  • or build a firework, time to stop drinking, OK?

  • All right, this is the first one.

  • This is very, very easy.

  • And it involves one ingredient, and that is tequila.

  • What you do is, you get a shot glass

  • and you fill it all the way to the top.

  • I actually think I can fit more in there than that.

  • And if you want to feel like you're

  • riding a mechanical bull, you take a couple of these

  • and then you see how long you can stand on your Roomba

  • as it moves around.

  • That was good.

  • All right.

  • I lost an umbrella.

  • OK, here.

  • This next one is called Joe Exotic.

  • My umbrella keeps falling out.

  • OK, it's called Joe Exotic because, after a few of these,

  • you'll think it's a good idea to cut your own hair.

  • What it is, it's vodka, Lacroix, a little gin, a little more

  • vodka, a squeeze of lime juice, some maple syrup,

  • tiny bit of Tabasco.

  • What it is, it's shocking, confusing,

  • and it will make all the little hairs on your mullet stand up.

  • And since it's classy, what I like to do

  • is I like to serve it on a toilet paper square.

  • OK?

  • All right?

  • Now this one right here, mop Mary came up with.

  • It's called Mary-garita, OK?

  • And all you have to do is, you mix--

  • you get some ice and any of your kid's juice boxes

  • and then lots and lots of tequila.

  • And it goes down fast and only burns a tiny bit,

  • like Mary's rash.

  • That's why we call it Mary-garita.

  • All right.

  • Now you've heard of rum and coke.

  • I came up with this.

  • It's rum and joke.

  • And what you do is you get rum.

  • I prefer-- well, I prefer moonshine.

  • But rum and whatever the drink is, and then Coca-Cola.

  • Any kind of Coca-Cola around.

  • And then you pour a bunch of rum in the glass

  • and then you serve it with a little joke on the side.

  • And here's the joke right now.

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

  • Andy?

  • Why did the chicken cross the road?

  • To get more than six feet away.

  • [LAUGH]

  • And then you drink to forget the joke.

  • All right?

  • This last one is the Long Isolation Tea.

  • Long Isolation Iced Tea I should--

  • like a Long Island Tea, but it's a Long Isolation Iced Tea.

  • And it's any liquor that you can find.

  • It's gin, tequila, rum, Whiteclaw, whatever.

  • And it's called the Long Isolation Iced Tea

  • because it'll actually make this quarantine feel shorter,

  • because you'll lose an entire day.

  • You'll just pass out.

  • Those are some quarantine drinks that you

  • can make safely to celebrate Cinco de Mayo from home.

Thank you.

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エレンは隔離された場所でシンコデマヨのために飲み物を混ぜる (Ellen Mixes Up Drinks for Cinco de Mayo in Quarantine)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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