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Thank you all for coming. I'm here to address the recent rumors.
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Not those.
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It was reported that there was a fire in our studio,
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and here is what happened.
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I was driving to work this morning and I received a call from Portia
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at approximately 10am asking me if everything was OK.
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I told her I had some lower back pain from working out,
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and she said, "No, that's not what I'm talking about it."
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And I said, "Did I leave my lunch box on the counter?"
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And she said, "That's not what I'm talking about either.
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Just please stop talking and I'll tell you what I'm talking about."
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And then we fought for a minute. And then she told me that a PA
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went up to her, she's shooting a new show for ABC
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called "Better Off Ted" premiering Wednesday, March 18th at 8:30pm.
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Anyway, so yeah, you should watch. It's good.
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"Better Off Ted"
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Anyway, so this PA came up to her and said it's all over the internet
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that Ellen's studio is on fire.
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And of course, I believed her because everything on the internet is true.
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And so, this is what I was envisioning.
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But that's not what I saw when I got to work.
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What happened was some fire trucks were surrounding the studio.
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A fire alarm was going off. Water was gushing out all over the street.
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And suddenly people just assumed there was a fire.
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And see, you know what happens when you assume,
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you make an ass out of you and me. Because that's what it spells.
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Look it up. Anyway, so, and the same with gossiping.
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You make a goss out of sip and ping.
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And the same with stir-fry.
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The point is, you should never assume.
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And like yesterday, I made an assumption about McSteamy,
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and I was wrong. You can break it, even though it's not a bone.
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Now, although, yesterday also people were assuming that I was quitting the show
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to live on a farm. Not true. It was a vitious, vishous rumor.
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You know what Benjamin Franklin said, "Believe none of what you hear,
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and half of what you see." Or was it half of what you see and-
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maybe I'm thinking of those three monkeys.
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You know, hear no evil, see no evil.
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I know that it's "I" before "E" except after "C".
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And liquor before beer, you're in the clear.
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Beer before liquor, never been sicker.
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Anyway, the point is, you can see that everything is OK.
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There was no fire. Here's what actually happened.
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A sprinkler pipe burst, and a small portion of our studio,
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right near the street flooded. So the fire department came
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to check to see if there was a gas leak as well.
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There wasn't a gas leak. So in conclusion,
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no fire, no farm, and yes, you can break it.
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Thank you for coming, and I will take your questions now.
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Yes, yes. - Can you dance?
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Yes I will dance, yes.
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To see when Ellen is on in your town, click the When it's on Tab.