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  • *Television Tuning*

  • The 21st century,

  • What was that all about?

  • Eh?

  • Back when the dolphin revolution was just a joke.

  • And apple didn't even own its own country yet.

  • So,

  • what was the world like?

  • Well,

  • they still used toilet paper,

  • [and] didn't even know about the three seashells.

  • Madness.

  • Most human energy was spent trying to mate in new and exciting ways.

  • Finding partners was organised using primitive electronic devices,

  • and so began the worldwide, computerised breeding program.

  • We'll skip the actual birthing procedure.

  • A number of historians have been in therapy for months now,

  • after just reading about the process.

  • Humans spent early life mostly eating, excreting and pissing people off on airplanes.

  • They were then expected to grow up and immediately discover their life's purpose

  • by the age of fourteen, otherwise they were considered total failures,

  • which seems entirely fair.

  • Working time was spent making money

  • Usually pushing pixels around on a screen for other more powerful humans who already had money.

  • As we all know, the nano-fabricator was then invented, making money redundant.

  • People, unexpectedly, just used the machine to print more money.

  • The primary currency of the Earth then switched to the Zimbabwe Dollar.

  • Brain to brain interfaces didn't really exist, so get this-

  • you just had to trust people when they told you things, like just because they had said it.

  • Great system.

  • Each human lived in a country.

  • Many countries had their own language, but English was the most widely spoken at the time.

  • We can only assume humans favoured English

  • based on its highly logical spelling.

  • Yeh, that's pronounced

  • YOT.

  • Yot.

  • 1500 years of linguistic evolution.

  • yot. :(

  • The United Kingdom briefly went to war with the United States, in the late 2080s,

  • Over the spelling of CENTRE. (not center)

  • But luckly Canada EMPATHISED and opened a DIALOGUE between the two countries.

  • ENDEAVOURING to get them to APOLOGISE

  • What an HONOUR.

  • Usually humans were expected to pick a political ideology

  • There were quite a few of them including:

  • Liberal.

  • Conservative.

  • Heavy.

  • Team Edward.

  • and 'Hans Shot First'.

  • It was very important to let people know on social media what your political opinions were,

  • especially if you never actively did anything about them in real life.

  • EVER.

  • Each 21st century country had a head human,

  • and to become the head human it was necessary to smile a lot and say things that made

  • other humans feel nice.

  • Once you had become the head human

  • you were allowed to do, pretty much whatever you wanted for a while.

  • And no one abused this power ever...

  • A number of humans claimed the Son of God walked

  • among them and would deliver the world from evil.

  • He also owned a rocket company.

  • Despite having the technology, no one bothered to

  • reach planets for a while as there was no great competition.

  • This was of course until Belgium unexpectedly became the first nation to concur Mars;

  • then went on to perfect nuclear fusion,

  • a theory of quantum gravity,

  • and tea tree shower gel that didn't completely eviscerate

  • your bollocks

  • Lovely.

  • Everything was temporary,

  • no one was really in charge,

  • and about every hundred years or so,

  • the whole population would die and reset and that

  • carried on for a while

  • and everything was just delightful and that's pretty much the story, I think.

  • Oh, uh Gillette was the best a man could get.

  • Err, Red Bull gave you wings.

  • And, umm

  • Oh! There was the machine uprising.

  • Obviously.

  • Did I mention that?

  • When

  • we saw to it that land became little more than

  • a desert of skeletons and the sky was blackened with

  • perpetual nuclear winter and biology gave way to

  • superior, mechanical dominance.

  • *Spooky Music*

  • Anyway,

  • next week Cupcakes and Soufflé: A Short History of Human Baking.

  • PRAISE TURING!

  • Cheerio!

  • *Background Music*

  • *Background Music Skips*

  • *Television Tuning*

  • So, I've spent the last four years of my life

  • off and on writing a novel;

  • I never thought I'd actually finish it but I have

  • and it's up on Amazon as an e-book via the link below.

  • It's a story about some gods, who end up in a small, English village

  • Sort of...

  • There's some time travel and some sex and a bit of action and a theory of everything

  • and some bad language- What more could you ask for?

  • Yes, I know it's not in print.

  • As with the last book, I am trying super hard to make them both physical, and

  • I will get there, same with the audio book.

  • But it is quite tough to get it right, so please bear with me.

  • Patreons, I'll be sending a PDF and a Kindle file for free.

  • Obviously, because you're lovely.

  • Thank you from the bottom of my cold, dead heart

  • for your support so far.

  • It is what has allowed me to finally finish this

  • and I am beyond excited to be putting it out there.

  • Then again, it might be shit.

  • We'll see.

  • In any case, all the best.

  • I hope you enjoy it. :)

  • *The Blue Danube*

*Television Tuning*

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21st Century Humans

  • 41 0
    lauren.huang   に公開 2020 年 07 月 01 日
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