字幕表 動画を再生する
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PLEASE RELAX.
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HAPPY DAY AFTER DAYLIGHT SAVING
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DAY.
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HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP FOR THAT?
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EVERYONE ALL RIGHT?
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YESTERDAY MORNING WAS OUR ANNUAL
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REMINDER THAT WE AREN'T AS SMART
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AS OUR MICROWAVE OVENS.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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GUILLERMO HAD A BIG WEEK.
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AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU,
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GUILLERMO.
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>> Guillermo: OH, THANK YOU,
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JIMMY.
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>> Jimmy: YOU'RE WELCOME.
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NOW, THIS IS FROM A HORSE RACE
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IN TAMPA BAY ON SATURDAY.
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AND IT WOULD SEEM THAT WE HAVE A
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WINNER IN OUR MIDST.
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>> KING GUILLERMO NOW GOING TO
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THE LEAD.
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INSIDE THE FINAL FURLONG, DO YOU
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BELIEVE THIS?
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KING GUILLERMO.
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HE WINS IMPRESSIVELY.
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>> LOOK, I'M A JOCKEY!
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>> Jimmy: I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE
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RACING.
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WHAT'S YOUR HORSE'S NAME,
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GUILLERMO?
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>> PEPE.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> Jimmy: PEPE.
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IT'S ALSO HIS DOG'S NAME
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COINCIDENTALLY.
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THE CORONAVIRUS -- THIS
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CORONAVIRUS IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT
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FROM -- WHOO?
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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PEOPLE ARE SELLING OFF STOCKS
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AND BUYING UP TOILET PAPER.
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AND IF YOU ARE BUYING UP TOILET
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PAPER, I HAVE A QUESTION.
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WHY ARE YOU BUYING UP TOILET
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PAPER?
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I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE BODY
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UPSIDE DOWN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE
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CANCELING EVENTS.
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THE SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST FESTIVAL
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IN AUSTIN WAS CANCELED OVER THE
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WEEKEND.
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THERE'S TALK THEY MAY HOLD NBA
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GAMES WITH NO FANS IN THE CROWD.
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ITALY THE COUNTRY IS CLOSED.
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FOR REAL.
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I TRY TON GET TOO WORKED UP
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ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING, BUT
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THEN I SAW THIS HEADLINE OVER
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THE WEEKEND, AND FOR ME NOW THIS
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IS SERIOUS.
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COSTCO IS PULLING THEIR FREE
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SAMPLES.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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TRUMP NEEDS TO SEND MIKE PENCE
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TO COSTCO TO FIGURE THIS OUT
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RIGHT NOW.
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THIS IS ALSO SCARY NEWS FOR
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COSTCO SHOPPERS.
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THIS WAS FROM THE WEEKEND TOO.
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O.J. POSTED, "CORONAVIRUS?
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WHO'S AFRAID?"
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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I DON'T KNOW.
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ARE THOSE TWO SEPARATE QUESTIONS
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OR ONE?
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BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU'RE OUT IN A
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MASK WE'RE AFRAID, ALL OF US.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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I'VE BEEN DOING MY PART TO FIGHT
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THE CORONAVIRUS.
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THE VIRUS WE ARE TRYING TO
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SPREAD IS CALLED THE ELBUMP.
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THERE IT IS.
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E-L-B-U-M-P.
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WE BRANDED THIS LAST WEEK.
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AND IT SEEMS TO BE CATCHING ON.
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FOR INSTANCE ON KELLY AND RYAN,
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THERE'S WHITNEY CUMMINGS DOING
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THE ELBUMP VERY ELEGANTLY.
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MIKE AND TONY FROM PARDON THE
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INTERRUPTION.
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DJIMON HOUNSOU.
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COACH K AND ROY WILLIAMS.
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EVEN VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
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IS PARTICIPATING.
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PUT IT THERE, SOUL BROTHER.
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KEEP DOING THAT.
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JUST GET IN THE HABIT OF DOING
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IT.
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THE PRESIDENT PUBLICLY SEEMS
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DETERMINED TO KEEP SHAKING
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HANDS.
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HE HAS SAID THAT AND THAT HE
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WILL NOT CANCEL HIS RALLIES.
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BUT A REPORT TODAY FROM "VANITY
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FAIR" SAYS HE IS PRIVATELY
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TERRIFIED ABOUT GETTING THE
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VIRUS AND THINKS JOURNALISTS
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WILL TRY TO PURPOSEFULLY
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CONTRACT CORONAVIRUS TO GIVE IT
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TO HIM ON AIR FORCE ONE.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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WELL, THAT DOESN'T SEEM PARANOID
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AT ALL.
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ON FRIDAY THE PRESIDENT SIGNED A
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FUNDING BILL FROM CONGRESS TO
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HELP COMBAT THE VIRUS.
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AND REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT
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HE SAYS HERE.
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>> SO WE'RE SIGNING THE 8.3
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BILLION.
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I ASKED FOR 2 1/2, AND I GOT
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8.3.
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AND I'LL TAKE IT.
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>> Jimmy: HE ONLY ASKED FOR
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2 1/2 BILLION.
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CONGRESS SAID WE AUTHORIZE 8.3
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BILLION.
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AND HE'S BRAGGING THAT HE WANTED
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LESS?
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I DON'T KNOW.
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IT DOESN'T -- HE SOMEHOW FINDS A
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WAY TO BRAG ABOUT EVERYTHING.
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AND AT THE SIGNING SOMEBODY
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ASKED HIM ABOUT ELIZABETH WARREN
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AND WHETHER SEXISM PLAYED A ROLE
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IN HER CAMPAIGN NOT WORKING OUT.
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AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE SURPRISED
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TO HEAR HE DOESN'T.
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>> SHE DESTROYED MIKE BLOOMBERG
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VERY QUICKLY.
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LIKE IT WAS NOTHING.
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IT WAS EASY FOR HER.
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PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HER.
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SHE'S A VERY MEAN PERSON.
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AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HER.
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PEOPLE DON'T WANT THAT.
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THEY LIKE A PERSON LIKE ME,
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THAT'S NOT MEAN.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> Jimmy: SEE YOU, LOSERS.
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I LIKE WHEN HE UNBUTTONS HIS
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SHIRT A LITTLE.
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TRUMP WAS UP BRIGHT AND EARLY
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THIS MORNING TRYING TO DOWNPLAY
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THE VIRUS.
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HE WROTE, "SO LAST YEAR 37,000
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AMERICANS DIED FROM THE COMMON
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FLU.
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IT AVERAGES BETWEEN 27,000 AND
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70,000 PER YEAR.
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NOTHING IS SHUT DOWN.
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LIFE AND THE ECONOMY GO ON.
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AT THIS MOMENT THERE ARE 546
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CONFIRMED CASES OF CORONAVIRUS
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WITH 22 DEATHS.
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THINK ABOUT THAT."
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NO, YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S PRESIDENT.
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546 AND 22 DEATHS IS NOT GOOD
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NEWS.
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IF YOU FOUND OUT 546 OF YOUR
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FRIENDS WERE ON TIK TOK YOU
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WOULDN'T BE LIKE, OKAY, WELL,
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GLAD -- THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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THE PRESIDENT STOPPED BY CDC
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HEADQUARTERS ON FRIDAY.
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THAT IS THE CENTER FOR DISEASE
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CONTROL.
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TO EXPLAIN TO THE EXPERTS WHO
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ARE WORKING ON THE VIRUS THAT
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HE'S AN EXPERT TOO.
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>> I LIKE THIS GUY.
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YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE IS A GREAT
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PERSON.
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HE WAS AT M.I.T.
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I TAUGHT AT M.I.T. FOR I THINK
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LIKE A RECORD NUMBER OF YEARS.
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HE WAS A GREAT SUPER GENIUS.
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DR. JOHN TRUMP.
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I LIKE THIS STUFF.
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I REALLY GET IT.
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THEY'RE SURPRISED THAT I
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UNDERSTAND.
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EVERY ONE OF THESE DOCTORS SAID
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HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT
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THIS?
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MAYBE I HAVE A NATURAL ABILITY.
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MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT
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INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR
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PRESIDENT.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> Jimmy: YEAH.
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I AGREE WITH THAT.
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THEY'VE ALL THE NOBEL PRIZES YOU
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WOULD HAVE WON BY NOW.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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EVERYONE RELAX.
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TRUMP'S UNCLE WAS A SUPER
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GENIUS.
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THE PRESIDENT THEN TREATED THESE
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HEALTH OFFICIALS TO ANOTHER
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HELPING OF HUMILITY.
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WATCH THE GUY ON THE RIGHT HERE.
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THIS IS DR. STEVE MONROE.
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HE'S ONE OF THE TOP EXPERTS ON
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LAB SCIENCE AND SAFETY IN THE
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WORLD.
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AND WATCH HIS FACE AS THE
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PRESIDENT SPEAKS.
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>> THEY'RE MAKING MILLIONS OF
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MORE AS WE SPEAK.
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BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW AND
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YESTERDAY ANYBODY THAT NEEDS A
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TEST -- THAT'S THE IMPORTANT
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THING.
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AND THE TESTS ARE ALL PERFECT.
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LIKE THE LETTER WAS PERFECT.
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THE TRANSCRIPTION WAS PERFECT.
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THIS WAS NOT AS PERFECT AS THAT
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BUT PRETTY GOOD.
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> Jimmy: THAT'S A LOOK OF SOME
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KIND OF A MIX BETWEEN I WISH I
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WAS DEAD AND OH, MY GOD, WE'RE
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ACTUALLY GOING TO BE DEAD.
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BUT THE TESTS ARE PERFECT.
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EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.
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THAT'S WHY TRUMP FIRED HIS CHIEF
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OF STAFF OVER THE WEEKEND.
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HE WAS TOO PERFECT.
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MICK MULVANEY, TRUMP'S FOURTH
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CHIEF OF STAFF IN THREE YEARS,
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IS OUT.
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HE'LL BE REPLACED BY CONGRESSMAN
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MARK MEADOWS.
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MICK MULVANEY, NOW MARK MEADOWS.
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HE'S WORKING HIS WAY THROUGH THE
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Ms.
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KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED,
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MATTHEW MODINE.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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MEANWHILE, TRUMP WAS APPARENTLY
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UPSET THAT MULVANEY WENT TO
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VEGAS DURING THIS CORONA
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EMERGENCY.
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WHICH WOULD MAKE HIMSELF IF HE
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HIMSELF HADN'T BEEN UPSET FROM
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HIS VACATION HOME IN FLORIDA,
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WHERE HE WENT DURING THE
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EMERGENCY.
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NOW, EFFORTS ARE BEING MADE TO
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SLOW THE VIRUS ON A LOCAL LEVEL.
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THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK, BILL DE
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BLASIO, IS URGING NEW YORKERS TO
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STAY INDOORS AND STAY OFF THE