(upbeat instrumental music)

Whether you wanna believe in coronavirus or not,

it is real and today the Unites States passed

the 10,000 coronavirus deaths.

And experts are saying that that number

is probably undercounting things

because apparently many deaths in the U.S. have been labeled

as pneumonia or influenza when they were likely coronavirus.

Now, as America reaches the hardest week yet

of this epidemic states around the country have been begging

the federal government to help them find ventilators

for their overcrowded hospitals,

but because the federal government

took so long to react to this crisis,

(air whooshes) President Trump

just doesn't have enough ventilators to go around.

(air whooshes)

What he can give people, though,

is some unsolicited medical advice.

- [Reporter] President Trump says he thinks doctors

should use the drug hydroxychloroquine

to treat patients who've tested positive.

- That's hydroxychloroquine and azithromycin,

and again you have to go through your medical people,

get the approval, but I've seen things that I sort of like

so what do I know, I'm not a doctor.

I'm not a doctor.

- Okay, here's what I don't get.

Trump is acknowledging he's not a doctor

while legitimate doctors, who could answer these questions,

are standing right there next to him.

Why are we getting his opinion at all?

Imagine if you went in for a checkup

and there was just some random dude behind your doctor

giving his opinion like,

"If you ask me, it looks like

"you got some of that AIDS cancer.

"But what do I know, I'm just a guy who hangs out here."

I do have to give some credit to Trump, though,

for at least giving us a disclaimer that he's not a doctor.

I mean, he doesn't normally do that.

In fact, he should end all

of his coronavirus press conferences

like a pharmaceutical ad.

He's just come out like,

"Donald Trump is not a doctor

"and his advice should not be taken seriously.

"If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours,

"please let Donald Trump know 'cause that's pretty cool."

Now, before you get depressed by the fact that America

is being led by someone who knows less about medicine

than Dr. Pepper,

there is still a lot of good news out there.

Don't lose hope.

For instance, in Europe, although Spain and Italy are still

reporting more than 10,000 new infections each day,

their corona numbers are finally slowing down

which could be a sign that the worst has past.

And South Korea, they're superstars.

They've reported only 47 new cases yesterday,

and with fewer that 200 deaths out of a population

of 51 million people, South Korea has basically emerged

as maybe the only nation to have handled the pandemic

with near complete success.

And I mean, let's be honest,

South Korea was always gonna beat corona

because from what I can tell,

everyone in that country has a basement

inside their basement.

(image pops)

So I mean, if you're the virus,

good luck finding a South Korean person.

(air whooshes) But maybe the best news

of all is that there are rumors

that Netflix might be dropping

a new episode of "Tiger King", people.

That's right.

Jeff Lowe told a fan online that he had been filmed

for a new episode scheduled to drop this week.

Yeah, and when has Jeff Lowe ever lied.

I mean, if you can't trust a 65 year old man

who dresses like a rebellious teenager,

who can you trust?

And I guess this is how low the bar has gotten

for what counts as good news right now.

We find out there's more episodes about deranged murderers

and people being cruel to animals

and we're like, "Yes!

"Oh, some good news, thank you, Lord."

And I'm gonna be honest guys, I am terrified of this news

because every episode

of "Tiger King" (air whooshes)

has been crazier than the previous episode.

(air whooshes) So what's gonna happen

in this new episode?

Are we gonna find out Carole Baskin and her husband

faked his death to get the insurance money,

and he's been secretly living

inside one of those tigers all along.

Ah!

But let's move on.

Over the weekend, we got a major update from the CDC.

After months of telling us

that only sick people should be wearing masks,

the CDC now says everyone should cover their faces

with masks made from cloth like shirts

or bandanas or scarves,

because apparently even people who don't have symptoms

of coronavirus can unknowingly spread the coronavirus.

We are all coronavirus.

Sounds like an inspirational message.

Even if you don't feel corona, corona can feel you.

So basically, any time we go outside for essentials,

all of us should have a bandana or something on our face.

The CDC's gonna have everybody looking like

broke-ass "Mortal Kombat" characters.

Get over here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, dude, coronavirus.

Not that close, just get over there.

But still, folks, that's a major shift from the CDC

and it's already having a big impact.

For instance, Joe Biden said that from now

he will wear a mask in public

because it's important to follow the science.

Meanwhile, President Trump

has said that these guidelines

are voluntary and he will probably not wear a mask,

which, let's be honest, doesn't surprise anyone.

Trump is all about appearance.

He's not going to be wearing a mask,

he doesn't care about safety.

In fact, the only way they can get him to wear a mask

is if his aides trick him.

Yeah, they just gotta trick him like he's a child,

"No, Mr. President, it's not a mask,

"it's a border wall for your face."

"So viruses are like the Mexicans of germs.

"I got it."

(upbeat instrumental music)

While the U.S. is bracing for an explosion

of new coronavirus infections,

the White House is also bracing for more backlash.

You see, they haven't been listening to coronavirus warnings

that they've been receiving for months.

Just today, Axios reported

that Peter Navarro, Trump's trade adviser,

wrote a memo back in January

where he warned very accurately

that if America didn't take immediate action

to stop the coronavirus,

it would break out in the United States

and it would kill hundreds of thousands of people.

And on top of that, he also predicted

that it would destroy the economy.

So Trump got warnings from the HHS,

got warnings from his intelligence agencies,

and even got warnings from his own economic advisers,

and he did heed any of those warnings.

Basically, if there's ever a warning

Trump just will ignore it.

Yeah, coronavirus, (air whooshes)

check engine light, (air whooshes)

I bet even chocking hazards. (air whooshes)

Half of Mike Pence's job is just pulling Legos

out of Trump's throat.

"It was a yellow piece

"so I thought it was a piece of cheese."

"I know, Mr. President, easy mistake to make, sir."

Now, it turns out Trump has been ignoring so many warnings

that "The Daily Show" investigation team managed to get

some of Donald Trump's voicemails

and it turns out, he was even ignoring warnings

from coronavirus itself.

(phone rings)

- [Automated Voice] You have four messages in your inbox.

Message one.

(phone beeps)

- [Coronavirus] Hey Donald, this is coronavirus calling.

Been trying to contact you for a little while now.

Wanted to let you know I'm gonna be branching out of China

into the United States soon.

I'm sure your advisors have already told you all about me,

but just wanted to confirm my schedule with you

and see if you have any plans for me.

Talk soon.

Like, really, really soon.

(phone clicks)

- [Automated Voice] Message two.

(phone beeps)

- [Coronavirus] Hey Donald, me again.

I just saw you on TV saying that I'm not coming.

Maybe you're not checking messages,

but I totally am coming.

Like, I've booked the flights and everything.

So, give me a call or something, man.

I'm starting to think you're ignoring me.

(phone clicks)

- [Automated Voice] Message three.

(phone beeps)

- [Cynthia] Hello Mr. Trump, this is Cynthia

from the adoption agency.

I just wanted to let you know

that we can't take your son Eric,

because he's a grown man.

I am so sorry about the bad news.

(phone clicks)

- [Automated Voice] Message four.

(phone beeps)

- [Coronavirus] Yo Donald, it's corona,

I'm at the airport.

I thought you'd have someone here to meet me,

but it doesn't seem like you've planned for my arrival,

so I'm just gonna hop into an Uber POOL with some strangers

and make my way into the city.

Let me know your sked, I'm pretty free.

I'm just gonna go to a party tonight,

and then 20 parties tomorrow night,

and then 400 parties the night after.

So hit me up.

Later, bro.

(phone beeps) (upbeat instrumental music)

- Let's talk about black people.

They're like white people but with seasoning.

In America, black people have had a long history

of getting the short end of the stick,

from slavery to Jim Crow to the criminal justice system

to the sunken place.

But when it came to the coronavirus, it seemed like,

for once, black people were catching a break.

- A lot of these viruses we're immune to

because our skin is radiant and our skin comes from the sun.

That is our superpower, melanin.

- Black people, we will not get the coronavirus,

because we got a little thing in our body

where we calling the melanin.

- Minorities can't catch it, we sure.

- They said that-- - Say that one more time.

- Minorities can't catch it.

- Minorities can't catch

coronavirus. - Coronavirus, nah.

- Who said that? - Why do you say that?

Why do you believe that? - Name one.

- I don't know,

but it could happen. (woman laughs)

- Name one, though. - It could happen.

- Name one of us. - If it--

- Yeah, when this whole pandemic was just kicking off,

many people, many people thought coronavirus

was something that just didn't involve black people.

Sort of like tennis elbow (air whooshes)

or "Tiger King". (air whooshes)

Very quickly, we've come to learn

that not only can black people get coronavirus,

it turns out that black people are