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  • WELCOME BACK.

  • SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HERE AT "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • IT'S WEDNESDAY-- I THINK?

  • THAT DOESN'T HAVE THE DATE ON IT.

  • I THINK IT'S WEDNESDAY.

  • IT'S HARD TO TELL.

  • BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE YOU'RE BEING HUMPED.

  • THIS IS OUR SEVENTH, I THINK-- SEVENTH SHOW?

  • SEVENTH SHOW WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE.

  • WE DID ONE IN THE THEATER BEFORE WE LEFT.

  • WE DID THREE THE WEEK BEFORE THE BREAK, SO THIS IS SEVEN.

  • HAPPY TO BE HERE.

  • LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

  • IT'S STRANGE, BUT IT'S LOVELY.

  • I ACTUALLY DID THE MATH, AND I'VE BEEN SELF-ISOLATING FOR 2

  • IDATE NOW.

  • DID YOU KNOW-- AND I JUST FOUND THIS OUT-- THAT THE WORD

  • "QUARANTINE" COMES FROM THE ITALIAN "QUARANTINA," WHICH

  • MEANS 40 DAYS WHICH IS HOW LONG PEOPLE WERE ISOLATED DURING THE

  • PLAGUE?

  • SO I'VE REACHED THE HALFWAY POINT IN A QUARANTINE, WHICH IS

  • TRADITIONALLY WHEN YOU START GOOGLING THE ETYMOLOGY OF THE

  • WORD "QUARANTINE."

  • SO THAT CHECKS OUT.

  • OF COURSE-- AND THIS IS WHERE MY HEAD GOES-- THE WORD

  • "QUARANTINE" IS REALLY NEAR THE WORD "QUARTER" IN THE

  • DICTIONARY, AND QUARTER GETS YOU THINKING THE OLD RHYME "TWO

  • BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, A DOLLAR."

  • THAT MAKES TWO BITS A QUARTER.

  • YOU KNOW THE FRIES, "HERE'S MY TWO BITS."

  • WHY IS A QUARTER TWO BITS?

  • WELL, TURNS OUT, OUR WORD "DOLLAR" COMES FROM THE SPANISH

  • COIN "DOLLAR," WHICH WAS THE OLD PIRATE PIECES OF EIGHT.

  • SO EACH PIECE IS A BIT.

  • THEREFORE, TWO BITS IS A QUARTER OF A DOLLAR.

  • ARE WE STILL BROADCASTING?

  • GOOD, GOOD.

  • AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M HAVING NO PROBLEM WITH FOCUSING HERE.

  • YOU'LL ALSO NOTICE TODAY I DITCHED THE SUIT AND TIE FOR A

  • BLAZER AND OPEN-COLLARD SHIRT, GETTING GRADUALLY MORE CASUAL AS

  • THE SHOW GOES ON.

  • BY MAY, I'LL BE WEARING NOTHING MORE THAN TWO BAND-AIDS AND A

  • GRIN.

  • SO LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.

  • IT IS STARTING TO SINK IN TO ME AND MY FAMILY THAT WE'RE GOING

  • TO BE HERE FOR A WHILE, RIGHT, PETER?

  • >> RIGHT.

  • >> THAT'S MY SON PETER WHO JUST SAID "RIGHT."

  • SAY HI, EVERYBODY, PETER.

  • >> HI, EVERYBODY, PETER.

  • >> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, MY DAUGHTER INSISTED THAT WE STOP

  • THE CHAOS AND MAKE A CHORE CHART.

  • SHE SAID, "WE'RE ALL ADULTS NOW, SO WE'RE LIKE ROOMMATES."

  • THAT'S WHY, WHEN I FILM THIS SHOW, I PUT A SOCK ON THE DOOR.

  • WHAT I LOVE ABOUT PEOPLE-- AD I DO LOVE PEOPLE-- IS THAT

  • CRISES LIKE THIS BRING OUT THE BEST IN THEM.

  • AND THE BEST PEOPLE, OF COURSE, ARE NOT PEOPLE.

  • THEY'RE ANIMALS.

  • TO PROVE IT, IN COLORADO, A WOMAN TRAINED HER GOLDEN

  • RETRIEVER SUNNY TO DELIVER GROCERIES TO A NEIGHBOR WITH

  • HEALTH PROBLEMS URING QUARANTINE.

  • LET'S SEE HIM IN ACTION.

  • OKAY, HERE'S SUNNY BRINGING THE GROCERY LIST THAT THE NEIGHBOR

  • GAVE HER TO THE OWNER.

  • AND HERE HE IS RUNNING THE GROCERIES BACK OVER TO HIS

  • NEIGHBOR.

  • WORKS FINE.

  • HE'S PART OF THE NEW DELIVERY SERVICE "DOG DASH."

  • SUNNY'S OWNER SAYS SHE WAS INSPIRED WHEN SHE SAW A STORY

  • ABOUT A DOG COMFORTING PEOPLE AT A HOSPITAL.

  • SHE THOUGHT, "WAIT A SECOND.

  • I HAVE A DOG THAT COULD HELP!" WHEN I HEARD SAID THAAD I SAID I

  • HAVE A DOG THAT CAN HELP, BENNY.

  • COME HERE, BENNY.

  • LET'S GO HELP THE PEOPLE.

  • YOU HAVE TO COME OVER HERE.

  • THE CAMERA IS OVER HERE.

  • NOT OVER THERE.

  • COME ON.

  • LOOK WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU.

  • I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

  • YOU NEED TO BRING THE MEMG TO THE NEIGHBOR.

  • I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION.

  • I MEADE MY NEIGHBOR TO GET MY PRESCRIPTION.

  • AN AN OLD WOMAN-- NO, NO-- I'M AN OLD WOMAN AND I'VE WRITTEN MY

  • PRESCRIPTION ON A PIECE OF HAM.

  • I WAS OUT OF PAPER.

  • IT'S HEART MEDICATION.

  • I NEED IT, VERY IMPORTANT.

  • TAKE THIS TO THE NEIGHBOR WHO WILL TAKE IT TO THE PHARMACY.

  • ARE YOU READY?

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • HE REALLY WANTS TO HELP PEOPLE!

  • YOU WANT TO HELP SOME MORE?

  • HERE YOU GO.

  • THIS IS-- THIS IS A LETTER-- THESE ARE MY TAXES.

  • I HAVE TO GET MY TAXES IN OR THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY

  • FARM, ALL RIGHT.

  • TAKE THIS-- TAKE THIS TO THE POST OFFICE.

  • DON'T FRGET TO PUT A STAMP ON IT.

  • OKAY.

  • HE'S SO HELPFUL.

  • THERE'S MORE HELPING.

  • YOU WANT TO HELP SOME MORE.

  • THIS IS MY GROCERY LIST.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • AND THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU

  • LOVE HELPING.

  • OKAY, AND THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

  • OKAY, COME HERE.

  • COME HERE.

  • HE'S GOT-- COME HERE.

  • RIGHT HERE.

  • LOOK AT THIS.

  • COME HERE YOU, THIS.

  • LICK THIS.

  • NOW HE'S GOT THE MESSAGES AND HE'LL DELIVER THEM ON TO MY

  • NEIGHBOR'S LAWN IN ABOUT TWO HOURS.

  • GIVE ME A KISS!

  • BOOIB, BUDDY.

  • HE LOVES HELPING PEOPLE.

  • WHAT CAN YOU SAY?

  • IT'S TRAINING.

  • YOU'VE GOT TO BE FIRM.

  • NOW, WHILE SOCIAL DISTANCES IS WORKING, WE KNOW THE WORST IS

  • YET TO COME IT'S LIKE WE SAW THE ASTEROID

  • COME IN AND HIT SOMEWHERE OUT IN THE EXPOSITION WE'RE WAITING FOR

  • THE WAVE TO COME OVER THE HORIZON.

  • WELL, I THINK THE TIDE IS RISING, BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE

  • WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THEY PROJECT BETWEEN 100,000 DEATH,

  • AND IT SEEMS PRESIDENT TRUMP UNDERSTANDS THE GRAVITY OF THE

  • SITUATION WE'RE IN.

  • HE HELD A TWO-HOUR BRIEFING YESTERDAY, AND HIS TONE WAS FAR

  • MORE SERIOUS.

  • >>IMENT MENTION TO BE PREPARED FOR THE HARD WEEKS AHEAD.

  • >> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT POINTED OUT AS DANGEROUS AS THIS

  • VIRUS IS, AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.

  • >> IT'S AN INCREDIBLY DARK TOPIC, AN INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE

  • TOPIC AND IT'S INCREDIBLY INTERESTING.

  • THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY IS-- IT'S-- THEY'RE GOING CRAZY.

  • THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.

  • >> YES, THIS PANDEMIC WHICH IS CRIPPLING THE GLOBAL ECONOMY

  • IT REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL:

  • IT REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL:

  • >> Stephen: NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT APPEARS TO BE

  • TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY, HE STILL HASN'T ISSUED ANY ORDER TO SHUT

  • DOWN THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

  • HE WANTS TO LEAVE IT UP TO THE STATES, WHO HAVE BEEN COMING UP

  • WITH SOME PRETTY INTERESTING EXCUSES, LIKE ALABAMA, WHOSE

  • GOVERNOR RECENTLY SAID THIS: >> Y'ALL, WE ARE NOT LOUISIANA.

  • WE ARE NOT NEW YORK STATE.

  • WE ARE NOT CALIFORNIA.

  • AND RIGHT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN

  • PLACE.

  • >> Stephen: OH, NO, NO.

  • NOW IS EXACTLY THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN PLACE.

  • YOU DON'T WANT TO BECOME NEW YORK OR CALIFORNIA.

  • SHELTERING IN PLACE IS PREVENTATIVE.

  • THIS IS LIKE SAYING, "Y'ALL, WE'RE NOT PREGNANT.

  • NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO START USING BIRTH CONTROL.

  • LET'S GET IT ON, RAW DOG."

  • BUT MAYBE THE WORST POLICY COMES FROM FLORIDA, WHICH IS CURRENTLY

  • SUFFERING FROM A RAGING CASE OF BEING FLORIDA.

  • EVEN THOUGH THE STATE'S INFECTIONS ARE RAPIDLY GROWING,

  • THE GOVERNOR REFUSED TO SHUT DOWN THE STATE UNTIL TODAY,

  • BECAUSE LEAVING IT UP TO THE COUNTIES WASN'T WORKING.

  • HERE'S A RECENT PHOTO WHERE ONE FLORIDA COUNTY CLOSED ITS BEACH

  • BUT ITS NEIGHBOR DIDN'T.

  • THAT'S A TOUGH CHOICE FOR THOSE SPRING BREAKERS:

  • "OKAY, MY DUDES.

  • SHOULD WE GO DO BODY SHOTS AT SENOR FROGS OR SIT QUIETLY SIX

  • FEET APART AT SENOR RESPONSIBLE'S?"

  • ONE GOVERNOR WHO'S GETTING GREAT REVIEWS FOR HIS LEADERSHIP IN

  • THIS TIME OF CRISIS IS NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND ONLY GUY ALLOWED

  • TO MAKE FUN OF CHRIS CUOMO, ANDREW CUOMO.

  • GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS PROJECTED AN AIR OF MUCH-NEEDED COMPETENCE

  • DURING THE EPIDEMIC, AND THE PEOPLE ARE THERE FOR IT.

  • #PresidentCuomo HAS BEEN TRENDING ON TWITTER, AND SOME

  • PEOPLE ARE TAKING THIS A BIT FURTHER, LIKE THE AUTHOR OF THIS

  • OP-ED ENTITLED, "HELP, I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH ANDREW CUOMO?"

  • IT'S OKAY.

  • THESE FEELINGS ARE PERFECTLY NATURAL.

  • MANY AMERICANS EXPERIENCE MOMENTS OF BEING AT LEAST

  • ANDREW-CURIOUS IF NOT FULLY CUOMO-SEXUAL.

  • THE OBSESSION WITH GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS RECENTLY GONE TO A

  • REALLY WEIRD PLACE BECAUSE-- AND I'M QUITE SURPRISED THIS IS AN

  • ACTUAL HEADLINE-- PEOPLE ARE ASKING, "PIERCED OR NOT?"

  • THE MYSTERY OVER NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO'S NIPPLES.

  • AH-HAH!

  • A CLASSIC NIPPLE MYSTERY!

  • JUST LIKE "MAN-BOOB ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS!" OR "THE

  • TALENTED MISTER NIPPLEY!" I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKING THIS

  • UP.

  • I KIND OF WISH I WAS.

  • BUT INTERNET SLEUTHS ARE EXAMINING THIS PICTURE OF CUOMO

  • THAT APPEARS TO SHOW AN OUTLINE OF SOMETHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT

  • BE A NIPPLE BARBELL.

  • WOW.

  • IF THAT'S TRUE, THE CUOMO FAMILY ARE SUCH GYM RATS, EVEN THEIR

  • NIPPLES LIFT.

  • "DO YOUR NIPPLES EVEN LIFT, BRO?"

  • MY NIPPLES CAN SQUAT.

  • NOW, HONESTLY, WHO CARES WHAT'S REALLY UNDERNEATH THAT POLO

  • SHIRT?

  • HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB.

  • HELL, SOME OF OUR GREATEST LEADERS HAVE BEEN INTO BODY

  • MODIFICATION.

  • EVERY SCHOOL CHILD LEARNS ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN

  • TONGUE STUD.

  • LUCKY MARTHA.

  • OH, HEY, REMEMBER THOSE FACE MASKS WE WERE TOLD NOT TO WEAR,

  • BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WORK AND WE SHOULDN'T BOTHER?

  • WELL, APPARENTLY, "THE C.D.C. IS THINKING ABOUT ADVISING

  • AND THEIR INITIAL DIRECTIVE IS NOW "BEING CRITICALLY

  • RE-REVIEWED."

  • YES, NOT WEARING FACE MASKS IS BEING "CRITICALLY RE-REVIEWED."

  • CRITICALLY RE-REVIEWING IS LIKE WHEN "AVATAR" WAS THIS HUGE HIT,

  • THEN A FEW YEARS LATER, WE WERE ALL LIKE "WAIT, DID I ACTUALLY

  • ENJOY THAT?

  • I SAW IT THREE TIMES, BUT THE BLUE PEOPLE TALK TO THE SKY

  • HORSES BY PLUGGING THE HAIR TOGETHER AND THEN SIGOURNEY

  • WEAVER HAS A SPACE ORGY WITH A TREE?"

  • THAT'S ALL I CAN REMEMBER.

  • UNOEBTANIUM!

  • THAT'S IT.

  • BUT THEY STILL DON'T WANT CIVILIANS HOGGING MASKS THAT

  • HOSPITAL WORKERS NEED.

  • THAT'S WHY AT HIS BRIEFING YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP

  • HELPFULLY OFFERED A WIDE AND VARIED ARRAY OF IDEAS FOR MASK

  • ALTERNATIVES.

  • >> YOU CAN USE A SCARF.

  • A SCARF IS-- EVERYBODY-- A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SCARVES.

  • AND YOU CAN USE A SCARF.

  • A SCARF WOULD BE VERY GOOD.

  • I WOULD SAY DO IT.

  • BUT USE A SCARF.

  • SO YOU CAN USE SCARVES.

  • MOST PEOPLE HAVE SCARVES, AND SCARFS ARE VERY GOOD.

  • THEY CAN USE A SCARF.

  • YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE A SCARF FOR A MASK.

  • YOU CAN WEAR A SCARF.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THOSE PRESS BRIEFINGS ARE

  • TWO HOURS LONG?

  • DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

  • TWO HOURS?

  • TWO HOURS LONG?

  • THE PRESS BRIEFINGS?