字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント Today is April 1, known throughout the world as April Fools' day. It's the perfect day to reveal a secret you've been keeping, and if the person you tell reacts badly, you can just pass it off as a prank. "Honey, I've been sexting with your sister." "What did you say?" "Oh, April fools!" (laughs) "Erase iPhone." Now, this year, as you can imagine, no one is in the mood to be pranked. In fact, government around the globe, including Thailand and Germany, have warned their citizens not to spread hoaxes or to prank anybody relating to the coronavirus. And let's just take a moment to realize how crazy things have gotten that world leaders in countries like Germany are out here like, "Guys, let's cool it with the coronavirus, yeah? "Pranks this year... this year are not cool, okay? "Don't be pranking anybody, okay? Yeah? "You can't be, like, dunking your balls "or telling people the virus cure is inside your butt "and they have to smell your butt, okay? "If you want someone to smell your butt, "just ask them this year, all right? No pranks, okay? Yeah? Yeah, good." In other news, there are now 900,000 confirmed coronavirus cases around the globe, and what's disturbing is that some countries are experiencing a second wave of the crisis. For instance, in Hong Kong, they successfully social distanced, saw their numbers drop, relaxed their quarantine rules, and now they've been hit with a new wave of infections. Yeah. A new wave of coronavirus. And I feel so bad for these Asian countries, because whether it's coronavirus or Godzilla, every time they think it's gone, it comes back again for another movie. Now, while some Asian countries are dealing with a second wave of coronavirus, other countries are dealing with a wave of their own stupidity. The Malaysian government was forced to apologize after they issued guidelines which told wives that they should not be nagging their husbands too much during quarantine. Which is obviously incredibly sexist. But also, people, as stressful as quarantine is, this is not the time for husbands and wives to be fighting each other, all right? Husbands and wives need to come together to fight the true enemy: their kids. Don't let those cute faces fool you. They'll shit right on your lap and laugh while doing it. Meanwhile, back here in the United States, coronavirus cases have now passed the 200,000 mark, and the number of deaths has reached 4,000, doubling in just three days. But one thing I love about America is that even in the most difficult times, there are always people who try and find joy. Neighbors in Buffalo, New York, are getting outside. They're having a block party every night, dancing together while keeping their social distance. Looks like fun. Tell me that's not sweet, huh? I love this for so many reasons. One, it's amazing to see people finding ways to connect with others while keeping their physical distance. And seeing this many white people dancing offbeat, it almost makes me feel like the world is back to normal again. I miss those days. And also, that is my dream party that they were having. Yeah. A party where you can go out on your front step, dance for a little bit, and then when you're ready to leave, all you have to do is turn around, and then you're back home. Sign me up. But let's move on to the big story, the White House. Or, as they call it in D.C., the bad part of town. The big story right now is that President Trump, who usually treats his daily briefings like the last scene in Scarface, came out yesterday and acted for the first time ever like he had also been reading the news. NEWSMAN: President Trump just moments ago with a somber tone. President Trump is taking this darker tone. NEWSMAN 2: He was as grim as he's been through this entire crisis. I want every American to be prepared for the hard days that lie ahead. We're gonna go through a very tough two weeks. You're gonna start seeing some real light at the end of the tunnel, but this is gonna be a very painful... very, very painful two weeks. Goddamn. Donald Trump for the first time at least sounds like he's afraid of this virus. And if he's taking it seriously, then we should be really scared. 'Cause, I mean, this guy takes nothing seriously. This is the same dude who stared at an eclipse like it was a Magic Eye painting. The same dude who sang "Hakuna Matata" when he assassinated a general in Iran. The same dude who responded to a hurricane with a paper towel three-point contest. So this is a side of Donald Trump we don't often get. I haven't seen Trump this somber since Maury told him that he was Eric's father. And if the president is finally treating the crisis with a little more respect, maybe it's because of the numbers. Right? The White House has just released their first official projections of coronavirus deaths, and they are terrifying. Dr. Birx and Dr. Fauci said that according to their numbers, even if America did everything right, we could still see 100,000 to 240,000 deaths from coronavirus. And I don't care what anybody says. That is a staggering number. Even Call of Duty. If you saw that many deaths, you'd be like, "Uh, I think I've been playing this game too much. I'm gonna switch to Animal Crossing for a while." But while the president may finally be grasping the gravity of this outbreak, he and his allies continue to make excuses for why it took him so long to respond. Mitch McConnell, yeah. He said that impeachment diverted the attention of the government. Do you think that in any way... This was happening and building at the same time. Did it divert your attention or your team's attention or the vice president's attention? Well, I don't like to think I did. I think I handled it very well, but I guess it probably did. I mean, I got impeached. I think, you know, I certainly devoted a little time to thinking about it, right? So, you know, when you say that, yeah. Ah, yes. In classic Trump fashion, the president wants to have it both ways. "I acted properly with corona, "but I was also distracted by impeachment. "But my response has been perfect, but impeachment is why I messed up." And I got to say, if Trump was so easily distracted from dealing with the looming pandemic, then that's bad news. 'Cause then America basically has a puppy as its president. Yeah. One little thing can distract him. Next time America wants to invade Iraq, they should just throw a Frisbee by Trump's head and that'll distract him for a month. "It went that way." And it's funny how Trump and McConnell are trying to make it seem like the government stopped in its tracks because of impeachment. Because the truth is Trump still found plenty of time to do the things that he wanted to do while impeachment was happening. He imposed new restrictions on immigration. He increased sanctions on Iran. He unveiled a new peace plan for Israel and the Palestinians. And, of course, he had a lot of time to play a shit ton of golf. So unless he was searching for coronavirus in a sand trap, I don't think this excuse checks out. And impeachment isn't the only excuse that Trump has used to try and explain why it took him so long to try and stop the coronavirus outbreak. He also blamed China for covering up the seriousness of coronavirus. And, yes, and, yes, it is true China did censor information about this disease in its early stages and that didn't help. But President Trump was warned about coronavirus by his advisors as early as January 18, and he dismissed it for months. So, as much as Trump wants to blame China for downplaying the virus, he himself ignored all the messages that his experts were giving him. And he didn't ignore them once. He didn't ignore them twice. He ignored them countless times. Like, if we were back in bible times, Trump would have heard the burning bush and then just thrown water on it. "Ah, finally. That bush was so annoying. So, to try and avoid taking responsibility for the government's slow response to coronavirus, Trump has blamed impeachment and China. But, as always, there's only one person who Trump loves to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life, Barack Hussein Obama. You see, Trump has claimed that the reason America fell so far behind other countries when it came to coronavirus testing is because of rules that the Obama administration made. Now, the only thing is nobody has been able to find these rules that Trump is talking about. So that means either Trump is lying, which is unlikely, or it means Obama did block Trump from doing the tests. But then he hid his evidence in the same place that he hid his birth certificate. Magical Kenyan strikes again. So, Trump is still making excuses for not reacting sooner to this crisis. But on the upside, it seems like he's at least starting to act like he's taking the threat of this pandemic a little more seriously. And I hope he is taking it seriously, because-- let's be real-- this is still Donald Trump, people. All right? I wouldn't be shocked if he acted like this, and then tomorrow he comes out, like, "April fools! "I'll see you losers on Easter. Did you see me? I acted sad." (chuckles) Well, that's our show for today. Before we go, we want to keep reminding you that doctors and nurses out there need our help to get the protective gear that they need. So please, if you can help, go to Thrive Global's FirstRespondersFirst and donate whatever you can to help them get PPE, so that the people saving lives right now can protect themselves. And if you want to help in New York specifically, you can go to New York Mayor's Fund COVID-19 Response and donate there. Stay safe out there. Wash your hands. Remember to change your underwear at least once a week. And I'll see you again tomorrow.