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  • This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing 'Citation Needed.'

  • Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it's Chris Joel.

  • Hello, I'm Chris Joel, Christ College Oxford,

  • reading references to surfing in the early King James Bible.”

  • Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan.

  • So, the vicar, with a sickly smile, shook hands with the monkey

  • and could never look a banana in the face again.

  • And the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray.

  • Hello, live studio audience!

  • In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it.

  • Every fact they get right is a point and a ding,

  • and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is:

  • And today we are talking about Jack Churchill.

  • Is this the method by which one would raise a wartime prime minister?

  • I'm glad that's the version of the verb you went with there, Gary,

  • that could've been a lot worse.

  • I'll be honest, it was the flip of a coin and I went with the clean one.

  • The thought of Churchill being raised ever so slightly.

  • Yes, you may check my undercarriage for wear and tear.”

  • No, it's for when he needs to seem more authoritative.

  • Oh s***, he's a lot shorter than Stalin!”

  • We shall fight them on the beaches.”

  • In the fields. And in the street.”

  • - “Enough!” - “And in the treetops.”

  • I just like the idea that Churchill is now just sat

  • about 6ft above everyone else in a chair that he can't possibly get down from.

  • At which point there's a beeping noise and Stalin comes in on a cherry picker.

  • It explicitly says, at the end of this article,

  • Of no relation to Winston Churchill.”

  • Well, there you go, that's our first five minutes completely redundant.

  • Is it that nutter who tried to fight World War 2 with a claymore?

  • Episode over.

  • Sorry guys.

  • Goodnight, thank you very much for coming...

  • You say episode over, but there is a heck of a lot more to this story going on here.

  • A claymore is a proximity triggered-

  • No, it's a hand-and-a-half Scottish sword.

  • Oh, a sword?

  • - Yes. - Oh.

  • I mean, a claymore is a mine as well, but this is-

  • Okay, a different type of claymore.

  • Yes, as inScottish Clans-man!”

  • “I will see off the entire continentand that was basically his remit.

  • That was what he went into the war to do.

  • Wow.

  • Where do you think he was born?

  • Not Scotland.

  • Not Scotland, you're absolutely right, he was born in Ceylon.

  • Okay, Sri Lanka.

  • Actually, you say drafted, he joined of his own accord in the 1920s.

  • Mainly because there weren't enough things to cut up in Ceylon!

  • Well, yes, he left the army in 1936.

  • Because there was not enough fighting.

  • He then worked as a few other things.

  • What might that be?

  • One is a phrase I wouldn't associate with the 1930s,

  • of a job for a... a strapping young lad.

  • - Chef.

  • - IT technician.

  • I was going to say

  • Operative of a mildly successful nail bar.

  • “A little bit off the top? Right!” "Whoa!"

  • Male model.

  • - Really? - I can see that.

  • He also used his archery and bagpipe talents

  • to play a role in a film called 'The Thief of Baghdad.'

  • - Eh? - With bagpipes?

  • With bagpipes.

  • 'The Bagpipes of Baghdad'?

  • Was it really 'The Thief of Bagpipes'?

  • He won second place in the military piping competition at Aldershot Tattoo.

  • - But that was cake-making... - Was that like cakes?

  • Jinx!

  • Are you going to ice a cake with bagpipes?

  • Yes, you can do five bits at a time if you blow hard enough.

  • He also represented Britain at the World Archery Championships.

  • With the sword?

  • Where he also used the bagpipes.

  • No, this was a longbow.

  • Of course, it would be.

  • The Second World War breaks out

  • And he decides not to bring the longbow because it's impractical.

  • Wrong.

  • Really?

  • He brought the longbow?

  • Hi, can I help?

  • I've got one of these!”

  • He really was going to party like it was 1399 wasn't he?

  • He was with the Manchester Regiment in France and ambushed a German patrol.

  • How did he give the signal to attack?

  • Did he just scream and run?

  • Not this time.

  • I'm going to give you the point because, yes,

  • he did that plenty of other times but not this specific time.

  • He was in command of the troops,

  • how did he give the signal to attack?

  • Did he have his bagpipes with him?

  • A quick parp on the high notes, yeah.

  • With the drone beneath.

  • That's not the skill he used here.

  • Flaming arrows!

  • I'm going to give you the point,

  • he killed an enemy sergeant with the longbow.

  • Oh boy!

  • Not with the arrow, with the bow.

  • Yeah, with the stringy bit first.

  • Like cheese wire.

  • To use the technical term, "the stringy bit of the bow".

  • The last recorded person ever killed during wartime with a longbow and arrow

  • was that German sergeant.

  • Now, I've just noticed something,

  • this man seemed to have a penchant... is that the word?

  • For running into battle and screaming.

  • He managed to go into several battles

  • Many battles.

  • Without dying?

  • Yes.

  • Yeah, but with the longbow you are quite a way back.

  • Norway, 1941, landing craft on a raid on a German garrison.

  • I mean, paint me a picture.

  • What…?

  • I'm thinking night-time, I imagine.

  • Now, you see,

  • it's the point of when he starts playing the bagpipes.

  • Franz, vat is zat coming from over ze ocean?”

  • Sorry, worst accent in the world there.

  • And the wheel spins and lands on Norway!

  • Would that be the Boulogne part of Norway you're doing there?

  • Yes, it's the German garrison out of France...

  • Fair play.

  • Would you do it over the ocean

  • or would you wait until the landing craft had silently approached the beach

  • with the whistle of the wind through the trees

  • as the clank of the metal as it hits the beach, suddenly

  • You're nearly right.

  • Yes, he leapt forward from his position, playing on his bagpipes,

  • before throwing a grenade and running into battle.

  • This man is a hero!

  • Oh, if you're going to do anything.

  • Just the thought, just to be inside his head

  • as he approached the beach with the bagpipe ready to go

  • and the grenade pin in his hand thinking,

  • Yeah, we're going to do this.”

  • Again!

  • This is my time”, for the fifteenth time.

  • If that was me I'd pull the pin, drop the bagpipe,

  • and then there'd just be a parpy explosion.

  • You say he threw a grenade, did it hit anything or did he throw it by mistake?

  • It's not recorded here, I don't know.

  • What a hero.

  • So we've had France, 1940, Norway, 1941, where was he in 1943?

  • Italy.

  • Correct.

  • He's got some good airmiles hasn't he?

  • Did they drop him in?

  • Not sure you get airmiles on the army's flights.

  • I've seen a video of a bagpiper in a parachute.

  • It was

  • That was so close.

  • I'm going to drink that later, go on

  • It was in the '70s.

  • Basically the 'One Show' of the '70s, 'Nationwide', did a segment,

  • and I don't know why because I've only seen the clip itself.

  • There's a bagpiper, a low altitude plane,

  • he's got the parachute on one of those cords that triggers it-

  • Static lines.

  • Jumps out, starts playing 'Scotland the Brave' on the way down.

  • It's great because he gets in, he gets the drone on...

  • Na na na-na na na na

  • But then it hits the ground.

  • And he cannot do a landing and hold onto the bagpipes at the same time.

  • No he can't, you've got to flare, you've got to pull down both straps and

  • If that's the technical term, so be it.

  • But all I heard wasna na-na urrrk urrrrrrk

  • as he got dragged along by the wind on the floor,

  • the mournful parp of an emptying bagpipe.

  • A mournful parp of a bagpipe!

  • This, sadly, was not a parachute.

  • This was a landing site.

  • Was this, again, the same as Norway, yet slightly sunnier?

  • This was the same as Norway, yet slightly more.

  • Ohh

  • What hasn't he used?

  • Whoa, he has his bow as well?

  • Yes, he had the broadsword, the longbow and the bagpipes.

  • And the grenade?

  • It doesn't say.

  • He's like the people you get in computer games.

  • It's funny because you could never carry all of these!

  • How is he carrying all of these?

  • Where did he get that from?

  • He was holding a sword a minute ago!”

  • And playing the bagpipes which, again,

  • is a two-handed instrument, let's not forget.

  • How fantastic would it be if he just had a batman though?

  • Going back another 50 years where you'd just have a gentleman's gentleman with you

  • and just take him on the battlefield,

  • Broadsword if you would, Jeeves.”

  • Yes, Sir.”

  • He's a little way off. Longbow. Thank you.

  • No, nothing's happening.

  • Bagpipes, we'll sound some more.”

  • Number three wood for the grenade.”

  • Might I suggest the pitching wedge, Sir, they're awfully dug in.”

  • Oh, I was thinking more cricket bat.

  • Pitch her up. Thock!

  • Going full zombie into battle!

  • I seem to recall someone saying that the effective range of a grenade

  • is further than you can throw it.

  • Right, so you do need something like a bat behind it then?

  • Or you need to chuck it into somewhere and move out.

  • - You're chucking it, I'm running away. - I've got the bagpipes.

  • Do you want to bat a grenade?

  • Yes, I reckon I would.

  • Oh... wait, no!”

  • Extra second on the detonator just for the pitch up.

  • If you miss it you're in trouble.

  • Look, I didn't say this wasn't one for the courageous soldier did I?

  • He infiltrated the town

  • Playing the bagpipes.

  • Not they, he.

  • Hang on, infiltration and this man don't sound like words that go together.

  • He was ordered to capture a German observation post.

  • How did that go?

  • Er, surprisingly well?

  • Yes, I'll give you the point, he captured 42 prisoners.

  • F***!

  • No one tried to shoot the bagpipes?

  • I'd be honest, it's not the first thing you'd- well, I don't know.

  • It depends how anti-bagpipe you are.

  • If I was there that would be the first thing I'd go for.

  • You've got three bullets, what do you shoot?

  • The bagpipes three times.

  • I can just see the bullet going through and,

  • Ye shot my pipes. Now I'm angry!”

  • He wasn't Scottish!

  • I'm going to point this out.

  • He wasn't Scottish.

  • Yeah, but they wouldn't know that.

  • He was captured-

  • Yes.

  • Was he?

  • Do you know the story there?

  • I can only presume that he was captured, went along willingly,

  • beat all the guards at chess and poker,