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  • [ Beep ]

  • -Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

  • welcome aboard -- aah!

  • -I've been a teacher for many years,

  • and I've never seen such a fuzzy child.

  • -Well, we just finished processing your tests,

  • and unfortunately, the results are swirling.

  • -We're live on this beautiful, funky night

  • from the historic Hong Kong Phooey Stadium.

  • Hi, Santa.

  • -Hello, ding-dongs.

  • -4,229 eggs

  • were stolen from Macy's,

  • and the crime scene has your butt written all over it.

  • -I did some research on you, and I see that you're unmarried.

  • -Mm. -And that you were

  • adopted at age 49.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -It was a late adoption, that's all.

  • -I think we should break up.

  • -I hate candy!

  • -I completely understand that reaction.

  • Your blood pressure is 59/2.

  • And our X-rays found a canoe in your Achilles' heel.

  • -All you have to do is look deep...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...within your per--

  • pere-nium.

  • -Perineum. -Perineum.

  • -When I'm around you, I feel like a Zamboni driver

  • at a funeral.

  • You know?

  • -I've heard that before.

  • -No, I'm just glad you're being honest.

  • You know, I really like you, Popeye.

  • -Yeah.

  • -And it's not just because you have nice ears.

  • -What's on this disc?

  • -Seven photos of Ingrid Bergman running.

  • -Before every game, I would go into the locker room,

  • put on fresh clip-on ties,

  • and rub my foot with my lucky Chicago.

  • -Wow!

  • -I left Santa a plate of Ball Park hot dogs

  • and a glass of Rob Roy...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...but on Christmas morning,

  • there was nothing under the tree.

  • So I ran to my room and started running.

  • -It also appears that you have a rare condition

  • known as Fluffy Platypus Disease.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Not today, Satan.

  • -Unh, unh, unh-unh.

  • -Not -- -I -- Wait, now --

  • -Not today, Satan. -I --

  • -Satan. -No, I --

  • -Not today, Satan! Hey! -No, I -- Listen --

  • -And I am Mark, but you can call me Chuck Yerger.

  • Now we do apologize for the 14 nanoseconds delay

  • because we are stalled because Gila monsters

  • are farting on the runway.

  • -Where were you on the night of Hanukkah?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ] ♪♪

  • -You intrigue me, Ms. Barf-Barf.

  • And when someone -- [ Laughter ]

  • When someone intrigues me, I tickle excessively.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -The reason I work so hard is because I get

  • to spread joy to millions of people

  • and go sit by the fire shaking my nad.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well... [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -What? [ Laughter and cheering ]

  • -I'm talking -- -I know, I know, I know, I know.

  • -I'm talking to a guy. -Oh, yeah.

  • -While eating cookies

  • and drinking Milwaukee's Best Ice.

  • -You couldn't carry a blank strap.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You -- -I'm through with playing games.

  • Where are you from?

  • ♪♪

  • -Ukraine.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -I'm a very successful astronaut.

  • -Oh.

  • -But my real passion is... digging.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • -Just give me a spoon and put me out in the backyard.

  • -I want for you to read with him at least 19 years every night.

  • -Side effects also include an itchy armpit

  • and a decrease in the desire to hammer.

  • -In the event of a SantaCon,

  • a dirty underwear will drop down from your ceiling.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Your country is involved primarily

  • in agricultural projects, feeding the world's penguins.

  • With -- [ Laughs ]

  • With that kind of passion,

  • I wonder if your knee would be --

  • [ Laughs ]

  • -What's that?

  • Are you remembering an old joke or something?

  • -I wonder if your knee might be bigger than you let on.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Some -- Some people would say I don't have a knee at all.

  • -Then why'd the security-camera footage show you gyrating

  • just half a millimeter away from the crime scene?!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I'll always -- [ Laughs ]

  • I'll -- I'll always have a special place for you.

  • In my butt.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I actually just bought the book.

  • "Harry Potter and the Ladies of the Night."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Make sure all your mobile devices,

  • including smartphones, tablets, and MRIs...

  • are turned off and stowed.

  • If we see you using one, we'll kindly come up and say...

  • "It's mariachi night."

  • -And by repeating my own personal mantra...

  • "Poopity scoop."

  • -Yeah, and today during social studies,

  • I found 'em in the back of the classroom screwing!

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • Sweet Jesus!

  • Fine. I did it. I committed the robbery.

  • But I only did it because I needed the money

  • to buy myself little toe implants.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, bro. I'm gonna tell you the same thing

  • Dad used to tell me every night before bed.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughter continues ]

  • -Yes? What -- What is that?

  • ♪♪

  • -Stay golden, Ponyboy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • Stay golden. Stay golden, Ponyboy.

  • -Truer words have never been spoken.

[ Beep ]

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B1 中級

おかしなマッドリブ劇場のセリフ (Funniest Mad Lib Theater Lines)

  • 3 0
    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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