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  • So now my comments.

  • Okay, Overall, the essay structure looks pretty good.

  • The student is separated all of the main ideas into paragraphs.

  • So as we saw, the student did have four paragraphs, which is very important.

  • Very first, very big thing on, and I can clearly see that many of your sentences are in order.

  • So as we read that, you might have noticed the student did a very good job of making sure they had background statements, thesis outline, sentence topic, sentence examples, discussions, conclusions and then just in the conclusion paragraph a little bit weak there.

  • But we'll go over that as well.

  • Now the essay is also almost exactly 250 words, which is a very good thing.

  • If you know when you're if you're reading that your eyelids exam, you gotta have a minimum of 250 words.

  • And the way that I see that is is that you want to have as close to 250 as possible.

  • And there's a few reasons for that.

  • One is is that if you're writing a very long essay, it will take up a lot of time.

  • And, as you know, you don't have much time on the Isles exam to write the essay, so you want to make it as short as possible without actually going below the 250 word limit.

  • I think this person's essay was maybe 253 year 2054 words.

  • So the number of words was pretty good.

  • Okay, now let's go over some of the problems.

  • So the first big problem was the thesis.

  • So here you can see in black.

  • This is thes student's thesis.

  • It is believed that age people have a negative effect on society.

  • Now, if you remember in the in the very first video that I did about this, Siri's just just before this, I talked about the this, the the essay question, saying that it's not asking if old people themselves have a negative effect on society is asking about the trend of old people, old person numbers in society growing.

  • Does this have a negative effect or not?

  • So s O.

  • The student, unfortunately made the mistake of saying that, you know, it's just talking about old people.

  • That's not entirely true.

  • So what I write here is this thesis does not answer the essay question.

  • The essay question is asking you to comment on the rise of aged people, not on H people themselves.

  • So the thesis should be it is believed Sorry, I'll just put it back up so you can see both the beginning and the second.

  • It is believed the increase of aged people in many countries has a negative effect on society.

  • So here, you can see in this thesis we're pinpointing the idea of trend that this is a growing thing, and that and that in the student's opinion, that the growth of old people in society is negative.

  • Okay, I'll take a moment.

  • Just thio talk about one thing.

  • So, um, sometimes when you're writing an essay, uh, and you don't have a lot of time, it's sometimes best to try and think about what?

  • What?

  • What s a would be the easiest essay to write?

  • What point of view would be the easiest point of view to prove?

  • And I think in my opinion, perhaps you disagree with me.

  • But I think the opposite would be an easier essay to write, because here were we have to argue that, you know, old people and they're growing numbers has a negative effect on society.

  • And, um, I just think that it would be easier to write that the growth of old people maybe, is it does provide society with some positive things.

  • Maybe.

  • I mean, I suppose either you could write down on either is fine.

  • But in my opinion, I think that it would just be easier to write about the positive effects that old people have on society.

  • Anyways, It doesn't matter because the student decided to write it on the negative, and and that's totally fine.

  • Okay, Now we come to the, um the outline sentence and my comment to them was, Aside from this, I feel you're to supporting.

  • Arguments are weak in your outline sentence in the introduction.

  • You, Right now, here's thes students outlines sentence and black.

  • This will be proven by analyzing one of the way that's retired.

  • People spend their money as the arm or likely to be providing unpaid care.

  • Okay, now, just read it again.

  • Uh, I'm not sure if you look at this outline sentence if you can clearly see the two areas that they're gonna talk about in the supporting paragraphs because When I look at it, I just don't find that it's that clear.

  • I just not quite sure what they're talking about.

  • So my comment to them was, I think I understand you two points, but they're not very clear.

  • I think you mean number one, that old people have a negative effect on society because they spend money in a wasteful manner.

  • So three idea being that old people use their money in ways that are not very useful.

  • And then the second idea that I think the student is trying to say is that old people have a negative effect on society because they cost a country's government a lot of money back to the alliance, since they're more likely to be providing unpaid care now when this when it's worth it.

  • This way, it sounds like the old people are providing or giving someone unpaid care.

  • I don't think the old people giving people care, whether paid or unpaid, but the old people are ones receiving care, so I think the meaning is also a little bit messed up.

  • Anyways, I think that's what number two unfortunately, your eyelids examiner will not understand these arguments if they write.

  • If you write them in this way, you should write them very clearly like this.

  • So I've rewritten the outline sentence.

  • Now, I just used the the two ideas that I think the student is trying to say.

  • This will be proven by analyzing the wasteful manner in which elderly people spend money as well as the striking care of the elderly.

  • Puts on a country's government economically.

  • So, uh, if you look at it this now, it's ah, it's much clearer.

  • So the first idea is that we're going to look at how old people spend money in a wasteful manner and then connect.

  • That's to how this overall makes the growth of old people in society a negative trend.

  • And then the second idea is thestreet.

  • That's, uh, that the government has to undertake to look after old people.

  • And again, we're gonna connect that idea too.

  • How the growth in numbers of old people in society is negative.

  • Okay, Hope you follow me on that.

  • Okay, now, let's read.

  • The blue is in my comments.

  • Uh, these two supporting topics topics are probably not the best arguments you can make to prove this thesis.

So now my comments.


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A2 初級

IELTS小論文の評価(8編中5編 (Evaluating a student's written IELTS essay (part 5 of 8))

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日